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please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
Original post by confused&sad
I am posting under an assumed name - I post frequently on here, but I am embarrassed to let people know this about my family. ![]()
My parents are divorced and both are remarried. Mom and dad DO NOT get along. At all. Neither do their spouses, depsite being in the picture for many, many years.
My stepfather, although we've had issues in the past, has taken an active role in the wedding planning and supports our wedding and my mom's role in it. (Mom is so excited). In the past, my stepsisters (stepfather's daughters) left my mom, me and my sister completely out of their weddings, (not even invited or acknowledged as family members in any way) which hurt my mom deeply. (All is better now - lots of talking). Mom and stepdad are contributing to wedding.
My father, with whom I also had issues due to the divorce, has only recently struck up a good relationship with me. My stepmother wants only to be treated as a guest at our wedding, purportedly to not step on anyone's toes. Dad and stepmom are contributing to wedding.
My FH's parents are also contributing too, and are very supportive of, our wedding.
In the air of inclusiveness, I wanted to have all the parents (including stepparents) named on the invite, to honor their active role in supporting us in this important commitment, and because FH and I love all six of our parents very much (despite stepmom's lack of interest).
Yesterday, my dad told me he would be totally angry with me and not speak to me if my stepdad's name was ANYWHERE on the invite. He even said at one point he might not even COME if my stepdad was acknowledged on the invite.
So, what would you all do? I and my FH want all the parents named, my mom will be hurt if stepdad is left off, but my dad will be hurt if he's on. (Dad has no problem with stepmom being left off - b/c he says only biological parents should be on the invite.)
I tried the 'it's our day' line, and he said, no it's not - its your day and your parents day.
Please help.![]()
This is so ridiculous - I just can't stand the fighting anymore. (Mom and stepdad's role, or lack thereof, has been big issue with dad all along.) Any advice would be very helpful. TIA.
My parents are divorced and both are remarried. Mom and dad DO NOT get along. At all. Neither do their spouses, depsite being in the picture for many, many years.
My stepfather, although we've had issues in the past, has taken an active role in the wedding planning and supports our wedding and my mom's role in it. (Mom is so excited). In the past, my stepsisters (stepfather's daughters) left my mom, me and my sister completely out of their weddings, (not even invited or acknowledged as family members in any way) which hurt my mom deeply. (All is better now - lots of talking). Mom and stepdad are contributing to wedding.
My father, with whom I also had issues due to the divorce, has only recently struck up a good relationship with me. My stepmother wants only to be treated as a guest at our wedding, purportedly to not step on anyone's toes. Dad and stepmom are contributing to wedding.
My FH's parents are also contributing too, and are very supportive of, our wedding.
In the air of inclusiveness, I wanted to have all the parents (including stepparents) named on the invite, to honor their active role in supporting us in this important commitment, and because FH and I love all six of our parents very much (despite stepmom's lack of interest).
Yesterday, my dad told me he would be totally angry with me and not speak to me if my stepdad's name was ANYWHERE on the invite. He even said at one point he might not even COME if my stepdad was acknowledged on the invite.
So, what would you all do? I and my FH want all the parents named, my mom will be hurt if stepdad is left off, but my dad will be hurt if he's on. (Dad has no problem with stepmom being left off - b/c he says only biological parents should be on the invite.)
I tried the 'it's our day' line, and he said, no it's not - its your day and your parents day.
Please help.
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Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
Posted by Donna
I'm sorry you have to deal with this![]()
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I think if parents are going to give $$ then they should just do it - no ifs, ands or buts about it.
Sorry that he's putting these conditions on you.
If it was me, I'd take the $$ loss and cut the guest list on his side to make up the difference
I agree with this 100%! Sorry you are going through this.
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Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
First off, here are my hugs. ![]()
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I had a similar situation with my in laws and at the time I was ordering our invites, it was really bad. I wasn't talking with MIL, DH wasn't talking with BIL - NO ONE was talking with FIL and everyone was threatening not to come to the wedding. Only my mother's name went on the invite - she did pay the lion's share of the wedding - so that was a no brainer for me.
