Question...

So this whole situation with Brad has gotten me thinking about friendship/relationships. I feel like you really find out who your true friends are in situations like this. So many people have been so awesome and concerned (including SO many of you!!! Thanks again!) yet there have been a few friends of mine and his who have not even contacted either of us to see how Brad was feeling or express concern. I know people get busy and have there own lives and thankg oodness it was only an appendectomy, but i cant imagine not expressing any ounce of concern for my friend/family/whatever.

I know that it is not fair for me to expect others to behave the way I would in a situation yet it is so difficult. My question is this: Have any of you experienced this and how did you deal with it? It is really frustrating me!

Awww Sweety Don't stress some people show their true colors and you wish they were different. It has ahppened to me and it feels crappy! But think positive and of all those great friends who did show concern!
's for you and Brad

ive dealt with this many times..ive gone through cancer with my dad,a heart attack n stroke with my mom and u would not believe how many of not only her or his friends but family just didnt even bother..yea i was po'd but i had to brush it off other wisw it would eat at me but i will tell u i will never forget those who didnt even bother to see if they were ok..but i def agree with u u def see who is a true friend when bad situations arise..it makes me appreciate the ones i do have even more

ps hope he is feeling even better today and u r getting some sleep and feeling better too

Unfortunately I've seen BOTH my parents go through cancer, chemotherapy, radiation, you name it. One is a survivor, the other passed.

The only advice I can tell you is that sometimes people have weird ways of dealing with hospitals/sickness/death. It doesn't mean they're not thinking of you, or FH. I think when I was going through each crisis, of course my closest friends would ask and offer condolences, but others didn't mention it at all-my guess is they wanted to avoid the question at all costs, because:

a) they don't know how you'll react to the question
b) they're afraid you'll break down and they don't want to be the catalyst that caused the tears
c) they figure you'll tell them when you're ready
d) it could be fear of the unknown for them-especially those who never had a friend/family member get sick.

I hope this helps, Lauren.

ohhh yes been there! I went through a very difficult time right before I met my FH. I lost some friends while I was going through a tough time in my life and I do miss them, but they couldnt understand what I was going through so they backed off, never called and we lost touch. On the other hand, it made my friendships with other friends even stronger and I couldnt believe the things they did for me.

Moral of the story: It s*cks, but when you go through things like this, you find out who your true friends are.

it's amazing how in moments like that, you realize who the important people in your life are. Now, family is always important, even when they are being less than lovable. But friends are different. There are so many different types of friends and levels of friendships. you know what I mean: like your best friend/ I know my bestfriends are like my sisters. maybe we don't talk everyday, but if I need them, they are there at the drop of a hat, and vice versa. We have been through thick and thin together.

I've had your situation happen to me: I had shoulder surgery, and couldn't do simple things for 6 months: was living alone, out of work. My best friends ellen and bill were at my place every other day to help me cook, wash my hair, you name it. the others, well needless to say 2 years later, I don't talk to them, and it doesn't faze me. You learn who your true friends are.

I, as well, had to watch my mom go through Breast Cancer twice and thank god she is in remission now, but I remember thinking that WAY too many of my friends don't seem to ask about her...and its like - okay, I know its scary and you probably dont know what to say but at least say, 'I'm here if you want to talk - I can listen.'

And in general with even the little things, FH always says I am the 'Helper' personality and no one will ever give back what I give to some of my friends....unfortunately, I've learned to accept it. It's so hard - but I'm so glad your FH is doing well. Read him a nice story or part of a book maybe while he drinks tea with a cozy blanket?

At least you get to see who your truer friends are - and you'll remember that in the future I'm sure when you've got only 2 extra tickets to a Billy Joel (or whoever you like) concert! :) hehe

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Posted by FutureMrsC614

it's amazing how in moments like that, you realize who the important people in your life are. Now, family is always important, even when they are being less than lovable. But friends are different. There are so many different types of friends and levels of friendships. you know what I mean: like your best friend/ I know my bestfriends are like my sisters. maybe we don't talk everyday, but if I need them, they are there at the drop of a hat, and vice versa. We have been through thick and thin together.

