Brides Helping Brides ™ - Paging all Interfaith Brides....

curly2003 Posted: Oct 29, 2002 09:21 AM

Paging all Interfaith Brides....

Hi Ladies,
I wanted to start this thread because although we are all in the same 'wedding planning process', Interfaith marriages are different. I wanted to start a thread where we can come for support and suggestions. Marriage is hard enough without adding different religions to the mix. I am head over heels in love with my FI but I see a few obstacle ahead of us. Ex. Children. I am Catholic and his family (not really he is) Penetcostal. How are you ladies dealing with this issue?? We have decided to raise them in both. Our ceremony will take place with a pastor and a priest. How about you??

dubliner Posted: Oct 29, 2002 09:48 AM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

We are interfaith too - RC and Jewish.
We are goingto Pre Cana for Interfaith couiples, and really don't know what to expect.
We hope to have a priest and a rabbi at the ceremony. Finding them is our next task

JustJodi Posted: Oct 29, 2002 09:51 AM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

My family is Jewish and Bill is Catholic.
We have been raising our son billy both, sorta.
We celebrate ALL holidays ( he loves it) and just teach him right now to believe in God.
Bill and I both have a very strong belief and faith in god and as long as Billy did also, we would be ok with that.
So far, no problems.. then again.. we are both very excepting of each others religion so I never thought we would have a problem.
We are having a rabbi marry us but he is not making it a religious ceremony.. Bill however has no problems breaking the glass or having the rabbi say a jewish prayer over us in hebrew ( for my parents happiness) Bill had a great attitude about it and said ' jodi, a rabbi is blessing us, it doesnt matter to me what language he is speaking'
I enjoy celebrating with him all of the catholic holidays and he has always enjoyed celebrating my families.
I think thats the most important part of making it work.. respect for one another.. I mean even 2 ppl with the same religion are going to have differences.
Love, respect, kindness patience and the ability to agree that its ok to disagree.

Misty Posted: Oct 29, 2002 10:28 AM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

YAAAAY!!!!! AN INTERFAITH THREAD!!!

I was thinking about starting one, but I just didn't know if there were enough of us on here to warrant a good response. My GOSH I need to know people going through the same stuff I am!!

Fi and I attended the interfaith precana two weeks ago, it was good, and it was GREAT to meet other interfaith couples. The only thing we didn't like was that it wasn't conducted by an interfaith couple, we thought that would really have helped more. But it was still done very well.

We're having a priest and a rabbi at the Crest Hollow.

curly2003 Posted: Oct 29, 2002 10:35 AM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

YAY!!!!!! People responded!!!!.

I'm glad I'm not alone. I would love to attend an interfaith pre-cana. Haven't spoken to my priest yet so don't know if one will happen. My FI and I both respect each others religion it's just that it's another LITTLE added situation. Keep the responses coming

dsilvers Posted: Oct 29, 2002 10:41 AM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

My fiance is Catholic and I am Jewish. We aren't actively religious. He is an NYPD officer, soon to be detective an he says he has his own arrangement with God. Watch over him and he'll do a good job watching over the people of NY. I have my own feelings as well. It's our Moms--my mother is pretty jewish and his mother is pretty catholic. I was surpised that his mom is so easy going and accepting. I expected that to be my mom, but no! She's having a hard time. We decided the kids will be Jewish. Mainly b/c I am Jewish and most of the time it follows the mothers' line. But after speaking with a few friends who are children interfaith couples, we found that they felt left out, not having a defined religion. All felt that have an education about both was great, expanded their horizons, but they wanted to say they were one or the other. So we took that into account. My fiance plans to learn what he can of Jewish history so he can answer our kids' questions one day, which I thought was nice. But we will do Christmas, Easter, etc., with his mom. I don't mind that at all. It's a special time for her.
As for the ceremony, we'vehad a hard time finding a rabbi who will do it. We are going to go for a cantor and a minister. I think. It's really hard for me b/c of my mom. I think she sees my choice as a betrayal. I don't know why, as she LOVED my fiance when he was my boyfriend LOL
Sorry for the long reply. I didn't really offer much advice.

curly2003 Posted: Oct 29, 2002 10:45 AM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

Dana, I feel the SAME way!!!!!!!!!!!

My mom is VERY, VERY Catholic. His father is VERY, VERY Pentecostal. I feel that if I dont do such and such that it's betraying my parents and not respecting his belief. It's a little tough. Both FI and I are O.K wit doing things as both of us are not overly religious, the issue is our parents and families.

Misty Posted: Oct 29, 2002 11:00 AM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

Same here people! His parents are extremely devout Catholics, as is he. We decided before we got engaged what religion our children would be. We determined that it's just better for them to have a defined religion in terms of ceremony, and practice, and to have the best of both worlds when it came to holidays and family gatherings. So we decided to raise them Catholic. I decided to allow this because while I practice my religion, I am no where near as devout as FH, and I could not in good conscience take away from him, something that means to much to him, but so little to me. It was a hard decision, and while I know there are people in my family that will be hurt by this, in the long run, it's what is best for me. I found a man that can't be compared to any other, and I will not let that go over ceremony. He will be an amazing father, husband, son in law, brother in law...everything down the line. My future kids couldn't be any luckier!!

