NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)
LisaJill
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NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (Do I call his sister??)
FI and I have been together for almost 4 yrs. He is 31, I am 28. We have been living together for over a year. After living together for a while, I found that he was not receiving ANY credit card bills or bank statements or cell phone bills. They were all going to his moms. Every month, his mom would review all his bills and pay them from his checking account (which she shared!). In June of this year i finally said enough. We had a WAR. He would bring his laundry to her once every week or two to do, she made his lunches, he would sleep there a lot, and she paid his bills! So after fighting ALOT, he finally got his own bank account and did his own laundry (I know she still does some!). Well today I find out that when he goes to her he brings all his button downs and leaves them with her and she irons them for him. This is freaking ridiculous. He is a GROWN MAN. He could easily drop off his shirts at the cleaners for like a buck a shirt. Insteady mommy does it. And he has this sense of greatfulness because she 'helps him out' so much. I am totally sick of this nonsense. I told him I wanted it to stop and his statement, 'you don't appreciate how much this helps me' and 'I don't see my fiance doing my ironing'. Is he kidding me? He certainly has time to play freaking videogames! He could def. do his own laundry and ironing. I just addressed this and he got up and walked out, telling me I nag. I hate that he doesn't just see this bothers me and stop it, and I hate that she doesn't tell her 'baby boy' that she is not his freaking slave. I am sooooo PEEVED. He just left! Am I wrong for being really irate about mommy's laundering service? Please advise!!!
espresso
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
I think its nice of his mom to be so helpful but honestly I do think its a bit odd. Perhaps explain to him that he will have his own household soon (mention kids in the future too if you guys are planning on having any) and tell him that eventually he will have to learn to take care of himself. He can't rely on mommy forever.
But state it carefully, you dont him to think you're insulting either him or his mom.
Good luck!
JanuaryBride06
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
Posted by LisaJill
Am I wrong for being really irate about mommy's laundering service? Please advise!!!
No, you're not wrong because it's more than just about laundry and bank accounts. By doing his laundry, helping him pay bills, those are things are to take place in the home that just you and FH share, not you, FH and his mommy. It could lead to instances where she may feel entitled to state her opinion - especially with her involved in his finances.
Beyond that, she has also raised him with the expection that you will transition into taking her place. When he said, I don't see you ironing - he meant it - he will expect you to pick up where she will eventually leave off.
You're going to have to force his hand in cutting the cord. Tell him straight out - he has to be responsible for himself and if he's ready to commit to you for life, he's certainly man enough to put down the controller and take care of his finances and pick up an iron and take responsibility not just for himself but for his new life with you.
I'ts going to be tough -- GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
ncd623
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
Woah!!!
Goldi1021
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
No you are not ridiculous.
Some mothers have a very hard time letting go. It sounds to me like she is an enabler. I have this discussion with FH from time to time. Once a man decides to share a home and start a family with a woman, fiancee or not, his allegiances are with her and THEIR home. Sure it is ok to visit his mother. Sure it is ok to even help HER with somethings she may not be able to do but SHE is NOT number one any more.
Even if he had NO ability to iron (I'm not really good at it either), ONE of you should be able to do it and thats fine. You do things for each other. I cook. FH cleans. He irons, I clean the toilet (raw deal but I dont ruin shirts by cleaning the toilet!)
In your case, your FH has yet to cut the cord. A man in his 30s should have his own checkbook. I have had one since I am 18 and started college. SOMETIMES parents and children share an account ONLY if the child needs to have signing power in the event the parent is rendered unable to take care of themselves. Children of elderly parents, like my siblings and myself, do this.
LisaJill
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
Sadly, I regret not doing this before we got engaged. I was stupid to think that being engaged would change everything. Now, I am just in a bigger mess because now I will be in a broken engagement if things don't work out. Look at my past posts, they are all the same nonsense and I am just soo lost. I am sorry I am just really sad and confused and frustrated. I really don't know what to do and I am scared. You are saying exactly what I know in my heart. I want a home with him, we should make a life together, without his mom's imput... which will no doubt get worse once we have kids. It should be him and I as a union and the fact of the matter is that he has taken the place in his mom's life of a husband.. she has been divorced for 20 years and has always been alone. It is not fair, she has already had her time and it should be miine. I feel like calling her and telling her that I want her to just stop this! It is not fair.
espresso
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
Posted by JanuaryBride06
Posted by LisaJill
Beyond that, she has also raised him with the expection that you will transition into taking her place. When he said, I don't see you ironing - he meant it - he will expect you to pick up where she will eventually leave off.
Ya, this is another thing I would worry about. He might be so dependant on his mom to take care of these basic necessities that he'll expect you to take over...
SillyBeans
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
You are so right in what you are saying! she doesn't want to let him go, and by doing all these things for him, she feels like he will always 'need' her. Sorry, he can do his own ironing. I live with my FH and I refuse to iron his shirts. I totally understand your situation. My FH mom packs him food to work for lunch. She argues with him because he won't bring his laundry to the house. He used to, then we too got into the same argument you are having. I think he got up and walked out because he knows you are right, and may feel a bit embarrassed about how his mom is still taking care of him? I feel your pain
BernandRob
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
Oh boy that does suck. I am one of six kids, I have 4 brothers, and sometimes I have to tell my mom that she babies my brothers too much. It drives me insane I can't imagine what you are putting up with right now. He needs to understand the difference b/w his mom helping him out and just plain holding his hand through his entire life.
BRod-Cheng
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
I don't think that you are overreacting. Unfortunately, I doubt that the behavior will end once he is married. All of those things should have stopped as soon as he moved out.
Joyous1995
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
Posted by JanuaryBride06
Posted by LisaJill
Am I wrong for being really irate about mommy's laundering service? Please advise!!!
