LIWeddings.com
Post New Topic

NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Original post by LisaJill

FI and I have been together for almost 4 yrs. He is 31, I am 28. We have been living together for over a year. After living together for a while, I found that he was not receiving ANY credit card bills or bank statements or cell phone bills. They were all going to his moms. Every month, his mom would review all his bills and pay them from his checking account (which she shared!). In June of this year i finally said enough. We had a WAR. He would bring his laundry to her once every week or two to do, she made his lunches, he would sleep there a lot, and she paid his bills! So after fighting ALOT, he finally got his own bank account and did his own laundry (I know she still does some!). Well today I find out that when he goes to her he brings all his button downs and leaves them with her and she irons them for him. This is freaking ridiculous. He is a GROWN MAN. He could easily drop off his shirts at the cleaners for like a buck a shirt. Insteady mommy does it. And he has this sense of greatfulness because she 'helps him out' so much.
I am totally sick of this nonsense. I told him I wanted it to stop and his statement, 'you don't appreciate how much this helps me' and 'I don't see my fiance doing my ironing'. Is he kidding me? He certainly has time to play freaking videogames! He could def. do his own laundry and ironing. I just addressed this and he got up and walked out, telling me I nag.
I hate that he doesn't just see this bothers me and stop it, and I hate that she doesn't tell her 'baby boy' that she is not his freaking slave. I am sooooo PEEVED. He just left! Am I wrong for being really irate about mommy's laundering service? Please advise!!!
otherme Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Posted by LisaJill

I love this man and have tried so hard to just make us into a true healthy couple. What do you guys think?


I was just re-reading your post and this particular line you wrote jumped out at me...
Do you see that it looks like you're the only one making an effort to be a couple? From everything you've said, it seems like your fiance isn't making the same effort you are. If he goes to counseling with you, that would be a great first step. But if he continues to even refuse to listen to you about going, then it doesn't look good.
You have to have some reciprocation from him - it takes TWO people to have a healthy relationship, not just one person trying really hard. No matter how much you may want it..
LisaJill Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Day four and the standoff continues...
Again we tried to converse last night and again it ended at 3 a.m. with me crying and him sleeping in a separate room. Apparently, he believes that my attempts to stop him from having his mom do his laundry, iron his clothes, and pay his bills are efforts on my part to sever the strong emotional bond between him and his mother. In his words, I do not understand how a close family is and they are soooo tight and I am trying to break them up. He just does not seem to grasp that what I am trying to do is take this man that is used to being someone's child, and make him into a husband. His parents were divorced when he was 7 and he NEVER saw how husband and wife are supposed to be... he only knows how to have a relationship with his family.
Only 9 more hours until I can go home only home is not exactly my sanctuary right now.

Thank you ladies for all your support and advise.
Blu-ize Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

You guys are on 2 totally separate pages in your life. Go get yourself some counseling fast. You need to take care of yourself.

He is not participating in the relationship. You are finding it hard to deal with because he is not there emotionally. He definitely needs counseling but you can't force him. If you issue an ultimatum, you need to be prepared to leave or have him leave.

The ultimatum may need to be made. If it were me (and it's not) I would confront his mother. She doesn't know what a healthy relationship is and therefore he doesn't like you said. She needs to let him stand on his own two feet. That needs to be said to him. He has to act like an adult. He is not 10 he is 31 and a man!

It is not normal for his mother to take care of him like this. I certainly wouldn't want her to know everything in my life as she does now. Laundry as a child is fine, as an adult, it's very personal. Paying the bills and keeping track of spending is not her job for him. It's his job. He needs to do it for himself. What happens if she dies and you are not there (for whatever reason) and he needs to do these things for himself. Will he know how? Will he be crippled because he won't know how to balance a checkbook or when his bills are due or how much money he has in his bank account?

What will he do when she's gone?
Mrs. Powell Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

IMHO whenever you need to talk to someone talk to someone other than his family. The worst thing you can do is run to his family you do not want them to be too involved in your relationship.

enjft Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

I agree. Either go directly to his mother and let her know how you feel without being too confrontational. I have a son and I know nothing could come between us. But I also do know that I would not do even 1 ounce of what his mother is doing for him.

