NWR: stay at home Mom

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Posted by AmandaLynn04

So, why is my opinion wrong? I don't get it.

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Your opinion is never wrong.

But I would never come out and say that being a SAHM is a lazy thing to do and it shows no ambition or career goals. Because I don't believe it, it isnt true, and its a stereotypical comment to make.

Saying that someone drives a 7 series and therefore isn't a good parent because they would rather work than take care of their kids is just as stereotypical and untrue.

There are exceptions to both. There are some SAHM's that would rather stay at home and do nothing all day and ignore their children. There are some parents who work all the time, leave their kids with a nanny and NEVER see them. Both are equally as bad.

So yes, you are totally entitled to your opinion, but can you see how what you say can come across as condescending? I just get upset thinking that someone would say I am a bad parent because I have to work to provide for my kids...

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Posted by AmandaLynn04

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Posted by SeaMaiden

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Posted by Espo22


I agree, its one thing if you leave your kids with somebody else all the time, even at nights so you can go out and on weekends but during the day to go to work is something different. Honestly either way you look at it theres pros and cons. I know ppl who loved that their mom stayed home, i also know someone who says she was always embarassed that her mom didn't work and when kids at school would talk about their moms careers they'd feel left out. You just have to do whats right for you.

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I was one of those children always embarrassed by my mother who didnt work, i dreaded having to say she was a 'homemaker' because she was frequently watching TV or something so i didnt understand why she couldnt work part time, especially consdering how poor we were......(that was the opinion of me when i was 9)

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See, I don't ever remember being embarrassed or anything that my mother stayed home. (Not that there is anything wrong with feeling that way, I just don't remember ever feeling that way) and, now when I look back on it -- I cherish the fact that my mother stayed home with us -- and she tells me that it was the best time of her life, and she wouldn't have given it up for anything. So, that's a part of the reason that I want to do so, and I feel so strongly about it.

My mother also tells me that we did without, because she stayed home with us. This, I don't remember. I don't remember being a kid and wanting things, and not having things, I just simply don't remember that being the case. I do, however, remember being home with her. So, that's what's important, to me.

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everyone is different though, i mean look at this thread we all have different views lol...but yeah she says this all the time. I also knew somebody else who was the same way, his situation was a bit different bc his dad ended up dying when he was a young teenager and since the mother always had stayed home with them she couldnt really go and work. So from a young age he had to be the one to help pay the rent along with his other siblings, pay all the other bills even things like groceries and stuff so he resents that and even still to this day still has to

i wouldnt mind doing what my Mom did - she worked part time jobs at night when we were growing up so that she could watch us during the day and when we got home from school.....my Dad was home from work and she was working while we were sleeping.....no wonder why she was so tired and cranky

also now that i think about it - its probably better to be at home when your TEENAGERS get home from school! i keep thinking about all the stuff we were doing at my friends houses after school when their parents werent home

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Posted by beachbum05

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Posted by AmandaLynn04

So, why is my opinion wrong? I don't get it.

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Your opinion is never wrong.

But I would never come out and say that being a SAHM is a lazy thing to do and it shows no ambition or career goals. Because I don't believe it, it isnt true, and its a stereotypical comment to make.

Saying that someone drives a 7 series and therefore isn't a good parent because they would rather work than take care of their kids is just as stereotypical and untrue.

There are exceptions to both. There are some SAHM's that would rather stay at home and do nothing all day and ignore their children. There are some parents who work all the time, leave their kids with a nanny and NEVER see them. Both are equally as bad.

So yes, you are totally entitled to your opinion, but can you see how what you say can come across as condescending? I just get upset thinking that someone would say I am a bad parent because I have to work to provide for my kids...

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I was specifically referring to the things I saw at the day care I worked for.

And, I think that if you can afford to stay home, and choose not to, for the specific reasons of wanting extraordinarily nice things, then that isn't right.

So, what I mean is, if you choose to work, and put your kid into day care 40+ hours a week, because if you didn't, you couldn't be in your 6 bedroom mansion, and drive a 80k car, then yes, I will question your parenting, even if you are the greatest parent on earth, the hour or so you spend with your children each day.

I do however, UNDERSTAND that some people just cannot pay a mortgage, and basic bills on 1 income, and they need 2. I understand it, but, it's something that I don't want to do, if that makes sense. I'm not knocking those people/families.

And, yes, if you choose to stay at home, and put your kid in front of the TV 12 hours a day, while you do, well, whatever, then that's also not spending the time with them either.


