So I have this bridesmaid (an old college roommate) who lives in California (originally from NJ), so it's usually really difficult for us to talk on the phone b/c of the time difference. We email back and forth a lot, but I want to actually talk with her. So we said that we were going to speak on the phone yesterday. Well she called me, and I happened to have company, so I told her I'd call her back. Ok, fine.
So, I call her back and I *think* she meant to put me through to voicemail, but she didn't. She picked up the phone and I heard her talking to whoever she was with. Now here's the kicker: She was talking about me, and the bridesmaid dress. I heard her saying to him 'oh it's my friend Laura, I'm in her wedding, she wants to talk about the dresses. They're nice (with kind of a weird tone), they're strapless, long, and.....she's italian, so she wants to put the crystal brooch on the side of it........'
So then he says: 'Oh, so it's pretty cheesy looking huh?'
And then she says: 'Well yea, but when you accept to be a bridesmaid, you kind of just do what you have to.'
And all this time, I'm screaming her name through the phone to get her to realize that I can hear this!!!!!!!!
So now I'm really bothered by this because: (1) W T F does me being italian have to do with anything, and (2) I wish she would've just told me how she felt.
Now I feel like I need to say something. FH doesn't think I should, but I feel like I need to or else it's going to continue to fester. But he feels that I'm risking the possibility of getting into a huge fight with her. My mom says I need to talk to her about it.
I called her back and just left a message (because this time it went to VM) saying 'Hey, it's me....I'm not sure what happened, if you accidentally hung up, or if we got disconnected, or if you meant to put me through to VM, but give me a call....'
So do I say something??? Let her know that what I heard (even though I wasn't really supposed to) is bothering me? Or do I just let it go?
Soon2bShea
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
I would definitely say something! I personally have a hard time letting things go until I tell someone whats bothering me.
Now I need to go re-think my BM dress choice because I am Italian too, and I don't think my dress is 'Italian' enough
stinenandy2010
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
Posted by Lsorrent
Posted by stinenandy2010
I would say something...friends should be honest with one another.
And with the whole 'italian' comment....now I don't see this in your dress at all...honestly your dress is so classy and simple and the brooch gives it a little pop. I understand her italian comment in general, but it doesn't pertain to your dress in any way...or your wedding for that matter.
Thanks Christine. This is what's been going through my head. And it is because that dress is so simple and my dress has SO much detail, that I wanted them to have a little something on their dress. That's why I decided to go with the brooch in the first place.
if i was a bm with that dress i would be happy b/c 1) its black and i can totally wear it again and 2) its a really nice dress!
Maria5117
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
Honestly, I would just let it go. I've been a BM in at least 10 weddings and every time i'v either hated the dress or the color or the way I had to wear my hair or the earrings or the flowers, etc etc etc. i don't think it's uncommon for a BM to feel this way or to talk to someone else about it. It's just unfortunate that you had to hear it. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand how you feel because it's your wedding and your choices she's talking about. BUT from the persepctive of a professional bridemaid as long as she wears it and smiles while she wears it, she doesn't have to like it! JMO
jcreilly
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
Posted by mosh424
I would say something!
And that italian comment got me mad! The brooch has nothing to do with being Italian is she kidding me? It is called classy
I agree it it is classy ,
I would call her, speak with her let her know you heard her!
Becca2010
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
At first, I thought maybe you should let it go because it was never meant for your ears, but then I put myself in your shoes and I started to get pretty mad about the Italian comment and her passive aggressive-ness about the dress.
