Parents not on board..

I have been blessed to have a WONDERFUL fiance whom my family loves, and vice versa. In fact, both families get along quite well (we're having the official meet the parents dinner tomorrow). My one issue, though, is my parents reluctance on being positive about the wedding itself.

My parents and I live in NJ (about 15 minutes from the Manor in West Orange), His parents live in Queens, and my extended family lives in South Jersey.

Z and I have our hearts set on having our wedding at the Inn at New Hyde Park, (in fact the only place in NY we looked). I come back to tell the good news to my parents that we found the place, would they come for another look, and they are upset that they have to go to Long Island for their daughter's wedding. They think that this was the MOG's idea and it was convenient for her (not at all the case), however they have not been forthcoming with any positive suggestions. I point out that Z's parents have been nothing but supportive and did not complain one bit about all the other venues being in NJ. They would have none of it.

One of the reasons they were not in favor was that I was 'screwing over' my extended family by making them go out to NY (I did the math, it is a 15 minute difference from our other option - in my obsessive way I created a spreadsheet with distances from important towns to our top 5 venues)

I let the topic go for the past few days in the spirit of Christmas, but we need to make a decision soon or we will lose the date.

Also, all parties involved, my parents, his parents, and Z and I, are all contributing the same amount of money for the wedding.

Any suggestions on how I should go forward with this? Am I wrong for being upset about upsetting my family? Any help on this would be greatly appreciated.

Parents not on board..

I would explain to them that this is the venue you and your fiance fell in love with. You just know its the perfect spot for you to get married and celebrate your wedding in.

IMO... If the OOT family members feel it is as an 'inconvenience' to go from jersey to NHP... well... you don't want them there anyway.

My extended family lives in yorktown heights, NY (near westchester area) and I'll be getting married in central/eastern Suffolk County. They won't complain.

Parents not on board..

Bump

Parents not on board..

I would make it loud and clear that's what you fell in love with and that's that!
FH and I are both from LI. We fell in love with the WCC in West Patterson, NJ. It is 45 minutes for most of our family on LI. We also got the 'It's so far' talk from many but ignored it. In the end it is your wedding! Of course, you want to be accomedating but I'm sure you have traveled distances for your loved ones weddings, so why should they not do the same for you? And I agree, if they really want to be there they will make it and those that can't handle it, are not worth dampering your day!
Remember you can always block hotel rooms and send STD's to give people advance notice.

Parents not on board..

So here is an update about our situation:

I tried to speak with my mother last night about the situation, trying to be as objective as possible, and she shut down, storming out of the room at the end.

This morning, I received this email from my father (The only thing changed was I edited the names - everything else is the same):

A,

We need to clear the air about a few things, and you aren’t around much (or if you are….you are yelling)…….so please read everything below.

1) Your mother and I are overjoyed that you will be getting married to Z. Don’t forget that. We will enjoy many happy years as a family together…..assuming we get through 2013.
2) Traditionally, wedding plans surround the bride, her mother, and her family. The groom is secondary (although it’s a good idea if he shows up at the actual wedding……….) Your wedding is not working out that way for some reason. So, regardless of what you think, your mother is feeling left out and steamrolled by this entire process. I agree with her.
3) Most of your family lives in South/Central NJ and Eastern PA.
4) When we agreed to provide financial support to your wedding, you were looking at locations that were in northern NJ……which seemed equidistant from both the Bride’s and the Groom’s family. Now you are talking about a Sunday on Long Island…..which makes absolutely no sense to us. This will make it a hardship for most of your family to attend……including your parents. If you insist that this is the time and place that it needs to be, then we are withdrawing all financial support for this endeavor. It just makes no sense to us to support an expensive party that our family won’t be able to attend.
5) You are quickly turning into a Bridezilla. That needs to stop. We don’t deserve to be yelled at the way you have been doing. If it continues, please pack up and move out.

Your Father



I try to think of myself as a level-headed person, and I am very disturbed by the response I received. I don't believe I could have a wedding without my family present, but if I am going to spend this much money, I don't want to compromise. FI and I are coming up with alternatives, but it seems like my dream wedding at the Inn will stay a dream.

Parents not on board..

So sorry this hard. Ive dealt with the same thing. My parents feel like Im basing too much on my FH and his family. Also one of my good friends since I was little I want to be one of my bm my mother hates and threatened to make my dad withdraw the little amount they offered to help. Its sucha shame that OUR day is always dependent on everyone else. Good luck with every thing youll figure something out. Dont get discouraged! <3

Parents not on board..

It its obvious your parents and prolly mostly your mom are feeling left out. You might have too compromise on thr venue to make everyone happy. A Sunday on long island would mean your relatives would have to take off monday if they stayed in a hotel, that might be something to think about.

Parents not on board..

Well, your options are limited here. Personally, I think your Dad is trying to make what he thinks are good points, even if you have equally good reasons for what you want. The Inn is def beautiful, it was on our short list too, but there are also gorgeous places in NJ. If your Dad was paying for the entire wedding, I would say that your parents wishes should be taken into higher consideration. But since all are contributing equally, I can see where you are coming from. If they are making a major issue out of this one decision, I have a feeling there will be lots of conflicts ahead in your planning. The question is: Do you really want this to lead to a conflict that may take years to recover from? You are not in an easy position. Im sorry you have to go through this!

