My fh and I are supposed to get married within the last 6 mo of the year. We have been engaged for a little over a year and have been dating for 3. We have a joint wedding account and are paying for the wedding ourselfs (except for $5,000 that my father gave us when we first got engaged) Our wedding is going to cost $29,000 total. As of the first week in december we had saved $22,000 in HIS account (including my fathers 5k) I went to put a deposit in today, and 13k is missing, when I ask fh he tells me that his friend, who is a stock broker, had a great tip for him and he just gave him OUR 13k. he said that was HIS money that he had saved and I should 'shut up'. That we could replace it, and whats the big deal? We have NEVER been in a fight before and he has never done anything like this, what would you do?
UPDATE::
We talked it over and FH said he 'does this all the time' (removes $$ from wedding account, gambles it, in stocks or horses, in AC or vegas, or on line) and as long as it's put back, whats the big deal? He explained that once we get married he will handle all the finaces and I shouldn't wory about it, being that I am not very 'savy' in that area. I told him I am not a child, and I will be his wife, I would like respect that comes with a partnership. He said then he will consult me from now on with any purchase (or gamble) over 10k. I don't know how fair I think this is, but he won't compromise.
NEW UPDATE: I just wanted to answer all your questions.
FH goes to AC, not so much. But his companys home is in Vegas, so he's there once a month (at least). He says he has his 'winnings' in a seperate account, that he uses just for his winnings. He only 'dips' into the wedding funds when that account is tapped. He admitted that he feels he has a problem. He said he was sorry, for what he did, and how he spoke to me. He said he was embarrased! I understand. I told him I think he nes to go to a GA or something, and he said he'll think about it. I let him read what you all wrote, and he felt ashamed. Thank you for all your help!
Blu-ize
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!!
Posted by lipglossjunky73
Posted by Blu-ize
So he's been doing this all the time? So he's been taking money out, gambling it or 'investing it' and then putting it back? What is he doing with his 'winnings'? Has your account grown from anything other than what you have earned and put in? Is he pocketing the proceeds? He is essentially using your joint money to gamble and not sharing the rewards?
This is a mess..I would not be ok with what he is doing. Any investment whatsoever should be discussed together. This is not a good basis in which to start a marriage.
I'm sorry for being so blunt, but this needs to stop!
ETA: IMHO he has a problem with gambling.
I agree - I didn't want to be that blunt, but I'll second that...
I hope we don't scare this poor girl away!
I agree...we are here for you -here's some hugs
WoC2
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!!
I agree. Not a good way to start off. Doesn't matter if you are savvy or not.
Joyous1995
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!!
this is tooo unreal. Is someone out there trying to see how we would react or tick us off. I wish you the best of luck girl and I would seriously consider what the other girls recommend. I personally would be long gone.
Wintersbride
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!!
I honestly think that this is not a very good start to a marriage. The disrespect that he is showing you does not indicate that he thinks of you as a partner. ANY investment, $100 or $10,000, she be agreed on by the both of you. I get the impression that he is controlling and demeaning and that is unacceptable. I would be very careful about giving him full rein of your money...especially if he is prone to gamble it. This is outrageous! I would definitely not settle for anything but an equal partnership before getting married.
waterspout4
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!!
Your situation scares me. There are red flags all over the place. And the fact that you're agreeing that you're not so savvy scares me even more. It sounds like your self esteem has been shredded by this man. He sounds controlling. My sister went through this and it became ugly.
My FH and I discuss everything that goes into and out of our joint account. And we also discuss any purchase over $100.
October Bliss
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!!
Posted by MaybeNotIn06
UPDATE::
We talked it over and FH said he 'does this all the time' (removes $$ from wedding account, gambles it, in stocks or horses, in AC or vegas, or on line) and as long as it's put back, whats the big deal? He explained that once we get married he will handle all the finaces and I shouldn't wory about it, being that I am not very 'savy' in that area. I told him I am not a child, and I will be his wife, I would like respect that comes with a partnership. He said then he will consult me from now on with any purchase (or gamble) over 10k. I don't know how fair I think this is, but he won't compromise.
He WHAT??????? He does this 'all the time'??? When did he get the right to take YOUR money and gamble it away??? Oh, wait, that's right he thinks once it goes into his account it is HIS money, not yours, not ours, but his and his alone. Do you see the problem here???
Sweetie, I said it before and I'll say it again, grab all your money out of that account and RUN like the wind in the other direction.