She has crippled him. And I am sorry but in no shape or fashion should you have to do these things for him. He has to be a father figure to his children and what he is doing now is acting like a child himself. I would say counseling would help but he doesnt want to hear it since he was groomed this way. This is the only way he knows how to be.

If talking to his mother doesnt help there is not much else you can do.

I am really sorry you are going through this. It is not fair to you
glinda_goodwitch Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Posted by LBride

Is he Italian? If he is, then I think you're fighting a losing battle. Let her do the laundry, it's saving you time and money! As long as she's nice to you...then that's all that matters.


That's not necessarily true. My FH's family is very Italian, and my FMIL taught her boys how to clean a house. It's great!
glinda_goodwitch Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Definitely talk to your FH about this. You don't want him to be dependent on his mother forever, especially if you move away. Then he'll expect you to do it all for him. He's gotten better definitely from what you've said, but if he wants things ironed, he really should do it himself. Buy an ironing board and iron, and then he'll have no excuse!

edited because I re-read your post and realized that he started doing his own laundry and bill paying.
glinda_goodwitch Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Posted by LisaJill

I didn't sleep again yesterday. I can't concentrate at work and I want to just get up and walk out. He didn't speak a word to me yesterday, left today without even so much as sneezing in my direction. He just sent me a text message telling me that he thinks this relationship is over and that he can't be with someone that stands in the way of the relationship he has with his family. He becomes the great defender of his family and I am the bad guy. All I want is for us to function as our own separate entity and I want to be the one that makes his life better, I don't want it to be his mom. That is what couples are supposed to do, help each other and rely on each other. His mom should not be a part of this at all. We should be building a stable relationship for a marriage right now and we should be getting rid of the things that are not good for a married family. Why does he refuse to recognize that it should be the two of for each other and his mother should not be part of us.
As for his video games, i tried to talk to him yesterday and he would not even pause his game. Men should not be children. If they want to play games it should at least be limited to a few times per week (not every available hour they have) and it should not interfere with their relationship.
I am so confused.
and I hate working like this.


I'm so sorry I didn't read this part before. You both really need to have a talk to let him know how this is affecting you. It's the only way it will get better.

ETA:

I know you've tried before, but sit him down and make him realize that this is serious. Let him know that the only way you can stay in this relationship is to talk this through and for him to hear your opinions. There needs to be some sort of compromise.
frosty Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

First off, I wouldn't talk to his sister because you are then bringing in a 4th person into a situation where 3 people is already too many.

It sounds that FH cannot even acknowledge that there is a problem. Until he can do that, nothing will change. That fact that he shuts down, won't pause the game to talk to you, and gives you the silent treatment is not adult behavior. It sounds like he has more respect for his family than he does for you. It is really difficult to have a healthy relationship when this is the case.

I would seriously consider counseling, with or without him present. The issues here are deeper than handling finances, doing laundry etc. His behavior seems to demonstrate that he will always put his family ahead of you. What happens after you have children?

TheBigDay Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Honestly her 'helping' does not help him or you! I just feel like some moms do that stuff for themselves not really their kids! It keeps him from learning how to be and what it is to be an adult on his own and her doing all this babying stuff is NOT helping him! Anyway, good luck! that would DRIVE ME NUTS!

TheFutureMrsM Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

I really hope everything works out, I dont however think that getting married and having children will fix his problem...I know someone who married a man similar to your description and she never had kids with him because she knew he would not be helpful, 20 years later they divorced. no children... now its to late.
dont let this happen to you. There are great guys out there who arent afraid to tell their parents off and tell them to back off. You want to have a great life with someone, and I hope you find that person who listens and talks to you when you are feeling down, someone you can lean on for support, he doesnt seem like a great support for you...hope it works out
Emr12575 Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Not sure I'm getting the whole pic.

