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please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

Original post by confused&sad

I am posting under an assumed name - I post frequently on here, but I am embarrassed to let people know this about my family.

My parents are divorced and both are remarried. Mom and dad DO NOT get along. At all. Neither do their spouses, depsite being in the picture for many, many years.

My stepfather, although we've had issues in the past, has taken an active role in the wedding planning and supports our wedding and my mom's role in it. (Mom is so excited). In the past, my stepsisters (stepfather's daughters) left my mom, me and my sister completely out of their weddings, (not even invited or acknowledged as family members in any way) which hurt my mom deeply. (All is better now - lots of talking). Mom and stepdad are contributing to wedding.

My father, with whom I also had issues due to the divorce, has only recently struck up a good relationship with me. My stepmother wants only to be treated as a guest at our wedding, purportedly to not step on anyone's toes. Dad and stepmom are contributing to wedding.

My FH's parents are also contributing too, and are very supportive of, our wedding.

In the air of inclusiveness, I wanted to have all the parents (including stepparents) named on the invite, to honor their active role in supporting us in this important commitment, and because FH and I love all six of our parents very much (despite stepmom's lack of interest).

Yesterday, my dad told me he would be totally angry with me and not speak to me if my stepdad's name was ANYWHERE on the invite. He even said at one point he might not even COME if my stepdad was acknowledged on the invite.

So, what would you all do? I and my FH want all the parents named, my mom will be hurt if stepdad is left off, but my dad will be hurt if he's on. (Dad has no problem with stepmom being left off - b/c he says only biological parents should be on the invite.)

I tried the 'it's our day' line, and he said, no it's not - its your day and your parents day.

Please help. This is so ridiculous - I just can't stand the fighting anymore. (Mom and stepdad's role, or lack thereof, has been big issue with dad all along.) Any advice would be very helpful. TIA.
Blu-ize Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Sorry Long)

That really sucks...he needs to get over it and fast. How about you tell him that it's your way or the highway? What do you think he'll do?
Sassyz75 Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Sorry Long)

what if you listed Mr & Mrs XYZ and Mr & Mrs XYZ- so his 'name' isn't listed...

anjerandunder Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Sorry Long)

i think its great that you are going to talk to your stepdad..it might make him feel even more important if you share the dilemma with him..good luck and i'm sorry that people have to be so selfish even on your day.

Dooodles Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Sorry Long)

Posted by DebMaher

If your dad is really being such a ***
the reason I like this one:
Mother and Father Remarried Jointly Issue Invitations
Mrs. Thomas K. Douglas
Mr. Philip Paul Johnson
requests the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Susan Anne Johnson
is because it lists biological parents but totally acknowledges stepdad. As in Mrs. Thomas Douglas is her new married name...


I actually like this one. It sends an F' you to your dad in a delicate kind of way. He is completely being an a$$ here. We all want to please the ones we love and we end up miserable at the end. Life is short, make yourself happy - try to have a talk with your dad - hopefully calmly with no raised voices. If he cannot be reasonable, then I would do whatever makes YOU and FH happy.
Maribelle7777 Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Sorry Long)

It sounds to me like is making it a 'she's my daughter and not yours' issue. And that he's just being a baby and bitter about everything. He's remarried, your mom is remarried...let it go, at least for your big day.
Your father needs to get over it. If your Stepdad is partially paying then his name should be on it or otherwise included in the 'the families of' or 'together with their families'.

Or order 2 sets of invitations - I mean does he REALLY think that anyone is actually going to look at the invitation and go 'omg So and So's name is on there with OUR son/brother/uncle?' or 'omg it says 'together with our parents/families'?? If so then his family has issues too.

It's a shame that he cannot put aside his feelings for one event, to make YOU happy.

I do have to say that I agree w/ Dad's 2nd wife - it's better for her to be a guest and not step on any toes. I'm sure you can take pics of her and have her involved in other ways to make it special
BriBri529 Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Sorry Long)

Posted by StepherG

Maybe you can do only your dad's and mom's name on the invite and then do a program and thank everyone who contributed in that.


Hope this helps...


This is a nice idea
confused&sad Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

So, here's the good news. I called my mom, and she said - 'honey, i love you and love (FH) and am so excited that you're getting married. It's yours and FH's day - do whatever makes you happy.' Yea! for mom and stepdad.

