OH GOD!

There is nothing wrong with a woman or a man not wanting children. I didnt think i wanted children for a long time but after couple years of being with my FH I realized how much i would want to share that experience with him one day, but not anytime soon, lol. Even if you decide that you never want kids, you are not crazy at all. Many couples are making this decision especially nowadays.

The only very crucial responsibility you and FH have with this subject is to make sure he is ok with that just the same as you. Its hard to know what feelings may come 5 or 10 years from now so the both of you must have the same understanding so that your marriage never suffers

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Posted by Snowflake08

do you mind me asking how old you are??

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I'm 25- so is he-- I see those people who can talk about nothing but their children and havent gone on a vacation without the kids for years & I just dont want to be one of them! When we were at the adults only pool on our cruise a few months back-- we met a couple that was very friendly- they were telling us how their daughter was in the kids club and she was having so much fun that she didnt want to come out-- they were TOTALLY lost without her! They were wandering around like Zombies not knowing what to do! They had reservations at the adults only restaurant (which are very hard to come by & you can only make 1 reservation) and they cancelled the reservation because the only time their daughter would come out of the club was at dinner & they wanted to eat dinner with her. The strange part-- they were married for 10 years BEFORE they had her!! What the heck did they do before her for 10 years!! I just remember thinking.... I NEVER WANT TO BE THOSE PEOPLE!

i think that your feelings will change..once your married.

I was the same way, i could've cared less for kids and now that i'm married... i'm patiently waiting until we can start a family.. I'm actually looking forward to having a baby.

I agree with what everyone is saying. if you don't want kids that’s fine. Not everyone wants kids.

the thing that concerns me is your reasoning. Your reasoning is because you want FH to be #1 is your life and visa versa...

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but one of my MAJOR reasons that I dont want kids is that i love that I am #1 for him and he for me. I just dont want there to be anything that he will love more than me-- I know that sounds CRAZY- but I just dont want to share FH- I love him too much! I know that I will always be his top priority--

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it just doesn’t sound healthy. we all love our FH's but I know that at some points in time other things are going to take precedence over me... work, school, parents, its life it doesn’t mean they love us any less or that we are any less important to them. As a person who wants to have kids, i dont think that our love for each other will be anyless, just because we have a child. I look foward to being able to love a child and to look at FH and say.. 'that is OURS, WE created that' I think that will make our love stronger.

My FH didn't want children when we first started dating, but since his 30th birthday he has been saying more and more that he feels like his life might not be complete without children. You still have PLENTY of time to make those decisions and if you decide that you don't want children, then at least you made that decision before you had children and then resented them.

Either way, I am sure you and FH will be very happy

You are NOT selfish. You ARE self aware.

A lot of people 'want' kids - and I mean no disrespect to anyone - but a lot of the people who want children want them in the same way a 5 year old wants a puppy. Something cute and something to love and something to name... they don't really fully get the depth of responsibility that comes with having a child. I have known people who think that they know what it is all about because they lived with younger brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews... whatever. My SIL used to tell everyone that she was totally ready for motherhood because she practically raised her brothers. Well 2 children later and she is the first to admit that PRACTICALLY and ACTUALLY raising children are completely different things.

I am really impressed that you seem to actually have taken the time to think about the impact that bringing a baby into the world will have on your life and your relationship.

I have a couple of friends who do not want children and will not have children. My aunt never had children. She wasn't a crazy baby hater or anything - she just chose to devote her life to other things. She was constantly pestered about her 'unnatural' decision - but she was able to come to terms with it and really didn't care what anyone else thought. She loved her life completely and never once regretted not having a child of her own.

You may change your mind someday - many people have! My FH used to call kids 'Money Sucking Screamboxes'. That's a direct quote. Then I got pregnant - and now he couldn't imagine his life without our sons.

It has changed our relationship. We are tired more often. A good portion of our conversations revolve around our kids. We aren't even taking a honeymoon because it really is a lot of work to go anywhere when you have children. Sex is much more low key and yeah.. we are FAR more likely to show you pictures of the kids than of each other!

BUT... as much as it has changed us as a COUPLE - being parents has also changed who we are as individuals. We are more grounded, more stable. We have more patience and we are less self centered. We don't go out on Friday nights very often anymore - but we aren't really interested in going out anyway. We can't jet off for a spur of the moment trip to Mexico - but it's moot because we prefer to drive to Sesame Place. We still love each other very much. I don't think we love each other MORE - but we certainly have learned a lot more about each other and I admire him more now that I have witnessed him as a father in action! We share responsibility on a deeper level than a mortgage or a marriage license. The words 'together forever' are no longer a romantic ideal - but an actual contract forged by the breathes of our offspring.