His moms name was on his account and she was paying all his bills for him with his money, You asked him to stop and he did by getting his own account. She was cleaning his clothes and you asked him to do it himself and he has been. Now you find out she irons his button down shirts. I guess he doesn't want to spend the money to get them ironed when his mom is willing to do them for him. Did you tell him you will iron them for him since you are his FW.
Why don't you want his mom to iron his shirts?
What's the big deal, why does this make you so unhappy? Why does he feel you are standing in the way of his relationship with his family? what does his mom ironing his shirts have to do with building a stable relationship for a marriage?
I don't think mom ironing his shirts makes him inmature, it makes him lazy. I'd bet if you as his FW started to iron his shirts than he wouldn t have to go to mom.

I'm so sorry you are going though this but yes I think you are wrong. Unless you are willing to take over the ironing or taking his shirts in to be ironed (like most wifes) than you are not working to build a stable relationship for marriage either.
If the only complaint I had about my FMIL was ironing his shirts I'd be in heaven.

You both have to give a little before you can take.
LisaJill Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Posted by Emr12575

Why don't you want his mom to iron his shirts?
What's the big deal, why does this make you so unhappy? Why does he feel you are standing in the way of his relationship with his family? what does his mom ironing his shirts have to do with building a stable relationship for a marriage?
I don't think mom ironing his shirts makes him inmature, it makes him lazy. I'd bet if you as his FW started to iron his shirts than he wouldn t have to go to mom.

I'm so sorry you are going though this but yes I think you are wrong. Unless you are willing to take over the ironing or taking his shirts in to be ironed (like most wifes) than you are not working to build a stable relationship for marriage either.
If the only complaint I had about my FMIL was ironing his shirts I'd be in heaven.

You both have to give a little before you can take.


Bry??? Is that you????? Did you just get a screen name and post this??? Take over ironing like most wives? Take shirts to the cleaners? Are you kidding me? Does your car not work? Do you not have two hands, an iron in your residence, and a set of keys??? This has to be Bryan... I think we have an imposter among us!
Blu-ize Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Posted by LisaJill

Posted by Emr12575

Why don't you want his mom to iron his shirts?
What's the big deal, why does this make you so unhappy? Why does he feel you are standing in the way of his relationship with his family? what does his mom ironing his shirts have to do with building a stable relationship for a marriage?
I don't think mom ironing his shirts makes him inmature, it makes him lazy. I'd bet if you as his FW started to iron his shirts than he wouldn t have to go to mom.

I'm so sorry you are going though this but yes I think you are wrong. Unless you are willing to take over the ironing or taking his shirts in to be ironed (like most wifes) than you are not working to build a stable relationship for marriage either.
If the only complaint I had about my FMIL was ironing his shirts I'd be in heaven.

You both have to give a little before you can take.


Bry??? Is that you????? Did you just get a screen name and post this??? Take over ironing like most wives? Take shirts to the cleaners? Are you kidding me? Does your car not work? Do you not have two hands, an iron in your residence, and a set of keys??? This has to be Bryan... I think we have an imposter among us!


You really think so?
enjft Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Posted by Emr12575

Not sure I'm getting the whole pic.

His moms name was on his account and she was paying all his bills for him with his money, You asked him to stop and he did by getting his own account. She was cleaning his clothes and you asked him to do it himself and he has been. Now you find out she irons his button down shirts. I guess he doesn't want to spend the money to get them ironed when his mom is willing to do them for him. Did you tell him you will iron them for him since you are his FW.
Why don't you want his mom to iron his shirts?
What's the big deal, why does this make you so unhappy? Why does he feel you are standing in the way of his relationship with his family? what does his mom ironing his shirts have to do with building a stable relationship for a marriage?
I don't think mom ironing his shirts makes him inmature, it makes him lazy. I'd bet if you as his FW started to iron his shirts than he wouldn t have to go to mom.

I'm so sorry you are going though this but yes I think you are wrong. Unless you are willing to take over the ironing or taking his shirts in to be ironed (like most wifes) than you are not working to build a stable relationship for marriage either.
If the only complaint I had about my FMIL was ironing his shirts I'd be in heaven.

