OK I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!!!

I am having a bridal dinner for my 11 girls. Original date was sunday- yes the one with the storm so I had to r/s it doing it feb 4th a friday night. well here is the drama 1 of the girls is complaining b/c she wont take off of work that night and why wont I have it on a sat or sun. I come from a big family in feb and mar especially march since easter is in there my sat and sundays are booked up with birthday parties galore I have 3 nephews all turning 1 and surprise 30th etc. and my mom wants me to keep my sundays open for the shower- anyhow she is complaining b/c she thinks i should do it on a sat or sun when SHES avail!!!!! 2 of the girls are in florida so they wont be here either. I dont understand Im doing this for them and explained too in a newsletter how its important to be here b/c I am giving them something( their day of jewelry and pocketbooks I filled with a mirror tissues lipstick and mints) so my uncle gets on the phone my BM is his fiance and says to me why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid and then youre doing bridesmaid things and she cant be there and we are willing to drive there- they now live in PA so I should do it on a sat or sun and Im not looking hard enough to schedule it that way. I called my mom so upset about the things he said and how he made me feel like I had to defend my decision to do it on a friday night. 2 of my girls have to bring their kids b/c they cant get babysitters- the others jr have a basketball game out east and going to come after- he thinks no one else is going out of their way to come!!!! my mom thinks they may pull out of the BP- frankly I hope they do- she is the only one that complained about the dress the price and now this- ughhhhhhhh

should I be pissed at them for this? and how is it not awkward now after what he said? anyone have any advice? how would you handle this?

Let me begin by saying that I'm rather confused by your post. I'll comment on what I think I understood.

As far as your BM not willing to take Friday off from work: I have to side with her. I was in a wedding a few years back. At the time, I was an undergrad student (wow, it REALLY was a long time ago) and my only job was bartending. I worked Saturday nights and that was my income. My friend (the bride) had her shower on a Saturday (obviously not her decision). It was a late afternoon start and was a 3 hour drive for me. I took the night off from work and went to the shower. That was it, I had no income that week. Then, her rehearsal dinner came along. The RD was scheduled for a Saturday night (we weren't actually rehearsing). Again, I took the night off...no income again. Finally her bachelorette party was scheduled. Again, it was a Saturday night. I didn't go.

I don't know what your friend does for a living, but if it's anything where you're not paid when you don't work, you need to be understanding. Aside from the loss of income, bosses are not always understanding. Had I asked for another Saturday off, I surely wold've been fired.

I think we often lose sight of the fact that while our weddings are incredibly important to us, other people have lives of their own. It's not always feasible to just take a night off. I know that my friend was annoyed that I didn't go to her bachelorette party, but no one was going to put money in my pocket. Participating in a bridal party brings with it heavy costs. At the time, I was not only shelling out a lot of money to be in the BP, but I was losing about $500 every time I took a night off.

While I understand that you feel it's important for them to attend your dinner, it seems as though they have things that are taking precedence. If people are unable to attend, you can surely give them their gifts at a later date.

It's unfortunate that the snowstorm arrived when it did; however, just as you have things scheduled for the next 2 months, it seems that your BP does, too.

I understand your uncle's point (though it sounds like he wasn't terribly diplomatic while making it). One of my BMs lives in Connecticut and my MOH lives in D.C. I don't expect them to attend functions other than the wedding itself. I'd love it if they're able to come, but I certainly don't expect it. It sounds as though your uncle & his fiancee are willing to come, but the fact that it's on a Friday evening makes it difficult. Surely, you can understand that such a lengthy drive is more convenient on a Saturday or Sunday.

I think it's wonderful that some of your BMs are going out of their way to attend, but to expect everyone should do so is unfair, in my opinion.

Relax and enjoy your night. Whoever is able to attend will be there and you should enjoy the time you spend together :)

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Posted by NYtherapist

Let me begin by saying that I'm rather confused by your post. I'll comment on what I think I understood.

As far as your BM not willing to take Friday off from work: I have to side with her. I was in a wedding a few years back. At the time, I was an undergrad student (wow, it REALLY was a long time ago) and my only job was bartending. I worked Saturday nights and that was my income. My friend (the bride) had her shower on a Saturday (obviously not her decision). It was a late afternoon start and was a 3 hour drive for me. I took the night off from work and went to the shower. That was it, I had no income that week. Then, her rehearsal dinner came along. The RD was scheduled for a Saturday night (we weren't actually rehearsing). Again, I took the night off...no income again. Finally her bachelorette party was scheduled. Again, it was a Saturday night. I didn't go.

