Re: pressure

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Posted by dm24angel

Again, I hate to haro on the age thing...but...when I met FI we were both 24 and we too were 'early partiers' meaning we started REAL young and still were when we met...a lot of similiar issues seemed to occur...like I said in an earlier post, once we moved in together after 2 years, it started to stop and now ( we are both 28 now) it is not even an issue, he rarely goes anywhere with friends....

But it's hard to 'wait' to see if he grows up...at 26 he should know better really so maybe there is a larger issue...do you go out a lot too? That was my problem, all my friends were married and had kids, so he was going out while I stayed in....again, just some advice...has his attitude etc changed at all over the yrs you have been together??

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I have to disagree. I think in this case he has been 'partying' for a while now
so he should be out of the 'partying phase'. I don't think it is age i think it is
experience that you are talking about. Most of us start partying at 19-21..
So by 28...you can get partied out. I know lots of people who are 26, 25 that
are done with the partying thing and have other friends that are
33-36 and they are still out there living it up.

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sorry...I typed inside the quote...bare with me, Im on pain killers...killing my brain cells aprrently

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In the beginning we totally went out together, with our friends. I would definatly say he went out less than I did - or at least not to as wild places as I did.

When we moved in I scaled back so we could have $$ for other things I guess I changed my priorities. It seems this is the time he started going out more.
Not that we have such a tight budget - I have not gone out maybe once because I know we dont have $ to spare. But he would spend our last dime on his entertainment.
He does know how upset I am about this - we discussed it this weekend I said I was unhappy about thes issues and that I was questioning our marriage, he agreed to try. Then last night he strolls in at 5am? To me this is a slap in the face.

I also want to say that I encourage him to go out with his friends and his brother - but 4am on a weeknight when he has to get up for work at 6 am - I dont think that is responsiable. Why cant he come home at 12 or 1? Why should I ask him to act like an adult ?

Re: pressure

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Posted by MizStinker

In the beginning we totally went out together, with our friends. I would definatly say he went out less than I did - or at least not to as wild places as I did.

When we moved in I scaled back so we could have $$ for other things I guess I changed my priorities. It seems this is the time he started going out more.
Not that we have such a tight budget - I have not gone out maybe once because I know we dont have $ to spare. But he would spend our last dime on his entertainment.
He does know how upset I am about this - we discussed it this weekend I said I was unhappy about thes issues and that I was questioning our marriage, he agreed to try. Then last night he strolls in at 5am? To me this is a slap in the face.

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I think the fact that he acknowledges the problem and was will to try
to change shows some sign of hope..Nobody changes over night. Talk calmly about it tonight and
see what he say

Re: pressure

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Posted by MizStinker
Then last night he strolls in at 5am? To me this is a slap in the face.

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To me this is a slap in the face as well. Have you told him you feel this? At times I feel like I am training a bad dog when it comes to FH. He is big on 'keeping his word' so when I cite examples where his hasn't, he feels really ashamed. The 'I love you, I care' line only works so much as actions speak louder than words. When I tell FH that 'If you really do care you would stick to your word and change what you have promised to change' he knows I mean business. I am not one to baby him and pick and choose my battles, so when these conversations come up, he knows he has 'crossed the line' and takes me seriously.

It took us a long time to get to this point. Certain things I felt were 'givens' he had to learn through making his own mistakes. Financially speaking, I helped him clean up his act and he is now grateful for it (there was much kicking and screaming along the way). But in order for us to get this far there was LOTS of compromising and open communication on both parts.

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I'm sorry for what you are going thorugh.

Just wanted to give

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i know it may not be the best solution, but how about just letting it go for now. i sometimes do that w/ FI if the (talk) doesn't seem it improve a situation. i find that if i let things go (not bug him) the situation improves and eventually stops.

i don't mean to imply that you are nagging him and yes, talking it out is usaully the best alternative to resolve a situation. just offering my experience. i am not defending him, but i am sure is also going through a wave of emotions right now in re: wedding/marriage and has to feels like he needs to bond more w/ 'the guys'.

i would suggest however (if FI is willing) to speak w/ a therapist.



ETA: does he ever ask you to join him when he goes out?

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I am gonna try and drop it - i am literally sick about this. I just feel like my heart is breaking because of this.
i cannot function at work today i feel like a zombie. i just want to curl up in a ball.

he does ask me to go out with him - i have to get up for work at 6 i cant stay out until 4.

Unfortunatly I think it comes down to our values being diffrent and growing apart.
I cannot stop growing because he wants to remain in the past.

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Oh HELL NOOOOOO!!! All hours of the night? Im sorry girlfriend, but your going to have to put this to a stop. Im going to be blunt with you, because I was in the same exact situation as you. Matter of fact, it almost broke us up. My FI kept on going out with his boys, but then it got to the point where it started affecting our relationship. He didnt want to hang with me anymore, it was all about his boys. I never said anything, because I didnt want to be percieved as the bad or mean girlfriend. I started to go to counseling because I seriously thought I was losing it. Anyway, to make the long story short, my counselor told me to stop beating around the bush, and put your foot down. My FI knew that it was bothering me, but the fact that he was ignoring it because I hadn't said anything meant he was taking advantage of the situation. I sat and talked with FI and said, listen if you still want to go out and party that's fine by me. But it's not the lifestyle I choose to live anymore. I need to know that my husband will be by my side and not out partying. It's as simple as that. I know it's harsh, but it's harsh that he's treating you like this too.

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it's almost the end of the day - i have kept it together but it is like when you have to pee really bad and then you feel like you cant hold it anymore - i feel like the second i walk out of this door I am gonna freak.

I am soo, soo upset you dont even know.
He knows how upset i am - the thing is he dosent think it is a big deal and making me feel like i am overreacting. I feel like I am hammering my head into the wall to make him see the big picture here. Our Values are not matching up anymore.
I dont know how i feel - all i know is that i am starting to picture my life without him and feeling a burden lifting, and that is really scary.

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I am so identifying with you Miz. If you saw my thread last week, that is problem with FH. I know he used to go out a lot before he was with me. But then for a good period of time, he changed and wash't going out so much. But now he went back to the way he was, though he's trying. I guess you need to tell him that you are doubting marrying him because you don't want this to be going on during the marriage because that is really the truth.

And ohmygosh is he horrible with money! Ohhh the fights we have had over that. I need to be the one in charge of the finances.

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i know you're wedding is far off, but have you met with an officant yet? if yo are gettign married ina church the preist/reverand would be happy to talk to you for free.

or do you belong to any kind of Church--evenif you haven't started talkign to them abotu a wedding, they cold help.

I don't know much about non-Christian religons, but there is probbaly someone there you can talk to as well.

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Thanks girls -

I am Catholic, we havent met with anyone because of our far off date. It means so much that I can talk to you all about this - I feel like I cant tell anyone in our lives because i am embarassed. I know it is silly but true.
I cant wait to go home - I just want a cup of tea and my bed. I wish he would go out tonight I need to be away from him and get my head together.

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It sounds like you DO need some time to yourself. Is there any way you can get away for a couple of days, alone, to clear your head?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just remember, if you think that you can change him you will just wind up frustrated. It sounds like he's got some serious growing up to do and he needs to take a look at what his priorities are. If you are not at the TOP of that list, then you know what you need to do. But him SAYING that you are at the top of that list is not enough...he needs to SHOW you.

PLEASE Feel free to FM me if you need to talk. Be strong and think of YOU