I think the appropriate thing for you to do, IMO, is tell her what you heard, but not in an angry tone. Bring it up gently because she's going to be horribly embarrassed about that. At Least she better be! She'll hopefully apologize like crazy and then you'll feel better because you got it out in the open. Good Luck!!
latinaj
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
oh boy.. well i see why you're upset, bc we are all working so hard to make this wedding perfect for us and its so hard to please everyone involved..but at the end of the day its your wedding, you pick what you like, what you love and noone's opinions matter! i love your dress! its gorgeous... and ummm she's from jersey???? i'm from jersey...and i know that all of jersey in general is gaudy...lol
anyway i would call her out ... in a nice, funny way (like the girls mentioned) she will def feel stupid and embarrassed. and she should def apologize!
dont feel bad though...i was a bm once and wasnt too thrilled w/the color combo..of course i didnt tell the bride..i just went along w/her wishes hoping that everything will run smoothly : )
CappyGirl
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
Posted by Maria5117
Honestly, I would just let it go. I've been a BM in at least 10 weddings and every time i'v either hated the dress or the color or the way I had to wear my hair or the earrings or the flowers, etc etc etc. i don't think it's uncommon for a BM to feel this way or to talk to someone else about it. It's just unfortunate that you had to hear it. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand how you feel because it's your wedding and your choices she's talking about. BUT from the persepctive of a professional bridemaid as long as she wears it and smiles while she wears it, she doesn't have to like it! JMO
I kind of agree with this. I'm not a confrontational person and I would probably just let it go. It would bother me, but she could have said a lot worse - I think it was probably very innocent on her part. The part that bothers me more is the 'Italian' part. Seems that her understanding of being Italian is very superficial and based on stereotypes. And knowing you personally, I don't think you fall into that category. The dress is understated and elegant and some people just like to complain for the sake of complaining. Let us know what happens.
AdriandSteve
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
I agree, if your close enough to have her as a BM then i'd bring it up.
I'd say something like. 'umm.. soo.... how about that bm dress? I think you meant to put me through to vm the other day but you didn't and I heard the entire convo about the bm dresses. There isn't much to do about it now since they're ordered, but I wish you would have said something sooner if you didn't like it.'
Golden
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
I would definitely say something. Just tell her you heard her conversation, because she pushed answer as opposed to decline and that you were a little offended about her 'Italian' comment but you want her to know she can come talk to you about anything and everything, wedding related or not that she doesn't like because that's what friends are supposed to do.
DWKSwed
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
I wouldn't say a word. She is coming all the way from California to be a bridesmaid, probably making more than one trip out, paying for a dress she apparently doesn't love... I wouldn't want to make it awkward by bringing up the dress thing. She was considerate enough of your feelings to wear the dress you like without making it about her and complaining... she probably didn't love either dress. The Italian thing.. maybe she just associates that kind of thing with a style Italian girls would like, she clearly doesn't know what she's talking about but it doesnt sound like it was malicious. Honestly I have been a bridesmaid and had to wear a dress I hated and paid a lot of money toward the wedding and if the bride got in an argument with me about me not saying I hated the dress, I would have just been pissed off about the whole thing. I would avoid a confrontation. it's going to make her feel horrible.
JAAMS
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
oh I would ABSOLUTELY say something!
Iluvpoodles
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
I would def say something. If she don't call you back, I would email her and say something in a joking kind of way. As far as the Italian comment, I would let it go. But that's just me bc nationality comments wouldn't offcend me and I don't think she meant it in a mean way. The dresses are very pretty and both brouches I like so I'm not sure what her problem is.
Lsorrent
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
Ok just to clarify a few things....
1. Christine, the dress isn't actually going to be black, that's just the sample. It's dark red.
2. Maria, I get not always loving BM dresses. And that's fine with me. But she told me she loved it. Not to mention, that she was acting so excited about it when I sent her the pictures. She told me that she's so excited because she's never been a BM before. I want honesty from my girls. I don't want them to lie to me just to make me happy. That's not what I consider a real friend.
My biggest issue right now is this 'she's italian' comments and then the 'so it's kind of cheesy....well yea' comment. First of all, she's freaking italian too! So W T F is that supposed to mean? And YES, I'm having a big freaking italian wedding, but I'd like to think that it's not the gaudy, tacky stereotype that people associate with 'italian weddings.' It basically made me feel like 'well she's italian, so it's going to be tacky.' That's how I felt when I heard it. I'm trying my hardest to keep to a classy, romantic, traditional feel. And I BOUGHT the freaking brooches! I didn't ask them to buy them.
