Prenups?

I must be really nieve but when I think of prenups I only think of celebrities.

I am open to the idea, I am almost positive FH's family will want to protect his inheritence. His family has alot of money and in case we were to get a divorce i want him to know that i would not go after the money his family has put aside for him. So i have no problem signing some type of agreement like that. Whatever money he makes during our marriage will be split 50-50, child support etc, I really want all that in black and white. I hope it never happens,

but my parents are divorced and when they married they had nothing. After 20 years they decided to get a divorce my mother an only child inherited her parents house wich was worth 500k
she had to give 1/3 of that to my father.
Now im not taking sides but it was my mothers familys house. I just want all stuff like that laid out on the table. Because i dont want to have to fight about it later on. I am not naive and realize the divorce rate is very high.

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Posted by kb

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Posted by donegal419

Absolutely not.... I think they are basically writing out your divorce papers before you even get married.... I think it makes people get the attitude when things get tough, 'why do i have to work on this marriage? I've worked it all out so I have nothing to lose and nothing to work for.' I just feel that if you are signing a pre-nup you don't have too much faith or trust in your partner....

FH and I did not get one... but hey, between the both of us, all we would inherit is 2 OLD cars and school loans....

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I rarely post here, mostly lurk since I got married in the city but my sister is getting married on LI, but, I wanted to post in response to this because my DH and I gave this a lot of thought.

I respectfully disagree with you. The process of discussing whether or not to get a prenup was one of the most valuable things my DH and I did. We figured out where the other stood financially, the other's thoughts about divorce, what would be 'deal breakers' (e.g. mental illness? alcoholism? abuse?), etc. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce I think it's smart to find out your partners ideas on the issue. I don't know what's going to happen in life. I know I love my DH incredibly and will support him as much as I can, but we can't predict the future so it's best to talk about things.

I don't believe anyone would get divorced because their finances are already accounted for. Divorce is hard and painful and there is so much to lose that is more important than money. Why not know that you and your partner are going to be financially safe if divorce is the best choice?

We ended up not getting a prenup because we live in a state where premarital property remains as such but, my DH is a software developer and before our marriage his start up got bought out. That's his money, not mine. He worked for 5 years before we met to earn that. If he wants to share with me then that's his choice but I have no right to that if we ended up getting divorced.

For the record, both of our parents have been married for 30+ years so we're not jaded or anything.

Sorry for the novel, just wanted to offer an alternative viewpoint. I have 100% faith and trust in my marriage and would not hesitate to sign a prenup if that's what was best for us.

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All very good points.

btw: welcome to the boards

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Posted by kb

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Posted by donegal419

Absolutely not.... I think they are basically writing out your divorce papers before you even get married.... I think it makes people get the attitude when things get tough, 'why do i have to work on this marriage? I've worked it all out so I have nothing to lose and nothing to work for.' I just feel that if you are signing a pre-nup you don't have too much faith or trust in your partner....

FH and I did not get one... but hey, between the both of us, all we would inherit is 2 OLD cars and school loans....

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I rarely post here, mostly lurk since I got married in the city but my sister is getting married on LI, but, I wanted to post in response to this because my DH and I gave this a lot of thought.

I respectfully disagree with you. The process of discussing whether or not to get a prenup was one of the most valuable things my DH and I did. We figured out where the other stood financially, the other's thoughts about divorce, what would be 'deal breakers' (e.g. mental illness? alcoholism? abuse?), etc. With 50% of marriages ending in divorce I think it's smart to find out your partners ideas on the issue. I don't know what's going to happen in life. I know I love my DH incredibly and will support him as much as I can, but we can't predict the future so it's best to talk about things.

I don't believe anyone would get divorced because their finances are already accounted for. Divorce is hard and painful and there is so much to lose that is more important than money. Why not know that you and your partner are going to be financially safe if divorce is the best choice?

We ended up not getting a prenup because we live in a state where premarital property remains as such but, my DH is a software developer and before our marriage his start up got bought out. That's his money, not mine. He worked for 5 years before we met to earn that. If he wants to share with me then that's his choice but I have no right to that if we ended up getting divorced.

For the record, both of our parents have been married for 30+ years so we're not jaded or anything.

Sorry for the novel, just wanted to offer an alternative viewpoint. I have 100% faith and trust in my marriage and would not hesitate to sign a prenup if that's what was best for us.

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I see what you're saying, now here's my opinion. The 'dealbreakers' you posted above seem like things that would have come up during a meaningful relationship that has lasted for a significant amount of time. I'm pretty sure FI and I have touched on these issues during our 5 1/2 years of dating without needing to sit down and have a gloomy conversation about what we would do in these situations. Our relationship is 100% loving and open. We both know exactly how much we have in our bank accounts and plan on having one bank account when we get married. This is how my parents have done it (they're married for 36yrs) and I wouldn't have it any other way. Of course this is only my opinion and this kind of situation is very relationship-specific.

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Posted by MaureenM618

We won't be having one because we have nothing to protect. Between the two of us we barely have 2 dimes to rub together,

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Posted by EverlovingEv

I see what you're saying, now here's my opinion. The 'dealbreakers' you posted above seem like things that would have come up during a meaningful relationship that has lasted for a significant amount of time. I'm pretty sure FI and I have touched on these issues during our 5 1/2 years of dating without needing to sit down and have a gloomy conversation about what we would do in these situations. Our relationship is 100% loving and open. We both know exactly how much we have in our bank accounts and plan on having one bank account when we get married. This is how my parents have done it (they're married for 36yrs) and I wouldn't have it any other way. Of course this is only my opinion and this kind of situation is very relationship-specific.

