One less BM :(

So I think I just lost one of my BMs. She has been difficult with the dresses, doesn't want to pay for them, complains about the prices and has no desire to help.

I am not trying to be difficult and I am surely not a brideszilla but common :(

I picked the brand of the dresses and the color and said the girls can pick any long dress in that color and material and she is telling me she can't afford the dress, doesn't want to do the hair, etc....

Opinions?

you don't need someone who is going to give you a hard time, you have enough stress as it is planning everything!!

Being all brides, we tend to look at this only from a bride's perspective.

Is there a legit reason she might be having more money trouble than your other bm's?

I mean, if she can't do it, she' can't do it... whether she can help it or not. If her reasons are legit, give her the option. Tell her, I understand how expensive it is to be a BM, and I also understand how a person may not realize that before they're in the middle of it. Then tell her you won't be hurt and you'll understand if she can't do it, and you won't be mad but you need to know.

IF it's not legit and she's just being difficult because of jealousy or whatever, then you don't have to be as nice about it. But try to consider where her complaints are coming from first.

And if this isn't someone you're close enough to approach about this she probably shouldn't have been a bm to begin with...

When u have a negative person like that is better not to have her at all...u better of not having her..I'm sorry

If she really has serious financial problems then I cant blame her but if shes being difficult bec thats her personality or wtvr other reason cut her loose!!!

i also feel like if girls are having $ problems then they should never agree to be a BM. I know its uncomfortable to say no but its a lot better than saying you cant afford things after the fact.

Oy.

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Posted by allornil

I'd talk to her and let her off the hook. Take her off your BM list and just invite her to the wedding.

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agreed! i did this with 2 of my BM's....one isn't even invited to the wedding anymore....remember my vent abt her calling me self-absorbed??? yeah, we're donzo

Good Morning Ladies,

Thanks for all your advise and suggestions.

This is how it all happened. I reached out to my BM (a friend of 10 years) and asked her to be the BM....Her first response was, great what color did you pick for the dresses? I told her it was coral and she said she thinks I should pick lilac because she has 2 dresses in lilac from another wedding that are real cute. Keep in mind, I know her for 10 years so I know which dresses she is referring to and one is her prom dress from 2000!!! I told her that I don't want lilac and even if I did, I want the girls to have the same color. I think I am already pretty reasonable when it comes to style of dress. I am letting each girl choose her own dress as long as it's the same color, material and length. Some girls chose off the shoulder, some strapless and so on. I am also not telling the girls what hair to do or what shoes to wear so I would like to believe I am easy going and not a bridezilla.

Initially we were going to go with satin dresses from Alfred Angelo, but when I realized that Satin in July= wrinkles and angry bridesmaids, I switched to Bari Jay in Chiffon. I understand every girl's budgets is different and I have been calling around stores to get prices for the girls (saves them the hassle). When I showed her the dresses I liked, she said she wanted to get a swatch of the dress, go to a department store, buy the dress so she can return it after!!! Which would be fine, but you girls know a coral in one brand is pink or peach in another and I want the girls to match. Is that too much to ask?! A few weeks later, I reached out to her to see if she liked any dresses on the site? She tells me she liked the short ones because you don't have to worry about tailoring and I told her that I asked them to be short because I want all the girls to be uniform. Am I being unreasonable?

I reached out to her this week and asked her to be honest with me about her budget and what she can/cannot afford. She works right now and has no kids or major bills that I know of. She said right now, she can't afford much. I said I understand and I am not upset. I just need her to be honest and tell me if she wants to be a BM or not. If not, I would still love for her to come to the wedding as a guest and it would be no hurt feelings....

