He works 2 jobs. His first job's at Duke and his second job is at Best Buy at night. He does computer support at both places. Anyway, the last month or so he's been going out after work just about every night that he's working at Best Buy. So basically I hardly see him. The bar he's going to is literally right across from Best Buy. He goes out with the guys from there and mainly with his Supervisor who I can't stand so it makes it worse! He's been working there over a year and he never went out until about a month or so ago. It started out as 1 night every other week, then every week and now it's ALL the time. I don't mind him going out, but now it's a little ridiculous, you know? It's really making me feel unwanted and lonely. I keep asking him why he goes out all the time and he just doesn't see why it's a problem because he already gets out of work late, so why is it a big deal that he goes and has a couple of drinks. He says he needs to unwind. I know he's stressed and tired, but by him not coming home and spending time with me before I go to bed, it's making me feel horrible. I was getting mad at him about it, but now I'm just depressed about it. Any other time we're together everything else is fine. I've already confronted him about seeing someone else, and he got really upset that I don't trust him. He said he'd never do that to me or Caiden and he can't believe after 11.5 years I'd even ask him that. I really believe he's just going out and having some beers, but the more and more he does it, the more I feel like he's cheating on me even thought in my heart I know he's not. I just feel like I'm not worth coming home to after work. At least he's not spending money there. His Supervisor pays for everything. The guy has no life. It's really hard because everyone he hangs out with at Best Buy is single and younger so they don't have a clue to what life is like when you're married and have a baby. Very bad influences. I just don't know what to do! I love my DH with all my heart, but I can't keep feeling like this. He tells me that I don't talk to him that I yell and ***** at him. I don't know how to get through to him that I'm not bitching but that I'm trying to tell him how it's making me feel and I just can't deal with it anymore. He's really a great guy, it's just that recently he's acting like he's 18 again! HELP!
matron
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
This would upset me too. I think you have to have a heart-to-heart to him (without screaming) and tell him that in order for the marriage to work, you'd really appreciate it if he didn't spend every night of his life at a bar. I don't think it is asking too much to have him come home to his wife and son three times a week. Good luck.
JimmysBride
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
Well... I personally would definitely be concerned here. To me, it doesn't sound like he's cheating, but then again I don't know him as well as you do. But I would be concerned nevertheless. First off, if he's drinking almost EVERY night, that could lead to bigger problems. He could develop a drinking problem and uh, is he driving home after all these beers? Is he being safe and waiting the appropriate amount of time per drink everytime he goes out? I doubt it.
You could present those two completely legitimate concerns to him in a calm manner. I also think you should approach him to talk to him about this on a night when he DOESN'T go out... or like, a Saturday afternoon. Don't suspect him of cheating because that gives him and easy excuse to become defensive and avoid addressing the real issue which is -- why does he prefer to spend so much time with these people instead of his wife? Especially since it sounds like you don't see that much of each other with his 2 jobs and new found college-like drinking behavior.
Tell him that quite frankly you just miss him and would like to spend some of that time with him. Then, you should set up a date night each week so that instead of going out to the bar to 'unwind', he can unwind with YOU over dinner at new restaurant, or a trip to the movies, etc.
I would definitely talk talk talk to him about this before it goes any further. After all the talking, he should show some desire to modify his behavior in this respect or it could spell bigger problems later on. Good luck!!!
usuk2004
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
I would guess that it's just a phase, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful. I think you need to sit him down and talk to him calmly and quietly and honestly. Tell him that you miss seeing him. Offer to help him unwind when he gets home - give him a massage or have a drink waiting for him (I know I sound like Good Housekeeping from 1952, but there's nothing wrong with showing him that you know he works hard and that you're there to be a comfort to him, not another stressor)
Is he seeing the baby at all?? Could it be that he's jealous that the baby gets so much of your attention?
If you truly in your heart feel that he's not cheating on you, then I wouldn't push the issue, it'll just make him mad. He must just need to let off some steam.
Don't worry, it'll get better!
t
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
Sorry, just a suggestion, why dont you make plans on a night you know he is going out, for the 2 of you or 3 whichever you might prefer. Or you should just get a hobby to keep your mind busy and off the matter at hand. He might not realize how you feel and he might not want to offend his supervisor.
