pressure

I am feeling really pressured to be perfect and to potray a perfect image of myself an FH lately. I feel like my world is falling apart
We are having some really tough issues lately and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it because I am scared of what they will think.
First is we are having serious $ problems right now that’s hard to tell in itself, also I am feeling that FH is displaying some really immature and selfish behaviour and it is making me second guess our engagement. I am so sick about this right now and I don’t know where to turn.
I feel like we should go to couples counseling but the few I have called wanted money on top of my insurance – which I just don’t feel like we can afford. But maybe I should make the sacrifice and just spend it on that?
What would you do?

I usually would talk to my Mother if I had to but she is going thru a series of biopsies and I dont want to stress her out anymore than I have to.

Re: pressure

If you want to talk i am here to listen...
My FH has a lot of silly immature habits but they are changing. We
talk about it all the time. I think having an open and honest PLUS CALM
discussion about your worries is a good idea.

Re: pressure

Yes do talk to us I am sure we have either been there or are going thru it !!!!!!! Make sure you do talk don't bottle it up!

Re: pressure

Are there any 'in-network' counselors in your health plan? There has to be another way. If you need to talk to just express you feelings like you are now, we are always here for you. My FI are having a couple of problems right now, but slowly we are working on them. Have you tried talking to him about it? I was at a point where I couldnt express my feelings to him without crying, so instead I wrote him a note. It gave me the solace to get everything off my chest and not be interrupted, and he was able to read and understand it without arguing. Hope this helps!!

Re: pressure

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Posted by oct.2004bride

If you want to talk i am here to listen...
My FH has a lot of silly immature habits but they are changing. We
talk about it all the time. I think having an open and honest PLUS CALM
discussion about your worries is a good idea.

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i second this...

also, even though your mom is going through a tough time, perhaps it will make her feel better helping you. i know my mom has the need to feel 'maternal' at times, and will support me and my concerns rather than dealing with her own. this may not be the case in your situation, and i understand your desire not to place additional stress on her, but maybe you can gently broach the subject and see how she reacts. if she gets agitated, drop it, if she reaches out to you, discuss it further...

Re: pressure

hang in there...We've all been through something similiar and it does pass...My FH is immature sometimes too, and it gets to the point when we 'talk' that I freak out because he trys to make a joke..it's really that he just doesn;t understand, and that may be your situation as well...remember that everyone grows up eventually, don;t make any harsh decisions, you feel in love with him for a reason , when he acts like that, remember the good things as best you can...and try to talk to him when it's least expected, not to confront him just try and talk to him when you and he are less emotional...you also need to talk to someone if you are having a lot of issues...post to us here...a lot of times I feel 'regular' people have better advice then professional counselors....and I'm in school to be a 'professional' and I tend to get better advice from friends sometimes then those who are also 'professionals'.


This too shall pass...

Re: pressure

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Posted by MizStinker


I usually would talk to my Mother if I had to but she is going thru a series of biopsies and I dont want to stress her out anymore than I have to.

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One more thing...my mom is having a rough time with some issues right now too...and yesterday when I had my tooth emergency, she was so helpful , I almost felt bad....she said it helped her to help me and feel like she was not drowing in her own sorrows....I would talk to her!!

Re: pressure

I feel for you! I know that it must seem like the world is crashing in around you, but I promise you it will get better. You've recognized that there are problems and are willing to try and get to the root of them .. that is the 1st step

I used to be horribly at bottling in everything but I realized that just got me (and FH) nowhere. Ours is certainly not a perfect relationship either, and we have gone thru some HUGE hurdles together.. But communication is key and it'll help you determine if there is any way to resolve these issues.

And YES we are here to listen if you need to 'Vent' .. so let it all out with us. Some of us are professionals and some of us aren't, but at the very least it'll probably help you to know that ALL of us have our issues with our FHs/DHs ...

I hope everything works out for you, and most of all take care of yourself and don't get yourself sick over this

Re: pressure

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Posted by september2004

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Posted by oct.2004bride

If you want to talk i am here to listen...
My FH has a lot of silly immature habits but they are changing. We
talk about it all the time. I think having an open and honest PLUS CALM
discussion about your worries is a good idea.

---

i second this...

also, even though your mom is going through a tough time, perhaps it will make her feel better helping you. i know my mom has the need to feel 'maternal' at times, and will support me and my concerns rather than dealing with her own. this may not be the case in your situation, and i understand your desire not to place additional stress on her, but maybe you can gently broach the subject and see how she reacts. if she gets agitated, drop it, if she reaches out to you, discuss it further...

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AGREE TOO with talking to your mom and getting her mind off her problems
My mom was in the hospital for a month and anything that got her mind off
of her was GREA

Re: pressure

This is a very stressful, high pressured time for all of us and I am sure we are all going through similar situations. Money is tight, personalities are mixing, there's a lot of compromising going on, opinions are everwhere.
Please talk about it and get it out. I'm sure we all feel the same sometimes.

Re: pressure

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Posted by dm24angel

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Posted by MizStinker


I usually would talk to my Mother if I had to but she is going thru a series of biopsies and I dont want to stress her out anymore than I have to.

