please help me

Hi girls,

I made another account bc this is just too much and I need help.

My wedding is coming up in about a month and a half -

My FH and I have been arguing so much lately.....I would understand if it was just stupid fights, but he is criticizing my family, he criticizes me, he is just getting SO annoying. I cant take it anymore. I feel if I marry him I will deal with this everyday. He has shown some signs in the past, but I thought I Could deal with it. Now, its just too much and I am afraid I CANT!!! I spent all day crying. I feel disrespected and unappreciated. I dont know what to do. My sisters told me they warned me. I know its my own decision but i am terrified. I feel like this is a nightmare, not the happiest time of my life. I am scared I will be controlled at all times if I do get married. I am hurt. I tried speaking to him and he would not accept responsibility. When he did accept a little bit of it, he then went back to his ways denying everything. I feel helpless. I feel like I ruined the past 3.5 years with him. I feel sick. I feel like I dont have a best friend. I dont want to cry anymore. I tried talking to him but he annoyed me so much I have chest pain. I Dont know what to do.

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Posted by Jennielee15

I hate to say this but it's JMHO.... if you have to ask if it's over then it's over. Just be happy that you came to this conclusion before the wedding!

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I agree. If your having enough doubts to be crying and asking for this type of advice you probably already know your answer.

No one can make the decision except for you, but don't get married because its so close or anything like that. Get married because this is the person you want to spend the REST of your life with. It's easier to back it now then it will be to get a divorce down the road.

My good friend's mother (married for 30+ years)once gave me this advice 'it only gets harder as time goes on, so if you're not blissfully happy now, it will only get more difficult'

That stuck with me, and I'll never forget it. Hope that helps.

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Posted by Jennielee15

I hate to say this but it's JMHO.... if you have to ask if it's over then it's over. Just be happy that you came to this conclusion before the wedding!

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I 100% agree. It is so much better to realize this NOW then wait until after the wedding.

We are here for you, take a deep breath and listen to yourself. I think you know what you need to you.

I have to agree you already know that it is not working and to me no one deserves to be disrespected especially before their wedding. If he doesn't think he has a problem then he most likely will not ever think he has one.

I think you answered your own question

I'm sorry

I know it's easier said than done to decide not to marry someone.

On the other side, I watched someone marry a person who we knew was bad news for her... and she didn't realize it until they were 2 years in. The divorce was complicated and messy and they were STILL out all the money they spent on the wedding, KWIM?

That said, only you know... it doesn't get easier after your married... but is he stressed? Not that it's an excuse, but does he just handle stress really badly?

He should probably know in a non-attacking, non yelling way that the things he's sayng are making you feel this way. That you're more worried about your relationship than you are mad at him (right?)If he writes you off,t hat's an indication of how important things are going to go for the rest of your life... is that what you want?
But maybe he'll be responsive... maybe he'll say he's wrong and it's stress... in which case he needs to work on it. It's not an excuse, but it's a beginning to a recovery. You have to decide whether you're ready to deal with that.

FH and I have our moments,everyone does, but I have never once doubted his respect or value for me. He treats me better than I treat myself. I feel like that's what everyone should have before they agreee to a lifelong committment. Obviously you're already thinking hard about this, but try to get a clear head and think about it lucidly. Maybe find a good friend who will be honest with you and talk about it with them.

I'm really sorry you're going through this now... but better now than this time next year. Please think carefully about this. And again, easier said than done, but do NOT weigh the money you've spent or the fact that you might feel embarrassed calling off the wedding... those things will not matter in relation to your sanity and emotional health for the rest of your life. Be strong, good luck.

JL - thanks,
I know hes stressed. Im just so sick of asking him this week to be nicer to me.

He should call and see how Im feeling right now but hes not. Earlier he said Im his soul mate, etc. but I dont see any actions. He did call me, but then again hung up on me.

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Posted by jgold910

You have already answered your own questions. You shouldn't have to and don't want to settle just b/c you put down payments on things for your wedding. Your mental state and happiness is more important! If you feel like you've wasted 3.5 years - then think of the next 50! I hate to say it but I feel like from your comments you know what you have to do! HTH Good luck!!!!!

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I totally agree with this.

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Posted by BrideAS

My good friend's mother (married for 30+ years)once gave me this advice 'it only gets harder as time goes on, so if you're not blissfully happy now, it will only get more difficult'

That stuck with me, and I'll never forget it. Hope that helps.

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I agree

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Posted by JLWSJC

I know it's easier said than done to decide not to marry someone.

On the other side, I watched someone marry a person who we knew was bad news for her... and she didn't realize it until they were 2 years in. The divorce was complicated and messy and they were STILL out all the money they spent on the wedding, KWIM?