Janice
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
That is hard, I would def be upset. Was he always a drinker?
Melissa
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
He says I scream at him... I don't!!! I keep telling him you'll know when I'm screaming! It's just that everything always turns into something whether it's little or not. Things have been stressful at home lately. But it's hard to keep a happy face on when he keeps doing this. At first I thought I was overreacting, but after talking to a few people they said they'd be mad and upset too. Talking with my DH has always been hard... he comes from a family who keeps it all inside and doesn't talk about their feelings much, and my family has always been known to yell and raise their voice, get it out of their system, and then it's over. So because of this we do have trouble communicating at times, and apparentely this is one of them.
littlebookworm4
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
That would really upset me too and I have to say that the cheating thing would be going through my head as well. Can you try to get him to compromise that he goes out 2-3 nights or half of what he works there and the others he comes home to you??
Sassyz75
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
Posted by Melissa
He says I scream at him... I don't!!! I keep telling him you'll know when I'm screaming! It's just that everything always turns into something whether it's little or not. Things have been stressful at home lately. But it's hard to keep a happy face on when he keeps doing this. At first I thought I was overreacting, but after talking to a few people they said they'd be mad and upset too. Talking with my DH has always been hard... he comes from a family who keeps it all inside and doesn't talk about their feelings much, and my family has always been known to yell and raise their voice, get it out of their system, and then it's over. So because of this we do have trouble communicating at times, and apparentely this is one of them.
I sort of understand where you are coming from. My DH also works 2 jobs and I go to school at night. And while we don't have a baby- we were going through the same thing- him hanging out after work- leaving me home, etc. You are totally justified in feeling the way you did b/c I felt the same way: unloved, unwanted and uncool- like I wasn't worthy to hang out with- just to cook & clean- and I know it sucks and it isn't what you signed on for when you said 'i do'.
I know for us- it was a larger problem- we both were a little overwhelmed and 'lost'... like our marriage and our lives were getting away from us- it was like it was just happening and we had nothing to do with it anymore. I think this can happen very easily- especially when you are overcommitted (two jobs, school, new baby, etc)...
What helped for us was therapy- which is on going. My husband also comes from a family with poor communication issues- keeping it all inside, etc. Me- I'm from a similar situation as you- large Italian 'in your face' family...
I have to say- the counselor really put it in perspective for us-and I know people laugh that we went RIGHT as soon as we were having problems- but I have to say, don't let it get any worse- because then you start to feel resentment and all sorts of other ugly emotions that don't belong in a marriage.
good luck & hang in there and FM me if you need to talk
Melissa
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
Well like I said we've been together over 11.5 years and we've never broken up. So I know we truly are soul mates. I really don't think he's cheating. But then again I'm a female worry wart, so I worry about everything already.
He's always had a couple of drinks after work at home. That's nothing new.
We have tried talking about things, and he says that I start b@tching at him as soon as he walks in the door when he gets home whether he goes out or not. I might not be the happiest person when he gets home, but I'm not b@tching at him. I guess I'm venting which he can't stand that I do that to him everytime he talks to me or sees me. To me it's venting to him its b@tching. It's just that we live in NC, I don't have many friends that I'm close enough to talk to, so my DH and my son are my life. So it's hard to talk to an infant so when I talk or see my Dh I guess I do just let everything out. I don't see him much, so when I do see him, I can't help it. He's really the only one I see.
He does miss his son. He always says how lucky I am to be with him so much. Maybe that has something to do with it. I don't know how I can change that though. He makes more than I ever would make with a PT job.
Maybe he doesn't want to upset his supervisor so that's part of the reason why he goes out. I don't think that's a big part of it... I think he's just enjoying going out with guys and relaxing.
I can admit that I haven't been the happiest person to be around. I'm really stressed lately. It all seems to stem around the money issue.
He acts like he can do whatever he wants because he works a second job. He's never worked one before until the baby came.
Calla
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
Sounds to me like both of you may be a bit depressed these days. I don't think that convincing him to come straight home after work is going to make a difference.
