Really Personal Issue - Advice Needed - Sorry It´s Long

Hey, So I´m surprised I´m even posting this b.c not many people know but I am just not sure what to do and would like unbiased opinions. Without getting into TMI I have a cousin who sexually abused me when I was really young. Apparently I blocked everything out because it was ony years later (when I was a teenager) that my parents confirmed this to me. I have no recollection of my early childhood and mentioned this to them a few times and so they told me. (what i didn´t tell them at the time is that I would have dreams with images about the situation but I thought that was just weird dreams) As far as I am told I eventually told my mom (because i never wanted to go there but they always wanted to force me to) and my parents told his parents. Aside from that I don´t anyone in the fam knows.

Years later, I´m basically over it and don´t really hate him or anything. But I still get weird flashbacks sometimes (rarely) and every so often (rarely) I do get depressed or something about it but talk my way out of it quickly. Since that happened I´ve seen him at different family reunions, weddings, etc. Sometimes it doesn´t faze me but sometimes I get an uncomfortable feeling. I´m not rude or anything. I say hello to him and his wife but don´t linger around talking to them. (i never went to her bridal shower or their wedding)

I told my mother that I don´t want him at my wedding. She thinks that it was such a long time ago and he was just a child that I should just get over it and invite him anyway. She said she felt bad for his wife who is so sweet and is going to wonder why she isn´t invited and think that some of the fam might be offended and not come. At first I got really pissed and was like anyone who doesn´t want to come and would rather take his side then I don´t want them there anyway. (Then again most people don´t even know.)

I know that sometimes his being around doesn´t faze me but sometimes it does. I just dont´want to be uncomfortable at my own wedding.

I had told my mom that I obviously wasn´t going to go around telling people why he wasn´t invited but if people started bothering me about why he´s not invited and trying to make me feel bad I would just tell them. I dont´think this is something that he´s talked about with his wife and a lot of the fam doesn´t know. He was young at the time of the incident as well. (he couldn´t have been more than early teens I think) And I´m pretty sure it wasn´t a situation that repeated with other people. And like I said earlier I don´t hate him or anything so wouldn´t really want to be telling people this. What good would that do?

Now I´m thinking of maybe sending her the bridal shower invite and them a wedding invite when they go out but sending him an email or something explaining that for obvious reasons I would prefer he not attend.

This way the reason why I dont´want him there doesn´t have to come out, but I still get to have my wedding be carefree. I put it on him as the one not being able to go.

This all came up b.c my mom and sister are sending out the bridal shower invites iwth the save the dates. My mom called me last night to make sure I was 100% sure we weren´t inviting them to the wedding because then she wouldn´t invite her to the shower even thought she thinks she should be invited. I feel bad for his wife and don´t have anything against her. I don´t think it would bother me having her at my shower.

What do you guys think? Is it best to just outright exclude them and not send them invites (although i just realized people might just think it got lost in the mail!!) or should I send them the invites but let him know I dont´want him there?

I am so sorry this awful thing happened to u, esp coming from a family member.........
for me this is not even an issue! he should not be invited. care about ur own feelings, not what others might think or that his wife will get her feelings hurt. this is HIS fault, and he shouldnt be rewarded by being invited to YOUR special day that is about YOU and your FH.

it doesnt matter when this happened, what matters that it DID HAPPEN!

I am truly so sad to read your story

wow i am so sorry this happened to you and now you are in this difficult situation

i agree with the PP that this is YOUR day and if its gonna be ackward or upsetting to have him there then he should NOT be invited. Do what is going to make you happy. You don't owe anyone and explanation as to why he wasn't invited either....let him explain that to his wife

Oh Gem- I really dont know what to say. First of all i want to give you a big hug

That really is a sticky situation. Maybe since you didnt go to their wedding they wont come to yours if you invite them.

I think that e-mail to him would be the best way to handle it. Otherwise it would put you in the middle of drama that you really dont want during your wedding planning.

Good luck sweetie

this is horrible sweetie.. i am so sorry you had to go through this..IMO... I would not invite this person to the wedding nor would i ever speak to this person again.. family or no family.. what he did was wrong and honestly I wouldnt care if people said it was long time ago and he was young and didnt know better.. not even an issue in my eyes.. def not someone I would ever want to be around.. :( I really feel for you and I know its a tough and sticky situation when you are dealing with family.. but dont let anyone tell you different.. do what makes you feel comfortable..

I am so sorry that this happened... words cannot even express.