Re: Parents not on board..

my mom lives down south and most of her family live there and cali. so of course they all have to come to Ny for my wedding so hey sometimes people have to travel. of course they'd love it if I went down south and got married I mean it'd be way cheaper but that was never even an option in my mind lol.

I say do what you want it's your wedding and it should be at your dream place, what you want! don't worry about anyone else. in the end parents will just want you to be happy. or at least they should

Parents not on board..

I am so unbelievably sorry your going through this! I know they are your family but if I received that kind of email I would literally cut ties with my family. You get married once. Have the wedding you want. I said the same to my family it's my wedding my day and its about me and my future husband and not you so we shouldn't have to accommodate anyone but us and I told them if they don't like it don't come!!!! I hope you and your family work things out but ultimately I hope you have your dream wedding without regards to others! If they love you they will find a way to be there!!

Parents not on board..

Thank you all for your help and suggestions. We are going to not accept his money but still look for venues in NJ. To be honest my little bridal bubble has been popped. It's not like I am going to pout for the next 10 months, but I am losing interest over the whole wedding thing. I am much more focused on the end result- spending the rest of my life with the man I love. I will certainly update you on how this turn out.

Parents not on board..

Don't be upset! There are so many beautiful venues in NJ. My dream was to get married at the Venetian but it is way over budget. Check out Crystal Plaza and Addison Plaza.

Parents not on board..

Right now you are upset with your parents but down the road you are going to want and need their help, opinions, etc. I know it is your day but we all need to compromise somewhere. Maybe take your mom to look at a few venues in nj that you haven't looked at yet. Idk, I just think you are going to regret standing so firm on this issue. Good luck!!

Re: Parents not on board..

So sorry you are going through this! I didn't see the update at first...there are SO many beautiful places in NJ! My best friend is getting married at the Stone House in NJ and she doesn't have ANY family that lives there, so we're all going to travel for her wedding!

Hopefully your parents will come around, but if not, at the end of the day you're going to be marrying your best friend and having it at a different place isn't going to change that.

Good luck!!!

Parents not on board..

i dont know much about new jersey, however, i was just at a wedding at the imperia- idk if thats near you or not, however, it was an absolutely beyond amazing wedding!!!!

Parents not on board..

Thank you all! What we are going to end up doing is have the wedding in NJ (We're looking at Woodcliffe Manor), but decline the money they may offer again for the wedding. This way we are giving them what they want but making it clear that this is our wedding and we will have final say from here on out. (This is mostly to preserve FH's pride, as well as acknowledging that the way they acted was not acceptable for future situations.

Thanks again!

Parents not on board..

I can definitely understand your wanting to refuse their monetary help after all that's happened. At least you ended up having it in NJ like they wanted, and hey, there are plenty of beautiful places to have a wedding there!

Just try not to make a point of letting them know that they no longer have any say in your day, otherwise they might think you're being spiteful and continue to give you a hard time.

Parents not on board..

OH- of course! I am nothing if not cordial and polite. My parents will feel as involved as they wish, but they need to understand that I respect and take into consideration FH and FMIL's opinions.

Parents not on board..

So sorry you have to go through this. When I got engaged I thought it was going to be roses planning a wedding with both sides of the family but quickly found out a little compromise needs to happen in order to make everyone happy. You don't want to look back and remember only this dark period. I'm from the Bronx and FH is from queens. My church is in the Bronx but when FH and I looked at halls we looked at places we liked, not what's convienant for everyone. We finally found RH in great neck and when I told my parents, they too thought it was far for our guests to travel so I told my parents, people can travel for my wedding just like I've done for everyone else's wedding. when we took them there to see it, they realized it wasn't that far and they fell in love with the place
too. Maybe you can try and do the same thing? I know it's easier said then done but everything will work out in the end.

P.s. forgot to mention that many halls start Sunday wedding earlier than they used to which means they end earlier. Not sure if your Hall does this but if they do, try explaining that to your parents too. My parents are clueless about weddings today as the last wedding they went to was 10 yrs ago.

Parents not on board..

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I thought the wedding planning process would be fun, and I was also sorely mistaken. I know how it feels to have the bridal bubble popped.

What I can offer, whether it helps or not, is something my mother told me when we had a similar argument in regards to her inviting almost twice the number of guests FH and I are planning to.

She told me that while this is my wedding, it is a celebration for our entire family, and she wants to be able to share it with her family and friends that I may not know or be very close with, but who are important to her.

While I don't agree with her logic (I don't want half the people at my wedding to be people who I couldn't pick out of a line up), I understand where she's coming from, and they are helping financially, so I really can't argue too much with her.

I know it is hard, and the way your father reacted was hurtful and discouraging. Maybe you can sit down with your parents and explain to them that as much as you wanted to include them in the planning, the way they reacted, instead of discussing your options with you they accused you of leaving them out and having bad intentions, was inappropriate and hurtful and you felt like they didn't have your best interest at heart.

I hope wherever you choose to get married, you have a wonderful experience the rest of the way!!