For the short term, I think I'd focus on ways you can make you happier. Have you thought about joining some mothers groups to make some new friends with children the same age as Caiden?
DjPiLL
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
Posted by Melissa
I really believe he's just going out and having some beers, but the more and more he does it, the more I feel like he's cheating on me even thought in my heart I know he's not.
The problem with this scenario is you can't have your cake and eat it too. This type of behavior would annoy any guy (whether they admit to it or not). You either trust that he isn't cheating... or you don't trust him.
If you trust that he isn't cheating... then I say give the guy a break. He works two jobs. Do you work at all to balance out the load?
Hell if I was working two jobs (which I actually do now)... and bringing in the entire household income... if wanted to spend time with the guys after work... i would hope I could do so without a complaint.
There are far worse things a guy can do than what he is doing. Hell... he isn't even paying for anything.
If you want to spend more time with him... then make set plans to do something. Think something up and execute it. Don't just say 'you don't see me enough'. Be a self-starter and make some plans with him and I am sure there won't be any issues.
Janice
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
I believe Melissa works full time
bxgell2
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
I agree, I think that going out every night after work and drinking with your work buddies is excessive and problematic... one or two times a week isn't so bad, but if it's every night, it signifies there may be a problem brewing. Before jumping to conclusions or confronting him, I would, as DJPill suggests, take proactive measures... don't complain, but instead, make plans. Make a special dinner, and call him and tell him you made something special for him. Send him an email and ask him for a 'date'. Go to the movies... whatever it is, I think you should first start the effort. It seems, by his behavior, that there is a problem brewing - for all you know, he's resentful that you are giving too much attention to Caiden, or that you aren't contributing enough to the household. So, I would say, take the first step forward. If that doesn't work, then you need a heart-to-heart, with no screaming or accusing, but instead, just laying it out like it is, explaining how this makes you feel.
DjPiLL
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
Posted by Janice
I believe Melissa works full time
If she works full-time... then thats a different story and I will adjust my arguement.
I just saw his working two jobs and them living in NC makes it seem like she is a SAHM.
Melissa
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
No I work FT and take care of a 1 year old after work.
Sassyz75
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
Posted by DjPiLL
Posted by Janice
I believe Melissa works full time
If she works full-time... then thats a different story and I will adjust my arguement.
I just saw his working two jobs and them living in NC makes it seem like she is a SAHM.
even if she is a SAHM that doesn't mean that she isn't entitled to some time with her husband...
While working 2 jobs is admirable- it isn't a 24 hour job- which is what being a SAHM is... so while I understand a man needs to 'cool off and relax' after working 2 jobs I think a SAHM is entitled to relaxation too- and if that means relaxing and spending time with her DH- well he should make time for her.
Janice
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
Posted by Sassyz75
[
even if she is a SAHM that doesn't mean that she isn't entitled to some time with her husband...
While working 2 jobs is admirable- it isn't a 24 hour job- which is what being a SAHM is... so while I understand a man needs to 'cool off and relax' after working 2 jobs I think a SAHM is entitled to relaxation too- and if that means relaxing and spending time with her DH- well he should make time for her.
I agree completely. she wants her husband's companionship, and she seems like there is no one else in the world she would rather hang out with then her DH,she is having a hard time figuring out why he is not coming home. A SAHM would have the same feelings, A sahm needs the campanionship since she goes thru the entire day only speaking to a 1 yr old. A SAHM is saving on daycare expenses as well
DjPiLL
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
If thats the case... then do what I said and be proactive and make plans.
Don't just say 'we never spend time with each other'. Don't bring just the problem to him... bring a solution as well.
nov04LIbride
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Re: Problem with DH... I need some advice! (LONG)
I would be upset too. As his wife, you want to think he would choose to unwind with you, not in a bar with co-workers. I was just watching Dr. Phil this week (home sick) and it was all about wives and husbands going out drinking frequently. Most of them were running away from family responsibilities. Maybe he feels too much pressure with the working 2 jobs? Is there any way you could live on the salary from just the day job? It would be worth it to me to do without the Best Buy salary to see him more...
