NWR: Guy/girl friend issue

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Posted by jenny4230

I've heard that men get hit on more when they have a wedding ring on! crazy

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tell your single guy friends to go out with a 'wedding ring' on.

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Posted by JambaLady

how did you find out that she has a thing for him? Did he tell you this or did she actually tell your fiance that she liked him?

If she told him directly, then I would absolutely insist that they should not be friends.

And if it's just something that he thinks, why does he think so?

It seems odd to me. Not that I think your fiance would act on it. Does he just like the attention of other girls?

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(as advised by her friend) She told him she couldn't talk to him because she found herself thinking about him during the day. And when she found out he was engaged she thanked him for telling her because 'he could probably tell she was interested'
ETA: It's not that he likes the attention but he likes making new friends

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Posted by jenny4230

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Posted by JambaLady

how did you find out that she has a thing for him? Did he tell you this or did she actually tell your fiance that she liked him?

If she told him directly, then I would absolutely insist that they should not be friends.

And if it's just something that he thinks, why does he think so?

It seems odd to me. Not that I think your fiance would act on it. Does he just like the attention of other girls?

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(as advised by her friend) She told him she couldn't talk to him because she found herself thinking about him during the day. And when she found out he was engaged she thanked him for telling her because 'he could probably tell she was interested'
ETA: It's not that he likes the attention but he likes making new friends

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I would tell him to make a new one!

Not to freak you out, but you need to nip this relationship (between Fi and 'friend) in the bud. To make a long story short, I had a similar situtaion where this girl who was introduced to us by a mutual friend, ended up trying to make a play for my FI when we were having issues a few years ago. Nothing happened and my FI told me about it later, but it sounds like this girl def. has an agenda and it will cause problems later. In my situtaion, they did not hang out together, but did the bulk of their communicating online.

Sorry misunderstood

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Posted by mrsh2b

I think it's great that you are trying to find ways to deal with this. The bottom line is you have to trust him. She can do all the flirting and flaunting that she wants because ultimately it is he that will set the tone of their relationship. Him not encouraging her shenanigans or buying into it is what matters. Since he is so up front with you about her, I think you have a great, trustworthy guy. Don't worry about her...you're the one with the ring.

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I couldn't agree more.
If you plan on sharing a life with this person, you have to understand that there will be people in his life that you don't like. You have to trust him or else you are in for a rough life.

My FI and I moved to Los Angeles last year and both of us made new friends. We have both made male and female friends. We do not get upset at each other when we have plans with our friends.
We wouldn't be getting married if we didn't trust each other.

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Posted by qdavis


Honestly..I know how you feel b/c I was in a similar situation where this girl would email him. You just have to trust him no matter what she does....Does he see at all?

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Are you asking if he sees her? He's actually only met her once and after that he's only talked to her on the phone and over email.

I'm sorry, but I have to be honest here. I have no problem with men and women being friends. However, if such a friend has declared their true feelings are more than friends, then I think the friendship needs to end. It is inappropriate because someone in the friendship is longing for the relationship to be something more, probably hoping that your relationship with your FH breakdown. In my opinion, the only people I can be friends with are people who want the best for me and my FH as a couple. Someone who longs for one of us would not want the best for us as a couple and therefore could not be my friend.

It does not make them a bad person necessarily, it does make them an inappropriate friend.

I know this is not what you were asking for, but I can't keep my big mouth shut. If anything, I hope that this is a compelling reason you can relay to your FH so that he understands that you are not being jealous, you are being sensical.

One last point: If he really is her friend, he would know that it is in her best interest for him to end their friendship as he must know that no matter what she says, their friendship causes her pain because she wants it to be more than it is and it never will be. Who wants their friend to be in pain?

Too long, I know.

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Posted by BlueTulip

I'm sorry, but I have to be honest here. I have no problem with men and women being friends. However, if such a friend has declared their true feelings are more than friends, then I think the friendship needs to end. It is inappropriate because someone in the friendship is longing for the relationship to be something more, probably hoping that your relationship with your FH breakdown. In my opinion, the only people I can be friends with are people who want the best for me and my FH as a couple. Someone who longs for one of us would not want the best for us as a couple and therefore could not be my friend.

It does not make them a bad person necessarily, it does make them an inappropriate friend.

I know this is not what you were asking for, but I can't keep my big mouth shut. If anything, I hope that this is a compelling reason you can relay to your FH so that he understands that you are not being jealous, you are being sensical.

One last point: If he really is her friend, he would know that it is in her best interest for him to end their friendship as he must know that no matter what she says, their friendship causes her pain because she wants it to be more than it is and it never will be. Who wants their friend to be in pain?

Too long, I know.

