Please tell me if I'm being ridiculous..... (kinda long)

i know i don't post much on here but I'm really upset by something that my mother did and she's telling me to not be so serious and to grow up.

Back in October she had a lung cancer scare (she smokes 3 packs a day) they removed a piece of her lung and it turned out not to be cancer. She quit for a few months and things were good. Now my dad isn't around so i asked her to walk me down the aisle. She was so honored and cried and was very excited.
My shower rolls around and I see her sneaking outside w/ a cigarette in her hand. of all places - my shower?? Apparently she started smoking again. I was fuming but of course couldn't make a scene in front of my family.
I had a talk w/ her and told her that she needs to quit and if she doesn't then she will not be walking me down the aisle. I know - a little harsh but I did it with then intentions that this would be a big reason for her to quit again. She swore and promised up and down that by the time the wedding comes she will not be smoking - well here we are 9 DAYS before and guess who's still smoking!!! When i confronted her about it she told me to grow up and stop being selfish.
Oh and I should add that since i've been engaged she's begged to help me do stuff for the wedding. WELL i counted on her to do stuff for me and she turns around yesterday and says 'sorry i didn't have time' - and you're waiting till the day before I have to drop stuff off at the hall to tell me this?? She's doesn't work so i don't know what she's been so busy doing... So i 've been up till 2am all d*mn week doing all the sh*t she promised she would do and never did.
Am i wrong here? This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life and she's f-ing ruining it.

Honestly? It's really hard to quit smoking...I wouldn't hold it over her head. Let her walk you down the aisle!

FH smoked for years before I met him. When we started dating I said I refused to date a smoker. He tried quitting so many times, and he'd do it for weeks or months at a time, and then slip back. Finally, when he decided he needed to quit for HIM (not for me or us) is when he was able to kick the habit. It's been about 5 or 6 months now and he's DONE. He can't even stand the smell of smoke anymore.

What really helped him was Chantix. He tried quitting cold turkey, the patch, gum, everything. He even had to do 2 rounds on Chantix (about a year apart) because after the first time, he wasn't truly ready to quit. Nothing worked until he really wanted to stop. I bet it's the same for your mom. Don't cut her out of your wedding b/c of a habit that she's struggling with.

I totally understand why you are upset!
honestly i think she is being selfish because you are just worried she could have another scare again or worse!
i dont know what its like to quit smoking because i never really smoked...but i do know its hard. my mom quit last year and she had to take perscription medication to do so! and even after the medication was done it was still hard for her to stay off them!
this is a hard situation, but i wouldnt not let her walk you down tho!
have a heart to heart with her and tell her that you are upset because you dont wanna lose her!
maybe that will get her to finally quit!

Whereas I understand your fear of her getting sick from smoking, it is really hard to quit.

I'm not a cigarette smoker... but just about every single person I know is. Including my mother and FH. My mother has been smoking FOREVER!!!! I don't think she will ever ever ever quit!! Ever since I met FH he smoked and I nagged and nagged him to quit. He wanted to quit but always said he wasn't ready. I believe that overall it's not that everyone WANTS to smoke or WANTS to get sick from it... but they just can't seem to stop because it's an ADDICTION! Then FH would say... this new years or this holiday or before the wedding. He always had some sort of new deadline that came and went. His newest plan is to quit July 1st. He doesn't anticipate having 2 full time jobs anymore and when he quits one... well the money won't be there like now... so in an effort to save money he has decided to quit. He called 311 and got the patches. I'm scared his dumb a$$ will smoke on the patches!!! But hopefully this is what gets him to quit.

It's sad when people have scares like that and they still don't quit afterwards; you would think that would knock some sense or fear into them enough so that they had it in them to quit. But you can't make her quit.. she has to do it on her own and she has to be ready for it.

Giving her an altimatum might be a good idea... but I wouldn't actually go through with it. It's good to give her a reason to want to quit and maybe even scare her into quitting. But if that doesn't work you can't hold it against her. It's her life, her decision. I'm sorry.

no u r not being ridiculous at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my fh smokes he is trying to quit i gave him an ultimatum i am not walking down that aisle if he is still a smoker . i WILL NOT subject myself and my children to that disgusting habit. i grew up in a house filled with smoke and it was awful all the kids at school made fun of me. many family members quit and yes it was the hardest thing but everyone CAN DO IT !!! it may friggun suck but they can do it! its just like a diet its very very very hard to kick an addiction ... but everyone should continue to try and if you dont then you are lazy and selfish , obv. we are all in some way , i am not putting people/smokers down .

my mother had a STROKE at 41!!!! she is unable to speak/walk do anything forever. all because of us smoking !!!

stand by your choice and let her know its not ok with you !

sorry this subject obv. hits home a lil

Honestly, I don't think you are being ridiculous but you should not expect that an ultimatum is going to work. Your mother is an adult and she has and always will make her own decisions. I understand that you are worried for her health, especially after the scare you had months back, but threatening her is not going to do anything.