If you need the name of a GREAT Cantor, I'll give you ours. He is such a sweet sweet man, and contributes to the ceremony to make it very personal. He's seen it all, and understands everything!

farah416 Posted: Oct 29, 2002 11:10 AM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

great idea to start this thread! My family's Muslim and his is Lutheran (although he and siblings were raised Catholic). We're both agnostic (we believe in God but not big fans of organized religion). We're raising the kids agnostic as well. We'll teach them right from wrong and they can make an educated decision later on. They will celebrate everything - Muslim holidays with my family, Christian ones with his, Jewish ones with their great-grandmother (his mom converted to Catholicism for his dad when they got married, they both converted to Lutheran years later) and I feel fairly well qualified to answer their basic questions as I have a minor in religious history.

The wedding ceremony has been a matter of much distress. We want a civil ceremony. His parents want Christian. My parents would be completely against Christian. We considered doing a Christian/Muslim thing, but think that's a little hypocritical on our part. We looked into a non-denominational minister to placate his parents, but no one ever called us back (FH in charge of that). I'm sure this will raise it's ugly head again! But in the end, as long as we're on the same page, it'll all be all right!

Good luck all!

lulu Posted: Oct 29, 2002 11:14 AM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

I'm an interfaith bride as well. I am Catholic and Dan is Jewish. We have decided to raise our children as Catholics because I have always felt strongly about my religion while Dan has never been too religious. He belives in God, but not necessarily in organized religion. We will continue to celebrate Jewish holidays with his parents and teach our children the customs. So far it does not seem to be a problem for either of our families.
We would like both a priest and a rabbi to perform our ceremony, and I really need to start looking soon! Has anyone met with Rabbi Ehrlich? I called him and we have an appointment to meet with him. My FI is from New Jersey so he doesn't know of any rabbi's around here. Does anyone have any recomendations?

luvleyles Posted: Oct 29, 2002 12:46 PM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

I am Jewish, FH is a practicing Catholic ~ AND he has children, AND we will be having children together. We will be 'raising' the kids Catholic, but still teaching our children where mommy comes from, and celebrating ALL holidays. It will be tough, but we'll be fine - and we never have to argue who's house we go to for any of the holidays. More to come - called into a meeting!

dsilvers Posted: Oct 29, 2002 01:20 PM

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I would love the name of the cantor if you can. That would be a great help! Thank you.

Misty Posted: Oct 29, 2002 01:21 PM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

Cantor Jeffrey Forman (516) 454-8434.

He's a little abrupt on the phone, not nasty, just quick. He's WONDERFUL when you meet him.

dsilvers Posted: Oct 29, 2002 01:27 PM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

Yes! I think you might have given me his name before. Thank you again. Someone at work also gave me his name. He's a popular guy.

dsilvers Posted: Oct 29, 2002 01:30 PM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

So what do you think of this: We haven't told my mom that we re seriously looking at places. She can't deal. She wants us to wait, not get married yet. I think she's holding out for a nice jewish doctor, but I love Matt, so there's that. But we are trying to get all of our ducks in a row, and then present her with our ideas. We aren't asking anything finacial of her, but it would help. His mom has already told us what she can contribute, which is so nice. I just want my mom to TRY and accept that this is happening. And that she can try to be involved or just wait for an invite, which would be sad...

Marcela1654 Posted: Oct 29, 2002 01:31 PM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

We're also interfaith. I am Catholic and my Fh is Greek Orthodox. There are a few differences, but they're not really big differences. So we ended up compromising. We would get married in a Greek Orthodox Church and we will raise the kids Catholic. Our families are fine with all of this.

Misty Posted: Oct 29, 2002 01:56 PM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

Trust me when I tell you....lay all of your cards out now with your parents. You have to present yourselves as a united front, and they have to know how in love you are, how serious you are (without just showing up with a reception hall one day), and how the two of YOU will work everything out with regards to religion. If there is one thing I learned in all of this, it's that being upfront with everyone is the MOST important thing. Granted, it is ultimately your decision, and I am by no means saying that if they are against it you shouldn't go through with it, but you absolutely have to have everything out in the open, and let them deal with it as they may. The worst thing for a marriage and the joining of two families should start out with is stuff swept under a rug. I've seen it happen before, and it just doesn't work ever.

If your mom has concerns, listen to her, because odds are they are valid concerns that both you and your FH will have to ask yourselves before you start doing anything with regards to the wedding. I am very glad that we listened to our parents, and worked everything out before we even got engaged, because once you start really planning your wedding, this stuff gets lost. Then you are going to have to deal with it head on right after the honeymoon, and that is the worst time to do it.

Let me know how things work out!!

dsilvers Posted: Oct 29, 2002 02:00 PM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

I hear you, definitely. And sad to say, we've been there already. We been engaged for nearly a year now and it's been nothing but a year of fighting with my mom. I tried talking rationally, telling her how I feel. We sat down with them together. My fiance even went and spoke with them on his own. My parents greatly respect that, but what my mom thinks, to her, is right. And she is refusing to participate or discuss ANY of this happening until she's ready. But, as you were saying, we are a united front and we are moving forward and she's going to have to realize that that's reality. She doesn't like when we are united. We tend to think she feels he's not enough for me, I am deluded by him and everything will fail. Try going up against that LOL it's TOUGH. But we try, as you said. We keep talking and sharing. But she's not wanting any of it...

Misty Posted: Oct 29, 2002 02:06 PM

Re: Paging all Interfaith Brides....

You might want to consider having Cantor Forman speak with her. Ask her if she'd be willing to meet with him with you and your FH. He offered this service to us when we went to see him also. I know it's always weird to have an outside party involved in it, but it does help to have a mediator, especially when your mom seems to have given into not discussing it.

Is it the topic of children that your mom is worried about? Sorry if I'm getting too personal...with Jewish parents this is usually the most heated argument...