But I think what is also getting to me, is if she's saying this, what else isn't she telling me?????
Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion and reading way too much into it. She has a rather 'plain' wardrobe, meaning she's not really a very flashy person. So I guess it's just not for her.
But I am going to let her know I heard what was said.....I'm not going to be mean about it, but she needs to know that I know. If I don't, it'll just get worse.
Thank you girls.
StellaStar13
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
Wow, ok yeah that is a tough one...I def agree w/what a lot of the ladies are saying....I would talk to her about it BUT I would decide before hand if you are talking to her b/c you are pissed or b/c you just want to get it off your chest. Also, if you are still thinking about her comment about you being Italian ......well, from one Italian girl to another...thats just a stereo type, thanks to Godfather & Sopranos, that will prob never go away. I've had that said to me once or twice but I always respond that Milan in ITALY is the fashion capital of the WORLD & that usually shuts ppl up
It sounds like this is something, once you decide exactly how you want to handle it, can def be worked out.
Good Luck!!!
JayBee216
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
I would TOTALLY say something along the lines of 'you definitely did not realize this, but you answered your phone instead of sending to voicemail and I heard what you said about me and the bridesmaid dresses. I didn't realize you felt that way, and I had given you the choice of dresses so I was definitely surprised to hear your true feelings!'
I also think if you do this via email it's totally ok, especially if you're not comfortable with confrontation. This way you can say your piece without getting interrupted or flustered.
I'm sorry this happened to you! It's so hard w/ bridesmaids - it seems like everyone is having issues with them!!
AngnShaun
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
Sorry Laura, that really scuks that you had to hear that... obviously it wasnt meant for you to hear but regardless you did... unless you plan to change something regarding the dress I wouldnt bring it up to her!!!
soontobecruz
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
YES! Say something!! You are right this will fester it will get worse.
I agree with the other posters if you asked her to be a BM then you should be close enough to call her out on this.
I can understand her not loving the dress. Everyone has different taste, but your right... Italian, W t f does that mean? And why didn't she just tell you.
Def talk to her about it!
little j
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
i dont think she meant harm in it. plus you arent sure who she was with. unfortunately, sometimes ppl talk just to talk, if ya know what i mean
she accepted being your BM. she is getting the dress. and she will be standing there with you, probably with a big smile on.
dont worry. i dont think its worth causing drama over a dress!
everyone has different tastes, but the most important thing is she will be there with you.
but if its going to bother you, you should still mention it...maybe like kayla said about saying it in a joke 'like good job there..you know i heard everything...so italians like brooches? lol.' and just laugh it off.
gl
Lsorrent
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
Thanks again girls. I am going to have to say something, if for no other reason than to get it off my chest. I will be nice about it, but she NEEDS to know that I know.
No I don't know who she was talking to, it was some guy. And my mom mentioned, maybe she was just going along with what he was saying Who knows.
sugarnspice
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Re: Ok girls, need your advice (kinda long)
tough one but here my thoughts.... HONESTLY
IF it really bothers you, then say something, but only to get it off yoru chest. Tell her you happen to hear what she said and your sorry she thinks the dress/wedding is cheesy, but you wish you two were close enough she could come to you.
BUT BEWARE. we have ALL said somethings that we didnt really mean. sometimes its easier to agree, or crack a joke then explain to someone the facts.
I think there is a huge difference between liking a dress and liking a bridesmaids dress. 99.9% of the time, you cant wear a BM dress again, or wont, so when you say you like it, its because you like it for that night. It fits the wedding and you wont look horrible in it.
Maybe it seems as if im taking her side but im a very sarcastic comical person and i joke around ALL the time. there are many times on this board where Joanna or Barb or Haroula joke about their big greek weddings, but other girls do too. But its all in a loving manner. The same was most likely done with the she is italian thing.
again you heard her, and got upset so i am all for you talking to her, but i cant anticipate a heartfelt apology cuz i really dont think anything malicious was meant.
hope i made sense and didnt come across as mean, i feel for you, but just wanted to explain my thought.