Come the wedding day, everyone showed up and had grown up enough to put on their game faces for our HAPPY occasion.
I will keep my fingers crossed that the same happens for you.![]()
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I had a similar situation with my in laws and at the time I was ordering our invites, it was really bad. I wasn't talking with MIL, DH wasn't talking with BIL - NO ONE was talking with FIL and everyone was threatening not to come to the wedding. Only my mother's name went on the invite - she did pay the lion's share of the wedding - so that was a no brainer for me.
Come the wedding day, everyone showed up and had grown up enough to put on their game faces for our HAPPY occasion.
I will keep my fingers crossed that the same happens for you.
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Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
I read this thread before coming to work this morning, and I've been angered by it all day. Honestly, your dad is LUCKY I'm not his daughter because I would tear him a new one.
Keep in mind, my family is crazy and the kind of petty, jealous behavior you described happens all the time - it might have even happened with my wedding except being an only child of divorced parents who do NOT like each other, and being the monster that I am, my parents knew if either one crossed the line I'd kill them. No joke.
First of all, your dad is DEAD WRONG to be doing this to you. I find it appalling that he would take back his financial contribution because of such petty nonesense. I would tell him that he should be ashamed of himself that he cares more that your step-dad is married to his ex-wife, than the fact that he treats and cares for you so well. He should be happy about that -- not jealous -- because some step-parents s.u.c.k. and aren't even worthy of being mentioned on their step-daughter's wedding invitation. Trust me, I know.![]()
Secondly, your wedding is a special day for your parents, but it is NOT ABOUT THEM! He should be gracious and accept your compromise if it really means that much to him. Most people throw the invitation in the garbage - they don't care whose name is on it!
And third, if and when your dad realizes he's being a big jerk and changes his mind about contributing, I'd say thanks but no thanks. I agree with DJPill's assessment of the situation.
Emotional blackmail is something I'm entirely too familiar with and when I see it happen to others it really bothers me because IMHO its the worst thing a parent can do to a child. I hope you can rise above this situation and its only a minor glitch on the way to an amazingly happy and beautiful day.![]()
Keep in mind, my family is crazy and the kind of petty, jealous behavior you described happens all the time - it might have even happened with my wedding except being an only child of divorced parents who do NOT like each other, and being the monster that I am, my parents knew if either one crossed the line I'd kill them. No joke.
First of all, your dad is DEAD WRONG to be doing this to you. I find it appalling that he would take back his financial contribution because of such petty nonesense. I would tell him that he should be ashamed of himself that he cares more that your step-dad is married to his ex-wife, than the fact that he treats and cares for you so well. He should be happy about that -- not jealous -- because some step-parents s.u.c.k. and aren't even worthy of being mentioned on their step-daughter's wedding invitation. Trust me, I know.
Secondly, your wedding is a special day for your parents, but it is NOT ABOUT THEM! He should be gracious and accept your compromise if it really means that much to him. Most people throw the invitation in the garbage - they don't care whose name is on it!
And third, if and when your dad realizes he's being a big jerk and changes his mind about contributing, I'd say thanks but no thanks. I agree with DJPill's assessment of the situation.
Emotional blackmail is something I'm entirely too familiar with and when I see it happen to others it really bothers me because IMHO its the worst thing a parent can do to a child. I hope you can rise above this situation and its only a minor glitch on the way to an amazingly happy and beautiful day.
Member since
Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
Member since
Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
Member since
Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
You most Definitely did the right thing. I'm so sorry your dad is behaving this way. ![]()
He is going to miss out on his daughter's wedding, one of the most important days of her life, thanks to his being petty and immature. I hope that one day soon he will fully realize the horrible mistake he is making and will seek out your forgiveness. In the meantime, go on with your wedding plans and focus on the fact that you are marrying the man of your dreams. ![]()
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Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
Posted by eroxgirl
I read this thread before coming to work this morning, and I've been angered by it all day. Honestly, your dad is LUCKY I'm not his daughter because I would tear him a new one.