That said, only you know... it doesn't get easier after your married... but is he stressed? Not that it's an excuse, but does he just handle stress really badly?

He should probably know in a non-attacking, non yelling way that the things he's sayng are making you feel this way. That you're more worried about your relationship than you are mad at him (right?)If he writes you off,t hat's an indication of how important things are going to go for the rest of your life... is that what you want?
But maybe he'll be responsive... maybe he'll say he's wrong and it's stress... in which case he needs to work on it. It's not an excuse, but it's a beginning to a recovery. You have to decide whether you're ready to deal with that.

FH and I have our moments,everyone does, but I have never once doubted his respect or value for me. He treats me better than I treat myself. I feel like that's what everyone should have before they agreee to a lifelong committment. Obviously you're already thinking hard about this, but try to get a clear head and think about it lucidly. Maybe find a good friend who will be honest with you and talk about it with them.

I'm really sorry you're going through this now... but better now than this time next year. Please think carefully about this. And again, easier said than done, but do NOT weigh the money you've spent or the fact that you might feel embarrassed calling off the wedding... those things will not matter in relation to your sanity and emotional health for the rest of your life. Be strong, good luck.

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Very well said and ITA.

Is this new behavior tho? Or has he shown signs in the past? If this is new, it could be the stress over the wedding. But if hes shown signs of this kind of behavior in the past and its recently gotten worse, its not a good sign of what you have to look forward to in the future. Stress can make people act crazy and out of character, but life is full of stress. If he mistreats you everytime hes stressed, its going to be a rough marriage.

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Posted by JLWSJC

I know it's easier said than done to decide not to marry someone.

On the other side, I watched someone marry a person who we knew was bad news for her... and she didn't realize it until they were 2 years in. The divorce was complicated and messy and they were STILL out all the money they spent on the wedding, KWIM?

That said, only you know... it doesn't get easier after your married... but is he stressed? Not that it's an excuse, but does he just handle stress really badly?

He should probably know in a non-attacking, non yelling way that the things he's sayng are making you feel this way. That you're more worried about your relationship than you are mad at him (right?)If he writes you off,t hat's an indication of how important things are going to go for the rest of your life... is that what you want?
But maybe he'll be responsive... maybe he'll say he's wrong and it's stress... in which case he needs to work on it. It's not an excuse, but it's a beginning to a recovery. You have to decide whether you're ready to deal with that.

FH and I have our moments,everyone does, but I have never once doubted his respect or value for me. He treats me better than I treat myself. I feel like that's what everyone should have before they agreee to a lifelong committment. Obviously you're already thinking hard about this, but try to get a clear head and think about it lucidly. Maybe find a good friend who will be honest with you and talk about it with them.

I'm really sorry you're going through this now... but better now than this time next year. Please think carefully about this. And again, easier said than done, but do NOT weigh the money you've spent or the fact that you might feel embarrassed calling off the wedding... those things will not matter in relation to your sanity and emotional health for the rest of your life. Be strong, good luck.

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ITA with all of this. Follow your heart on this decision.

Hi all,

so FH came over and my fam and him all discussed the situation. FH was quiet and was not happy w the situation (no one else is either), I told him unless we go to counseling Im not proceeding w the wedding, he agreed to go.

I guess thats a good step bc he wouldnt agree if he did not care. I know he doesnt know how to express himself but I made my boundaries clear to him tonight. WE shall see what tomorrow brings....

thank you for your ideas and feedback, feel free to continue and i will update.

Its so scary bc at times I know hes my soulmate and othertimes I think the opposite

I have had some issues with FH. It's inevitable. We've been together almost 12 years and been through some VERY difficult times. We went to therapy and it helped a LOT. One thing I have to tell you was that in our experience I felt like therapy made things seem worse before they got better. For us, we had been together so long and it exposed YEARS of issues and resentments which we had to process and work through. There were times i felt the weight of them all and feared we'd never get out from under it, but we definitely made it through. I just want you to know that therapy is not a band aid and it will be HARD.

It's also very easy for people to post online about how they'd never stay with someone if this were the case or that were the case, but truly NO relationship is perfect, and only you and FH can decide what the right steps are.

in all honesty, it could be all the stress of the wedding getting to you both. however if he continues to treat you like this and doesnt apologize i think u should reconsider this whole thing and decide if you are marrying him because you love him just teh way he is or you are getting married to get married and its too late to turn back now. weddings are amazing but the most important part is that you are marrying the love of your life. you dont want to look back at this time in regret. try talking to him and talking to your pastor/minister whomever is marrying you guys and maybe get some counseling but definitely think about what is best for you! good luck and let us know if you need anything