Have not heard back from her since....Cricket Cricket....

i'm doing the exact same thing....letting the girls pick their own styles as long as it is same designer, color, fabric and length. not saying one word about hair, accessories or anything. very, very easy going. some ppl just have problems with it bc they make it abt themselves!

well, F them! move on! you should talk to her and tell her you're bothered. judging by how she reacts, she can either change her tune or she can just come as a guest. she's acting like she's doing you a favor by being a BM

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Posted by J79

i'm doing the exact same thing....letting the girls pick their own styles as long as it is same designer, color, fabric and length. not saying one word about hair, accessories or anything. very, very easy going. some ppl just have problems with it bc they make it abt themselves!

well, F them! move on! you should talk to her and tell her you're bothered. judging by how she reacts, she can either change her tune or she can just come as a guest. she's acting like she's doing you a favor by being a BM

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Yeah ITA! I feel like being a BM is an honor and I would be thrilled if my friend asked me to be there for her special day. It means they value you that much more! She is acting like it's a hassle.

When you accept the honor of being a BM in a wedding it comes with the understanding that there are going to be some financial obligations. I had 2 girls, one being my favorite cousin, tell me she could not be in the wedding because she couldnt commit financially and she didnt want to let me down. I was disappointed but I totally understood and appreciated that she told me then and not after the fact like 1 of my BM's.

It doesnt sound to me like she is having financial issues although she says she cant afford much. With all of the other comments you said she told you, it just sounds like she is a difficult person. She CANT tell you what color or length your girls dresses should be. Who does that........

I would say wait a few days for her response. If you dont hear anything I would send her another email or text or even call and tell her since I have not heard a response from you I will assume you are no longer in the BP. Its then up to you if you still want to invite her as a guest.

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Posted by JLWSJC

Being all brides, we tend to look at this only from a bride's perspective.

Is there a legit reason she might be having more money trouble than your other bm's?

I mean, if she can't do it, she' can't do it... whether she can help it or not. If her reasons are legit, give her the option. Tell her, I understand how expensive it is to be a BM, and I also understand how a person may not realize that before they're in the middle of it. Then tell her you won't be hurt and you'll understand if she can't do it, and you won't be mad but you need to know.

IF it's not legit and she's just being difficult because of jealousy or whatever, then you don't have to be as nice about it. But try to consider where her complaints are coming from first.

And if this isn't someone you're close enough to approach about this she probably shouldn't have been a bm to begin with...

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well said!

It saddens me to say that you are right. She is a hard person to work with sometimes. From the color of the dresses, to the length to the make, it has been an issue. She should be lucky that I didn't say this is the dress and that's it! I tried to be accommodating, but there is so much I can do. She asked me if I was buying the dresses. Um, NO! I know some girls do that, but I don't have the money to be buying 5 dresses for the girls.

I also had an issue when I told her that I was getting ready at Fox Hollow the day of the wedding instead of brooklyn because I wanted to avoid traffic, rushing, and worrying. I told her I got a suite and wouldn't mind if the girls wanted to stay the night before so they too can get ready with ease....Her first question was how many girls. I said 4 and I said there was plenty of room and we could get a fold out or something and her next comment which hurt me a lot was 'I don't feel like contributing'. DID I ASK U TOO? I simply made a suggestion for you so that u didn't have to shlep all the way to LI the day of.

I am giving her some time to get back to me, but right now I am so upset :(

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Posted by SoonToBeMrsFox

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Posted by JLWSJC

Being all brides, we tend to look at this only from a bride's perspective.

Is there a legit reason she might be having more money trouble than your other bm's?

I mean, if she can't do it, she' can't do it... whether she can help it or not. If her reasons are legit, give her the option. Tell her, I understand how expensive it is to be a BM, and I also understand how a person may not realize that before they're in the middle of it. Then tell her you won't be hurt and you'll understand if she can't do it, and you won't be mad but you need to know.

IF it's not legit and she's just being difficult because of jealousy or whatever, then you don't have to be as nice about it. But try to consider where her complaints are coming from first.

And if this isn't someone you're close enough to approach about this she probably shouldn't have been a bm to begin with...

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well said!

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I totally agree with you and gave her that option. I am not forcing her to be a BM and will totally understand if she can't afford it. Everyone's situation is different and I respect that. All I ask is for honesty and courtesy. Don't tell me you will be a BM and let me down at the end u know?