Ok need to vent and need opinions....Long

Last night, FH and I went to FIL's for dinner for my bday. We started talking about the wedding, of course. Now, let me preface this by saying that FIL's have been nothing but wonderful throughout this whole thing, and haven't really given me any problems at all. Nor do I think they have any intentions of giving me any problems. They really are great and I am very lucky and fortunate.

Ok. So we start talking about the INFAMOUS TIME GAP. My ceremony is at 3. It's a ceremony only, no mass. CH starts at 7:30. I can't change the times because my church won't move up the mass, and there's a wedding at my RH before me. We will probably leave the church between 4 and 4:15 after receiving line and pics. My plan was as follows:

FH and I and entire BP go in Limobus to take pics in between.
My parents, their dates (divorced), and FIL's go in the Navigator and come with us to take pics.

Guests find something to do with themselves in between....either go back to the hotel or go home.

Well FIL's feel they need to give people a place to go in between. First they mentioned their house.....I said they probably won't want to deal with that. So then they said maybe go back to the hotel with the rest of the guests and basically be on 'clean up' duty and make sure everyone has somewhere to go. On top of that, they offered to put money down so that people could get some cocktails at the hotel lounge. But this also means that FIL's would go to the hotel WITH everyone.....which means my parents would have to also, since they're in the same car.

While this is very nice of them and all, I have a few concerns:

1- I don't want FIL's (or my parents for that matter) to feel responsible for anyone or anything that night. I want them to be able to sit back, relax, and enjoy everything

2- FIL's would still have to leave their little shin dig early because they need to be at NRC by 6pm...to take pics, and because we only have the limos til 6.

3- What if MY parents don't want to go back to this thing and would rather come take pics? Then that means they would have to come in the Limobus with FH and I and BP, which I really didn't want (and I'm not getting another car).

4- I know this really is just FFIL trying to help, because that's what he does. He helps and he's a constant 'fixer.' But I almost feel as if he's trying to get out of going to take pictures in between by doing this.


Then of course, we get home last night and I try talking to FH and he doesn't understand my point AT ALL, and then starts yelling at me telling me his dad is just trying to help and if I don't want help because I feel it's going to RUIN my wedding.....then just say so. I never said anything about it ruining the wedding. Oh and yea, that's how I ended my birthday last night.....with FH annoyed with me because I asked his f'ing opinion on this.......

So of course now I can't ask him what he thinks.....so I need your help girls. Am I being totally ridiculous? Should I just have them do this and basically do exactly what I said I wouldn't and make sure that every guest has a place to go during the stupid infamous gap?????

sorry your bday ended like that but on the bright side of this whole thing at least your fil's are really trying to be helpful, but why do they have to go back tothe hotel? they could just set something up with paid for cocktails for the guests with the hotel and they dont really have to be there, this way they can all come and take pics

Laura, I honestly think u should let them do this. no matter what parents always assume the take careres of the event and there is nothing to do about it. only the unhelpful parents see themselves as guests at the wedding.
let them do this, will make them happy and like they helped in an enormous way.
if ur parents dont want to do this, which I highly doubt it then they can drop off the IL's and continue where they need to go


HTH
no anger on bday's plz

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Posted by Jna2010

sorry your bday ended like that but on the bright side of this whole thing at least your fil's are really trying to be helpful, but why do they have to go back tothe hotel? they could just set something up with paid for cocktails for the guests with the hotel and they dont really have to be there, this way they can all come and take pics

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They want to go back to make sure people don't get out of hand......I feel like FFIL thinks he needs to babysit people, especially OOT'ers, if they don't know where to go. He kept saying how he's willing to not go do pics in between so he can be on 'cleanup duty.' My reasoning is that I don't want any of the parents to have to worry about that...........

oh no Laura!!!! I am so sorry you ended your bitrhday night on a not so happy note!!!!!

I can see both points here....but coming from another person with this infamous time gap, I want to get ALLLLLL pictures that can be done before hand, done or 98% them done before CH!