I don't know what your friend does for a living, but if it's anything where you're not paid when you don't work, you need to be understanding. Aside from the loss of income, bosses are not always understanding. Had I asked for another Saturday off, I surely wold've been fired.

I think we often lose sight of the fact that while our weddings are incredibly important to us, other people have lives of their own. It's not always feasible to just take a night off. I know that my friend was annoyed that I didn't go to her bachelorette party, but no one was going to put money in my pocket. Participating in a bridal party brings with it heavy costs. At the time, I was not only shelling out a lot of money to be in the BP, but I was losing about $500 every time I took a night off.

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THats NOT at all what I was saying. I DO understand that she has to work I just didnt appreciate being BLASTED b/c I choose a night that wasnt convenient for her. She is only paying for her dress 127 and part of her shoes, everything else Im picking up but again not the point. I was NEVER mad that she couldnt come. I am mad that she wants me to change the date that is convenient for her, that is wrong.

I think it was just a long post and people got confused. I understand better now what you are upset about. I would gently let her know that you would love to have it on a Saturday and have her there but other obligations simply make this impossible.

You sound so stressed as well you should be Don't worry about her needs, just put your own first right now.

edited for grammer- it didn't make sense!

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Posted by NYtherapist

While I understand that you feel it's important for them to attend your dinner, it seems as though they have things that are taking precedence. If people are unable to attend, you can surely give them their gifts at a later date.

It's unfortunate that the snowstorm arrived when it did; however, just as you have things scheduled for the next 2 months, it seems that your BP does, too.

I understand your uncle's point (though it sounds like he wasn't terribly diplomatic while making it). One of my BMs lives in Connecticut and my MOH lives in D.C. I don't expect them to attend functions other than the wedding itself. I'd love it if they're able to come, but I certainly don't expect it. It sounds as though your uncle & his fiancee are willing to come, but the fact that it's on a Friday evening makes it difficult. Surely, you can understand that such a lengthy drive is more convenient on a Saturday or Sunday.

I think it's wonderful that some of your BMs are going out of their way to attend, but to expect everyone should do so is unfair, in my opinion.

Relax and enjoy your night. Whoever is able to attend will be there and you should enjoy the time you spend together :)

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Again you read this whole thing WRONG!!!! I DONT expect everyone to attend, this is something I am doing out of the kindness of my heart and whoever can come, comes. It is NOt mandatory, dont be silly. And you agree with my unlce on what aspect? if you receive an invitation to something and you cant make it are you going to call the person and say change the date I cant make it? NO of course not would you even make the call? I think my uncle was out of line. It sounds like she feels left out but that is not my intention or problem. I had to chose a date that is ok with ME since I am hosting it. If you read my post I have prior engagments on yes every sat and sun till easter! and in april i have the RD where they are getting their attendant gifts. Thank you for replying though

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Posted by ckgmwedding

I think it was just a long post and people got confused. I understand better now what you are upset about. I would gently let her know that you would love to have it on a Saturday and have her there but other obligations simply make this impossible.

You sound so stressed as well you should be Don't worry about her needs, just put your own first right now.

edited for grammer- it didn't make sense!

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Thank you

ok, as the CA therapist(truthfully), I am telling you to take that hot bath now.

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Posted by NYtherapist

As I said, your post was unclear. Goodness, relax. Life isn't so bad :)

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NO its not, sorry if my post was unclear. I wrote in the heat of the moment.

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Posted by girlygrl33

Again you read this whole thing WRONG!!!! I DONT expect everyone to attend, this is something I am doing out of the kindness of my heart and whoever can come, comes. It is NOt mandatory, dont be silly. And you agree with my unlce on what aspect? if you receive an invitation to something and you cant make it are you going to call the person and say change the date I cant make it? NO of course not would you even make the call? I think my uncle was out of line. It sounds like she feels left out but that is not my intention or problem. I had to chose a date that is ok with ME since I am hosting it. If you read my post I have prior engagments on yes every sat and sun till easter! and in april i have the RD where they are getting their attendant gifts. Thank you for replying though being a therapist I wish it had more useful insight to my problem.

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I began my initial post by stating that I found your post confusing and was going to respond according to what I believed I understood.

I provided you with a response to what I was able to decipher. Apparently, my interpretation was incorrect.