No, you're not wrong because it's more than just about laundry and bank accounts. By doing his laundry, helping him pay bills, those are things are to take place in the home that just you and FH share, not you, FH and his mommy. It could lead to instances where she may feel entitled to state her opinion - especially with her involved in his finances.
Beyond that, she has also raised him with the expection that you will transition into taking her place. When he said, I don't see you ironing - he meant it - he will expect you to pick up where she will eventually leave off.
You're going to have to force his hand in cutting the cord. Tell him straight out - he has to be responsible for himself and if he's ready to commit to you for life, he's certainly man enough to put down the controller and take care of his finances and pick up an iron and take responsibility not just for himself but for his new life with you.
I'ts going to be tough -- GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
I absolutely agree
nov04LIbride
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
My DH had this a bit with his mother, and she always instilled in him that women should be doing those things. Guess what--I make as much money and work as hard and do NOT do everything like cleaning, cooking, shopping. He assumed I would iron and he did not want to spend the money on dry cleaning, so his shirts are wrinkled all the time.
You seem hesitant about the marriage though, and I would suggest counseling before getting married because besides finances, family is the greatest reason for divorce. If he always chooses her over you, or still uses her as a crutch, you and him are not a family...I admit, I had a hard time stopping relying on my mother. Though I hadn't lived home in 10 years, she is my best friend and I was so used to calling her when I needed someone or something. Last time I called DH with a problem, he said, Did you call me or your mom first? I had called him.
Joyous1995
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
i agree with the girls it is a bad sign. He is going to expect you to take over once his mother stops
BRIDEMICHELE
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
I have a confession to make. My FMIL does my FH's laundry and mine too! I know- it's horrible. But my FH and I struck a deal when we first moved in together that he would do the laundry and I would do the dishes and the bathroom in return. Months later I figured out that he was bringing the wash to his mom's to use her machine and she was actually doing all the work. She even irons them all. That was three years ago. I know I should put a stop to it but she does a really good job and I hate hate hate laundry. So I pretend I don't know.
oh and as for the checking account. I pay all our bills from my checking account (FH gives me his share but I actually write the checks). I'm glad his mom isn't involved in his expenses but the important this in that it get paid. Weather he's doing, you're doing or his mom is doing it, just as long as it get done.
jimmysgrl
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
First of all Second of all, there definitely does need to be a line drawn. You had said you were stuck because you've been lost and you knew about this before the engagement but please know, you are never, ever stuck. Your FH doesn't sound like he understands how to do anything for himself, so maybe you and him can sit down and go over HOW he can do it on his own. If he is not willing to and you don't think you can live with the umbilical chord, then consider that. Please. Now. It is never too late to re-evaluate. Never. Better now than after the wedding when his wife comes second to the woman that 'takes care of him.'
Happybride2005
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
I wouldn't be overly concerned with the ironing, but that is just me; however, I would FLIP out if she had any access to his bank accounts and bills at all (unless of course she was trying to make up for being the most miserable mother on earth and pay everything off for him, but that is my whole other story, lol )
She should not be in your bills/business like that.
Marie0157
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
Posted by LisaJill
Sadly, I regret not doing this before we got engaged. I was stupid to think that being engaged would change everything. Now, I am just in a bigger mess because now I will be in a broken engagement if things don't work out. Look at my past posts, they are all the same nonsense and I am just soo lost. I am sorry I am just really sad and confused and frustrated. I really don't know what to do and I am scared. You are saying exactly what I know in my heart. I want a home with him, we should make a life together, without his mom's imput... which will no doubt get worse once we have kids. It should be him and I as a union and the fact of the matter is that he has taken the place in his mom's life of a husband.. she has been divorced for 20 years and has always been alone. It is not fair, she has already had her time and it should be miine. I feel like calling her and telling her that I want her to just stop this! It is not fair.
You asked him to get his own checking account and he did. Now it's laundry, so his mom irons his shirts, it saves you both money unless you would rather be ironing his shirts. I don't see the big deal and you would break the engagement over this. Sounds like there is alot more going on than just ironed shirts.
cjb88
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
i think his mother has just as much of a problem as your FH... she needs to let go... however, personally, the bill paying thing would bother me a lot... but the laundry i wouldnt care about... it would be one less thing that I would have to worry about... i would probably ask if i could drop of my ironing too! i would however never stand for the bill paying thing... that informatin is none of her business!
LisaJill
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Re: NWR: Am I wrong for thinking this is ridiculous? (sorry kind of long)
I figured out that she was still paying his bills last year when she called him when I was in the car with him and asked him about his ebay charges (he had bought me tickets to a show). I also realized that whenver we went to dinner, he paid cash. I told him it upset me and he did not easily cave. It took months and me threatening to leave. MONTHS. he sees nothing wrong with his mom's involvement. I don't want it to be the three of us, i want him and I to be able to function as a unit and I do not want to give her the opportunity to continue to show him that she would 'give him the shirt off her back' which he ALWAYS says. It is sickening. And he sees nothing wrong with any of this and he attacks me. I went over to him yesterday and asked that he just go to 2-3 counseling sessions with me and if he thinks he is so right then maybe the counselor will agree with him and then i will stop bugging him about these things. He totally refused to go and then up and left. He even slept in a separate bedroom last night. This is a complete nightmare and i am so sick of fighting over the same thing... the fact that he still needs his mom to function. I am very close with my dad, and I could never imagine that a man that is supposed to take care of his family still has his mother as financial advisor/meal preparer/launderer, etc. Thanks for all your support and understanding. I have asked for counseling and have been rejected, I don't know what to do from here. I am truly involved with a child.
