please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

Original post by melissa27

Jul 02, 2003 03:20 PM

UGH! I am so upset.
My husband is a SPOILED BRAT and I cannot stand it. A little background: He has been in school to be a chiropractor for 3 years now and is graduating in 6 months. I've been supporting us on my measly teacher's salary since we first moved in together (3 years ago). (He doesn't work, and I don't expect him to because he's in school for like 12 hours a day.) Anyway, he always 'wants' things...I call them pipe dreams. He's very materialistic like that...he HAS to have the nice car, nice this, nice that...
The latest is that he wants a motorcycle. Keep in mind that he already has one, a 1971 Honda that his Dad gave him last year. He has spent tons of MY money fixing it up (I know it's 'our' money, but still...I'm the one working). Recently, he got it into his head that he just needs a new one, because this is the 'only time in his life' when he can ride it with his friends and 'show off' (don't know where he got that from, as his Dad is 55 and wants a motorcycle too). ANYWAY, I informed him that he may NOT get one, as I am out of work right now and we have absolutely NO income coming in. We are cutting back everywhere, and there is NO way we can afford $8,000 on something so unnecessary. Besides, I cannot stand motorcycles and think they are super dangerous. (I hate the fact that he already has one too.) Well, I just got a phone call from him; he bought a freakin BRAND NEW motorcycle without bothering to consult me (maybe because he knew what I'd say). WHAT A JERK!! I am in shock that he would do this...what the ****!?! I don't even want to speak to him. How could he do this when we have NO money???? I know, it's because his STUPID ANNOYING FATHER is lending him the money until he gets a job. I think they are forgetting that when my husband does get a job, I am NOT going to be working, we are going to be buying a house, etc...we won't have 'extra' money just laying around. How inconsiderate and immature and irresponsible can one person be?
I don't have anyone to talk to...if I tell my mom, she will absolutely flip out. I tried talking to my MIL, but she was like, 'well honey, I can understand where he's coming from...you got a new baby and now he wants something new too...' WHAT THE #@&% !?!? IT'S OUR BABY, NOT JUST MINE.
AAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! Please help, I don't know what to do. I feel like packing my bags and grabbing Lyndsey and leaving.

Jeanene Posted: Jul 03, 2003 12:56 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

I am so sorry that you are going through this!

Your DH had no right to make the decision on his own. I would recommend strongly telling him how you feel. Let him know that it is unacceptable for him to take on debt without both of your agreements. This is a really important issue - and I agree with the other opinions posted - you should consider financial counseling and possibly marital counseling.

Hang in there - I know it is not easy!

shamma Posted: Jul 03, 2003 01:35 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

The bike needs to go back, what was he really thinking, oh he wasn't thinking. I would understand if it was a car, this man is a family man, what does ne need with a new bike. I think you both need to discuss this and return it, there is no money in the household for unecessaries like a bike. My goodness man, what are you thinking

MIL has to deal with his dad so she knows exactly what you are going thru, but she is stupid to compare the baby to the bike...clueless.

All the best sweetie.

MSCJLK Posted: Jul 03, 2003 01:48 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

I totally agree with Shamma.. the bike needs to go back. If his father was so willing to part with the money for the bike.. that money can buy alot of dipers and other stuff the baby needs...

Oh and you MIL she must live in the small little fantasy world where she does not stand up to her husband / son. she does realize that it did take two of you to create this special person...

if I were you IMO. i would tell him what he can do with the bike. and I would take Jennbaby up on her offer.. as morbid as it seems. And tell him you don't want to be emplaining to your daughter one day what happened to Daddy ...

just stand your ground on this one...

melissa27 Posted: Jul 03, 2003 03:20 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

Thank you SO much ladies...I really appreciate all of your support!!!

Well, when DH got home last night we fought over this for quite a while...I even had him read my post on here and all of your responses, so that he could see that EVERY woman out there would be as ****ed as I am. Well, that was a mistake, because he thinks I made him sound like a complete ***hole (which he is not, he is normally a great husband and father). He told me that I didn't mention how he was working part time for a while to bring home some extra money...sorry for leaving that out, but he was only making enough to allow us to go out to dinner once in a while. Not enough to finance his dream bike. He thinks I made it sound like he stole MY money to buy the bike...which he didn't, he is 'borrowing' the money from his dad, but that's not the point. The point is that I don't want to start off our life after his graduation being in an extra $8000+ worth of debt. Hell, we are already going to be over $100,000 in debt from his schooling, plus we will need a mortgage to buy a house next year. I also do not think that a motorcycle is a necessity, no matter HOW bad he wants one...he has a family now to support! Hey, we all want things in life that we can't have. He is a spolied brat in my mind and at this point, I am almost more mad at his parents for supporting this, despite the fact that they KNEW how against this I was. So, I told Mike that this has officially ruined my relationship with his parents...they are no longer welcome in this home, and I will NOT be visiting them with Lyndsey. Well - that about killed my DH. It is soooo important to him for me to have a good relationship with his family that he was almost in tears when I said this. TOO BAD. That's how I really feel. I am so sick and tired of his mother taking his side constantly. So, my ultimatum to him is this: Get rid of the bike, or your family will never see Lyndsey. Maybe that's mean of me, but I don't care. We'll see what happens. I doubt he'll get rid of the bike. He says it's too late and he'll sell it next year and repay his dad with the profit so we'll hardly owe any money. Nope, sorry.

