OY! Not enough room for everyone (short rant)

Hey folks,

my FW and I are budgeting for 200 people. Pretty decent sized wedding, right? (though some folks might say, 'for a Jewish wedding? So small?) We're a little behind schedule, and are pulling together everyone's addresses for the STD postcards. My mom emails a few of our cousins to gently remind them to get email addresses. To keep the size of the wedding from going out of control, for my family, we decided to limit who were inviting to first cousins (both mine and my parents). The wife of one of the first cousins sent back an email with their address... and the addresses of their children, my second cousins.

Don't get me wrong; i genuinely like them. They're good kids. But we're already going absolutely crazy with the guest list. Without question or hesitation, the hardest part of this whole thing for us has not been the caterer, the shul, the officiants, the band, the dj, the flowers... it's been the guest list. How do we squeeze to decent sized families and the many great friends we got down to that (and to you brides and grooms that are doing 100 or 150, G-d bless you!)?

I'm sure my cousin meant nothing by sending the addresses except she thought the kids might be invited. I don't want to be rude; I'd really love for them to come... but there are 15-20 other second cousins that I'd love to be there as well, and frankly, we really can't afford that.

Is there a precendent for sending a note explaining the situation? Is that rude? I don't want to set off any family wars here. Should I just ignore their addresses and make like I never got them? Should I sa something? What do y'all think?

--the stealth groom
giving meat eating, sports watching, whiskey drinking men a voice on liweddings since 10/06

I wish i could help but I have no idea lol...But whenever you do get an answer let me know because I have the same problem...We are having about 350, and would love to hear a solution lol...Good luck and hope it works out.

Actually maybe you can call and say, as much as we would love to invite everyone, unfortunately we have limited space.

seriously im having 300 and i have this awfully great feelings its gona tip over to 350 ppl

just be polite and explain your situation...

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Posted by luvabul

seriously im having 300 and i have this awfully great feelings its gona tip over to 350 ppl

just be polite and explain your situation...

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thats just bc i know how stressful it can be lol and you probably need it at times lol...Good luck, hope the list doesn't get too big lol...Hey they do say that about 15% RSVP no lol

i too am limiting my guest list to 1st cousins only since i have 20-25 2nd cousins on my side alone. so i have already told my cousins on the phone that we have to limit it to 1st cousins only since we are paying for the wedding ourselves.. you can fib a little noone needs to know the whole truth also i read on here a few months ago that on the RSVP card you simply state ' there are 2 seats being reserved in you honor at our wedding' with an accept or decline this making it totally clear how many people are invited! no matter what you do people are going to be upset that their children are not invited but its impossible to make 200 people all happy at the same time!

i hope this helps! good luck!

im hoping 50% rsvp no...

haha jk

no its nice to have all your family and loved ones, but sometimes they dont realize how much it is...

Byoat !!!!!! hmmn, I can share what we're doing, & hope it helps some Some background, I have a huge family my mom is one of 12 children, I have 41 first cousins not including spouces or the children, they've had.... Just my mom's side, Dad's is about 20 total... FH has a rather small family, but his parents have a large social circle that they're close w/ and many many friends in business.... If we started inviting just these people not to mention, my parents friends or OUR friends we'd be at 200

We decided to choose an intimate venue and have an smaller affair:

we're inviting:

-Our Friends, close friends not aquaintences
-My mom's side:
Aunts & uncle,
first cousins' over 21
noone w/ a date unless they are married, engaged,or living together
Dad's:
Grandparents
A&U
cousin's over 21

FH's Family bothsides (he has no cousin's under 21, and his 2 single cousin's can bring a guest , since all of my cousins know each other,
Friends personal & professional his parents choose...

we're inviting 150
hoping for 100
realisticly expect 120

our venue has a min of 60 & a MAX of 130

maybe by telling your guest that you & your FW wanted this to be an intimate affair, and you chose a venue that could only accomadate X amount of guest.....

i think EVERYONE on this board knows your pain/frustration. i had a TINY wedding and i went through the same thing.

the previous post about 'not telling the whole truth' is (in my opinion) THE ONLY WAY TO GO. you tell your side that you have to make room for her side and that's why the numbers have to be kept down. and you tell her side that you have to make room for your side.

also, if you mention that the parents are contributing financially it works better than if you mention that you're paying for it yourself.

why??

because this way you use the 'obligation' to invite 'their people'.

i hope this made sense. good luck to you.