I've had your situation happen to me: I had shoulder surgery, and couldn't do simple things for 6 months: was living alone, out of work. My best friends ellen and bill were at my place every other day to help me cook, wash my hair, you name it. the others, well needless to say 2 years later, I don't talk to them, and it doesn't faze me. You learn who your true friends are.

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definitely. I think i was learning this but this just kind of solidified it for me with some people.

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Posted by MrsDrinkh20

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Posted by FutureMrsC614

it's amazing how in moments like that, you realize who the important people in your life are. Now, family is always important, even when they are being less than lovable. But friends are different. There are so many different types of friends and levels of friendships. you know what I mean: like your best friend/ I know my bestfriends are like my sisters. maybe we don't talk everyday, but if I need them, they are there at the drop of a hat, and vice versa. We have been through thick and thin together.

I've had your situation happen to me: I had shoulder surgery, and couldn't do simple things for 6 months: was living alone, out of work. My best friends ellen and bill were at my place every other day to help me cook, wash my hair, you name it. the others, well needless to say 2 years later, I don't talk to them, and it doesn't faze me. You learn who your true friends are.

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definitely. I think i was learning this but this just kind of solidified it for me with some people.

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it's a very special lesson to learn. It has it's positive and negative outcomes: you learn who truly has meaning in your life, and who your acquaintences are. it hurts to learn the lesson this way, but you find your true friends out of it. Years from now, you will realize it.

I know my friends check the status stuff & away message stuff on facebook, AIM & myspace...and when my FH's cousin was killed a few months ago, I of course mentioned him everywhere...not one of my friends asked me what the hell happened..
Even after i told 1 of my friends, (and she of course told everyone else ) did any of them call me up to see how we were doing?? Nope.

I just take it where it comes from. Sometimes people are selfish...and their true colors definetely shine in these situations.

I'm sorry that you're feeling like this now. It really stinks when you realize a friend just doesn't care, whether it be a result of a situation like this or something else.

But to play complete devil's advocate for a moment...maybe some of your friends do care, and are just very non-emoting people. Or were brought up not to pry. Or are just generally uncomfortable. I mean...I get really tweaky in hospitals, and usually just keep my mouth shut, because I have an enormous fear of sickness and death that's really overwhelming, and sometimes the easiest way to deal with it is to not deal with it at all.

Sometimes people's personalities are just quirky like that. I would hate for a friend of mine to think I don't care if I give them personal space to deal with their issues, but at the same time, I recognize that not everyone has the same way of dealing with things as I do, and expect a different reaction.

I think sometimes there are people that just don't know what to say.. so they go on saying nothing. All too often these tragedies happen and often people end up feeling alienated by those they are closest too.
My mother's BEST friend from childhood... moved away to Texas (in the mid 90's)... fast forward to like 2005 (sometime around there)... her son was tragically killed.... most likely it was an accident... but he ended up being shot in the head in their home (younger sister found him).... they believe he did it himself... and I remember one of the times she came up to NY for a visit she was talking about how there are sooo many people in Texas that she was close friends with... and they were there for the initial services they held down there (they also had services up in NY as well)...and then after that they all started ignoring her.... not malisciously... but just because they didn't know what to say to her.. so they would be very short with her if they ran into her... and wouldn't call her to invite her places anymore. Who knows though.. perhaps they felt like she needed time and space to herself... but inwards she wanted to be around other people just so she had something else to focus on and well just to have people around her. But unfortunately it didn't always work out that way. SO sometimes you might feel as though people are ignoring you or being rude... but really they just don't know how to react and feel very awkard and just don't want to make you feel worse. I know these are 2 different situations all together... but I figured perhaps this might help you get some insight on a few things... and maybe cheer you up and not think about how horrible some people are.
I'm sorry to hear abuot your FM. Hope he gets well fast. Good Luck with everything!
~Kerri

I've experienced it and unfortunately thats why I dont speak to most friends anymore. I have friends with children who care more about me than single friends with no responsibilities!