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I think it's fantastic if couples do discuss this stuff. We had friends that told us if we even talked about the what-ifs we were dooming our relationship. I don't see how more honesty is bad.

One terrible story that relates to this is my cousin's husband, after they were married for 10+ years, he decided to go off his medication for bipolar disorder. He became abusive, cheated, started drinking a lot, etc. They eventually had to divorce. If my cousin had started that marriage with many more assets than him, she would have lost 1/2 of them to him without a prenup. Just an example of how you never know.

Also in our situation, I have a PhD and DH never finished college but has an incredibly successful business. If we lived in a different state figuring out alimony might be very confusing.

Again, I love my husband and am 99% sure we will be together forever. However, if he or I reach a point in our lives where we'd be better off apart, we think divorce is best. Neither of us want to hold the other person back from being as happy and successful as possible.

Whether or not couples get a prenup is a personal decision, I just hope every couple feels able to talk about these difficult subjects.

BTW: Every single couple on here that gets married already has a prenup essentially, it's based on the NY Domestic Relations Law. Prenups only matter if you want to divide your assets differently than the state would for you.

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Posted by kb

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Posted by EverlovingEv

I see what you're saying, now here's my opinion. The 'dealbreakers' you posted above seem like things that would have come up during a meaningful relationship that has lasted for a significant amount of time. I'm pretty sure FI and I have touched on these issues during our 5 1/2 years of dating without needing to sit down and have a gloomy conversation about what we would do in these situations. Our relationship is 100% loving and open. We both know exactly how much we have in our bank accounts and plan on having one bank account when we get married. This is how my parents have done it (they're married for 36yrs) and I wouldn't have it any other way. Of course this is only my opinion and this kind of situation is very relationship-specific.

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I think it's fantastic if couples do discuss this stuff. We had friends that told us if we even talked about the what-ifs we were dooming our relationship. I don't see how more honesty is bad.

One terrible story that relates to this is my cousin's husband, after they were married for 10+ years, he decided to go off his medication for bipolar disorder. He became abusive, cheated, started drinking a lot, etc. They eventually had to divorce. If my cousin had started that marriage with many more assets than him, she would have lost 1/2 of them to him without a prenup. Just an example of how you never know.

Also in our situation, I have a PhD and DH never finished college but has an incredibly successful business. If we lived in a different state figuring out alimony might be very confusing.

Again, I love my husband and am 99% sure we will be together forever. However, if he or I reach a point in our lives where we'd be better off apart, we think divorce is best. Neither of us want to hold the other person back from being as happy and successful as possible.

Whether or not couples get a prenup is a personal decision, I just hope every couple feels able to talk about these difficult subjects.

BTW: Every single couple on here that gets married already has a prenup essentially, it's based on the NY Domestic Relations Law. Prenups only matter if you want to divide your assets differently than the state would for you.

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Again, I see what you're saying, but regarding your cousin's situation. What was she supposed to do regarding his condition? Ask him before they get married if he ever plans on stopping his meds? I doubt he knew 10 years in advance that he was going to stop taking them for whatever reason. When you love someone wholeheartedly, you hope for the best and can't imagine someone asking their future husband to sign a piece of paper saying that if he stops taking his medication, she doesn't have to give him 1/2 of her things. All kinds of things happen throughout our lives and I don't think that a prenup can cover them all... so why bother?

No, a prenup doess not have to say specifically that if the person goes off their meds they don't get any money - or anything like that. Here's an example of the potential of not having a prenup - if she had had assets, say she bought their house herself before they were married, they could have just written a prenup saying that premarital assets remain with the individual and assets acquired during marriage are shared. Then, she would have been able to keep the house and not sell it and split the profits.*

Or say, she got an MBA and high paying job while they were married and he had no college degree and a minimum wage job. In some states, she would have to pay him alimony without a prenup saying otherwise.*

*These are not what happened, just examples.

I think people think prenups are more specific or complicated than they have to be. They can be incredible simple and say before marriage, this belongs to him and this belongs to her (if you're in a community property state and this is not the standard). Or, they could say that any degrees obtained during marriage are individual property and the other is not entitled to future profits from that degree. They don't have to be crazy like she has to have this many kids, or she gets nothing after marriage, or if he uses drugs we're getting divorced, etc. If anything, they can be more fair than state laws often are.

ETA: People can do whatever they want, I just am uncomfortable with this visceral reaction that prenups are bad. Most people don't understand what they are and that the state will decide how to divide your assets if you can't come to a resolution yourself so why not have control over your own financial situation before things get stressful?

Nothing can kill romance faster than the word prenup.

if youre speaking in terms for a prenup for a family business then i would say go for it but if youre going to invest $5,000-$20,000 for a lawyer and prenup documents and your personal time i really hope its worth it!

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Posted by milana

Nothing can kill romance faster than the word prenup.

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See, totally untrue in my marriage. We are much closer because we talked about one.

*I don't know why I'm still in this conversation, don't think I'll change anyone's mind who believes otherwise.

i was hesitant to respond but i will,
yes we are getting a prenup, i was not happy at all at first but i understand now
fh owns a business he started from scratch and has seen friends lose it all in a divorce, i always told him i would sign anything he wanted saying i wouldn't touch his business,
but it helps me too, i am not responsible for any debts he may incur due to the business
i think it is an extremely personal choice and depends on your situation and if you have assets to protect

by the way our prenup is also void in 10 years

No prenup. We figured we didn't want each other's college loans anyway.

No!!!!!
I don't have that kind of $$$$ to have prenup!!!!