NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)

Original post by LisaJill

Nov 26, 2005 08:30 PM

FI and I have been together for almost 4 yrs. He is 31, I am 28. We have been living together for over a year. After living together for a while, I found that he was not receiving ANY credit card bills or bank statements or cell phone bills. They were all going to his moms. Every month, his mom would review all his bills and pay them from his checking account (which she shared!). In June of this year i finally said enough. We had a WAR. He would bring his laundry to her once every week or two to do, she made his lunches, he would sleep there a lot, and she paid his bills! So after fighting ALOT, he finally got his own bank account and did his own laundry (I know she still does some!). Well today I find out that when he goes to her he brings all his button downs and leaves them with her and she irons them for him. This is freaking ridiculous. He is a GROWN MAN. He could easily drop off his shirts at the cleaners for like a buck a shirt. Insteady mommy does it. And he has this sense of greatfulness because she 'helps him out' so much.
I am totally sick of this nonsense. I told him I wanted it to stop and his statement, 'you don't appreciate how much this helps me' and 'I don't see my fiance doing my ironing'. Is he kidding me? He certainly has time to play freaking videogames! He could def. do his own laundry and ironing. I just addressed this and he got up and walked out, telling me I nag.
I hate that he doesn't just see this bothers me and stop it, and I hate that she doesn't tell her 'baby boy' that she is not his freaking slave. I am sooooo PEEVED. He just left! Am I wrong for being really irate about mommy's laundering service? Please advise!!!

csorisi Posted: Nov 27, 2005 12:35 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

I was in a similar situation--not as bad but similiar. My MIL did EVERYTHING at my DHs house--laundry, cleaning everything--they don't even pick up their crumbs when they made a mess on teh counter--expected the maid to come pick it up (his mother). She never allowed them to see what they were doing. Also when he first moved in here she would do his laundry for him--most of his ironing is done by the dry cleaning because he wears dress shirts every day to work. I told him though that when I moved into the apartment there was no way that his mother would do our laundry--even though she offered I said no--I can do it myself or we can do it together--we made it a group outing. It was hard at first for him to realize that in todays world the things that his mother did for him were extra because she only works a part time job and that there was no way I would be able to do both & work full time--so that he would have to pick up the slack by doing his own stuff.

since he won't go to counseling I have 3 suggestions.
1. Go yourself--maybe there is more to this then just his mom's involvement--maybe you aren't sure about the relationship. My DH understood when I told him I didn't want his mother involved in our daily lives like that.
2. Talk to him again--explain to him how you feel & tell him before you say anything that you want to talk & that walking away from each other isn't going to solve anything--that you want to understand why he gives her his laundry--that you want this to work & that when you become a family and get married & that the two of you are the new family & although you appreciate what his mother does for him--it has to be done by the 2 of you. I don't think it should end in a screaming match--that get you both nowhere. If it is really something that bothers you he should understand and accept it....if not unfortunately he will never change. Make sure that you approach this in a cautious way--remember you are still talking \about his mom which with men is a very sensitive subject.
3. If you are close with his mother--just talk with her I wouldn't flat out say I don't want you doing his laundry but again approach with caution remember you are the person taking her spot.

All in all this is a tough situation but at 31 he should be doing his own stuff especially his own bills--he has to learn responsibility and get his own stuff together. Just seems like he is too much of a mommy's little boy.

LBride Posted: Nov 27, 2005 12:39 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

Is he Italian? If he is, then I think you're fighting a losing battle. Let her do the laundry, it's saving you time and money! As long as she's nice to you...then that's all that matters.

weddingbunny Posted: Nov 27, 2005 12:43 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

You are definitely not wrong here. It's not so much about ironing a few shirts... it's about the fact that he is a grown man, not a child, and he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. When you get married, you don't want his mother always in your face. By the age of 31, a man needs to be able to do his own laundry.
And in this day and age, a man needs to do his own laundry without that 'well you're the woman, you should do the ironing' crap. Unless that's what you plan on doing for him... I know I certainly won't, at least not on a regular basis.

and the finances thing... that's just ridiculous.

Best of luck with this. I wish I knew what to tell you to do... other than just continue to make it clear to him that this bothers you. Have you tried explaining to him why it bothers you, instead of just telling him you don't want to do it? Have you had actual conversations about it, or only fights? How is your relationship with his mother? Have you spoken to her about it? Have you talked about what will change when you are married?

I don't know. Good luck.

LisaJill Posted: Nov 27, 2005 12:53 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

Posted by weddingbunny

Have you tried explaining to him why it bothers you, instead of just telling him you don't want to do it? Have you had actual conversations about it, or only fights? How is your relationship with his mother? Have you spoken to her about it? Have you talked about what will change when you are married?

I don't know. Good luck.

I have tried speaking to him about it on numerous occasions. I spoke to him about the bills, the lunches, the laundry, everything. His mother and I do not have a relationship. She only calls his cell phone, never our house phone and on the rare occasions she calls our house phone, she leave a message 'hi bryan...' she has been far less than welcoming to me and I feel like I have stolen her husband. he just doesn't get it and thinks that I am trying to separate him from his family. He doesn't understand that I just want to marry someone that does not have these odd connections to his mom, in fact, I think he should be outright embarrassed about this -- i would be. We had plans with my family today, and he just up and left me again. This is a nightmare

babybug631 Posted: Nov 27, 2005 01:02 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

Oh, I totally agree with you. My FH and I just got an apartment in July. He will not park his car on the street, so he still keeps it in the parents driveway. He mostly takes the train to work, but if he has to take a car, he takes his mom's old Corsica (the family beat-up car) because they don't care if it gets dinged. When he does borrow the car, SHE takes car service to work. Now THAT is ridiculous. I could go on and on. But if I say anything, I'm considered ungrateful.

sarahthegreat Posted: Nov 27, 2005 01:24 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

ok, that is ridiculous! 31 and his momma taking care of everything for him?? thats sad. whats going to happen once you get married - will you have to go through his mom to? no way.

what does he have to say about this?

