Brides Helping Brides ™ - Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

mboehm Posted: Dec 29, 2005 07:31 PM

Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

Hello,
I have a sticky situation here and I was hoping to get some peoples' views on it.

I am engaged to a wonderful woman whom I love very much. She really wants a small ceremony, or even no ceremony at all. We have negotiated on three bridesmaids and three groomsmen. She has her three bridesmaids all picked out, but she hasn't asked them yet.

Today I have a conversation with my parents where they say (essentially) that they would be willing to help out financially if my two sisters were bridesmaids. My mother said 'it would be a slap in our face if she didn't ask them to be bridesmaids.' My fiance, on the other hand, does not really know my sisters too well (doesn't see them more than a few times a year) and does not want them as bridesmaids. Now my fiance is very upset and is considering calling off the entire wedding over this issue; she says she 'doesn't want to have to deal with the drama.'

So here's my question: is my mother correct in her assumption that it is 'required' that the groom's sister(s) be included as bridesmaids?

Thanks for any help you can give.

-Michael B.

Happybride2005 Posted: Dec 29, 2005 07:35 PM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

people in the bridal party should be the people that you're close 2

Mrs. dleeny Posted: Dec 29, 2005 07:39 PM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

Posted by Happybride2005

people in the bridal party should be the people that you're close 2

I agree

I wouldn't want anyone in my BP that I wasn't very close with.

M&LSept1606 Posted: Dec 29, 2005 07:48 PM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

I agree with your future wife. She shouldn't have to have them in it if she does not know them. just my opinion.

your mother is being totally out of line saying that they have to be in it or she won't help with the cost. that's not right.

SillyBeans Posted: Dec 29, 2005 08:03 PM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

I agree with your wife. She should have ultimate say in who is in her bridal party. HTH!

FallBride05 Posted: Dec 29, 2005 08:09 PM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

Posted by M&LSept1606

I agree with your future wife. She shouldn't have to have them in it if she does not know them. just my opinion.

your mother is being totally out of line saying that they have to be in it or she won't help with the cost. that's not right.

I agree too. My husband has two sisters and they were not bridesmaids and nobody's feelings were hurt. We did include them in part of the bridal procession and asked them to be with us under the Chuppah as well.

Wintersbride Posted: Dec 29, 2005 08:30 PM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

I think that the people in the bridal party should be people she is close to. She shouldn't feel obligated, especially if she does not have that kind of relationship w/ them. The groom's siblings are not required to be on the bride's side of the wedding party...actually not even the bride's siblings are 'required' to be in her bridal party. It all depends on the relationship the bride has with the individual. Hope this helps.

lrs2005 Posted: Dec 29, 2005 08:49 PM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

I can see both sides of your sticky situation, on the one hand you want to be loyal to your future wife and the other hand you have your mom's wishes. You are in a predicament because you care greatly for both of these women.

Now, I can understand why your fiancee would likely want a small bridal party, it is easier and she is close to those 3 people and does not know your sisters so well. It also gives her some control of the wedding. On the other hand your mom is probably traditional and likely wants your sisters in the bridal party because 1) it gives your family some prominence in the wedding and some more 'say' in what people wear and how things are done, and 2) your mom also might think it is traditional and also will make your sisters closer to your fiancee.

So now you are in the middle of all of this. It may be about control or just a simple your mom wants your sisters closer to your future wife.

Perhaps your sisters can have other jobs - like escorting grandparents, saying a blessing or prayer.

Perhaps you can find out everyone's real desires - including your sisters. Do they even WANT to be in the bridal party?
That will put you in a better position. Sorry you are stuck in the middle.
Good luck.

waterspout4 Posted: Dec 30, 2005 01:25 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

I wasn't in my brother's wedding. I barely knew the bride. I figured it saved me money. And why would I want to be in a bridal party for a girl I barely know with bridesmaids that I don't know? There is no requirement.

And wait a minute! Your mom will chip in money to have them in the bridal party?!?! It seems too much like blackmail. They can do other things at the wedding.

Preshy7 Posted: Dec 30, 2005 08:00 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

maybe im the minority here - but i think its only right to include your future sister in laws in the bridal party.

i included everyone. i dont understand why its a big deal to have more people in the bridal party??

to me, if i was in doubt, i included them.

whats worse- buying some more boquets and another few bridal party gifts
or
a person being very upset and holding a grudge against you forever (like some people really do)

i dont know- i think she should include them...

ali120206 Posted: Dec 30, 2005 08:37 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

It's not 'required' that you include all siblings in the bridal party, I've had girlfriends that haven't included their own sisters in the bridal party.

