FH called and hit me with a loaded statement. He wants to get some paper work stating that if something happens to him then his mother and I both have to share the decision making. He starts off asking me how I feel about that and then b4 I said anything he states that this is not debatable. I started off fine then I am slowly getting pissed. WHATS THE POINT IN ASKING MY OPINION IF IT IS NOT DEBATABLE? I really really dont know what to think but I have a weird feeling about this, I don't know why.
lilqtpie2181
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
OUCH!!!! thats tough situation. what kind of decision making are we talking about?
TnOiOnL
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
arrrgh.. yea it wasnt an opinion, definatly a statement...
I do understand his side of it though.. I personally would want my family to have input on big decisions like that in addition to FH... and vice versa- if something happened to him I would absolutely ask his family for input...
SoulMates422
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
I would never discount his families opinions but the fact that you have to write it down? I think that is what gets me! I am very old fashioned and religious and I don't think having contracts on paper is what getting married is all about. We are both military so anything can happen. But hey since we are writing contracts will there be a contract to help us pay our bills?
ef922
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
I don't know how I would feel about this. In one sense I think that you're going to be his wife and YOU should make the decisions...on the other hand...his family has been with him all his life and should have a say as well...ugh, tough one...I'm sorry I can't help
SoulMates422
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
Posted by ef922
I don't know how I would feel about this. In one sense I think that you're going to be his wife and YOU should make the decisions...on the other hand...his family has been with him all his life and should have a say as well...ugh, tough one...I'm sorry I can't help
I so agree with you but I think the fact that it has to be written down on paper makes me feel uncomfortable. Its as if there is a message thats being sent to me or maybe some mistrust.
neener1211
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
does he just want you both to be involved in making decisions with the military, or everything? This is something you need to work out. Right now FH has me and his parents on his military contact stuff, but once we are married, it will be just me.
JXNOscar
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
Um.... Two things: Get a lawyer to review this so called paperwork.
Does this mean if something happens to him she has equal say to his investments and money?
2nd thing: Does she have equal say in his children, home, what's entitled to you?
Sounds a little unusual to me. I wouldn't sign anything without speaking to your parents and lawyer.
BunnyBride
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
Posted by JXNOscar
Um.... Two things: Get a lawyer to review this so called paperwork.
Does this mean if something happens to him she has equal say to his investments and money?
2nd thing: Does she have equal say in his children, home, what's entitled to you?
Sounds a little unusual to me. I wouldn't sign anything without speaking to your parents and lawyer.
I agree...Seems a bit strange. Get a lawyer before you sign anything. Good luck
D's Girl
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
I agree, I would be a little uneasy about this as well. Does this mean you share as in equal, but what if one agrees and one disagrees, who has seniority?
I would def have a lawyer look it over and I would talk to you FH tonight in person and just get his feel on why he is thinking this is needed.
Sorry, but all I think about is that Terri Schaivo case when things like this come up and how horrible that battle was between the husband and parents. It is not a bad idea that he is having paperwork like this signed, but I think you need to ask the reason for the joint decison making.
AMANDA2378
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
YIKES!!! Honestly, I think I would Be really Hurt by that. I'm not gonna lie!! Sometimes, i feel like his parents come before me to begin with so if i was hit with something like this....that would put me over the top!!!!
Why ask how you feel if he wasnt open to discussion.
I would really take a minute and think about how you really feel and then talk to him about. find out his reasoning, Dont get me wrong both families are very important and should be able to give input or there feelings, but ultimately its your desicion....its gonna be your life together, not with his parents!!
Good luck
TnOiOnL
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
Posted by SoulMates422
I would never discount his families opinions but the fact that you have to write it down? I think that is what gets me! I am very old fashioned and religious and I don't think having contracts on paper is what getting married is all about. We are both military so anything can happen. But hey since we are writing contracts will there be a contract to help us pay our bills?
I agree with you 120%
eelharas4700
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
fh mentioned to me years ago (before we were engaged) the 'if anything should ever happen to me' he said to take care of his mom. I know all his finances and where everything is. I trust in him enough to take care of everything for me too. I don't think he'd take it all and run and leave my parents with nothing. But I do see how you could be bothered with it. I'm bothered by anything fh asks me for my opinion and in the end it never mattered what I thought. What's the point of asking me then?
HamptonsBride
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
It sounds like he's talking about a Living Will...meaning if he were injured and in a coma, what actions should be taken. My FH said he put his Mom & me on his...because he knows I would be too emtional to ever 'pull the plug' like he wants...and we laugh about it all the time (even though it's a serious topic)...I think he is just trying to do what's best for all concerned...I had no problems with his decision...i wouldn't want to be the sole decision maker with something like that!!
dplehat
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
First off and I would be pissed also. You will be his wife and you should make the decisions. Since he is insisting on this make certain it pertains only to HIS health. Not your money, children or investments. Second, both of you should have a living wills. I would have to guess this is a push from his family to have a say in his health decisions. Since you guys are military you are at a higher risk of having something happen to you (although I pray for the safety of all our military forces ). His mom may be afraid you will not go to extremes to keep him alive. This is where the living will comes in. You decide ahead of time what you want done. Do you want artificial life or not. Legally one person has to have a higher say. Otherwise there is no point to having it because if you disagree you will still end up in the courts. But again I am guessing it is a push from his mom. You need to discuss this with him further. You will be his wife and he needs to trust you ability to make decisions . Good luck and so sorry you are going through this.
SoulMates422
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
After not picking my phone up for FH calls, we finally talked. He said he realized what he said and asked of me and its not the right thing. He was just scared when his mom told him that she just got married. He started to think about how a stranger is going to have some sort of control if something happens b4 he, her older son will. He started to think about what happens if something happens and he is in a Vegetative state. He is so afraid of living like that and he does not want to break my heart by having me make that decision. I created a living will prior to me leaving for Iraq the first time, I never wanted my mom the woman whom gave me life having to make a decision to pull the plug. So now that FH explained himself I understand more, but I told him that he needed to understand that as someone whom loves him I will follow his wishes over my heart, if he needs a signed paper to prove that then we dont deserve to be married. He is also going to make a living will instead.... giving me full rights but he wants to note what he wants medically to happen. I am happy that this came out and we discussed it but I wish it would have come out in a better way.
dplehat
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
So glad to hear you too worked it out.
AeroJenn
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
Glad you worked it out. My FH is in the military also and when you posted this topic it sent up a red flag for me. We have discussed a Living Will also, and as far as I knwo, I will be the only one making decisions if he is injured. when you get married, your parents roles change and the husband/wife sort of takes their place when it comes to responsibility for them, decision making, etc.. FH and I both agree on that, thank God, but everyone's situation is diffferent in what they would want. I'm really glad you got that worked out between you two
danibrwneyes
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
I would kinda be pissed..But here is the thing, some of the other girls mentioned a living will is what this sounds like. What I would say is let him make you the primary for the Living Will and Health care proxy. Let him have his wishes on what he would want done to him on paper and then let his mother be the secondary proxy if you for any reason were not able to make these decisions. Just also tell him you would never cast aside their feelings as long as you follow his wishes. But remind him you are going to be his WIFE.
LICARRIE
Posted:
Member since
Re: pissed or not pissed
I personally would be pissed. I would not sign anything with out legal help Good Luck
