NWR - MIL...ugh...

My future MIL is a bit overbearing and really knows how to lay on the guilt trips. She is also wonderfully generous and ultimately, just wants her family with her all the time. Unfortunately, this can be a very problemtatic combination at holidays and family functions.

Since FH and I starting sharing holidays, not one has gone by without some sort of drama. First, she had a meltdown when he wasn't going to be at her house to open gifts Christmas morning (he was with my family in NJ). Then the next year, she ruined our Thanksgiving by calling him to tell him how unhappy she was that he was at my family's house and not at hers. I should also mention here that we spend every Christmas Eve with them and spent our first Thanksgiving together at her house. Apparently, sharing and rotating is not sufficent for her.

She consistently invites my parents and sister's family to every holiday at her house just so she can get her son there. She seems put off every time I tell her it's not happening. Yes, this is a lovely gesture, but my sister has holidays with her three kids at her house in NJ and my parents go there. Why on earth would she want to pack up all her kids and go to my FIL's house? It just makes no sense.

We finally decided to rotate Thanksgiving (we'll see how it goes) and Christmas Eve is his and Christmas Day is mine (although we are still traveling back to LI from NJ on Christmas night to open gifts with them which I think is insane, but I usually let it go because I don't want to start a fight).

So, anyway, this year we decided to have a large dinner for my dad's birthday. My sister and I decided that it was just going to be close family and friends and my FH told me he was cool with not inviting his mom and dad. But as luck would have it - our dads have birthdays three days apart and we've found out that his mom is organizing a 65th b-day party for FH's dad the following weekend. And as usual - she's inviting my parents.

Do I have to invite them to my dad's thing now?

It's not that I mind them coming, but it's just strange because again - it's just close family and friends and it's not for me - it's for my dad. Also, they won't know anyone which means that they'll probably want to sit near us and I'm going to want to sit near my dad which means that he won't get to sit near his close friends and family because he'll be sitting with my in-laws!

Am I a terrible person?

If I were in your situation, I would invite them.
They are family now and she would probably really appreciate the invite. JMO

Honestly, your FMIL needs to grow up and realize that she can't have her little boy home with her for every holiday. Yes, it's a very nice gesture for her to invite your family for the holidays but I can definitely understand why your family would want to be home for the holidays and the switching back and forth should be totally acceptable, that's what most couples do. Hopefully, at some point, she'll get used to it and you won't hear about it anymore.

As for your dad's party, is your sister planning on inviting her ILs?? I really don't think it's necessary for you to invite your FILs just bc they're inviting your parents to FH's dad's party. Explain to them that you'd love to have them there but it's just going to be close friends and family for your dad (not you) so you don't think it would be appropriate to invite them.

Good luck!!

Thank you! And no, my sister's in laws are not coming.

I understand that our marriage means that we're all family now, but I think there should be some boundaries.

i guess just don't see it that way.

this isn't about them. this is about my dad and surprising him with close friends on his birthday. it's an intimate dinner party of about 15-20 people.

Honestly I wouldn't invite them (but I'm not known to be sensitive to my MIL's feelings)...

I assume that your FIL's party will be larger than 15-20 people and I totally think you can hide behind that this is a smaller event and you had to/wanted to keep it more intimate...

I think the important question here is whether or not your parents and the hosts of the party want them there. You're under no obligation to invite them, especially if those people wouldn't want them there. You don't have any obligation to invite them just b/c they invited your parents to their party. Your FILs should understand that.

Your FMIL does need to grow up and move on when it comes to the holidays, but your FH also needs to be the one to say something to her the next time she causes drama.

Good luck!