---

One more thing...my mom is having a rough time with some issues right now too...and yesterday when I had my tooth emergency, she was so helpful , I almost felt bad....she said it helped her to help me and feel like she was not drowing in her own sorrows....I would talk to her!!

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I was just going to type this!! Your mom is always your mom and even at their worst they still want to be there for you. If you have a close enough relationship and have talked to her about things before, go for it. I'm sure she'd welcome it.

Re: pressure

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Posted by dm24angel

One more thing...my mom is having a rough time with some issues right now too...and yesterday when I had my tooth emergency, she was so helpful , I almost felt bad....she said it helped her to help me and feel like she was not drowing in her own sorrows....I would talk to her!!

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Do we all have the same Mom? J/K ...

My mom is probably the biggest drama queen on the planet .. the world revolves around her and her problems .. its exhausting, and my tendency is to shut her out and steer clear from her when I'm troubled.

But when I finally break down and DO talk to her, she's ALWAYS there for me, no matter what she's going thru. Its a 'mom' thing, I couldn't have said it better than the other girls did. You'd be surprised at how much she might WELCOME the chance to take her mind off her own issues and help you, her daughter.

I know I'm the same way.. when I'm feelign my worst, it helps me a lot to NOT focus and help others

What we're trying to say is that sometime you can find the greatest comfort in the people you don't always expect to 'be there for you' .. there's no harm in trying to get support and advice from Mom, or anyone else!

Re: pressure

Thanks guys .....

I usually turn to my mother - and she is aware of some of the problems we are having. She stresses out easily and I want her just to be calm and rested for all she is going thru because she is really scared.

I appreciate that you are all offering you support - I will call other therapists. I have written letters, argued, cried, yelled, calmly discussed. Bottom line is his behaviour makes him happy me miserable. To me this is not a good equasion. He is a great guy, loving and has a great personality. But he likes to go out with his buddies until all hours - it has cost him his last 2 jobs,our financial standing which was very good, and now probably our relationship.

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Posted by FeliciaDA

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Posted by dm24angel

One more thing...my mom is having a rough time with some issues right now too...and yesterday when I had my tooth emergency, she was so helpful , I almost felt bad....she said it helped her to help me and feel like she was not drowing in her own sorrows....I would talk to her!!

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Do we all have the same Mom? J/K ...

My mom is probably the biggest drama queen on the planet .. the world revolves around her and her problems .. its exhausting, and my tendency is to shut her out and steer clear from her when I'm troubled.

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OH MY GOD...apperently yes we do have the same MOM..that's the perfect description of mine....

See...we are all telling you.....talk to your mom....and us....we are all here for you!

Re: pressure

personal question for ya...how old is he?

i know it's not an excuse but the first year of mine anf FI's relationship was rough due to some similiar issues, I don't know if it was age or what but those issues are completly gone now for us....

Re: pressure

We are both 26 ......

Both of us have been out partying from the ages of 14-15. That is 12 years of staying out all night. We have been together for 4 years living together for 2.

He also does not have a drinking problem. Just in case that comes up.

Re: pressure

So are you saying he likes to party/stay out late..alot?

Re: pressure

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Posted by MizStinker

Thanks guys .....

I usually turn to my mother - and she is aware of some of the problems we are having. She stresses out easily and I want her just to be calm and rested for all she is going thru because she is really scared.

I appreciate that you are all offering you support - I will call other therapists. I have written letters, argued, cried, yelled, calmly discussed. Bottom line is his behaviour makes him happy me miserable. To me this is not a good equasion. He is a great guy, loving and has a great personality. But he likes to go out with his buddies until all hours - it has cost him his last 2 jobs,our financial standing which was very good, and now probably our relationship.

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Well now I can understand that you want to try and spare your mom this .. you are a sweet daughter.

I wish I had the right answer for you .. its one thing that your FH is going out and/or partying a lot .. its another thing that these habits are causing financial strain on the two of you. There is NO way this can continue, but you already know this.

What troubles me most is when you say that 'it makes him happy, you not.' Does he realize how much pain this is causing you, and your relationship? I have a feeling he doesn't think you are as upset as you've conveyed to us.

MAKE SURE he truly realizes that you are worried about the two of you and are concerned about your relationship (I'm only emphasizing this because my FH never realizes I'm upset about certain things half the time, mostly because I'm not a cryer or a yeller .. )

Re: pressure

Yes - he is out late until 4 am one weeknight a week and then weekends it matters somtimes he will even go out and not come home until 6am. And worst of all he never answers his cell phone while he is out.
I hate being put into a 'mommy' role and telling him when to come and go but I dont think this is the behaviour I want in a partner. Once and a while maybe but not on a weekly basis, I think it is unacceptable.

Re: pressure

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Posted by MizStinker

Thanks guys .....

I usually turn to my mother - and she is aware of some of the problems we are having. She stresses out easily and I want her just to be calm and rested for all she is going thru because she is really scared.

I appreciate that you are all offering you support - I will call other therapists. I have written letters, argued, cried, yelled, calmly discussed. Bottom line is his behaviour makes him happy me miserable. To me this is not a good equasion. He is a great guy, loving and has a great personality. But he likes to go out with his buddies until all hours - it has cost him his last 2 jobs,our financial standing which was very good, and now probably our relationship.

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Well then if talking to him hasn't worked ...do go see a counselo