My neighbors parents did something like this for thier daughters wedding and she told me mom to NOT do it bec its too much stress and she felt like she didnt enjoy the day as much as she couldve bec she was so worried about the time gap and the guests coming back to her house etc----she said people figure out what do...and honestly i couldnt agreee more!! (no offense to anyone what so ever!!!!!!!- i have been to weddings both ways and honestly it has NEVER been a problem!!! and if i was an OOT, i would just go back to my hotel for a little bit and relax before it was time to party!

HTH! xxoo <3

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Posted by Jna2010

sorry your bday ended like that but on the bright side of this whole thing at least your fil's are really trying to be helpful, but why do they have to go back tothe hotel? they could just set something up with paid for cocktails for the guests with the hotel and they dont really have to be there, this way they can all come and take pics

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ita! if they inist for whatever reason though for going back, i would think they would expect to have to get a town car or something to transport them from the church to the hotel and then to the NRC. if this comes up, just talk like you assume they know this. say something along the lines of, will you just have a town car pick you up then? if you phrase it like this, they will know they are responsible for the cost. rather than should i get a town car for you and then its ambiguous (sp?) of who's paying.

and so that guest will know ahead of time (so that they dont have to go back and direct them), write a little something on your reception card. thats what i am doing since jericho terrace has a wine and cheese lounge for the 'gap' If you want the wording I am using, let me know. Shauna is also doing this since she is a JT bride and Im sure the others are as well/

by the way I was at a wedding last year with a big gap in between church and CH both were like a 25 min car ride apart. the guests that came to the church my friends's parents set up a small dessert table at the church's basement (very nice roomy and big place) and then they left. we all just hung out and talked to each other. was totally fine.
this is coming from someone that never been to a non-Jewish wedding before and didnt know what to expect or how this whole thing works

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Posted by MrsSoto


and so that guest will know ahead of time (so that they dont have to go back and direct them), write a little something on your reception card. thats what i am doing since jericho terrace has a wine and cheese lounge for the 'gap' If you want the wording I am using, let me know. Shauna is also doing this since she is a JT bride and Im sure the others are as well/

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This was something that FSIL recommended, and I do like that idea if I go with the whole thing. She recommended either putting another insert in the invite or something in the church programs.

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Posted by Lsorrent

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Posted by Jna2010

sorry your bday ended like that but on the bright side of this whole thing at least your fil's are really trying to be helpful, but why do they have to go back tothe hotel? they could just set something up with paid for cocktails for the guests with the hotel and they dont really have to be there, this way they can all come and take pics

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They want to go back to make sure people don't get out of hand......I feel like FFIL thinks he needs to babysit people, especially OOT'ers, if they don't know where to go. He kept saying how he's willing to not go do pics in between so he can be on 'cleanup duty.' My reasoning is that I don't want any of the parents to have to worry about that...........

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ohhh ok i see, but thats what parents do they worry lol, they will be able to go to pics at your rh right? i mean thats where im having all the family ones done. Maybe you should just let them do that babysitter duty stuff at the hotel if thats what they want and then they can come for pics at the rh. other wise i feel like if you dont let them do this, theyll just be stressing even more

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Posted by Lsorrent

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Posted by Jna2010

sorry your bday ended like that but on the bright side of this whole thing at least your fil's are really trying to be helpful, but why do they have to go back tothe hotel? they could just set something up with paid for cocktails for the guests with the hotel and they dont really have to be there, this way they can all come and take pics

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They want to go back to make sure people don't get out of hand......I feel like FFIL thinks he needs to babysit people, especially OOT'ers, if they don't know where to go. He kept saying how he's willing to not go do pics in between so he can be on 'cleanup duty.' My reasoning is that I don't want any of the parents to have to worry about that...........

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honestly, and I know that YOU know this, they are adults and dont have to be babysat...if they get drunk, thats their issue, that could happen anywhere and anytime. but like some other girls said, if he really wants to do this i think you should leave it alone because there is no way of changing his mind most likely. Just politely say, ok, sounds good to me (lol) but I definately wnat you in pictures and dont want to miss the ch, when do you think we all think would be a good time for this?

