New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Original post by Jennie0898

Jan 09, 2007 01:35 AM

Ok, so maybe I'm being shallow, I don't care.....

I just found out, through the knot of all places, that my BIL & FSIL are having a cash bar at their wedding in New Mexico. Well actually, here's the post from the knot...

'We went through something like this when we first started planning. FI's family doesn't believe that a wedding should be without alcohol. My family, on the other hand, isn't too big on drinking, and they weren't too pleased with the fact that there might be alcohol at the reception. Both FI wanted to have at least some alcohol available for those who wanted it. After a long discussion, we came to an agreement. We decided that we are going to have a full bar at the reception, but we will only pay for what is consumed during cocktail hour. This way, it's available to anyone who wants to drink, but we won't be in charge of paying for it. My parents agreed with our decision...especially since FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, and everything is working out fine now. '

Ok, so as I recall...You got LOADED at my wedding at our expense, no problem there. But now that it's your turn you're only paying for the darn CH and the rest of the reception we're on our own???? What the heck, man???

Have I mentioned we're paying over $600 to fly there and then have to stay at a hotel? Uh, as I recall, when you came here yes, you paid for you flight but you stayed in OUR HOME FOR FREE!!! AND NO WE DIDN'T CHARGE YOU TO DRINK AT OUR WEDDING!!!

I think the thing that's really bothers me off is how DH's brother keeps saying that they're having a 'NY style wedding' and bragging about how much better it will be than a regular wedding in New Mexico. I want to tell him, uh no, you're not having a 'NY style wedding' (whatever that means) You're having a regular New Mexican wedding and are too much of a whimp to stand up to your FI and have what you want. Be a man already!!! First we were told he is not allowed to have a bachelor party, now it's a cash bar for the reception?? Ugh.

Oh and according to my BIL, their mom thought they should have a cash bar for the entire wedding. Gee, that's funny you didn't seem to feel that way WHEN WE WERE FOOTING THE BILL!!!!!!!

Ugh, again.

I apologize in advance if I've offended anyone here. Again, I know to some extent I'm being pretty shallow but I guess it's late and I'm cranky.

Thanks for listening...
Jenn

kahlua716 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:52 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by Espo22

Honestly, alot of places outside of NY do cash bars ...Weddings are very different outside of NY, also cocktail hour they usually service like cheese & crackers and fruit..On the knot i even heard of 'Dessert only Reception' i was shocked, she asked for advice and what others though, and i was saying NOOOO i kept arguing with everyone bc everyone said oh its such a great idea...Basically all you got was cake and champagne .

There was a whole article about Dessert Only Recpetions in one of the bridal magazines over the summer. They were calling it the 'New Trend', but the article said you needed to provide at least 8 different desserts. I have also heard of people doing only a cocktail hour type reception-- open bar, finger foods, a couple of chafing dishes and then cake. To me, that sounds great since I think the best food is usually served at the CH, and there's more time for dancing....but I would never do it because I know what is EXPECTED at a LI wedding.

snydl40 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:54 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

My brother went to 2 cash bar weddings and both times was pi$$ed off. He was overly generous as always, and then to find out that he and FSIL had to pay for their drinks?! They were mad-they aren't alcoholics or anything, but when you go to a wedding, I personally believe you should provide your guests with foos and drinks-just my opinion though.

kittythestray Posted: Jan 09, 2007 01:57 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by waterspout4

It amazes me to hear how girls expect other weddings to be like a 'NY wedding'. I moved to LI about 3 years ago. Only here is it expected that you allow your guests to drink whatever they want on your tab. I'm from upstate NY and most weddings are a cash bar, sometimes even during CH (OH, the horror ) I think it's nice.

You never see the threads from out-of-state brides (which I know is how most of you even consider an upstate wedding) that are afraid of what to do if someone gets drunk at their wedding. I've seen many of those threads here.

The wedding is about the comittment of two people to spend their lives together. It's not about how much they give the guest.

BTW: Now that I'm pregnant, should I be mad that I can't drink at an upcoming wedding? Isn't that the only way to have fun? Should I give the bride and groom less of a gift because I won't be drinking? (If you don't know me personally, I am the sarcastic one of the boards)

Well, I don't drink and neither does my DH and I don't like to be around people who are sloppy drunk, but I didn't think I should punish EVERY ADULT at my reception for the few that can't handle their liquor. There are responsible adults who just enjoy going out and having a few drinks and socializing who I wanted to be allowed to make that decision and as a good host I wanted to give everyone the benefit of treating them like responsible adults - and I can tell you the people who are alcoholics or party animals that HAVE to get drunk and can't have a good time without getting drunk, the cash bar WILL NOT DETER them from getting drunk.

ETA - just saying this because the OP was saying the FSIL was claiming they wanted a cash bar because they're 'opposed to alcohol'... I agree with the OP's rant because if the FSIL was REALLY opposed to alcohol, she wouldn't have a cash bar.

