We need your help!!!! My daughter is planning her rehearsal dinner 56 days from now. We have the place and left a deposit, but now there seems to be all sort of input as to who should be invited. I say it should be people who are at the rehearsal from the church, and their immediate family (ie. Spouse, signigicant other, parents of the Jr. BM and flowergirl etc.) everyone connected to the wedding ceremony itself. Now the FIL's are inviting out of town guests that are staying with them, Grandmas and OOT Aunts and Uncles and their children.....the numbers are astounding? Then my girlfriend says that 'Ettiquette says all OOT guest should be invited too! Is this so? This would double the number of people that we planned on having. I'm relying on you ladies to clue me in! Thank you all
I've heard of inviting OOT guests too, but of all the weddings I've been a part of OOT guests were NOT invited... Plus we are also paying for the RD ourselves along with the entire wedding and HM, so...we're trying to keep it to just the BP and immediate family like you said.
Posted by LFitzy79
People do it and say it's ettiquette, but I honestly do not like it. It's ridiculous to have to shell out EVEN MORE MONEY for folks coming in for the party alone...isn't the wedding enough? Now there has to be two parties???
I agree that all these people will be there the next day, and that it's a lot of money, the thing to realize though, is that the OOT people are spending a lot of money too, a hotel room for the night and travel expenses, in addition to a wedding gift. The hard part is that it's easy to leave out members of your own family who won't be offended, but how do you know how the FIL's will react??? It's a slippery slope....the only thing to do is try to follow ettiquette so that no one feels slighted. JMO
Posted by MOBLaurel
I'm still confused. It is called a rehearsal dinner....what are we rehearsing for: the participants in the ceremony or the wedding reception? The wedding and all the related expenses (from engagement party to photographer to reception) is coming from a pool from both parents money and B & G's. So technically everyone is throwing everything.
That is my understanding as well. OOT guests are supposed to be invited as a courteousy because they are in a different state and presumably don't have any plans so it is proper to entertain them. We are having a BBQ at the house to keep the costs down.
I am going to keep mine to the bridal party and their spouse. You are going to see everyone at the wedding a few days after and it is just an additional cost that doesn't need to be.
I fought and fought with my family on this one. I lost. We had our BP and all OOT guests at our rehersal dinner. That was a total of 55 ppl.!!!! There were only 72ppl at the wedding!! We were lucky that we had friends who own a resturant and gave us a great deal.Otherwise it would have cost close to the same as the reception.
We invited the BP, their spouses/SOs, parents, grandparents, godparents, and readers. Then, we did a few OOT guests, but only those superclose to me, (i.e., my parents' siblings -my aunts and uncles - who were not my godparents but were from OOT). We ended up having 45 people, but we had over 200 at the wedding. A few of the parents thought I was nuts to ask to have that many people, and tried to make it just the BP. But my thought was - with 200 people, I won't spend quality time with my closest relatives, and I wanted to see them the night before, since I wouldn't see them afterwards (we left right after wedding and was missing post-wedding get togethers). Long story short, I invited who I wanted, no one was offended, and the parents who complained beforehand had a great time! I have heard of OOT guests being invited, but usually it's the closest of closest relatives, unless you have very few OOT guests. If you have a lot, you're inviting the whole wedding, which is not the point. I would ask them to trim the list to their closest and dearest, and leave it at that.
I really don't know --every etiquette book says something different... I agree with you, but my FH says all OOT guests should be invited. I think its up to the bride and groom. IMO, the Rehersal dinner should include just thouse who are REHERSING for the wedding --not OOT guests.
Posted by dpli
Posted by suven
Yes, etiquette says that OOT guests should be invited.
Once, I traveled with my parents to Ohio for a wedding and we were not invited to the RD. We were very offended.
So, for my RD, we had approx 50 guests. Some of the OOT guests declined because they wanted to rest that night. But, we did invite them.
I respect what you are saying, but there is no way I could have afforded a RD if I had to invite 50 people. There just wouldn't have been one. To the poster: who is paying for the dinner? If it is the grooms' family, maybe to keep the peace, you just let them do what they want....
Posted by David'sbride
Posted by dpli
Posted by suven
Yes, etiquette says that OOT guests should be invited.
Once, I traveled with my parents to Ohio for a wedding and we were not invited to the RD. We were very offended.
So, for my RD, we had approx 50 guests. Some of the OOT guests declined because they wanted to rest that night. But, we did invite them.
I respect what you are saying, but there is no way I could have afforded a RD if I had to invite 50 people. There just wouldn't have been one. To the poster: who is paying for the dinner? If it is the grooms' family, maybe to keep the peace, you just let them do what they want....
Yes, I agree. With some weddings a good amount of the guests are from OOT and the RD turns into a pre-reception. I think this takes away from the time the B and G can spend with their wedding party.
I would never expect to be invited to the RD if I was an OOT guest. JMO, but this is one of the 'new etiquette' practices that cause LI weddings to be so expensive and force couples to be engaged for 2 years to save for it and then have to live in an apt. because they have no money for a down payment on a house. There are so many places around the country that I'd be lucky to get more than a sandwhich at the reception, I would never expect to be invited to the RD.
We are definitely inviting OOT guests especially since all of mine are coming in from Europe.
Posted by italia6973
We are definitely inviting OOT guests especially since all of mine are coming in from Europe.
Posted by dpli
Posted by suven
Yes, etiquette says that OOT guests should be invited.
Once, I traveled with my parents to Ohio for a wedding and we were not invited to the RD. We were very offended.
So, for my RD, we had approx 50 guests. Some of the OOT guests declined because they wanted to rest that night. But, we did invite them.
I respect what you are saying, but there is no way I could have afforded a RD if I had to invite 50 people. There just wouldn't have been one. To the poster: who is paying for the dinner? If it is the grooms' family, maybe to keep the peace, you just let them do what they want....
Yea, I 've heard its supposed to be everyone from out of town, but a lot of people don't come the night before and wait til the day of if its an afternoon/ evening wedding, so you may be okay!
Based on what I've read, inviting out of town guests is supposedly the proper thing to do. However, realistacally and financially it just does not fit into everyone's budget. I would say (JMO) in everything being planned, instead of just focusing on etiquette we should also consider the costs. A lot of these standards were set when weddings only costed a very small fraction of what they cost these days. In this day and age a lot of couples are paying for their weddings . Etiquette says the brides parents are supposed to pay for it, there goes that rule just like a lot of other 'etiquette' rules. At the end of the day, do what is best for you and will not end up being a strain. If I was invited to an OOT wedding and made it my decision to attend, I would not take it personal if I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner.
Yes OOT guest should be invited. So long as they are already in town, otherwise it's not necessary
Posted by Chrissa
It was my mom who posted this original post. So it is our RD she was asking about.
Here is my thing ~ with just the bridal party and significants we are already at 30 people - then once we start adding OOT guest the numbers almost double!
How in the world can I afford this?
Maybe I am just having the rehursal dinner at the wrong place. It has given me such a headache.
FMIL says that she will pay extra for her OOT guest she wants to invite, but because she invites an uncle from OOT don't I then have to invite my uncle from OOT? It just open a whole new can of worms!![]()
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HELP!!!!!!