We have the same gap. My mom offered HER HOUSE. (She would leave it in the care of ne of her sister in laws) I told her to let it go. These people are grown and can figure out what to do.

I've talked to SEVERAL guests about this, and they tell me the same thing. 'Joanne, relax... it happens. We'll find something to do.'

The OOTs can go back to the hotel and freshen up.

I see both sides, but if he wants to do it... let him pay for a little pre-cocktail cocktail party at the hotel, but insist he come for pictures. If people are going to 'get out of hand' they're going to do so regardless.

Thank you girls......for sound, reasonable advice.....it's so much nicer than just hearing FH say I'm being crazy.

I'm thinking you're all right, and I should just let this one go. I just have this picture in my head of FIL's freaking out about people that day and I want them to just relax and enjoy. But I digress.....it may just make sense to let them do this but make sure they are at NRC in time for pics before CH.

I'm sure your guests would be fine without something to do, and Im sure you know that. But if you cannot convince your FILs of that...then maybe its not a bad idea to find something for your guests to do.

Since your FILs want to do something for your guests and want to be there with them- why not let them? BUT, have someone else 'host' it. Do you have another relative you are close with? Aunt/Uncle/cousin, etc? Someone that would be willing to help out and make sure whatever happens in between (ie hotel lounge, FIL's house, etc) goes smoothly? This way your FILs can take pics with you and your guests would still be entertained?

Not sure if thats a possibility, but I figured I would throw it out there.

I can understand how frustrating this must be. Anything else I can think of I'll post right away.

Dont worry- be happy- its your birthday!!

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Posted by Jna2010

sorry your bday ended like that but on the bright side of this whole thing at least your fil's are really trying to be helpful, but why do they have to go back tothe hotel? they could just set something up with paid for cocktails for the guests with the hotel and they dont really have to be there, this way they can all come and take pics

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I have to agree... let them set something up but why do they have to be there? Why can't they let the guests take care of themselves? This is the issue I am having with AFTER the wedding since I am getting married in the afternoon. FH feels like it is our responsibility to make sure people have something to do after the wedding and that we should be there. I agree with you. You want your FILS there for pictures. Maybe there is a compromise. Can they stop by the hotel for 30 minutes and then have the limo take them over to you guys?

I personally think that most people will just go home in between. Any wedding I have been to with a time gap people go to the church in their normal every day clothing and then go home, change and head over to the RH.

I'm thinking I'm going to go with Lorin's idea (and my FSIL's) of putting something in the invite or the church program to let people know they can go.

FIL's are mostly concerned about OOT'ers (which I don't understand b/c they'd go back to the hotel anyway) and people that aren't OOT but don't live close enough to go home.

I guess I'll also probably say all the parents can go back to the hotel if they want too, but they need to be at NRC at 6pm to at least take pics there if they don't want to go with us in between.

The more and more I think of it, it's not worth the argument.

trust me. u wont start ur ceremony at EXACTLY 3.

u wont get out of church til at least 4:30.. by the time ppl leave, drive to your rh hall...sand around for a lil while..BIG DEAL. they are all adults.

i knwo when theres a big gap ppl usually stop by somewhere on the way for coffee/snack.


ur fil's are trying to make every guest comfortable, but they will never please any1.

and guess what? all your guests will be aware of the time gap from your invitation. they will figure it out. its not that bad

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Posted by grkbarbie

trust me. u wont start ur ceremony at EXACTLY 3.

u wont get out of church til at least 4:30.. by the time ppl leave, drive to your rh hall...sand around for a lil while..BIG DEAL. they are all adults.

i knwo when theres a big gap ppl usually stop by somewhere on the way for coffee/snack.


ur fil's are trying to make every guest comfortable, but they will never please any1.

and guess what? all your guests will be aware of the time gap from your invitation. they will figure it out. its not that bad

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That's EXACTLY what I think. But they are just worried that people aren't going to know what to do with themselves

ask them what they did when they were guests at weddings with a time gap. im sure no1 opened their home to babysit grown adults