Kara and Todd Posted: Jan 09, 2007 02:16 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Well, I understand that you are upset... However (and maybe this is unpopular opinion here), it's THEIR wedding. They don't even have to serve alcohol at their wedding, no matter what you chose to offer at your wedding. They cannot plan their wedding around what you did at yours.

Also, people in different parts of the country do things differently. Outside of this area, it's VERY common to have a cash bar, even though around here it would be considered very tacky.

I personally think a cash bar is tacky. However, I don't think it's worth getting this upset about something going on at someone else's wedding.

ETA - At the same time, I know how incredibly frustrating family can sometimes be... so I completely understand your need to vent.

ellebelle1 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 02:21 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Since your BIL keeps saying it's NY-style, he probably doesn't really know what that means (or does and is embarrassed so he made up the excuse about not wanting drunks). Out of the metro-area weddings really are different. The funny thing is, I'm really not into drinking, so if there was a cash bar, I coudl care less.

winterwhite Posted: Jan 09, 2007 02:39 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

First of all your not being shallow. Its not about you needing to get drunk, its about the couple having consideration for others. I think they are being inconsiderate of other people's sacrafice for them. They just don't want to give anything back. If they weren't so selfish, they would recognize peoples travel expense and the least they can do is buy the guest a drink.

If you haven't RSVPed yet I would tell her

'Sorry I might not be able to afford to come because of the flight and hotel and cash bar. Its just going to be too expensive'

Or

I would go and not give a gift.
If people are traveling far Their presence is their gift.

Kara and Todd Posted: Jan 09, 2007 02:43 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

I don't think she and her husband are going to skip her husband's brother's wedding over whether or not they have a cash bar. C'mon. That's just ridiculous - and I GET that this isn't about the cash bar.

I also don't think the couple is being selfish. It sounds to me like they are possibly trying to appease her family...

Brides and grooms do NOT have to show appreciate to their guests by providing them with alcohol at all... And gifts at weddings aren't mandatory... but I wouldn't refuse to give a gift if I could afford it just b/c they are having a cash bar. Of course, travel / accomondations if you are an out of town guest should be factored into what is given as a wedding guest.

I am thinking there has to be more to this situation than JUST the cash bar and the wedding stuff....

In other parts of the country, a cash bar is more common than open bar... I honestly don't see why a cash bar is THAT big of a deal. I'm not trying to be argumentative either... I just don't see why it has you THIS upset. Is there something else???

carolinebr Posted: Jan 09, 2007 03:04 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

I live in Boston and ALL the weddings up here are cash bar. Even at the Four Seasons or the Ritz. Most have open bar for cocktail hour & that's it. I even went to a wedding at the Four Seasons in Santa Barbara & it was only beer & wine.

My friend had an open bar wedding on Cape Cod last year & they charged her 'by consumption'. They literally charge by the drink (imagine them ringing every drink in, so annoying) and at the end of the night, they handed her a $6000 tab. We have other friends who had a wedding last June who told the CH 'once the bar tab hits $XXXX, change it over to cash bar.' Maybe this is a decent option to have your in-laws mention to the bride & groom?

Open bar is def a NY thing. I 100% agree that it's polite to pay for everything when you invite someone to your wedding. But many other places in the US are not on the same page as us. My FIL's think our bar i very elaborate, even though its the standard.

PS - up here, they also ask you what you want for dinner with your RSVP card. So bizarre.

stephanielyse Posted: Jan 09, 2007 03:11 PM

.

stephanielyse Posted: Jan 09, 2007 03:16 PM

.

faithandkevin Posted: Jan 09, 2007 05:23 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by winterwhite

If you haven't RSVPed yet I would tell her

'Sorry I might not be able to afford to come because of the flight and hotel and cash bar. Its just going to be too expensive.

I think that it would be slightly dramatic to include the fact that there is a cash bar in an excuse as to why someone isn't attending their wedding. Who drinks that much anyway? To the point where it's going to impact whether or not you can afford to attend?

In regards to what the OP said, if it's a wedding out of state, that's the way it is. We cannot expect everything to be the way it is here. Even if the groom is claiming it's a NY style wedding. It's annoying I'm sure to hear, but take it with a grain of salt.
Ultimately, it's THEIR wedding, THEIR choice, you shouldn't be offended that they drank 'for free' at your wedding. I'm sure it was included in the price you paid at your RH. You did not pay extra for them. They are not doing it to slight you. It will not kill you to pay for a few drinks for one day.

kb Posted: Jan 09, 2007 06:16 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

I grew up on Long Island but now live in Minnesota. All of the weddings I've been to out of NY have been cash bar - at least for the hard liquor. Sometimes the couple offers beer/wine for free. We had an open bar at our NYC wedding and 1/2 our guests took out their wallets to pay when we went up to the bar. We also had a party for our friends in MN and they were shocked we had open bar - they were quite worried for us that people would get too drunk, that it would cost us too much, etc.

I've learned that it only upsets you to think that things are tacky at other people's weddings. Personally I think dollar dances and even garter tosses are incredibly tacky. Would I not go to nor enjoy a wedding that had them? No, I would assume they were part of the 'culture' of the couple.