I don't think you should invite him to your wedding!!! I don't understand why your mom is so lax about it... if it were my daughter I would have had him killed. What happened happened and just because it was years ago doesn't make it any better. You're a strong woman for putting it behind you and actually seeing him face to face.. what courage. Absolutely DO NOT invite him to YOUR most important and special day.

Wow!! you guys are quick!! Thanks for all your support. It´s funny but I think that writting this did me some good. Aside from my parents, one prev boyfirend (who i was living with) and FH i´ve never talked about this with anyone.

Just to clarify - I definitely dont´want him there. I won´t back down about that. I was just thinking that if I send him them the invite and just tell him he has to make sure to rsvp no b.c i don´t want him there, then I don´t have to be the bad one in the situation. (according to the fam that doesn´t know about it). I definitely don´t want to get friendly with them and since I´m living overseas I see him even less now.

I was just thinking that this way he is the one that has to make up some excuse of why he´s not coming. I thought maybe this would be less of a stress to me.

One the one hand I don´t really care if people find out what happened because I don´t invite him but on the other hand I dont´know if that will bring up extra issues and stress that I dont´want before the wedding. That´s why I tought that maybe putting it on him to be the one to have to say he´s not coming would be easier. But I´m jus tnot sure if thats the best thing to do.

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Posted by StaceyWill

I wouldn't even extend the invite and then tell him he has to rvsp no, because then you actually have to talk to him about it and so on. That's a tough situation to have to deal with.

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ITA, even if he was a young teenager, he has to take responsibility for his actions. You should not invite him and if people ask why, you can tell them to ask him the reason why.

I am sorry, but IMO he should not get even an invite. not a word or any gesture from u. he just doesnt deserve the consideration, or the space on ur guest list spreadsheet.
he knows why he is not getting an invite, let him explain it away. let him face what he did and the consequences of that.
I understand that this is hard b/c its family and everyone will want to know why, but I think u should as someone said, just say a space issue

Wow.. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

I agree, and I wouldn't invite him. If you want to invite him and send him a email just to avoid issues with everyone else that seems ok. But realize, just because you tell him you'd rather him not come for obvious reasons doesn't mean he's not going to come. If it were me that would piss me off and bother me even more. Knowing that I invited you kinda out of courtesy, told you I'd rather you not come but you STILL came?! Not cool.

I agree with someone above though. I wouldn't tell anyone else in you family. You don't owe them an explanation and telling them will DEF open up a can of worms that you don't need.

I'd also talk to your mother and stres the importance of your decision and having her support you on would mean a lot to you.

HTH

Wow... I'm so sorry you had to go through this. To be honest, if I was in your situation, I wouldn't care what my family thinks. I would NOT let him be part of my day. I don't care if his wife doesn't know and I don't care if parts of the family don't know. What he did is inexcusable and although it happened many years ago, it doesn't matter. Why should he be able to share your wedding day with you when he's the cause of such trauma? If it really is causing problems though, I'd say send them the invite and everything but definitely e-mail him personally and explain that you'd prefer he not come because of what happened. So sorry you have to deal with this..

I'm soooo sorry you had to experience this.

IMO, being that it is your wedding, you have every right in the world not to invite him. Instead of people being concerned about why he wasn't invited, they should be more concerned about YOU!!!!! and what he did to YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry if that's too harsh - in a bit of a bad mood.

Hang in there!!!!

OMG im so sorry this happened to you. I wouldn't invite him b/c your wedding day is supposed to be special and you don't want any memories of what he did to you on that day especially. He does not deserve to attend your wedding ( even though it happened when you were young its still no excuse). Did he even apologize to you later on?? I would use the same excuse, about going over your minimum. No offense, but who cares about his wife feelings, do what makes you happy.

I'm really sorry that this ever happened to you - words cannot even express.

There is no way in the world that I would invite him. This is YOUR wedding and you do not owe him anything. He doesn't deserve you speaking to him or even acknowledging his existence.

I'm sorry that your mom is making this difficult for you. It really doesn't matter if it happened 1 year ago or 20 years ago, the fact that it did happen is the issue.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but that is just my honest opinion.

I am so sorry that happened to you, but you do seem to have a good handle on your emotions and I applaud you for opening up.

With that said, I fully support your opinion 100%. This is not someone you feel comfortable with having at your wedding. I know you feel bad how it will look to HER, but honestly, maybe it will force him to own up to her about why they weren't invited. Maybe he needs to recognize that this is not something you're going to forget, and he would need to come clean to her.

You can't, unfortunately, spare her feelings for yours on your wedding day