This man sounds like a compulsive gambler. Stocks are one thing, but horses, Atlantic City, Vegas AND online??? How many times has he gone to Vegas or AC since you started dating? Has this increased since you got engaged, and if so, by how much? And where on earth are all the profits of all his little investments and gambling jaunts gone over the past many months?? Is it in the account, or has he only replaced what he took to begin with?? Of course it hasn't because gamblers don't win, they lose. So, exactly how much of your future has he already wasted?? How much more will he waste? Will it be the mortgage, the money for the kid's preschool, perhaps the dance lessons for your little girl, or the money to pay for braces, or will you one day come home and find foreclosure papers on your doorstep, or realize your e-ring is gone because he pawned it????????????
And to comment on your last point - you should already know this ISN'T FAIR AND HE HAS TO COMPROMISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MaybeNotIn06
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!! Updated again, and finally!
bump
enjft
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!! Updated again, and finally!
Posted by SexyEsq
Posted by MaybeNotIn06
UPDATE::
We talked it over and FH said he 'does this all the time' (removes $$ from wedding account, gambles it, in stocks or horses, in AC or vegas, or on line) and as long as it's put back, whats the big deal? He explained that once we get married he will handle all the finaces and I shouldn't wory about it, being that I am not very 'savy' in that area. I told him I am not a child, and I will be his wife, I would like respect that comes with a partnership. He said then he will consult me from now on with any purchase (or gamble) over 10k. I don't know how fair I think this is, but he won't compromise.
He WHAT??????? He does this 'all the time'??? When did he get the right to take YOUR money and gamble it away??? Oh, wait, that's right he thinks once it goes into his account it is HIS money, not yours, not ours, but his and his alone. Do you see the problem here???
Sweetie, I said it before and I'll say it again, grab all your money out of that account and RUN like the wind in the other direction.
This man sounds like a compulsive gambler. Stocks are one thing, but horses, Atlantic City, Vegas AND online??? How many times has he gone to Vegas or AC since you started dating? Has this increased since you got engaged, and if so, by how much? And where on earth are all the profits of all his little investments and gambling jaunts gone over the past many months?? Is it in the account, or has he only replaced what he took to begin with?? Of course it hasn't because gamblers don't win, they lose. So, exactly how much of your future has he already wasted?? How much more will he waste? Will it be the mortgage, the money for the kid's preschool, perhaps the dance lessons for your little girl, or the money to pay for braces, or will you one day come home and find foreclosure papers on your doorstep, or realize your e-ring is gone because he pawned it????????????
And to comment on your last point - you should already know this ISN'T FAIR AND HE HAS TO COMPROMISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So well said. From your updates he is saying he takes you guys money to invest then put it back. Honey, you must take your money and run. He has a problem, whats next putting the house up that you and your kids live in up on the block because the mob is looking for him to repay debt. I know they say for better or worse but this is the WORSE.
The Original 2nd-time-around
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!! Updated again, and finally!
OK, I'm not on this board but I HAD to respond to this. This is soooo not good. Not the way to be starting off a marriage. Since you are not 'savy' and he will be handling the finances, how do you know he won't gamble away the $$ to pay your mortgage, or for food and clothing for you future children? He will consult you with anything over $10,000!!!???? That is YOUR $$ too!! He should consult you with anything more thatn $100!!!!!! He definately seems to have a problem, and if it were me (which I know it's not) I'd tell him either he joins GA nad hands all of the finances over to YOU, or I'd run!!!
BKtoLI
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!! Updated again, and finally!
Posted by MaybeNotIn06
NEW UPDATE: I just wanted to answer all your questions.
FH goes to AC, not so much. But his companys home is in Vegas, so he's there once a month (at least). He says he has his 'winnings' in a seperate account, that he uses just for his winnings. He only 'dips' into the wedding funds when that account is tapped. He admitted that he feels he has a problem. He said he was sorry, for what he did, and how he spoke to me. He said he was embarrased! I understand. I told him I think he nes to go to a GA or something, and he said he'll think about it. I let him read what you all wrote, and he felt ashamed. Thank you for all your help!
Ok let me get this straight before I go ahead.
He has his 'winnings' in a seperate acct and only dips in the wedding acct when the 'winnings' acct is tapped. Well, considering he took $13,000 out of the wedding acct, I think it's safe to say that means there's nothing in his 'winnings' acct because he gambled it away!!!
Sure he is ashamed if you let him read this thread, as rightfully so he should be. But make sure that in his saying he will 'think about going to GA' that he is not just saying that to appease you. Sometimes people will say anything to get someone off their back when they don't want to hear it.