One question, even though your fiance isn't close to your sisters, would YOU want them in your bridal party? If they are close with you, then they should be in the bridal party.

roxyspark Posted: Dec 30, 2005 08:40 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

This is you and your FI's special day. You should not be forced into anything.
I only have two BMs, I feel that these two girls will help me through the good, bad and ugly of wedding planning.
Your FI might not want to have to folllow up with your sisters if they miss appointments or if they don't like the dress, etc.
Weddings are stressful enough.

mushsgrl Posted: Dec 30, 2005 09:21 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

My sister was my MOH because we are very close, DH had his stepbrother as a groomsmen and I had asked his sister to be in the party(we used to be really close) only because we had always talked about it, but she ended up dropping out. I learned it is best only to put people close and dear to you in it. The time that she was in it, dress shopping ect. was not so good. Do what you feel is right

eroxgirl Posted: Dec 30, 2005 09:40 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

My SIL was not in my bridal party, nor was my DH in her bridal party when she got married. As siblings, they're just not that close so a close relationship between she and I never developed. I basically left the decision up to my DH though - if he had wanted her in it I would have put her in.

JanuaryBride06 Posted: Dec 30, 2005 09:42 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

Posted by dleeny

Posted by Happybride2005

people in the bridal party should be the people that you're close 2
I agree

I wouldn't want anyone in my BP that I wasn't very close with.

I agree. I've made the mistake of asking my FSIL who is completely disinterested in the wedding and barely even speaks to me.

103005FallBride Posted: Dec 30, 2005 09:46 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

Posted by JanuaryBride06

Posted by dleeny

Posted by Happybride2005

people in the bridal party should be the people that you're close 2
I agree

I wouldn't want anyone in my BP that I wasn't very close with.

I agree. I've made the mistake of asking my FSIL who is completely disinterested in the wedding and barely even speaks to me.

I agree!
DH has two Sisters. One we asked to be in the BP and the other we did not. She too barely speaks to us and we feel we should not be obligated to ask her to be in the bridal party because she is family.

dpli Posted: Dec 30, 2005 09:54 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

Posted by waterspout4

I wasn't in my brother's wedding. I barely knew the bride. I figured it saved me money. And why would I want to be in a bridal party for a girl I barely know with bridesmaids that I don't know? There is no requirement.

And wait a minute! Your mom will chip in money to have them in the bridal party?!?! It seems too much like blackmail. They can do other things at the wedding.

This is pretty much what I was going to say. I think your mom is using emotional and monetary blackmail and it really isn't fair to either of you. I was in one brother's wedding and not the other's and it was fine with me. As for people who think it is not a big deal, I didn't want BMs at all and if that hurt people's feelings, than so be it. I had a MOH & BM and that is how I envisioned my wedding for years. If your bride has a strong idea, I don't see why everyone else has to cause drama. I am sure they wouldn't want other people telling them what they should do for their weddings.

And just to look at it from another angle, I wouldn't dream of telling my DH that he had to have my brothers as GMs, unless he really wanted them in the wedding party.

LBride Posted: Dec 30, 2005 09:55 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

I'm asking my fiance's sister. I'm not that close with her but he is and would like her to be included. She will be my family and I'm assuming we will become very close in the future.

I just had this conversation with my parents also. My mom didnt ask my dad's sisters, she asked friends instead. She hardly ever talks to those friends now but we're an extremely close family.

I know I would be insulted if my fiance didnt ask my brother. I want him to be included.

Goldi1021 Posted: Dec 30, 2005 09:57 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

There are no rules on this. I didn't ask my sisters or my FH's sisters to be in my BP. My sisters would have done it if I asked them to but I think they were grateful not to. FH's sisters were apparently upset but our BP was something we chose together. They could have taken it up with him. We have included all siblings in other ways. My brother is helping my mom walk me down the aisle. His sisters are reading the 7 Jewish marriage blessings in Hebrew and English. My sisters are standing outside of the bridal room as FH and I share our first moments as husband and wife alone (Yichud). These are all very honorable things to do.

charityhope Posted: Dec 30, 2005 10:03 AM

Re: Question re: sisters and bridesmaids

I don't think there are any hard-and-fast rules about this. The real issue is: How close are you to your sisters and do you want your sisters to be in your bridal party? If you want them to be in the bridal party, why not ask them to be on your side of the bridal party? Let them stand up for the p[erson they actually know and love, for whom their presence will take on some meaning. There's no reason you can't have women on your side of the bridal party. (I had a few guys om my side and nobody had a problem with it.) If you want your sisters to be a part of your day, that's an easy solution-- mom's happy that they're involved and you didn't force your fiance to have bridesmaids who she hardly knows. On the oter hand, if you don't feel close tp them, then don't allow the pressure from your mom to makle you include them. There are other functions they can serve depending upon what kind of ceremony you are having (readings, presentation of gifts, etc.)

Good luck!