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**NOW UPDATED in original post**Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

Original post by Tracy&Brian

As some of you may remember, my FSIL is a BM and hated the color of the BM dresses, accused me of picking pink to spite her and tried to back out of the wedding because of it. This happened a few months back. She also has made a few snide remarks about the wedding to my face on different occassion (ex- she wants me to stop talking about the wedding because I am annoying her, weddings are a waste of money, etc...). Every single situation I have remained calm and never said one rude or nasty comment to her. I have tried to accomodate every request she has made and calmly ignored all rude comments while still holding a big smile on my face.

Now because I didnt want her to think I was being deceptive or trying to go behind her back, I sent out a general email to all of my bridesmaids last week. I explained all of the details of the wedding day and listed my hair and makeup costs. Now this email was long, but it was not rude. I clearly explained that the only thing I asked was they pick a silver shoe of their choice and that they get their hair done (by whomever they wanted). I dont mind if they have makeup done and they can wear whatever jewlery they would like. I even expressed that I wanted their individual styles and personalities to come through.

I mentioned in the middle of my letter that I was thinking of having the BM wear flowers in their hair and I would let them know once I decided.

So FH comes to me last night and tells me that he doesnt like the flowers in the hair idea. I NEVER told him that this was even an idea and immediately realized that his sister was starting more sh*t about this.

Long story short, she emailed him my whole letter last week and called me a PYSCHO CRAZY BRIDEZILLA and called me CHILDISH for asking the girls to possibly wear a flower in their hair. She also called me some other choice names that I havent heard yet since FH wont show me the letter. (even though he keeps telling me he will send it to me).

At this point I am DEFINATELY kicking FSIL out of the wedding party. My problem is her other two sisters will most likely drop out because of this and I am then down 3 BM with just over 2 months to the wedding!!!

FH wont let me talk to her because I have had it with her and I have nothing but nasty things to say to her. At this point I am ready to write her off completely and not go to any more family functions or anywhere that I have to interact with her. I am literally ready to have a major brawl (biting, pinching, hair pulling and punching included)

Any advice of how I proceed with this? Talking with her calmly doesnt seem like an option at this point.

Thanks for reading this.



***UPDATE***
First of all, thank you everyone for showing me so much support and offering up so much good advice. After I went home last night, FH showed me the email she wrote about me. It was not nice and I was very upset still (It literally started by her saying 'You're bride is a nightmare'...and just got worse from there). I explained to FH that I needed him to help me Bridge the Gap that is apparently forming between myself and his family. After a long tear filled discussion, he agreed to talk further with his sister about the whole situation and is going to see if there is a way to bring she and I together to work out some issues. The biggest point that I felt I needed (and accomplished) to get across to FH is that he needs to stand by my side against all odds, including issues with his family. I hope that this one works itself out. For right now, she is remaining in the BP, but is on Red Alert. Until this is talked through and I receive an apology, I am not going to feel comfortable around her or be able to interact with her in any way. Let's see what happens. I will let you guys know.

Thanks for everything! I love all of you!!!
Tracy&Brian Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

Posted by rlgirl

You know what? you need to talk to your fh right now. If her attitude is constantly having a affect on your relationship then you need to set the record straight. Your fh always taking up for his sister will only give her more of a reason to be an a**hole. I am just amazed at how comfortable she is at talking crap about you to her brother.


I am amazed too! I would never have expected this to happen. I feel like I have been hit by a Mack Truck! FH wont deal with me until after work...understandably though.
dancerandchef Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

Tracy,
I so feel for you. My FSIL has been the same since my FH and I have been engaged.
We had decided that my cousins two daughters, my friends son, my FH niece, and two nephews would be flower girls and ring bearers.
She had a fit because her girls were not going to be involved.
We thought but not hard enough because we made a decision to have them as jr bridesmaids and then realized we did not have anyone to walk down with them. There is so much more to this soap opera but I am not writing a novel here.
She now egnores me and my FH. She has been scarcastic to me and will continue to. I have tried to be nice to her. Yes, the girls are also nieces of my FH and they know we love them just as much as we love all our nieces and nephews. These girls have been flower girls in weddings before so I don't know what she is getting so upset for.
I am hurt because I do care for my FSIL but I am unable to talk to her if I even try she will blow me off. She did it before my FH made this recent announcement.
Tracy, I am still thinking what I can do. Maybe your bridesmaids can have a meeting and say that the bride has a idea of how she wants her wedding and we as bridesmaids need to be there for her. If I think of anything else I will let you know.
I will you and your FH special best wishes on your special day. Everything will turn out wonderful.



dancer
Tracy&Brian Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

Posted by dancerandchef

Tracy, I am still thinking what I can do. Maybe your bridesmaids can have a meeting and say that the bride has a idea of how she wants her wedding and we as bridesmaids need to be there for her. If I think of anything else I will let you know.



dancer


My MOH called her 3 times and sent her 2 emails about my Bachelorette Party and she never responded. She would not even show up to a BM meeting...she wouldnt respond to the invite. Thanks for the suggestion though and also the kind words.
eden Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

I empathize with you, it's tough when a FSIL goes bananas on you and call you names 'cus she thinks you're some bridezillas when she's actually being the Maid of Horror. :P

I know how tough it is to tell them to 'beat it' but it's not so bad having just 3 bridesmaid. That's what I'm having, it's so much easier, less opinions = less headache.