Keep in mind, my family is crazy and the kind of petty, jealous behavior you described happens all the time - it might have even happened with my wedding except being an only child of divorced parents who do NOT like each other, and being the monster that I am, my parents knew if either one crossed the line I'd kill them. No joke.
First of all, your dad is DEAD WRONG to be doing this to you. I find it appalling that he would take back his financial contribution because of such petty nonesense. I would tell him that he should be ashamed of himself that he cares more that your step-dad is married to his ex-wife, than the fact that he treats and cares for you so well. He should be happy about that -- not jealous -- because some step-parents s.u.c.k. and aren't even worthy of being mentioned on their step-daughter's wedding invitation. Trust me, I know.
Secondly, your wedding is a special day for your parents, but it is NOT ABOUT THEM! He should be gracious and accept your compromise if it really means that much to him. Most people throw the invitation in the garbage - they don't care whose name is on it!
And third, if and when your dad realizes he's being a big jerk and changes his mind about contributing, I'd say thanks but no thanks. I agree with DJPill's assessment of the situation.
Emotional blackmail is something I'm entirely too familiar with and when I see it happen to others it really bothers me because IMHO its the worst thing a parent can do to a child. I hope you can rise above this situation and its only a minor glitch on the way to an amazingly happy and beautiful day.![]()
I could not have said it any better - well said eroxgirl!
heres my hugs
Member since
Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
You are doing the right thing. Your father is acting unbelievably childish and manipulative. Actually, he is being emotionally abusive. If you had caved into his demands you would only be enabling him to control your life and your FH's life in the future. What's next, he wants to name your children? I'm so sorry you have to go through his right now. At the same time it's high time he got a wake-up call about his completely dysfunctional behavior and how it is a distructive force at a time which is supposed to be a happy celebration.
I wouldn't worry about him not coming. In cases like these, more often than not, the person usually sees the error of their ways and at the last minute has a change of heart. Has he displayed similar behavior in the past? Maybe he was allowed to get away with it because all involved wanted to just keep the peace. Your Dad seems to still be harboring a lot of anger. This is really not healthy for himself (can result in an increase in cancer and stroke) or all around him.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I've had to deal with a similar situation and it's very stressful and really abusive. I hope your father, for everyone's sake wakes up. Life is too short for this. I know, my mother is deceased and can't be at my wedding and my Dad is handicapped and can barely speak as a result of a stroke. I hope your Dad can put his selfishness and anger aside for one day. He may not like his circumstances in life but he should consider himself lucky that he is alive and well to see his little girl married.
Sorry so long but I feel your pain in this.
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I wouldn't worry about him not coming. In cases like these, more often than not, the person usually sees the error of their ways and at the last minute has a change of heart. Has he displayed similar behavior in the past? Maybe he was allowed to get away with it because all involved wanted to just keep the peace. Your Dad seems to still be harboring a lot of anger. This is really not healthy for himself (can result in an increase in cancer and stroke) or all around him.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I've had to deal with a similar situation and it's very stressful and really abusive. I hope your father, for everyone's sake wakes up. Life is too short for this. I know, my mother is deceased and can't be at my wedding and my Dad is handicapped and can barely speak as a result of a stroke. I hope your Dad can put his selfishness and anger aside for one day. He may not like his circumstances in life but he should consider himself lucky that he is alive and well to see his little girl married.
Sorry so long but I feel your pain in this.
Member since
Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
Why not just host the wedding yourselves and not include any parents on the invite? Do you think that would solve the problem?
BTW...my mother isn't coming to our wedding either, so I know a bit how you feel.
BTW...my mother isn't coming to our wedding either, so I know a bit how you feel.
Member since
Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
I didn’t read through the entire post so sorry if this has been said but a similar situation arose with my sister when she got married.
She sent different invites to different sides of the family!![]()
Her in-laws pretty much paid for the entire thing with a little help from my mom.