I would tell him that you are handling the finances or you're leaving. The last thing you want is for the remaining $9,000 of what's left in that account to disappear, and then he has gambled away not only his and your money, but now your father's money. And how will you explain that to your father? 'I'm sorry Dad, FH gambled away the money we had for the wedding' is not something I think you want to have to say. I know my father would slap me upside the head if it was me.
He is sorry now that he was caught. If you plan on staying with him, keep a very tight leash and make some changes. The relationship is not about him.
I seriously hope this works out for you, whatever the outcome is.
Blu-ize
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!! Updated again, and finally!
I just want to add to my other comments by saying that the only shame in this is if he doesn't get help.
He may think he can 'beat' this as he thinks when he gambles by himself. This thinking and behavior is what is wrong.
I hope he gets help and you can get help too to cope with it.
Work on this first, strengthen your relationship and trust first, then move on to wedding plans.
We are all here for you and will listen every step of the way. Please feel free to use your anonymous name if you feel more comfortable.
Hugs for you
Faith
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!! Updated again, and finally!
I'm glad that you are continuing to discuss this issue and that you let him read our responses. This must be very painful for you and I'm sorry you have to go through it. I would suggest, if you continue to have trouble getting through to him about the seriousness and urgency of this matter, that you both speak to a third party. A family member you both respect, a counselor or even a priest, rabbi, someone who can give you some guidance and perspective. You know, to some people, $13,000.00 isn't a lot of money, to some, it's nearly their life savings. That's not really the issue, though, it's the trust and the concept of marriage, sharing, two being one, that is violated in this instance. I sincerely hope that things work out for you and feel free to fm me if you need to talk or anything.
Joyous1995
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!! Updated again, and finally!
there is nothing more to say get out ASAP
AlliNMatt06
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!! Updated again, and finally!
Sorry, I would be gone, until he gets help. He can 'yes' you all he wants, and tell you how much he is sorry. Until he gets proffesional help for his Gambling addiction (Which he defienetlys has!), you should leave.
He will gamble away all your money before and after you get married if he doesn't get help. Don't let that happen!!
BJandDan
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!! Updated again, and finally!
I am glad that he realized that he has a problem and wish him well with this hard problem. Many
kmkelly
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Re: not new!!!! Updated!! Updated again, and finally!
Posted by enjft
Posted by SexyEsq
Posted by MaybeNotIn06
UPDATE::
We talked it over and FH said he 'does this all the time' (removes $$ from wedding account, gambles it, in stocks or horses, in AC or vegas, or on line) and as long as it's put back, whats the big deal? He explained that once we get married he will handle all the finaces and I shouldn't wory about it, being that I am not very 'savy' in that area. I told him I am not a child, and I will be his wife, I would like respect that comes with a partnership. He said then he will consult me from now on with any purchase (or gamble) over 10k. I don't know how fair I think this is, but he won't compromise.
He WHAT??????? He does this 'all the time'??? When did he get the right to take YOUR money and gamble it away??? Oh, wait, that's right he thinks once it goes into his account it is HIS money, not yours, not ours, but his and his alone. Do you see the problem here???
Sweetie, I said it before and I'll say it again, grab all your money out of that account and RUN like the wind in the other direction.
This man sounds like a compulsive gambler. Stocks are one thing, but horses, Atlantic City, Vegas AND online??? How many times has he gone to Vegas or AC since you started dating? Has this increased since you got engaged, and if so, by how much? And where on earth are all the profits of all his little investments and gambling jaunts gone over the past many months?? Is it in the account, or has he only replaced what he took to begin with?? Of course it hasn't because gamblers don't win, they lose. So, exactly how much of your future has he already wasted?? How much more will he waste? Will it be the mortgage, the money for the kid's preschool, perhaps the dance lessons for your little girl, or the money to pay for braces, or will you one day come home and find foreclosure papers on your doorstep, or realize your e-ring is gone because he pawned it????????????
And to comment on your last point - you should already know this ISN'T FAIR AND HE HAS TO COMPROMISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So well said. From your updates he is saying he takes you guys money to invest then put it back. Honey, you must take your money and run. He has a problem, whats next putting the house up that you and your kids live in up on the block because the mob is looking for him to repay debt. I know they say for better or worse but this is the WORSE.
Agree with the above. He did all this without telling you, does it all the time, told you to shut up when you confronted him. He'll be handling the finances after your marriage? Good luck. Sorry to sound harsh, but this feels to me like a denfinite gambling problem, and you only know what he's told you about. This will get worse, not better. I'd say couseling, GA, and YOU will handle the $. Plus entering a marriage with this existing issue gives you a burden. Most marriages that end, end because of $ issues.