You both have to give a little before you can take.


I was about to say this has to be his mother!
LisaJill Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Seriously, i think it is him... there were only 2 posts... which means this person's first post waas this... what are the chances??????

enjft Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

And they keep going in and out of person!

Blu-ize Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

It sounds more like his mother than him. Also, it sounds very old fashioned.

My husband has lived on his own since he's 18. He knows how to do everything in the house. We split the chores. If I don't do a laundry, he will. We send out the shirts to the cleaners. If he's home before me, he picks it up. If he is out later than me, then I do it. That's cooperation, that's a mature and loving relationship. If something bugs him that I am doing and it's affecting us as a team, then it needs to get resolved. We talk it over, make compromises, decide on a plan. The fact that his mother won't call the house is a clear indication that she is afraid of a confrontation with you, Lisa. IYou have more power here than you think.

There are some power play issues here besides the laundry and dry cleaning. Get to the heart of the matter and resolve it.

I sure hope this helps.
otherme Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Posted by enjft

Posted by Emr12575

Not sure I'm getting the whole pic.

His moms name was on his account and she was paying all his bills for him with his money, You asked him to stop and he did by getting his own account. She was cleaning his clothes and you asked him to do it himself and he has been. Now you find out she irons his button down shirts. I guess he doesn't want to spend the money to get them ironed when his mom is willing to do them for him. Did you tell him you will iron them for him since you are his FW.
Why don't you want his mom to iron his shirts?
What's the big deal, why does this make you so unhappy? Why does he feel you are standing in the way of his relationship with his family? what does his mom ironing his shirts have to do with building a stable relationship for a marriage?
I don't think mom ironing his shirts makes him inmature, it makes him lazy. I'd bet if you as his FW started to iron his shirts than he wouldn t have to go to mom.

I'm so sorry you are going though this but yes I think you are wrong. Unless you are willing to take over the ironing or taking his shirts in to be ironed (like most wifes) than you are not working to build a stable relationship for marriage either.
If the only complaint I had about my FMIL was ironing his shirts I'd be in heaven.

You both have to give a little before you can take.


I was about to say this has to be his mother!



Regardless of if this bizarre reply was written by him or his mother - i think the person is missing the entire point of your original question!
A man (and it looks like i'm using this term loosely in this case) should be self sufficient enough to live on his own and take care of himself, not have his mommy take care of things for him. The ironing is just symbolic of a whole bigger problem - not a problem in itself.

And to make a comment that most wives should do their husbands ironing??? Don't even get me started on that one..
glinda_goodwitch Posted:

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Posted by Emr12575

Not sure I'm getting the whole pic.

His moms name was on his account and she was paying all his bills for him with his money, You asked him to stop and he did by getting his own account. She was cleaning his clothes and you asked him to do it himself and he has been. Now you find out she irons his button down shirts. I guess he doesn't want to spend the money to get them ironed when his mom is willing to do them for him. Did you tell him you will iron them for him since you are his FW.
Why don't you want his mom to iron his shirts?
What's the big deal, why does this make you so unhappy? Why does he feel you are standing in the way of his relationship with his family? what does his mom ironing his shirts have to do with building a stable relationship for a marriage?
I don't think mom ironing his shirts makes him inmature, it makes him lazy. I'd bet if you as his FW started to iron his shirts than he wouldn t have to go to mom.

I'm so sorry you are going though this but yes I think you are wrong. Unless you are willing to take over the ironing or taking his shirts in to be ironed (like most wifes) than you are not working to build a stable relationship for marriage either.
If the only complaint I had about my FMIL was ironing his shirts I'd be in heaven.

You both have to give a little before you can take.


Oh, please. Most wives work nowadays, and don't have time to iron their husband's shirts let alone their own shirts! If he wants his shirts ironed, he should do it himself. IF his wife does it for him, then she is being very nice. He should NEVER expect it just because she is his wife. YOUR view is a very dated way of looking at things.

Reply to this topic

Log in to reply or quote a post.