Not to get too far off the topic though, but also we got presents of all dollar amounts from our guests who live all across the country - from $5 bills in a card to $1,000 checks. About 10% of our guests haven't given us anything and we got married 3 months ago. Honestly, I could care less. I didn't invite people to my wedding to get money. I'd be holding on to a ton of anger if I expected people to conform to 'NY standards' - whatever they are.

Just wanted to add the perspective on an ex-Long Islander. Your life will be much happier if you don't let these things get to you - they're not personal.

Jennie0898 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 09:51 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by kb

I grew up on Long Island but now live in Minnesota. All of the weddings I've been to out of NY have been cash bar - at least for the hard liquor. Sometimes the couple offers beer/wine for free. We had an open bar at our NYC wedding and 1/2 our guests took out their wallets to pay when we went up to the bar. We also had a party for our friends in MN and they were shocked we had open bar - they were quite worried for us that people would get too drunk, that it would cost us too much, etc.

I've learned that it only upsets you to think that things are tacky at other people's weddings. Personally I think dollar dances and even garter tosses are incredibly tacky. Would I not go to nor enjoy a wedding that had them? No, I would assume they were part of the 'culture' of the couple.

Not to get too far off the topic though, but also we got presents of all dollar amounts from our guests who live all across the country - from $5 bills in a card to $1,000 checks. About 10% of our guests haven't given us anything and we got married 3 months ago. Honestly, I could care less. I didn't invite people to my wedding to get money. I'd be holding on to a ton of anger if I expected people to conform to 'NY standards' - whatever they are.

Just wanted to add the perspective on an ex-Long Islander. Your life will be much happier if you don't let these things get to you - they're not personal.

I think you've missed the point of my post...

I'm not losing sleep over this, believe me. I'm not saying it's tacky at all. I could care less about tacky. I COMPLETELY understand that a wedding is about the couple...That's where my frustration comes in. The couple themselves DRINK. They have no problem with drinking, no one's an alcoholic in the family. So for them to claim that they're having an open bar only during the CH to appease her parents wishes of not having ANY alcohol is a load of POO... If they really wanted to respect her parents wishes (even though the bride and groom are the ones paying) they would have a DRY wedding.

weddingbunny Posted: Jan 09, 2007 09:56 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by CLMon7906

Posted by Happybride2005

do they not want an open bar because of the $$$$. i think some of the guests my be disappointed. if i went to a wedding and it was a cash bar, i would be very surprised. is that how weddings are done in n.m.?

could be the area...every wedding i've been to in the south was cash bar...they charge waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less to begin with so when they offer up unlimited alcohol additions, the cost is HUGE. we don't notice it as much here because it is almost always INCLUDED.

I just want to second this - you really need to remember that different areas do things VERY differently - in some areas an open bar is very much the exception - unlike here, where it's basically expected, and people get upset if there isn't one.

Honestly, if FH would have let me I probably would have done a limited bar in some way, if only because I don't want people getting trashe. but that's just me.

daniebc16 Posted: Jan 09, 2007 10:08 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

If I want to pay for alcohol I can go to a bar...Guests are INVITED to weddings and already are expected to give a generous gift, the least the hosts can do is supply them with drinks. I understand that some people aren't 'drinkers,' however, when you give a party, you are suppose to be showing people a good time. However, I do agree with the comprimise that if they aren't big drinkers supplying beer and wine is just fine, but to have an all cash bar, frankly, is insulting IMO.

kb Posted: Jan 09, 2007 10:12 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

Posted by Jennie0898

I think you've missed the point of my post...

I'm not losing sleep over this, believe me. I'm not saying it's tacky at all. I could care less about tacky. I COMPLETELY understand that a wedding is about the couple...That's where my frustration comes in. The couple themselves DRINK. They have no problem with drinking, no one's an alcoholic in the family. So for them to claim that they're having an open bar only during the CH to appease her parents wishes of not having ANY alcohol is a load of POO... If they really wanted to respect her parents wishes (even though the bride and groom are the ones paying) they would have a DRY wedding.

I guess I don't see it that way - I see them choosing to have an open bar during the CH as a way of compromising with her parents. Perhaps her parents are really afraid of people getting drunk, or there is an alcoholic among their family or friends that you don't know about, and your brother and his fiance were able to convince her parents that a cash bar during dinner would control drinking with the added benefit of saving money.

Pencils Posted: Jan 09, 2007 10:40 PM

Re: New to this board but not LIW in general...I need to vent and I've been told by a friend that you offer some good advice here...

On the knot i even heard of 'Dessert only Reception' i was shocked, she asked for advice and what others though, and i was saying NOOOO i kept arguing with everyone bc everyone said oh its such a great idea..

I actually think it's a good idea for couples with limited means. A lot of people don't have 10K, 20K or 30K to spend on a wedding, or want to spend it on one day if they do have the money. A wedding and reception is supposed to be about celebrating the marriage, not about drinking and getting a meal. And the gift you give the couple is supposed to be from the heart, not covering the price of your meal(s). I applaud couples who limit their weddings and receptions rather than go into debt. To each her own, though, of course.