LisaJill Posted: Nov 27, 2005 01:34 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

he says its all me not understanding what a help she is. that i just don't understand that it makes life easy on him. Oh, FYI -- he just up and left again, even though he knows we were supposed to go to my family today. I am full of hurt and anger.

12-3Princess Posted: Nov 27, 2005 04:56 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

You're not ridiculous at all Lisa.
I emailed you.

mclane Posted: Nov 27, 2005 05:06 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

I'd be mad too.

chloeme2 Posted: Nov 27, 2005 06:02 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

This is a touchy subject. My FI and I work different shifts. He goes to his parents for dinner everyday since I'm at work. Mom usually packs him lunch for the next day but that's where it ends. I would get irritated if I were in your shoes. I wouldn't let it ruin our relationship though. Maybe once things simmer down the 2 of you can discuss what he can do to become a little less dependant on his mother and a bit more self-reliable. Mothers tend to feel needed though when they take care of their children even if they are GROWN MEN, LOL.

SummerBride06 Posted: Nov 27, 2005 06:13 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

Posted by LisaJill

I told him it upset me and he did not easily cave. It took months and me threatening to leave. MONTHS.

this right here is a major red flag. regardless of the reason, you should never threaten to leave. are you going to threaten divorce when you're married? you both should get counseling and i agree that it goes much deeper than laundry.

that being said, he has to cut the cord. what he's doing is inappropriate and he and his mother are to blame. next time you talk about it, don't yell or threaten. if you talk civilly you'll get more accomplished.

best of luck!

sk1nny27 Posted: Nov 27, 2005 06:43 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

you are not wrong. this needs to be resolved asap cause once a momma boy always... lets hope not. good luck. i would be going crazy too. sorry

LisaJill Posted: Nov 27, 2005 07:38 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

Thanks for all of your support. I am gonna spend a few days thinking about this and I am going to continue to ask that he join me and see a counselor. He shot down my first few requests, but I will keep on it. If of course we ever return to speaking terms.
Anyone know any good couple counselors?? BTW, is it going to be terribly expensive??
Thanks again for everything, is so nice to know that there are such good people out there. xoxoxoxox

TheFutureMrsM Posted: Nov 27, 2005 08:08 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

seriously...take some advice GET OUT while u still can. He is a MANBOY. I am so aggrivated reading your post. Its sad, I dont understand how grown men play video games. its just pathetic. I could never be with someone like that and i have heard girls like you get involved with these MANBOYS before...its not good!!! My man does the bills, he cooks, cleans, does laundry and works about 70 hours a week, no video game playing going on in my house!!!

Happybride2005 Posted: Nov 27, 2005 08:10 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

you'll get through it. video games is okay if its not 24/7

LaurenluvsTJ Posted: Nov 27, 2005 09:26 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

Posted by soontobe2007

seriously...take some advice GET OUT while u still can. He is a MANBOY. I am so aggrivated reading your post. Its sad, I dont understand how grown men play video games. its just pathetic. I could never be with someone like that and i have heard girls like you get involved with these MANBOYS before...its not good!!! My man does the bills, he cooks, cleans, does laundry and works about 70 hours a week, no video game playing going on in my house!!!

I think there are issues here way beyond playing video games. My FH plays video games and this would in no way stop me from marrying him. Don't judge other people like that, its just plain mean and narrow minded.

As for the situation here, I agree with what many others have said. You should seek some counseling before marriage. Guys can be stubborn sometimes, but if you explain to him you are really concerned, and he really cares, he will go with you. Is he an only child? It sounds like his mom has been taking care of him and only him for many years, and they are just both totally used to it and are very resistant to change. Your FH needs to understand what getting married is all about, that the two of you will be a family now. Not you, him, and his mom.
Hopefully he will come around. I wish you luck and lots of

JazzyT Posted: Nov 27, 2005 09:52 PM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

Tough subject, must be careful when you speak to him about it. He's a grown man now and is about to have his own family, he should pay his own bills, do his own laundry etc.
Maybe you should explain to him that doing this makes you feel bad instead of fighting with him.

Blu-ize Posted: Nov 28, 2005 08:40 AM

Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)

so sorry you are going through this. I am inclined to say something sarcastic and it wouldn't be appropriate about something else his mother can do for him... I'll leave it at that. Maybe that would put it in perspective for him.

He is acting like his mother's husband and it sounds like it's out of obligation and guilt. He gives her this stuff to do so his conscience is clear. He thinks he's helping her. They are both clinging to an ideal that is not healthy or normal.

If he's not willing to go to counseling, go yourself. You can't change him, but you can change your behavior about it and that may change his behavior.

Take it one step at a time. Breathe, put a plan in place to make yourself feel better first. As far as him not talking to you, well, that's his problem. He is his mother's baby and you can call him on the carpet for that. That's how an immature baby acts when they don't get their way. Do not give in to that behavior. That's one way to change things. As I see it, he needs you more than you need him. You are an independent, smart capable woman.