My dad didn’t contribute but we felt bad excluding him from the invites altogether.
She sent one set with the in-laws names to their guests and another set to his guests with his name included.
No ever even noticed or asked.
I mean would you think to ask someone else what there invite said?
Let your mom in on it and send his guests one without your step dads name on it.
Either way Im sorry you have to be going through all this. It's really not right! I hope it all works out for you in the end!
She sent different invites to different sides of the family!
Her in-laws pretty much paid for the entire thing with a little help from my mom.
My dad didn’t contribute but we felt bad excluding him from the invites altogether.
She sent one set with the in-laws names to their guests and another set to his guests with his name included.
No ever even noticed or asked.
I mean would you think to ask someone else what there invite said?
Let your mom in on it and send his guests one without your step dads name on it.
Either way Im sorry you have to be going through all this. It's really not right! I hope it all works out for you in the end!
Member since
Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
I wish there was a happy tears icon on this board. ![]()
+ ![]()
will have to do.
Thank you SO SO SO much for all of your hugs and thoughtfulness. Honestly, I felt miserable after all that happened yesterday, and today I feel better, due a lot to you guys. Funny thing is - you all are reinforcing me and FH's take on this - it's our day, and we love each other, and nothing and no one is going to take that happiness or joy from us. It's my dad's loss, not ours. (My FH said it a little more strongly![]()
but to quote him would get me censored.)
So, we're going to have our wedding our way. I hope my dad chooses to join us, very much so - I love him - but I refuse to allow my FH's happiness, my own happiness, and our marriage to be sacrificed to appease my dad. Words on an invite are not worth it.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!![]()
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Thank you SO SO SO much for all of your hugs and thoughtfulness. Honestly, I felt miserable after all that happened yesterday, and today I feel better, due a lot to you guys. Funny thing is - you all are reinforcing me and FH's take on this - it's our day, and we love each other, and nothing and no one is going to take that happiness or joy from us. It's my dad's loss, not ours. (My FH said it a little more strongly
So, we're going to have our wedding our way. I hope my dad chooses to join us, very much so - I love him - but I refuse to allow my FH's happiness, my own happiness, and our marriage to be sacrificed to appease my dad. Words on an invite are not worth it.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!
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Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
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Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
I think your dad is being very selfish! Tell him to get over it and no it is not their day as well. The day belongs to you and your FH alone!!! Tell him if he doesn't want to be there to support you then it's his own choice but as far as you are concerned you have every right to name anyone on your invitations. You shouldn't have to go with 'Together with our families' just to appease him. I'm sorry if I seem a little harsh but I'm battling FIL's. I'm a little bitter when it comes to opinions from anyone other than the bride and groom. Try to stick to your guns. Only you know what's right for your wedding.
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Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
Oh you poor thing! It's amazing how people think money is power, no matter what the situation. This seems completely about jealousy and control on your Dad's part. He is the father of the bride and he doesn't want anyone else taking even a spec of credit for that. It definitely is selfish, but it's the reality that has to be dealt with. It seems like you are doing the best thing - communicating with both sides. Isn't it amazing and disgusting how you, as the BRIDE, just try to make everyone happy. I know I don't even care about most details, and only stress about things because everyone else can't agree and care too much about such small things! Why does everyone else give a damn more than the bride does??? It's an awful reality, but part of bringing two families together (in many cases, more than two). You are the ring leader...sometimes you have to remember that no matter what you do you won't be able to satisfy everyone - so you might as well make you and your FH happy:))) I keep telling myself this over and over. Good luck with this whole situation and keep us posted!!! I'm sure it will all work out, and no matter what happens it's definitely not your fault so keep smiling and try to enjoy your engagement:)
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Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
This is your day and you should make it special. You can add 'together with our parents' to make everything 'even' but if you want everyone's name on the invite then it should be the way you want it. Good Luck.
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Re: please tell me why parents do this stuff (Unhappy Update at end)
I think you and FH are really brave to stand up for what you believe in. I know this is a difficult time, but hopefully your dad will come around.