WHEW

NOW - as to your situation. I STRONGLY believe that having or not having children is a REALLY personal decision. If you truly do not want children, then I would implore you NOT to have them in order to please your FH, Mom, Grandmother, Uncle or anyone. BUT... you need to have a serious discussion with FH. This is a decision that effects both of you. You need to sit him down and tell him EXACTLY how you feel. You need to let him know that you don't want kids and that you may NEVER want them - and you need to ask him straight up if he will be able to be okay with that decision should it last a lifetime. Because if he isn't okay with it - but he abides by it anyway - you may wind up with a very bitter and resentful husband oneday. This is one of those things that you have to be really together on in order for a lifetime to work.

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Posted by jgl

I agree with what everyone is saying. if you don't want kids that’s fine. Not everyone wants kids.

the thing that concerns me is your reasoning. Your reasoning is because you want FH to be #1 is your life and visa versa...

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but one of my MAJOR reasons that I dont want kids is that i love that I am #1 for him and he for me. I just dont want there to be anything that he will love more than me-- I know that sounds CRAZY- but I just dont want to share FH- I love him too much! I know that I will always be his top priority--

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it just doesn’t sound healthy. we all love our FH's but I know that at some points in time other things are going to take precedence over me... work, school, parents, its life it doesn’t mean they love us any less or that we are any less important to them. As a person who wants to have kids, i dont think that our love for each other will be anyless, just because we have a child. I look foward to being able to love a child and to look at FH and say.. 'that is OURS, WE created that' I think that will make our love stronger.

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i agree ... its fine you dont want kids many people choose not to have kids but the reason why you dont want kids does not sound healthy at all.

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Posted by failurebydsign

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Posted by Snowflake08

there is nothing wrong with not wanting children - there IS something wrong with not wanting them and having them

i give people a lot of credit that can admit and know that something just isnt for them

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i agree..people now a days have kids as accessories..like a purse or soemthing like that..

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I agree. I've seen SO many kids that were born to parents that don't really want them or had them b/c that's what you're 'supposed to' do. Having children is a personal decision and only you and your FH can make. As long as you're both comfortable with the decision, who cares what everyone else says?

I just happened to be reading this post over my FW's shoulder and registered for the sole purpose of replying to this thread.

If you two feel differently about having children, DO NOT get married. I'm not going to start a cross country trip with somebody who wants to go to a different destination than I do, so why get married to somebody who wants kids if you don't? That's a HUGE issue.

But the strange thing about your post is your reasoning. You don't want to have kids because it will take away from you as the focus of your husband's love/attention? Yikes.

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Posted by Mrs.D08

You also have to understand that the love for your child, and the love for your wife is not the same type of love (in most people's case).

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exactly, it is a VERY different kind of love and a very different relationship and one should NEVER be jealous of their own child

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Posted by blu6385

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Posted by jgl

I agree with what everyone is saying. if you don't want kids that’s fine. Not everyone wants kids.

the thing that concerns me is your reasoning. Your reasoning is because you want FH to be #1 is your life and visa versa...

---

but one of my MAJOR reasons that I dont want kids is that i love that I am #1 for him and he for me. I just dont want there to be anything that he will love more than me-- I know that sounds CRAZY- but I just dont want to share FH- I love him too much! I know that I will always be his top priority--

---

it just doesn’t sound healthy. we all love our FH's but I know that at some points in time other things are going to take precedence over me... work, school, parents, its life it doesn’t mean they love us any less or that we are any less important to them. As a person who wants to have kids, i dont think that our love for each other will be anyless, just because we have a child. I look foward to being able to love a child and to look at FH and say.. 'that is OURS, WE created that' I think that will make our love stronger.

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i agree ... its fine you dont want kids many people choose not to have kids but the reason why you dont want kids does not sound healthy at all.

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i agree, it does NOT sound like a healthy reason

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Posted by WTFhusband

I just happened to be reading this post over my FW's shoulder and registered for the sole purpose of replying to this thread.

If you two feel differently about having children, DO NOT get married. I'm not going to start a cross country trip with somebody who wants to go to a different destination than I do, so why get married to somebody who wants kids if you don't? That's a HUGE issue.

But the strange thing about your post is your reasoning. You don't want to have kids because it will take away from you as the focus of your husband's love/attention? Yikes.

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I do think that you both need to come to a decision NOW and have to make sure YOU ARE BOTH OKAY with that decision. Having kids/not having kids in a marriage is a big issue, if you can't come to a decision you are both going to be happy with, you probably shouldnt get married, because later on someone is going to regret their decision and it wilo most likely end in divorce (I believe that .... over 50% of marriages end in divorce )

Plus your reasoning, I really think you need to address that!

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Posted by Snowflake08

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Posted by Mrs.D08

You also have to understand that the love for your child, and the love for your wife is not the same type of love (in most people's case).

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exactly, it is a VERY different kind of love and a very different relationship and one should NEVER be jealous of their own child

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If you don't want children, that's fine - it is your choice and there is nothing wrong with that. But, as the ladies stated above, love for a child and love for a spouse are two totally different types of love.

IMO, I would make sure you and your FH come to a decision before the wedding about having children because it might cause problems down the road.