I think a lot of it is a matter of experience. If you experience something positive in your past, you want to continue that on to your future. If you experience something negative (i.e. the things I spoke about above, w/ the day care) then you want to ensure that those things don't happen in your future.

Seriously, there were times when a parent would drop off their child wearing sweats, and tell us that they were going shopping for the day. I'm all for a mommy only shopping day -- BUT, if you're dropping your child off for 10+ hours a day at day care, spend your day off with them.

Let me give you a specific example.

There was a little girl at the day care, she was 2 1/2. Her mom dropped her off every day at around 7am. The day care closed at 6, and they (the girls who worked until closing) were lucky if they were out by 6:10, because this one little girl was there late EVERY DAY.

When her mom dropped her off, she cried, EVERY DAY, and clung to her mom.

Several times, her mom dropped her off in sweats, saying she was going shopping.

Now, knowing all of this, I cannot imagine saying, 'Oh, my daughter just wants to be with me, and I have a day off, but, I'm going to go shopping instead.'

I think things like that are a big part of where my problem with it comes in.

Sorry so long.

CAN I just say that staying at home with the kid doesnt mean the parent is always an exceptional parent, and of course same with working parent...but i know someone whose mom stayed home bc well she didn't want to work, all of the kids are wild and had kids at a young age and out of SO many of them they all are out of control...again i can think of 2 other situations like that.

I dont know what im doing yet but it can never be said what is definite in either situation or to say what is best, this is completely on an individual basis.

This is a very personal decision. All my life I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I too worked in a day care center and saw parents who just had kids -- like famous people have dogs and that was very sad. But I also saw parents who were amazing parents and had to put their kids in day care to make ends meet. And some put their kids in day care to afford a little bit extra -- family vacation and nice birthday gift for their child. It didn't make them any less of a parent.

After my sister had my niece she got to stay home for 10 months and then had to go back to work and it killed her and my mother watches her on the days my BIL works if not he has her. I helped them out for a while and watched her every day for a few months and let me tell you it changed my entire prespective on why women go back to work. It wasn't easy and certain days I just wanted to have an adult conversation or be able to run a 10 min errand in 10 minutes not 45 (everything takes longer with a baby).

And no matter who watches/cares for you child they DO NOT RAISE YOUR CHILDREN....if someone else is raising your children then you are not being a good parent.

Sorry so long...

Oh in my ideal world -- I will work part time and preferably have a baby sitter on the days I am at work. MY FH works from home but can't fully care for our children and work at the same time.

I wish I could stay home, but I won't be able to. Financially, we will both need to work. With FH's hours, he will be able to be home a lot during the day, and I will be able to be home a lot at night.

Stinks, but it will be the way it is

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Posted by AmandaLynn04

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Posted by beachbum05

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Posted by AmandaLynn04

So, why is my opinion wrong? I don't get it.

---

Your opinion is never wrong.

But I would never come out and say that being a SAHM is a lazy thing to do and it shows no ambition or career goals. Because I don't believe it, it isnt true, and its a stereotypical comment to make.

Saying that someone drives a 7 series and therefore isn't a good parent because they would rather work than take care of their kids is just as stereotypical and untrue.

There are exceptions to both. There are some SAHM's that would rather stay at home and do nothing all day and ignore their children. There are some parents who work all the time, leave their kids with a nanny and NEVER see them. Both are equally as bad.

So yes, you are totally entitled to your opinion, but can you see how what you say can come across as condescending? I just get upset thinking that someone would say I am a bad parent because I have to work to provide for my kids...

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I was specifically referring to the things I saw at the day care I worked for.

And, I think that if you can afford to stay home, and choose not to, for the specific reasons of wanting extraordinarily nice things, then that isn't right.

So, what I mean is, if you choose to work, and put your kid into day care 40+ hours a week, because if you didn't, you couldn't be in your 6 bedroom mansion, and drive a 80k car, then yes, I will question your parenting, even if you are the greatest parent on earth, the hour or so you spend with your children each day.

I do however, UNDERSTAND that some people just cannot pay a mortgage, and basic bills on 1 income, and they need 2. I understand it, but, it's something that I don't want to do, if that makes sense. I'm not knocking those people/families.

And, yes, if you choose to stay at home, and put your kid in front of the TV 12 hours a day, while you do, well, whatever, then that's also not spending the time with them either.


I think a lot of it is a matter of experience. If you experience something positive in your past, you want to continue that on to your future. If you experience something negative (i.e. the things I spoke about above, w/ the day care) then you want to ensure that those things don't happen in your future.