Good luck with the chat with your FH!
sarahradio5 Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

I don't blame you for being sick about it... especially since your FH seems to be taking her side.

It really is annoying that the term 'Bridezilla' even exists. It really now takes all the rights of brides out of our hands for how we would like things on our wedding day because that word immediately flies out of everyone's mouths. Ya know what... on their day... they'll do the same thing.

Are you and your FH fighting about this? What does he say? It scares me because I know me and my FH will get in fights over this with his one sister. I want them all to weat their hair in an updo. Nothing specific... just up. Well, guess what? His one sister just got her hair cut REALLY short and said to me, 'So now I don't know what to do about your wedding... guess I can't wear it up!'. OMG... my blood turned hot!!! It's like she did it on purpose!

I swear... if families didn't purposely try to start sh!t, there wouldn't be so many fights.

I'm sorry you're going through this! I would boot her. How many groomsmen do you have?
TheBigDay Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

sorry to hear this, that is all nuts! Nothing wrong with asking the girls to wear a flower in their hair (unless they are crazy allergic).... it is not that big a deal of a thing for your bridesmaids to do for you and the pictures that are going to last you a life time!... Especially coming from a FSIL! you would think she would do so for her brother if not for her FSIL! i am lucky, my FSIL cares about our wedding and has been easy! along with all my other bridesmaids! you are not demanding she cut/dye/perm her hair or do anything else that has a long term physical appearance change... my MOH had a cousin that was in a wedding and the bride made her dye her hair from brown to black to match the rest of the girls!... now that is a crazy request!... i dont blame you for being so peeved, and wanting to see what else was written about you, that is very messed up!

Tracy&Brian Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

Posted by sarahradio5

I don't blame you for being sick about it... especially since your FH seems to be taking her side.

It really is annoying that the term 'Bridezilla' even exists. It really now takes all the rights of brides out of our hands for how we would like things on our wedding day because that word immediately flies out of everyone's mouths. Ya know what... on their day... they'll do the same thing.

Are you and your FH fighting about this? What does he say? It scares me because I know me and my FH will get in fights over this with his one sister. I want them all to weat their hair in an updo. Nothing specific... just up. Well, guess what? His one sister just got her hair cut REALLY short and said to me, 'So now I don't know what to do about your wedding... guess I can't wear it up!'. OMG... my blood turned hot!!! It's like she did it on purpose!

I swear... if families didn't purposely try to start sh!t, there wouldn't be so many fights.

I'm sorry you're going through this! I would boot her. How many groomsmen do you have?


Yes FH and I are fighting badly about this. Its horrible. I HATE HATE HATE the term Bridezilla!!! Its ridiculous....I feel like its when a woman is in a bad mood and all of a sudden 'SHE MUST HAVE PMS'...ughhhh!!! If the 3 sisters move to his side like FH wants, there will be 9 people on his side and 4 on mine.
sarahradio5 Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

[

Yes FH and I are fighting badly about this. Its horrible. I HATE HATE HATE the term Bridezilla!!! Its ridiculous....I feel like its when a woman is in a bad mood and all of a sudden 'SHE MUST HAVE PMS'...ughhhh!!! If the 3 sisters move to his side like FH wants, there will be 9 people on his side and 4 on mine.


What is this a football game!?!?!? This isn't a SCRIMMAGE of one side vs. the other? THAT is ridiculous. This is a UNION of two families... not a competition. I think you guys need to have a serious sit-down and re-evaluation as to what's going on here... and there is something underlying here - not just you wanting FLOWERS in his sister's hair. They don't respect you - and if he gives into this, it will continue for the rest of your lives. How are you supposed to be happy on your wedding day knowing that 'his side' obviously isn't happy about this marriage? I'm sorry they're doing this to both of you... it isn't fair to do to you at this point in your lives! I'm in the same boat, so I know...
TheBigDay Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

Posted by Tracy&Brian

Posted by sarahradio5

I don't blame you for being sick about it... especially since your FH seems to be taking her side.

It really is annoying that the term 'Bridezilla' even exists. It really now takes all the rights of brides out of our hands for how we would like things on our wedding day because that word immediately flies out of everyone's mouths. Ya know what... on their day... they'll do the same thing.

Are you and your FH fighting about this? What does he say? It scares me because I know me and my FH will get in fights over this with his one sister. I want them all to weat their hair in an updo. Nothing specific... just up. Well, guess what? His one sister just got her hair cut REALLY short and said to me, 'So now I don't know what to do about your wedding... guess I can't wear it up!'. OMG... my blood turned hot!!! It's like she did it on purpose!

I swear... if families didn't purposely try to start sh!t, there wouldn't be so many fights.

I'm sorry you're going through this! I would boot her. How many groomsmen do you have?