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Posted by ckgmwedding

ok, as the CA therapist(truthfully), I am telling you to take that hot bath now.

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K sorry Im just so upset dont mean to be mean.

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Posted by NYtherapist

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Posted by girlygrl33

Again you read this whole thing WRONG!!!! I DONT expect everyone to attend, this is something I am doing out of the kindness of my heart and whoever can come, comes. It is NOt mandatory, dont be silly. And you agree with my unlce on what aspect? if you receive an invitation to something and you cant make it are you going to call the person and say change the date I cant make it? NO of course not would you even make the call? I think my uncle was out of line. It sounds like she feels left out but that is not my intention or problem. I had to chose a date that is ok with ME since I am hosting it. If you read my post I have prior engagments on yes every sat and sun till easter! and in april i have the RD where they are getting their attendant gifts. Thank you for replying though being a therapist I wish it had more useful insight to my problem.

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I began my initial post by stating that I found your post confusing and was going to respond according to what I believed I understood.

I provided you with a response to what I was able to decipher. Apparently, my interpretation was incorrect.

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thank you for responding though relally

First of all, I understood you the first time around, But I tend to talk fast and jumbled, so that may be it.

Anyway, I agree with you that your uncle was completely out of line. It sounds to me like you've made every effort to be accomodating, and it wasn't anyone's fault that it snowed when the dinner was originally scheduled for.
I'm guessing that you didn't give her a hard time about not being able to attend, and you really shouldn't. Like someone else mentioned, people do have lives of their own and can't always change things around. That being said, it's unfortunate that she can't attend, but that's just too bad.
If I were you, I would probably wait until I cooled off and then call my uncle. I think you need to calmly explain that there really is no other day that you can arrange for the dinner. You would love for his girlfriend to be able to attend, but you understand that it's not possible. But he needs to understand that it's also not possible for you to accomodate 11 woman. This is the date you've chose and that's all there is to it.
Don't let anyone get to you. You can only do what you can do.

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Posted by ckgmwedding

I know you don't. I just think you are getting upset with the wrong people. Remember you can't change others- no matter how stupid or pigheaded they may be(referring to your uncle and his FH!!!).

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thanks talking about it made me feel better.

OK, because I have been through my FAIR share of hurt, pain and aggravation due to others and am responsible for a few rambling posts, I am sending LOTS of your way! Breathe, relax, take it all in perspective. Pray - God listens best when we're at a loss.
With that said, you cannot change people, CK is right...and for whatever reason weddings make those closest to us act weird and do and say things that would never be said under normal circumstances...give it a few days, speak to her directly, once you take that hot bath and see if you can both come to a conclusion that makes you both happy. If she can't come...offer to mail her pictures and her present along with a letter stating the 'minutes' of the festivities...and let her know she was missed but you understand. YES, this means you have to be a REALLY big person, but breathe, put yourself in her shoes and try and be calm.
Remember that we're here to help - so post and vent...feel better!

On a happier note - you're almost at 1000 posts! YEAY!

Good! That's all that matters

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Posted by nferrandi

First of all, I understood you the first time around, But I tend to talk fast and jumbled, so that may be it.

Anyway, I agree with you that your uncle was completely out of line. It sounds to me like you've made every effort to be accomodating, and it wasn't anyone's fault that it snowed when the dinner was originally scheduled for.
I'm guessing that you didn't give her a hard time about not being able to attend, and you really shouldn't. Like someone else mentioned, people do have lives of their own and can't always change things around. That being said, it's unfortunate that she can't attend, but that's just too bad.
If I were you, I would probably wait until I cooled off and then call my uncle. I think you need to calmly explain that there really is no other day that you can arrange for the dinner. You would love for his girlfriend to be able to attend, but you understand that it's not possible. But he needs to understand that it's also not possible for you to accomodate 11 woman. This is the date you've chose and that's all there is to it.
Don't let anyone get to you. You can only do what you can do.

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I do talk too fast and jumbled, lol.

No I wasnt upset at all and told her not to worry that we would do something else. but I guess she doesnt feel its the same thing. It is soooo hard to get them all together I got very lucky to have such a great turnout after having to r/s it. some will be late coming after basketball games out east, but they are coming. I totally understand she has to work we all need the cash but shes making me feel bad saying that I did it on purpose to leave her out, and my uncle saying then why did I ask her to a BM I was shocked. and so upset. but you are right I have to do what I can do. Id love it if she came but I understand.