On the bright side, he is completely KISSING MY ASS...he cleaned our apartment, washed dishes, folded laundry...HA! It's going to take a bit more than ass kissing to get outta this one!

Thanks again girls...I will keep you updated!

LisaT Posted: Jul 03, 2003 03:51 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

I came into this a little late but, I'm glad you're feeling better.

No offense, but I'm afraid you're using your in-laws as scapegoats for your husband's behavior. He's a big boy and has to take responsibility for his own actions. You really can't put the blame on his parents for something HE did, even if they supported his decision.

I agree you have issues with them, and have a right to be angry (at his mom's comments and their lack of respect for your position) but I think you're directing all your anger at them to get your DH off the hook.

Cutting them out of your life, and Lyndsey's could be a big mistake for everyone. She deserves to know her grandparents. I'm not a big fan of ultimatums in general or of using your child as a pawn to get what you want.

Don't get the wrong idea - I am TOTALLY on your side about the bike issue, I'm just trying to look at the bigger picture. Good luck!

HeatherandNick Posted: Jul 03, 2003 04:02 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

to you and Lindsey, Melissa.
Nick went through the same thing this year. He wanted to build a new bike, even though he already has one. He and I discussed this for a looong time and went over finances to see if it was doable. We found out we could do it, so long as he sold his jet ski - which he did right away. If he would have gone behind my back, I would have been pi$$ed too.

As far as your MIL goes - she must live in a bubble

melissa27 Posted: Jul 03, 2003 04:34 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

Thanks Heather and Lisa...

I understand what you are saying LisaT...but don't forget, his parents aren't just 'supporting' Mike's choice to get a bike, they are FINANCING it. They have known for years how much I hate motorcycles, especially the 'crotch rocket' type that Mike has purchased. ( The bike he already has is OLD and doesn't go fast, although it still scares me. This new one is more dangerous. ) They are paying for it (for now at least) because he wants something 'new' and you know, I have a 'new' baby and all, so he deserves something...it's pretty pathetic. I do not want to estrange my daughter from them AT ALL, but they have to know that I am furious and will not tolerate this. Thank you for your viewpoint.

LnP2003 Posted: Jul 03, 2003 04:52 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

I'm not goin to repeat what everyone else has said because I totally agree with them, but I do want to give you a big fat squishy .

I'm dealing with the same thing with Pete.... I told him that the only way he will ever be allowed to purchase a bike is if I go on it every time he rides! - He'll never get one on that condition cuz that means he can't ride it the way he wants to!

Be strong sweetheart, and make them cancel the order... it can be done!!!

Claud2001 Posted: Jul 03, 2003 04:58 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

Melissa Again, I am so sorry this is happening. I totally admire your conviction, and think you should stick to your guns. On the outset, it does seem 'harsh' to forbid your ILs from seeing Lyndsey, but they are not doing much to see the situation from your point of view.

It is my opinion that they are meddeling in your marriage to have financially contributed to your husband BLATANTLY going against your wishes. It does not matter the least bit that your DH says he will re-pay the loan or sell the bike for that matter. The single biggest mistake he made was going behind your back to purchase something that you obviously did not have a say in. And, I appreciate the fact that he has a part-time job, but when it comes to $100K+ of debt, adding another $8K to that when you do not own a house or any equity on a real estate property yet is just financially irresponsible.

I'm so sympathetic to your situation, Melissa. I am so sorry this is happening. I hope you are able to work out a solution together, so that your marriage and Lyndsey do not suffer in the long term.

Jenn P Posted: Jul 03, 2003 05:27 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

Melissa, I just checked in to see how you were doing and I think I agree with a combination of what Claud and Lisa said. I believe his parents deserve some of the blame, just the way a bank would if they knowingly loaned money to someone with a dubious ability to pay it back. However, it does appear that DH's getting off easy. The punishment doesn't seem to have been doled out evenly. If you're going to cut ILs off from Lyndsey you should at least deny DH sex for a while.... Just kidding, sort of. My point is that DH needs to face the consequences as badly as his parents. If he doesn't realize what a big mistake he made he will do this again with another toy after the 'your' second baby, 'your' house, etc.

Good luck with this. I truly hope he shows you lots of remorse and lots of promises to never do this again...and I hope that bike goes back.

melissa27 Posted: Jul 03, 2003 06:16 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

Well, he just went to pick up the bike...so much for my argument. Just so you know, he is NOT getting off easy. I am still just as furious with him now as I was yesterday. I still have not really come to a decision about what to do here...