Seriously, there were times when a parent would drop off their child wearing sweats, and tell us that they were going shopping for the day. I'm all for a mommy only shopping day -- BUT, if you're dropping your child off for 10+ hours a day at day care, spend your day off with them.

Let me give you a specific example.

There was a little girl at the day care, she was 2 1/2. Her mom dropped her off every day at around 7am. The day care closed at 6, and they (the girls who worked until closing) were lucky if they were out by 6:10, because this one little girl was there late EVERY DAY.

When her mom dropped her off, she cried, EVERY DAY, and clung to her mom.

Several times, her mom dropped her off in sweats, saying she was going shopping.

Now, knowing all of this, I cannot imagine saying, 'Oh, my daughter just wants to be with me, and I have a day off, but, I'm going to go shopping instead.'

I think things like that are a big part of where my problem with it comes in.

Sorry so long.

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all working moms are not like that, infact most working moms i know are nothing like that. Not one of them dropped their kids off for a day of shopping or anything close to that. Personally even if i work i wont put my kids in daycare. But point is alot of them HAVE to work, there isnt enough income coming from just 1 parent, not every working mom is driving a luxury car and has a mansion. I know mothers who would love to stay at home but its just not possible. they want to send their kids to good private or catholic schools which cost alot of money now, then also just paying the mortgage and bills. And its not just about whether or not they drive a nice car or a less expensive car, thats not even a concern its making the payments for necessary things. What if the husband makes like between $30,000-40,000 a year and they have 3 kids, that is gonna be tough to take care of all 3 on that alone

But I didn't say that all working moms are like that.

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Posted by AmandaLynn04

But I didn't say that all working moms are like that.

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i know but you gave examples of those type of mothers and said its things like that which make you have a problem with working while having kids...There are mothers like that i wont deny it, my moms clients dont work but will have 2-3 nannies, dont let them give you a bad image of working mothers-they'll be the ones who suffer when their kids get older.

I used to always say that I wanted to work and not be a SAHM..... but there is nothing i want more now than to stay at home and be my my child and do the whole wifey/mother thing.... i want to be able to cook a nice meal and have it ready for my FH when he comes home from work...

If I can be a SAHM then that would be great... thankfully I have a MIL and a Mother who are both home and if I do have to go to work, i know my child will be in good hands.

My opinion:

NO ONE has the right to tell you if your a horrible mother if you drop off your kids at a daycare center in order to work and support your family if both parents have to work. There are MANY stay at home mothers that have no right to be mothers out there. Some stay at home parents are self centered, bon bon eating, gossip drones that are miserable in life and it is reflected onto their children.

Now in a perfect world if your husband or even you make enough to support a stay at home parent then I completely agree you should stay at home and raise your own children. No one should dump their kid off to daycare or a 'grandparent' if it is not needed.

I have seen both lifestyles and both sides have its pro's and con's. I think we can all agree everyone should raise their own children but is it more improtant to have a roof over your head and food on the table and have to put your kid in a program for a few hours up to eight hours a day in order to do so. I do agree if your a mother who gets prego and spits out ten kids and ships them off to daycare or nannies then you are a jerk and deserve to have your reproductive organs ripped out of you.

In my situation - we are holding off in having kids as long as we can so there is a possibility one of us can stay home. In our financial situation and living on long island it most likely will not be the case. We have friends that are on WIC and financial help through state and gov't in order they can stay at home and honestly that is not for me.

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Posted by AmandaLynn04

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Posted by Future Mulligan

I feel like, why have a baby if someone else has to take care of it ??

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This is exactly how I feel. I'm glad I'm not alone.

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i couldn't agree more! and bottom line..family comes before your job! always!!

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Posted by ant n tilde

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by Future Mulligan

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Posted by beachbum05

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Posted by AmandaLynn04

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Posted by Future Mulligan

I feel like, why have a baby if someone else has to take care of it ??

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This is exactly how I feel. I'm glad I'm not alone.

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Because its financially impossible to adequately care for the child?

I mean, I just think this is such a personal decision. People have different financial situations and people have different reasoning for not being a SAHM. While I am not one of these people, many friends of mine had both parents working and they turned out to be perfectly well adjusted people.

So I don't really think its fair to say that if you aren't home with your children that you shouldn't have them at all. Sometimes it's just not possible.

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I didnt mean that in a bad way.....Just for me, I wouldnt want to have a child IF I couldn't raise them....I don't see a point in having my Mom raise my child - she already did her job - she raised me - I don't think its fair to her to have to start all over again with a new baby when her kids are finally grown up! That is why I am marrying a man with the same view as me AND that is why we are moving somewhere that we can afford that lifestyle. For other people they don't mind putting their kids in daycare, or getting a nanny or family member to watch their children - but I rather not do that.