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Posted by perfectpair

Byoat !!!!!! hmmn, I can share what we're doing, & hope it helps some Some background, I have a huge family my mom is one of 12 children, I have 41 first cousins not including spouces or the children, they've had.... Just my mom's side, Dad's is about 20 total... FH has a rather small family, but his parents have a large social circle that they're close w/ and many many friends in business.... If we started inviting just these people not to mention, my parents friends or OUR friends we'd be at 200

We decided to choose an intimate venue and have an smaller affair:

we're inviting:

-Our Friends, close friends not aquaintences
-My mom's side:
Aunts & uncle,
first cousins' over 21
noone w/ a date unless they are married, engaged,or living together
Dad's:
Grandparents
A&U
cousin's over 21

FH's Family bothsides (he has no cousin's under 21, and his 2 single cousin's can bring a guest , since all of my cousins know each other,
Friends personal & professional his parents choose...

we're inviting 150
hoping for 100
realisticly expect 120

our venue has a min of 60 & a MAX of 130

maybe by telling your guest that you & your FW wanted this to be an intimate affair, and you chose a venue that could only accomadate X amount of guest.....

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It's funny because while my immediate family is not so big (I really only have 5 first cousins, along with 4 spouses, one sister), my extended family starts to get big... my dad has one brother, a step brother and a step sister, and at least 10 first cousins I'm thinking of. If we start to include ther children (I used kids to describe the second cousins in question because they're a few years younger than me, but they're both out of college), then oy. And that's not counting my mother's fam.

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Posted by libby2595

i think EVERYONE on this board knows your pain/frustration. i had a TINY wedding and i went through the same thing.

the previous post about 'not telling the whole truth' is (in my opinion) THE ONLY WAY TO GO. you tell your side that you have to make room for her side and that's why the numbers have to be kept down. and you tell her side that you have to make room for your side.

also, if you mention that the parents are contributing financially it works better than if you mention that you're paying for it yourself.

why??

because this way you use the 'obligation' to invite 'their people'.

i hope this made sense. good luck to you.

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Ah Libby, you're always helping me out!

Thanks to all of you who've responded, by the way, this has been stressing me out for a few days, but since I've been very busy at work, I haven't been on the boards like previously.

i think some form of this is how it's going to have to go. Our list is at 230, we're already counting on the 15 percent, although the people coming from Jordan and France have already said they're coming.

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Posted by Kara and Todd

I would have your mom call and politely explain the situation since she is the one who asked for addresses. You don't want to ignore them b/c then something might get said that the addresses were passed along for the wedding and those people may be confused when they ultimately don't get invites.

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This was my course of action. We left it up to the moms to let people know we were A) having an adult reception and B) only allowed each side of the family a set number of seats. We were able to keep the guest list under 175 we are hoping for 125-140.

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Posted by stealthgroom

Ah Libby, you're always helping me out!

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you're too kind.

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Posted by Kara and Todd

I would have your mom call and politely explain the situation since she is the one who asked for addresses. You don't want to ignore them b/c then something might get said that the addresses were passed along for the wedding and those people may be confused when they ultimately don't get invites.

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I agree with this 100%. This is exactly what I would do.

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Posted by perfectpair

Byoat !!!!!! hmmn, I can share what we're doing, & hope it helps some Some background, I have a huge family my mom is one of 12 children, I have 41 first cousins not including spouces or the children, they've had.... Just my mom's side, Dad's is about 20 total... FH has a rather small family, but his parents have a large social circle that they're close w/ and many many friends in business.... If we started inviting just these people not to mention, my parents friends or OUR friends we'd be at 200

We decided to choose an intimate venue and have an smaller affair:

we're inviting:

-Our Friends, close friends not aquaintences
-My mom's side:
Aunts & uncle,
first cousins' over 21
noone w/ a date unless they are married, engaged,or living together
Dad's:
Grandparents
A&U
cousin's over 21

FH's Family bothsides (he has no cousin's under 21, and his 2 single cousin's can bring a guest , since all of my cousins know each other,
Friends personal & professional his parents choose...

we're inviting 150
hoping for 100
realisticly expect 120

our venue has a min of 60 & a MAX of 130

maybe by telling your guest that you & your FW wanted this to be an intimate affair, and you chose a venue that could only accomadate X amount of guest.....