I was a smoker for a long time. I quit and then I went back to it full time. Then I slowly cut myself down to 3 a day and then I cut it down to a 'social thing'. You have to be ready to quit smoking. If she is not ready (health scare or not) then there is nothing you can say or do that will make her quit.

Just express your concern but not in a threatening type of way and let her walk you down the aisle.

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Posted by nraboni

Honestly, I don't think you are being ridiculous but you should not expect that an ultimatum is going to work. Your mother is an adult and she has and always will make her own decisions. I understand that you are worried for her health, especially after the scare you had months back, but threatening her is not going to do anything.

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ITA.

I think your mother was probably really hurt you said she couldnt walk you down the aisle. Quitting smoking is very hard for peopl (yes I was a smoker). Instead of giving her an ultimatum maybe you can talk to her about getting the pill that helps her stop.

I think you are right to be concerned about her health but went about it the wrong way. By not letting her walk you down the aisle I think you are hurting her and yourself. You will probably look back and regret the decision.

Let me start by saying I am sorry you have this stress right before your day.

While it may be difficult to stop smoking, a cancer scare SHOULD be enough to make it easy. I am sorry to all the smokers on the board but it is a FATAL habit.

I lost an uncle to lung cancer in 2003 and my aunt who was a pack a day smoker had a massive stroke at 48 and passed away in March. She will not be with me on my day and a reason for that is her smoking habit. I miss her everday and cannot imagine my day with out her.

Smoking Kills people PERIOD. I dont want to sound like one of those Truth ad's but the facts are the facts.

Your mother may be an adult but you LOVE her and want her to be around not JUST for your wedding but for your children's weddings as well. Have an intervention, give her an ultimatum , throw her cigs in the garbage DO WHAT EVER you have to do to help her stop!!!!!

You dont need to grow up, she does. I am not trying to be rude but I have a strong stance on the issue....what will it take for her to stop a full blown diagnosis ...

You will be in my prayers

HTH
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ETA: I have never smoked in my life so I cant imagine how hard it is to quit BUT if it meant the possibility of me not being with FH and my family/ friends then I'd do whatever I had to do to stop...JMO didnt mean to offend.

Thanks Girls.
This isn't the first time i've been through this with my mother. She's tried everything - i mean everything. She even went as far as paying over 500 bucks to get hypnotized and lit up as soon as she walked out the door. You're all 100% right that you can't make someone stop unless they want to. She's def not ready to quit yet but I can't let that be the reason why she gets to miss out on her grandchildren one day. I keep pushing her to help her get some willpower.
She has a terrible smokers cough that makes ppl's heads turn when they hear it. it kills me to see her doing this to herself that i can't just sit back and do nothing. So far everyone in my family that has passed away -its been b/c of lung cancer.
I didn't really give her an ultimatum. I haven't actually said to her 'you're not walking me down the aisle'. I was hoping she would see the importance in this herself and make a change. Having 'talks' with her doesn't work. I've seriously tried everything and i get nowhere - i don't know what else to do.
And maybe i'm being a little selfish too but everytime she starts smoking I have to hear it from all my family. Only a few ppl know she's smoking again. I really don't want this to be the topic at my wedding.

I don't think you're being ridiculous at all. I quit smoking 3 years ago. Before that I had smoked for 10 years, quit for a year, smoked for another 5 and then finally quit. Everyone else is right, you can't quit for someone else, the person must be ready to stop. The first time I quit, I used patches. The last time I quit, I did it cold turkey. I was finally ready to say goodbye to smoking forever and haven't looked back.

As far as your mother walking you down the aisle, I know you're mad and you have every right to be. However, think about it. Do you want to think back on your day and look at your pictures and see your mom walking you down the aisle? If so, I would say even though you're angry with her, let her walk you down the aisle. It will be an important memory to both of you.