Posted by LisaJill
I didn't sleep again yesterday. I can't concentrate at work and I want to just get up and walk out. He didn't speak a word to me yesterday, left today without even so much as sneezing in my direction. He just sent me a text message telling me that he thinks this relationship is over and that he can't be with someone that stands in the way of the relationship he has with his family. He becomes the great defender of his family and I am the bad guy. All I want is for us to function as our own separate entity and I want to be the one that makes his life better, I don't want it to be his mom. That is what couples are supposed to do, help each other and rely on each other. His mom should not be a part of this at all. We should be building a stable relationship for a marriage right now and we should be getting rid of the things that are not good for a married family. Why does he refuse to recognize that it should be the two of for each other and his mother should not be part of us.
As for his video games, i tried to talk to him yesterday and he would not even pause his game. Men should not be children. If they want to play games it should at least be limited to a few times per week (not every available hour they have) and it should not interfere with their relationship.
I am so confused.
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and I hate working like this.![]()
Lisa,
I love you and think everything you are hoping and asking for are more than reasonable. I know you have tried so hard, especially in the past year or so, to work out these serious concerns and issues. At times things seem to get better, but we return to this same place, and that is why my heart really aches for you. There is only so much you can do, unfortunately, and the rest is up to him.
I think we can all see that things cannot go on as they are if you two are going to be happy together.
I am trying to put myself in your place, and I think I would have more hope if he at least had the DESIRE to change things. The thing that really concerns me most is that he doesn't even seem to admit or recognize that there even is a problem, let alone do anything to fix it, which is why, perhaps, he won't go for counseling.
I am not one who believes that everything has to be 'perfect' for two people to get married. I think differences in people can go a long way in balancing things out about each other, and can be healthy and good.
You know that, prior to my marriage, I had some concerns with my own DH and some issues he had with trust given some problems he had growing up that seem to affect him sometimes today, even though he's not a child anymore. Everyone has some kind of baggage. I worried too, if I should call off my wedding.
You know what happened and how that turned out. I was fortunate that DH realized he had some issues to work out (which, really, is the first step in solving any problem) and he subsequently agreed to go to counseling with me. We were fortunate to be able to work through that, and so, on my wedding day, I was able to walk down that aisle without doubts in my mind, and knowing that DH and I had what it takes to get through some really tough things.
Marriage will NOT make ANYTHING any easier. I know you know this, but sometimes it's hard to remember and realize, when times are so exciting and happy, that these problems will NEVER go away unless you can BOTH admit there's a problem and work together to fix it.
I am not telling you to call off the wedding. I would never even attempt to make a decision like that for you. I am saying that if I were you, I would truly think long and hard about my future. I would try my very hardest to get through to him and make him realize how very serious this is, and how very honest you need to be with each other. I would try everything to get him to see the problem... I would truly fight to be with the man I love, if I believed in my heart that we could be happy together for the rest of our lives. If I couldn't get through to him though, I would walk away, and I would remind myself every day of the pain I'm saving myself from, and perhaps any future children as well.
So my advice is to try until you feel like you've exhausted everything you can do - and before you've gotten to that point, I hope and pray for you that he will see the problem and want to make things right as much as you do. If not, then I do pray that you realize that you DO have the strength to leave him.
You are strong, independent, smart, and beautiful Lisa. You deserve to be happy and life is to short to feel bad more than you feel good. No one knows your 'realest', most intimate relationship with your FH except for you. No one can try to understand what you have together except for you two. So search yourself and be honest with yourself and with each other, and you will know the right thing to do, whatever that is.
I will support you every step of the way with anything I can do, no matter what.