FH and I thought long and hard about it, and for many reasons, among them being that we are tired of having a family kept divided by dad's bitterness, we are tired of my dad throwing temper tantrums to get what he wants, and, most importantly, we wanted to present on our invite what we thought OUR wedding represents to us - a creation of our own new family, and a merging of our families. After all, it's our wedding right?

Well, wrong. Dad called tonight, and after we told him we wanted our invite to have all six parents represented, he says he wants no part of this wedding, is not paying a dime towards it (putting us $10,000 more in the hole - we wouldn't have had this big wedding if we couldn't afford it, but all vendors are booked and STDs are out - nothing can be changed), and will probably not even come.

So, I guess there's no advice to give. But some hugs would be appreciated, if it's ok to ask. I just thought some people might want to know.
Katherine121 Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)



Major Hugs! Keep your chin up!
ChristineC68 Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

I am so sorry -- of course you can have hugs....


Darcy Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

Awwww.
Well maybe once word gets out in your family, they will either put the pressure on him (I know it is not exactly how you want it to happen but...) or maybe they will help out with the money. But either way, I was wonderful for you to stand up to him. Though I honestly would not have faulted you for taking you mother up on her offer.
Bunnymonkey Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

Your father is the one who is missing out - you did the RIGHT thing. Remember that!
MamanDaddyof2 Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

Not that I am siding with your dad but he probably wants to be acknowledged as the more important person in your life. It has to be very hard to share your child with another ...My 8 yr old daughter has a stepmom now and she is really nice and fun with my daughter and I have to be the REAL MOM..... so I punish her and make her brush her teeth etc sometimes I do get a little jealous of the step mom too.

Anyway you should just try to make up with him because you will be upset that he isnt at your wedding
Best of Luck to you and your family
DjPiLL Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

Tell your parents if they can't come to terms with everyone's name on there... then you won't put anybody on there.

Just have a simple invite that says 'Please come celebrate the happiest day of our lives... as Adam and Eve (just examples of names) exchange wedding vows'.

Don't even mention the parents.


Also if your dad is so quick to pull the cash away from the table.... then frankly he is only giving you the cash to 'one-up the stepdad'. He isn't giving you the cash because he genuinely wants to help you. Sounds to me he is only doing it to out-do and put down the stepdad.

Just my opinion.
june262004 Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

Posted by DjPiLL




Also if your dad is so quick to pull the cash away from the table.... then frankly he is only giving you the cash to 'one-up the stepdad'. He isn't giving you the cash because he genuinely wants to help you. Sounds to me he is only doing it to out-do and put down the stepdad.

Just my opinion.


I agree. I would be really upset with him tell him how you feel. I think he is being Childish. Ask him if that is why he is giving his money in. Afterall your step dad is still giving you the money so his name should defiently be on the invite.

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
littlewilson Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)



I'm really sorry for what you're going through. It just sucks, but 'this too shall pass'. It seems that your dad is going through a rough time, and may be too busy taking care of his own damaged self-image to be able to see the big picture. He may come to a point in his life when he looks back on this episode with regret, or then again, he may never grow out of this behavior. In the meantime, there's not much you can do but express your apologies and keep your distance from those who have the potential to continue causing you grief. As for the money, it will be hard, but you may be better off in the long run without his financial involvement. Maybe there are some things you can scale down here or there, or perhaps your mom and stepdad can give you a small personal loan to help pay for what you can't cover without your dad's funding.

Much hugs.
marymoon Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

I'm so sorry!

I really think you're dong the right thing because if you let his anger and his problems and his demands control your life now, you have no idea how far intot eh futue it will continue, next it may be a question of something to do with raising your children, and he may bring his problems and let them interfere with your children ahving 6 loving grandparents. you can't let him do that and you can't let him interfere. best of luck
eogara Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

Donna Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

I'm sorry you have to deal with this

I think if parents are going to give $$ then they should just do it - no ifs, ands or buts about it.

Sorry that he's putting these conditions on you.

If it was me, I'd take the $$ loss and cut the guest list on his side to make up the difference
patti08 Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

How about printing 2 versions?

Boop2704 Posted:

Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)

I am sorry your dad is doing this to you. Like I said previously, my dad did the same thing. He threatened not to pay or even come. But after my brother went and spoke to him and showed him what an @ss he was being, he eventually came around. Give your dad some time to cool off. If you have someone he is close to like a sibling of yours or even a sibling of his, ask them if they can talk some sense into him. Hopefully he is just upset right now and will eventually come around!! Sometimes it takes someone else to point out what a jerk a person is being. Best of Luck!!

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