I also think I mis-spoke in my follow up post. I really do not want to 'cut off' my in-laws from seeing Lyndsey. I do not want to start a war, either. However, I do not want them in my home (they are supposed to be visiting us next weekend) because I do not think I will be able to be civil to them. They, along with my husband, 'just don't get it.' They do not understand what the big deal is. Ugh, it's so frustrating!

DH is showing remorse - only somewhat though. He does not see this situation the way I see it. He is bringing up things from the past...such as the time (2 years ago) that I got a new car. Well, I had $10,000 saved, my old car was on the fritz, I was working full time AND we didn't have anyone else to worry about (ie, Lyndsey). How are the two situations even comparable??

Thanks again everyone for your responses...I hope I'm not being annoying by posting this here.

Claud2001 Posted: Jul 03, 2003 06:26 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

Melissa, do not apologize for posting. If you need support, we are here for you! Personally, I think your DH is grasping at straws to compare your car purchase to the bike purchase. Does he have another vehicle for transportation to and from school? Then the bike is NOT a necessity.

I really believe the bottom line here is he lack of maturity. I just don't understand how he can justify this if he is financially not able to put a roof (that you own) over yours and Lyndsey's heads. The fact that buying a home is supposed to be in your plans for next year is a red alert - I would not put my name on a mortgage along with a man who shows such grossly irresponsible behavior financially. JMO.

LisaT Posted: Jul 03, 2003 06:56 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

Don't for one second apologize for posting or think you're annoying us. We are here for you! I'm so sorry you're going through this.

anna Posted: Jul 03, 2003 07:26 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

Melissa, dont apologize! We're here for you! vent sweetie !

Make him get rid of the bike !

Stacey1403 Posted: Jul 03, 2003 08:05 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

I can't give you any better advice than what you have already gotten so I send your way!!! Good luck!

phyl Posted: Jul 04, 2003 02:48 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

hi mel=- I'm sooo sorry that this is happening- looks like a very harsh WAKE up CALL is due to your hubby.
I hate to say this, but I dont know how easy it will be for you two to get a m ortage if you are $108,000 or thereabouts in debt. What bank is going to take on a risk like that? ( I dont mean to be cruel- just opening eyes here)
tell him to Grow up- and bring it back. it is NOT too late...or get someone to help you and bring it back yourself. (rough I know...when u have a baby to handle.) the dealership will have to understand especailly if you bring Lindsey with you!

then tell his parents- thanks but no thanks for financing the bike..maybe they can hold onto the money and use give it to hubby next time as part of a down payment on a HOME!

Rob dreams about a harley too. Told him when he gets one...better make sure I get my own as well! I dont want to ride on back or in a sidecar

but he realizes that it IS a dream-..maybe in the distant future. Dreams are something you work toward NOT swipe and get behind your spouse's back

Again- JMO...I mean it all in kindness. Maybe he REALLY did not realize what a big mistake he is making...and how much more of a man he will be in your eyes if he rights this wrong?

cluelessbride Posted: Jul 04, 2003 05:04 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

Some people recommend an amount - say, $100 per month - that each person in a marriage can spend without consulting the other one. (This is for frivilous purchases, not bills!) Maybe here on out he can agree on that? That major purchases need joint approval?

He needs to get his priorities in order.

Look out for yourself and your baby.

(PS I don't usually post here because I'm not TTC ;m not even amrried yet) but I have fertility problems, so I'm always interested in parenthood in the hopes I'll be there someday. Just letting you know why I'm here.)

eternityawaits Posted: Jul 05, 2003 10:22 PM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

I'm so sorry for you!! My FH is also a 'spoiled brat' and behaves exactly the same way. I completely understand what you're going through - he just leased a new truck that he can barely afford 3 months before our wedding and is going to put us seriously in debt, even though he had a 2000 Civic before!

As for your MIL - I hate to tell you, but expect those kind of answers. It is completely my FMIL's fault that my FH is such a brat and she has done nothing to control him either.
Hang in there!!

2003OCT10 Posted: Jul 06, 2003 02:18 AM

Re: please help...I'm going to KILL my husband

I would ask him to sell it and then i would shoot my MIL... It was wrong of him to purchase the bike knowing your opinions of the situation. I would also ask him where his priorities are. Yes, once he starts working he will be pulling in an awesome chunk of change. But right now finances are strapped. You live on Long Island for petes sake!! I would definately make him aware that his priorities may need a severe hip check. Then I would talk to your FIL... tell him how you feel, and let him know that his decision interfered with the previous decision you and ur hubby made. (or you made).. which was not to make any costly mistakes. Then I would ask him (ur FIL) if he plans on putting your down payment on your house or paying ur electric. Since Hubby has to pay off the Bike one bill's gotta suffer no? Play hardball, without playing dirty. I would definately speak w/ ur FIL though. Good Luck