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my mom stayed home with me until i was about 3 or 4, i remember some of it lol but not much...she then started to work probably a year before i started school, what i remember is the times i spent with her when she got home such as eating dinner together and spending time with her, i barely remember what i did in the daytime with my grandparents. I then started school so basically at this point it didnt matter since i was at school in the daytime...Personally i always had so much respect for my mother for going out and working, glad she also did stay with me until a certain age

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yeah i always say that - my mom worked and came home at around 5 and i totally DONT remember her being a 'working mom' she was there for dinner and bath time and in the day i was just hanging out with my grandma. . . never seemed like i was 'waiting around' for her to come home all day

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When I grew up I stayed with my grandmother while my mother worked. Once she had my sisters, she was able to become a SAHM and I have to admitt it suxs b/c she is closer with my sisters than she is with me.... Don't get me wrong I love my mother and all.... but we are not as close as i wish we were.... i guess deep down inside i do have some resentment that she wasnt there all the time for me like she was for my sisters.....

I guess this is why i want to try my best to be a SAHM.....

I have some what of a mixed reaction towards all of this. First I always said family comes before anything...even work.

And I think that for several reasons:
1. Seeing all the military families FH knows is crazy. I completely understand there are some families who are wonderful ahve a great connection with each other and love eachother. But I remember one guy who worked with FH saying he didnt care if his kids went to school for the whole week because he was too worried about something in the armory. WELL first off- I always feel I dont give a Sh*t if you are in the Marines you decided to have a family you will be there for them. I always tell FH if he re-inlists that we are a family know and he can't make his work always come before us!

2. My dad althougth loving caring and the best dad ever he worked ALOT and still does. There are 6 kids in the family so I nkow he wont be retiring anytime soon haha. But when I was younger he was home a decent amount. But I am the 2nd child. So after the next 2 came he was working more. He has a wonderful job and we have a wonderful life. I never starved for anything. I mean I dont have everything. But if I needed new shoes for dance class I could get them. Did I get my first new car from my parents- No. But do I care- NO. Anyway I am saying I kinda wish my dad was around more when we were younger. And now I know he wasnt because my mom didnt go back to work for awhile after having the first 5. She went back to work right after my 16 yr old brother was born. She is a nurse. So now she works but I hvae a 9 year old brother so she stopped for 2 yrs when she was pregnant and right after he turned 1 she went back.

Now I see if my mom worked my dad would have been home more and I would have probably a better relationship with him. But I am sooo incredibily lucky that I had my mom home with me.

Anyway....I know I want to work. I didn't take out loans upon loans to pay for a BA and a MSED that I will never use. And that may sound selfish but it's not like I am saying that I am going to have a kid right away and then say hey i cant take care of you because I spend $$ on college. NO. I am going to start my career. Then when financially ready have our children. I want about 2-3 so I would stay home atleast until my first one is in kindergarten. THEN go back to work. Hopefully I will be done wiht my children by that time. I want to have them close together!

But I want to raise my children. But I want to work to be able to support them and not make htem need for anything. And although we would probably be able to live off of FH's salary if he gets the job he wants when getting out of the Marine Corps. I want to have adult interaction myself- Even my mom was tired of staying home haha

i just feel bad for FH - b/c i'd get to be the one to stay home while he is out working.....thats the only thing that i don't like about it......i wish we both could stay home! LMAO!

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Posted by Future Mulligan

i just feel bad for FH - b/c i'd get to be the one to stay home while he is out working.....thats the only thing that i don't like about it......i wish we both could stay home! LMAO!

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yeah i understand that....well if i make enough $$ i'll support you two as well

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Posted by Future Mulligan

i just feel bad for FH - b/c i'd get to be the one to stay home while he is out working.....thats the only thing that i don't like about it......i wish we both could stay home! LMAO!

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THATS why i said i wish we come into ALOT of money this way we both can stay home

this all depends on your FH...Some men don't like their wife working and prefer it, others like for their wife to work, not that they say oh you better work lol but they just personally like it. My fh is the type that honestly would get jealous lol, but i would get jealous if it were the other way around hahahaha...he called me before at 1:29pm to tell me he picked up the things i asked him to get, i asked what time he was getting home and he was like Oh i just got home-i joke around and say 'oh must be nice' lol i wish i were home right now lol, i dont get mad of course but im just like great i have 3 more hours of work plus an hour commute.