Yes FH and I are fighting badly about this. Its horrible. I HATE HATE HATE the term Bridezilla!!! Its ridiculous....I feel like its when a woman is in a bad mood and all of a sudden 'SHE MUST HAVE PMS'...ughhhh!!! If the 3 sisters move to his side like FH wants, there will be 9 people on his side and 4 on mine.

Y would he want them standing on his side, if they leave the Bridal party they dont walk down the isle or stand... if they are out they are out... sorry but your FH really needs to support you on this one, you can not spend the rest of your life constantly having FH not standing up for his wife, especially when she is not even wrong.. he needs to learn to stand up to his family if they are making you miserable for no purpose! His sister is just plan wrong and he really needs to see and except that and stop trying to compromise for his sister who can not be there for him and you! it is not an easy thing for him to learn to do, but better sooner than later! he needs to learn to put your relationship first!
October Bliss Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

Since killing her with kindness hasn't worked, I might try being an actual bridezilla. She doesn't like the dress color - tough sh@t, she doesn't like the flower in the hair - tough sh@t. When she gets married she can pick the dress color and hair accessories, but when it's your wedding YOU make the decisions. IMO, I would tell FH I have had it with his sister and he can either stand by your side (and stand up for what you want) or the two or you need to reevaluate the relationship and his need to keep the apron strings tied so tightly!!

kase21 Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

I would tell her she's out. If the BP is lopsided - that's a manageable problem. If she's with you all day and manages to wreck your day and keep you in tears - that's not salvageable.

I say boot the B!tch.

You have to stand up for yourself. If FH has a problem with it, I would explain that he had a chance to handle the situation and didn't, so you are only doing what you need to do to keep your sanity. These are your BMs and your day - this situation isn't working out.

Sorry this is happening to you, but I think you have made enough concessions and she needs to be put in her place.

I don't mean to sound mean but it's all about the couple that day and she's already taken so much from you - I wouldn't give her any more.
dancerandchef Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

Thank you so much Tracy

dancer
lauren721 Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

ant n tilde Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

i am really sorry that you are in this situation. . . I can't even imagine what it must be like! I have had problems with various people and I can only pass on one bit of advice from my mother

no matter how bad it gets - never let them have anything against you

it is basically the kill them with kindness strategy but seriously if you just find a happy medium between playing nice and getting your way then you can just be civil to each other until maybe after you are married she will relax a little and you two will get along better

if you freak out - even though it will feel great at the time. . . they will always have something to use against you when you aren't there and even to your FH

so as horrible as it may sound just smile and curse her out to your friends in private - that's always fun

babybug631 Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

I think you should TRY to talk to her first. This shows that you are the bigger person. If that doesn't work, then I would kick her to the curb.

Tria1110 Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

Wow... she is a miserable person. But I totally think your FH is not supporting you. I don't know if it was his idea but having his sisters on his side of the BP is a terrible idea. That is telling them that he has sided with them and not you. He should really intervene here and tell them to get on board (meaning everything - including the flower in the hair) or they are out.

Good luck...
snydl40 Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Some people are just as&holes! The best advice I can give you is to just take a deep breath and call her-(if you want a relationship in the future with her-holidays, family functions, etc). If not then ignore her, let her be a bit&* and not wear a flower in her hair-let her look like the odd woman out. Some people are just pains in the butts.

BKtoLI Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

Keep in mind this is coming from someone who went through something almost the same except it was my COUSIN. (And my trials with her have been well documented on this site)

BOOT HER OUT NOW. If you keep her in she will only continue to make you miserable, and that is no way to spend the next few months of planning OR your wedding day!!! If the sisters follow suit, than that's tough sh!t because clearly they will show they have no regard for their brother.

If your FH cannot support you in this and continues to take her side over yours, then you seriously need to take a good look at your relationship with him. Because a wedding and consequent marriage will not solve any of these problems, if anything it will just magnify them.

It took DH to see the emails my cousin sent me and how upset I was (crying almost every week) to take my side.

As for your FH having his family members on his side, let him know that is not normal. Granted he can do what he wants, but it's almost rude to you to even suggest that.

PrincessRose Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

Your FH needs to start supporting you, end of story. You're going to be his wife, which means you have to be #1. Anything else is unacceptable.

leese Posted:

Re: Need advice on what to do with FSIL...long, sorry...but I am sick to my stomach all day.

I think you need to tell your FH that you really need his support.

At the end of the day, you don't really need to see the email he sent her, or the one she sent back. Just to know for sure that he is standing up for you and that's it.

Here is the deal, she is probably just not wanting to deal with all of this. I can understand him wanting them on 'his' side - I actually wanted that too (wanted my bro on my side) and then I realized that it was dissrespectful to my DH. The best part was that when I was saying my vows, I could see my brother because I was in his direction. I'm so glad he was over there.

The girl, well, I was just called a bridezilla over the weekend and it really hurts. People don't understand till they get engaged. I remember myself thinking of friends/cousins being so controlling and annoying and now that I've been through it, I feel bad for thinking those things!

If you don't want her to be apart of it, then you have to make that tough decision.

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