---

I Love this idea! My mom told me to set an age limit as well. I was figuring 18 yrs old and older out of the cousins, and dates for those who are living together, engaged or married! I would use 21 as an age limit however, my mom's sister has only 2 children and I am very close with them (one being one of my bridesmaids) but my aunts son (my cousin) is only going to be 17 at the time so I can fib no one knows his age. And then my mom's cousin who I am very close to him and his children (all being around my age) as well as is my FH close to them living right across the street from them. But the youngest in that family will only be 17 as well.

But then on my dad's side- who we arent that close with I have ALOT of little cousins. But there are some who will be 16 at the time of my wedding- and I really dnot want to have to pay $$ to invite them and I am not that close.

But I love the age limit idea!! Def work with that...and have your mom speak with your family...that is what I have told my mom to do as well

Good Luck!

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Posted by stealthgroom

i think some form of this is how it's going to have to go. Our list is at 230, we're already counting on the 15 percent, although the people coming from Jordan and France have already said they're coming.

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Beware of using that 15%. DH said nobody he would invite would say no, and he was almost right - his niece wound up getting pregnant with a due date 2 weeks before our wedding and had to decline, and the one couple with infants declined - and that was it from his side!!! On my end, those people that I had to invite out of obligation that my mother insisted would never come sent back a YES and did in fact make it.

To top it off, I figured that like most ceremonies that are held hours and hours before the reception, we would only have 50-60% attendance - we got 97%.

Wow i have a tiny family,
My mom has no brothers or sister or parents. or aunts or uncles.
so my total including friends and family is 65 people including inviting everyone 18 and over with a guest.

I think the only way to get away with no invitng alot of people is to just be born into a small family

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Posted by October Bliss

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Posted by stealthgroom

i think some form of this is how it's going to have to go. Our list is at 230, we're already counting on the 15 percent, although the people coming from Jordan and France have already said they're coming.

---

Beware of using that 15%. DH said nobody he would invite would say no, and he was almost right - his niece wound up getting pregnant with a due date 2 weeks before our wedding and had to decline, and the one couple with infants declined - and that was it from his side!!! On my end, those people that I had to invite out of obligation that my mother insisted would never come sent back a YES and did in fact make it.

To top it off, I figured that like most ceremonies that are held hours and hours before the reception, we would only have 50-60% attendance - we got 97%.

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I agree, you cant count on that 15%...sometimes it can be the opposite people like to invite others and their whole family and put them on the RSVP card too. You just never know

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Posted by luvabul

im hoping 50% rsvp no...

haha jk

no its nice to have all your family and loved ones, but sometimes they dont realize how much it is...

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Be careful what you wish for!!!!!

We INVITED 500 and gauranteed the hall an EASY 300 thinking we would have closer to 340 people. In the end, we were paniciking about meeting our minimum and the hall was nice enough to drop it down to 280 for us. In the end we had 278! We really excepted to have waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more!

I stressed and stressed over this.... My family is HUGE... i have 26 FIRST cousins of my own... not to mention my parents cousin's, etc. etc. also my parents are immigrants so their friends here ARE their family and that was like adding a 5th famiyl side and then some....

Basically, I cut it down like this:
No second cousins on my side (FH's yes because his father is only child and his mom had one sister, so not too many there)
I invited NO ONE from work.....that was hard as i genuinely like and care about the people i work with
-I did nto invite some of my friends from college that i just don't see anymore....

We invited 254 (many are overseas so we knew we wouldn't get all)....

Right now I am only at 152.... and two people on my guest list are dying of cancer and if they pass in the near future and/or their immediate family being too stressed to come to a wedding... it will drop further...

basically what i am saying is (5 weeks before my own wedding):

Set some parameters (i.e. over 18, no second cousins)--whatever those parameters might mean to you....
AND
remember that life is too short and unfortunately, people are inconsiderate and rude. SO many people i want to be at my wedding cannot be because they are too sick and others that i thought would make the effort to come disappointed me...

You will end up with less than you anticipate, but do make a few limits because you have to have a number that if they ALL decide to come, you are financially and logistically able to handle it.

GOOD LUCK!