Repost from Newlyweds: Personal Problem, Is There Hope?

I wanted to repost on this board because it gets more traffic. Sorry for the double post:

I am a fairly regular poster on the boards, but due to the nature of my problem, I would prefer to be anonymous. Here's my story:

I've been married for under a year. My husband has many psychological and emotional issues that I believe are causing harm to our marriage. There is virtually no love or affection, conversation or bonding that takes place in our marriage. He grew up in a very emotionally stilted environment, completely oposite of my own, and is terrified of any controversial or serious discussion, or of showing any kind of feeling. He does what he can, but knows he is nowhere near meeting my needs. We've had counseling, and he sees his own therapist, as do I. OK, here is the real problem.

There have been numerous instances during and before our marriage where he has had innapropriate contact with other women, some ex's and some friends and some random women. Nothing physical, as far as I know, but starting up 'friendships' with them and conversing with them on a level that should be reserved for me, as his wife. He is CONSTANTLY on his cell phone, and text messaging, saying it is just to a friend of his. I am ashamed to admit that my curiousity got the better me and I checked his phone. I found text messages to a phone number listed under a males name, though the content of the messages definitely did not seem to be to another male. I called the number, and it was a girl's voicemail that picked up. The text messages said things like 'I Love You,' 'NIce to call me back,' and some other jokey phrases. I confronted him about it and he said she was just a friend, one of his clients from work, and the I LOVE You message was just to get her attention because she was not writing back to him. Naturally, I don't believe him and am devastated. To me, there is no room for these kinds of relationships in a marriage. He refuses to talk about it anymore with me, saying he did nothing wrong, and I am over-reacting. We've pretty much left it at that, but I am very upset and distant, and suspicious of him.

I just don't know how much room for this kind of behavior there is. He's done something like this 3 or 4 other times, that I know of. I am hurt and confused and don't know how to deal.

I am interested in hearing what you ladies think about the situation, how many chances you'd give, and how much tolerance you'd have. Forgive me if this is confusing and difficult to follow. I am sure there is so much I am leaving out.

Thanks for your help

First and formost I am so sorry . I would speak with your counselor to see what she thinks, and how to get you out of this as painless as possible (if that can even happen). See I to went through a relationship like that a long time ago and I was engaged and dhe cheated emotionally and eventually physically, after seeking help through numerous options I was advised that it is serious and if the other peron (your husband) does not see this as harmful it will continue. Regardless of the fact that he has done this numerous times I don't for see this getting better for you. And if he does get the proper health how long do you suffer for. Ultimate question is can you leave him and rebuild yourself?

Thanks, Peeweesgirl. That sounds like really good advice. Sorry you had to go through a similar situation

were you aware of this behaviour during your courtship? Did he start up these types of relationships while you were dating or engaged?

I would not tolerate his behviour, but personally speaking....in a perfect world, divorce is not an option for me. Has there been any improvement since therapy sessions? Why don't you two go in together, since it's a matter of your marriage and distrust in him.

I have always been wary of female friends...no matter who I was dating (I was cheated on in the past) but have learned to trust now...and I know if it really bothered me and I asked him to stop the relationship or contact, he would,simply because I asked.

Good Luck.

I feel so sad for you but i believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel because I thought my life was over when that happened and I was sad for a lonf time but in the end I am ok and beginning a new life. I don't know where he is now and don't care where he is but I do know i will no longer suffer because of him. I know it hurts and I know exactly how you feel but believe me when I say 'this to shall pass' there is areason for verything and maybe there is something better for you waiting. If you want to stay in this please take care iof yourself first then deal with his issues he is the only one who can fix them not you me or anyone it is truly up to him. Please do not suffer to lon My heart goes out to you and you will be in my thought if you need fm anytime

Do you go for counseling together because I think it would be good for you if you can talk about this there if he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong?
You should be the one he talks to about everything and it could be very possible that he actually thinks he isn't doing anything wrong. Good luck.

I first want to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this

You should talk to your therapist about this and get professional advice to help you through this.

I think the staple of any relationship is trust and it seems to have already started to peel away. You did the right thing by confronting him but there was no way that he was going to admit to anything. If this were me, I couldn't let it go... it would eat away at me. I would bring it up again and if you really don't feel in your heart that he is telling the truth, I would suggest you take a break from him. You'll have some time to think and he'll hopefully realize that you are serious!

In answer to your question...YES...THere is always HOPE.
I'm going to play devils advocate...Or...Give him the benefit of the doubt...??
Maybe in his mind (assuming he's not guilty of physical or any real emotional connecting) he really believes there is nothing to this situation.
I would say that something is making him flirt and/or make connections with females outside the marriage...But it doesn't have to be all bad...
If you can get past it...And get him to go with you to counseling and get him to understand how much it means to you and your marriage...(without blowing up or throwing tantrums) then it might just work out in your favor...
If he won't see your point of view...Then maybe you shouldn't try to see his...Cut your losses and move on...
Only YOU know how much you are willing/capable of handling.
FM if you need.

---

Posted by peeweesgirl

What makes me think (this is only my opinion) he is aware is that he had a girls name under a guys why? if there is nothing wrong with it then why hide?

---

I don't get that either.

Thank you all for your support. This advice is really good, and I feel strongly about discussing this with him tonight. It is SO not a conversation I want to be having, but something definitely needs to be done.

Thank you again

I am so sorry you have to go throught this





When do you go for your next couples couseling session? This is something definitely to be brought up. I don't mean to be blunt but why on earth would you text message someone who is not your spouse that you love them? His answer would not be good enough for me. Maybe call the counseler and let them know you need to be seen together ASAP!!!! This should definitely be brought up in your next session!!! Good luck and I hope it all works out!!

That is what plagues me is all the secrecy, my Fi has friends in his office that are female and he talks to the them but if he ever lied about the relationship with them i.e hide there number you better beleive I would rectify that in a heart beat. See divorce isnt always the answer but if I was suffering at the hand of another individual who obviously has no idea what he is doing I would leave and start over. Let him deal with his issue with a professional.

Best of luck when you talk to him tonight... stay strong!

First off - many hugs for going through this situation

Ok, I read your post a few times and all I can say is you and he definitely have to talk and discuss things. You say that your marriage has no conversation or bonding or love - well then why is he able to be like that with another woman? Please talk to him, he's your husband and you should be able to talk to him about anything - aren't these men our best friends too?

As a child of divorce I learned we can't always blame the other woman - it takes 2 people to have a happy marriage....

Good luck to you. I hope everything works out.

---

Posted by Newlywed_Regret

I've been married for under a year. My husband has many psychological and emotional issues that I believe are causing harm to our marriage. There is virtually no love or affection, conversation or bonding that takes place in our marriage.

---

I think that line you wrote gives you the answer you are looking for. Why stay in a marriage that there is no love or support???? Also, I can't believe he is unaffectionate towards you but can be torwards other women. ??????? W T F????

You can't change people especially if they were brought up that way. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'd get out of there!

I am saying this with my own personal experience behind me. It's a long story, but if you ever want to know what 'qualifies' me to give you that bit of advice, FM me and I'll type out the whole horrible expeirence for you.

You need to take care of yourself and you desserve someone who will take care of you the way you desserve to be!

best of luck!
Lora

best of luck to you with your conversation with him tonight.
What a horrible situation to find yourself in! I can't imagine how I would react.
Just remember that you deserve the best and you shouldn't settle for anything else. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and don't let him contuniue to make you doubt yourself. No one deserves that!