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Not too long and I appreciate your opinion. In my question when I said don't answer if they shouldn't be friends, I really meant don't answer if you think men and women shouldn't be friends. (which I will change now) But you are right, I think he's just thinking she has a little crush but not that she wants to break us up. you know?

Honestly, now that I read the posts, I think the situation with your FH and this 'friend' is different from different sex relationships I thought you were asking about.

The relationship is not based on true friendship. It's totally based on someone hoping that it does not work out between you and FH. Of course, she is willing to settle for whatever 'crumbs' she can get. It's better than nothing, right?

That's not friendship. That's sabbotage!!!!!

My original answer was based on real friendship when nobody has any hidden agenda.

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Posted by sr081906

Honestly, now that I read the posts, I think the situation with your FH and this 'friend' is different from different sex relationships I thought you were asking about.

The relationship is not based on true friendship. It's totally based on someone hoping that it does not work out between you and FH. Of course, she is willing to settle for whatever 'crumbs' she can get. It's better than nothing, right?

That's not friendship. That's sabbotage!!!!!

My original answer was based on real friendship when nobody has any hidden agenda.

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I agree. In general, I think it's healthy for people to have friends of the opposite gender before and during marriage.

But in this case, they met once and exchanged phone #s and email addresses? Your FH may be doing this totally innocently because he's really friendly, but it's possible that this girl took that as a sign that he's not totally satisfied with his relationship and that he is testing the water. And she's testing the water with her hints in return.

As long as you're not bothered by his healthy friendships with females, I don't think it's over the line to bring up the feelings you're having about this one.

It sounds like your FH would probably understand if you explained to him how you're feeling. I'm sure he wouldn't want to do anything that would cause you pain or discomfort or worry...you,, his best friend and partner for life!

Good luck!

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Posted by BlueTulip

I'm sorry, but I have to be honest here. I have no problem with men and women being friends. However, if such a friend has declared their true feelings are more than friends, then I think the friendship needs to end. It is inappropriate because someone in the friendship is longing for the relationship to be something more, probably hoping that your relationship with your FH breakdown. In my opinion, the only people I can be friends with are people who want the best for me and my FH as a couple. Someone who longs for one of us would not want the best for us as a couple and therefore could not be my friend.

It does not make them a bad person necessarily, it does make them an inappropriate friend.

I know this is not what you were asking for, but I can't keep my big mouth shut. If anything, I hope that this is a compelling reason you can relay to your FH so that he understands that you are not being jealous, you are being sensical.

One last point: If he really is her friend, he would know that it is in her best interest for him to end their friendship as he must know that no matter what she says, their friendship causes her pain because she wants it to be more than it is and it never will be. Who wants their friend to be in pain?

Too long, I know.

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Agreed. If a 'friend' is hoping for things to go bad in your relationship w/ your wife/husband, then that's not a friend

My FH has female friends, he works with other females, and he deals with other young female attorneys in court (he is an attorney himself, as am I). I think it's good that he talks to other women and is friendly with the women in his office. He actually shares a small office with a female co-worker and also shared an office with a different female co-worker before the current one moved in.

He had also went to dinner with a young female co-worker once which didn't bother me. I trust him, I don't mind him grabbing lunch with his female friends, or co-workers.

However, if this girl is attracted to him, and it's putting you in a position where you're stressed, then make it clear to him. It's understandable why you feel the way you feel. If it were my FH, I'd be angry at him for allowing her to believe that her interest in him is okay. Male and female friends are one thing, but a woman who is interested in him needs to be set straight. Unfortunately, he has to be the one to do it.

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Posted by ellebelle1

Ok, I tend to read into things. I'm really into psychology. But, I find myself wondering, what is your fiance getting out of becoming friends with this girl who is attracted to him? It's probably a self-esteem boost in all honesty. He might want to know if he still 'got it.' If it was my fiance, I would say to his face, 'why do you need more female friends when you have me!' I couldn't imagine becoming friends with a single guy, and my fiance ever being ok with that. How would your FH feel is you started e-mailing with some guy that thought you were pretty, or something? I'm sure he's not looking to start an affair, but he's being really immature about this. He's a grown man, getting married. He doesn't need new friends. He can join a basketball league or something. If you want to FM, feel free.

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I agree, if he wants to be friends with her then you should be friends with her also and it should never be that he hangs out with her alone.. that's just not cool, but that's just my opinion

I think that guys and girls can definitely be friends. My FH is a really nice guy and he gets along really well with women. Most of his friends are actually girls. I trust him, so to me it's no big deal. I also have guy friends and he's cool with that.

However, if he were spending a significant amount of time with someone I probably wouldn't care too much for that. I would hope, being that the two of us are getting married, that he would respect my feelings and step away from his friendship. I'm not saying that they couldn't be friends, but there's no need for them to be hanging out all the time.

I hope this helps and FM me if you need to talk.