I think when we get older we learn that not being able to count true friends on one hand...isn't always a bad thing because in the long run, they outnumber the masses... you nkow?

and you know i love u super!

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN....! the problem is that yuo cant always take it personally. Its not necessarily that your friends/my friends dont care...its just that they are not like you and i....I mean..i am the type of person that always goes above and beyond for my friends. so people just arent like that and its not because they care any less... it can be because they werent raised the same way..or they just dont know what is or isnt proper in certain situations. I take it all with a grain of salt...I must say though that through this whole wedding process...although i have 7 bms all together....not all 7 are what I thought they were a year ago...true colors come out....it is hard to recognize but they do come out

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Posted by MrsDrinkh20

Im so sorry for those of you that had to deal with such terrible illnesses. I am lucky that Brad was having a surgery like this. I get the whole not wanting to get you upset thing, but at least call and see if the guy is ok ya know? Im not even thinking about me getting upset. Im fine. But come on now. Just not right. And it makes me really think twice about the people I value.

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first off i just want to send my good wishes for a speedy recovery to brad!

now, on to the important stuff.....people s u c k. some people dont think about being considerate and seeing how he's doing, not bc they dont like you/him, but bc they are too selfish in their own world to stop and send you a freaking text....i also feel that there are those people who overly express their concern, and are doing it for the merit points....but thats a different story.

unfortunately, you cant just be like 'ummmm w t f? brad was in the hosp and you couldnt even call (or text)' you kind of just have to let it go...and next time something happens to them, you will know that you don't need to be as concerned as im sure you are...bc you are a nice person and care about your friends

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Posted by KerriJohnS

I think sometimes there are people that just don't know what to say.. so they go on saying nothing. All too often these tragedies happen and often people end up feeling alienated by those they are closest too.

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I think that this is the reason for a lot of people.
I have been through tragedy myself and honestly wouldn't have gotten through it without my friends. But sometimes people don't know what to say, and they don't want to say the wrong thing for fear of making things worse.

For example, around xmas I posted about my Aunt being on her death bed. She is still alive but pretty sick. There are so many things I want to say to my cousin, who used to be like a sister to me. I want to tell her I am here for her and that I hate that we aren't close anymore, etc. But I know it isn't the right time. She has enough on her plate. So I just told her that I am always here if she needs anything.

I don't think there is an excuse for people saying nothing. A simple 'if you need anything, let me know' would suffice. But still some people don't think to even offer that.

We had a massive family tragedy about 10 years ago.

I am still amazed at the number of people I had counted among close and dear friends, and the number of them who proved me wrong.

I have a big problem with cutting people out of my life at the merest slight, and am trying to get over this. So try to be as rational as possible before you allow yourself to be hurt.

Did they know? Were they available to call? Might they STILL call?

An operation is an operation, and it doesn't take much to make a call or even send an email expressing your concern. They should have, and I don't think you're wrong to be hurt.

But it is important to remember that sometimes, people's lives get in the way of doing the right thing.

Please try to give them the benefit of the doubt. But not TOO much benefit. Good luck, and best wishes for FH's continued recovery!

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Posted by JamieAnt06202009

I went through this when my dad was really sick. His friends and even some of his family weren't there for him at all. I will never forgot this at all and it definitely showed their true colors. As for the family who weren't there for him I still talk to them but not really closely anymore and I don't feel comfortable with them like I used to. I am really sorry that your going through this, people really s*ck sometimes. Just remember all of the great people who you have in your life that do care.

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thats how i think I will be...i dont want to distance myself but I can't look at these people the same way. As danielle said before it doesnt take much to send a quick message. I wasnt asking for hospital visits or singing freakin telegrams. Just a hey how is he or do you need anything. ( I would NEVER say yes, but at least the thought was there.) These people DEFINITELY knew what was going on and definitely had ways to get in touch with me easily. Oh well. Thanks for the encouragement ladies...you are all wonderful. And thanks for asking about how we are doing!!