Rough day...

Today my mom was moved from one rehab facility to another. The place where she is now, she had been a year ago receiving rehabilitation services after her triple bypass heart surgery (this being at the same time and in the same place where my father was before he died) As soon as she got there, she demonstrated quite clearly to me, that she wasn't focused on what she needed to do to rehabilitate. She was not paying attention to the administrators when they were telling her how important it is for her to do her therapy. I think she thinks shes in a spa. She has a major hearing impairment and often pretends to hear things she cant so it is very important that we tell everyone there NOT to tell HER things but to call my sister, her health care proxy, who can put things in simple terms for her to understand. Medical personnel often do not have the patience for this.

Well anyway, one of the first things she wanted to do was to have me wheel her over to the unit where my father was in palliative care (nice way of saying hospice) to say hi to all of the nurses who took care of him before and as he died. I refused to take her and she got pi$$ed at me. She forgets that this was the last place I saw my father alive. It has been very hard for her but she is incapable, at this point and forever on, to realize that other people were effected by his passing too. I was crying in her room and wanted to leave. I felt that the past 6 months after losing Daddy never happened and that we never left. They all remembered her and him and us kids for that matter - THATS how long we were there - 9 months in total at the same time planning a wedding I knew my father would never live to see, but wanted me to have.

I REALLY didnt need this now. 21 days to go - I am emotionally drained.

Please do not tell me to stay or be strong. I don't have to be right now. I just need a break from all of this. I cannot wear make up anymore because I am afraid that I'll cry all of the time.

thought u could use a

oh leslie, I dont know what to say but maybe these will help

Maybe you just need a mini vacation to get your mind off things, take Ed and go away for the weekend. (I know easier said than done with the Super Bowl next weekend) but you would be surprised how much it helps sometimes.

And I am sorry you are going through this much stress so close to your wedding day, but you know if you need anything, regardless of the hour, I'm here, because I truly understand.

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Posted by BKtoLI

Maybe you just need a mini vacation to get your mind off things, take Ed and go away for the weekend. (I know easier said than done with the Super Bowl next weekend) but you would be surprised how much it helps sometimes.

And I am sorry you are going through this much stress so close to your wedding day, but you know if you need anything, regardless of the hour, I'm here, because I truly understand.

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I know you do - thank you!

I don't know what to say besides that I am sorry, but I can offer hugs

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Posted by Goldi1021

Today my mom was moved from one rehab facility to another. The place where she is now, she had been a year ago receiving rehabilitation services after her triple bypass heart surgery (this being at the same time and in the same place where my father was before he died) As soon as she got there, she demonstrated quite clearly to me, that she wasn't focused on what she needed to do to rehabilitate. She was not paying attention to the administrators when they were telling her how important it is for her to do her therapy. I think she thinks shes in a spa. She has a major hearing impairment and often pretends to hear things she cant so it is very important that we tell everyone there NOT to tell HER things but to call my sister, her health care proxy, who can put things in simple terms for her to understand. Medical personnel often do not have the patience for this.

Well anyway, one of the first things she wanted to do was to have me wheel her over to the unit where my father was in palliative care (nice way of saying hospice) to say hi to all of the nurses who took care of him before and as he died. I refused to take her and she got pi$$ed at me. She forgets that this was the last place I saw my father alive. It has been very hard for her but she is incapable, at this point and forever on, to realize that other people were effected by his passing too. I was crying in her room and wanted to leave. I felt that the past 6 months after losing Daddy never happened and that we never left. They all remembered her and him and us kids for that matter - THATS how long we were there - 9 months in total at the same time planning a wedding I knew my father would never live to see, but wanted me to have.

I REALLY didnt need this now. 21 days to go - I am emotionally drained.

Please do not tell me to stay or be strong. I don't have to be right now. I just need a break from all of this. I cannot wear make up anymore because I am afraid that I'll cry all of the time.

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Don't feel bad about needing a break. If you look at any book about caring for an elderly parent or a disabled family member, they all talk about what you have to do for yourself! As far as mom's hearing, we went through the same thing with my grandmother pretending to hear things and minsinterpreting. Oh, how frustrated I was! I was just thinking about you today, and what dynamic personality you have, the way you stand out even just on a web board! You'll have a great wedding that your guests will enjoy. You should enjoy it, too. Right now, unfortunately, your mom's situation won't change a whole lot by you stressing--not that it's easy to stop! Oh, I just never know what to say but I keep thinking that I will find the right words that will at least help you temporarily!

Just remember that your father is watching you and that when you cry he catches your tears.

we love you Leslie...vent all you want...we are all here for you..always!!

First...

Leslie, Can they release your mom a few days before and get a private duty nurse, physical/occupational therapist/home health care aid to be with her for a few days? I know that medicare covers this to a certain extent. I went through this with my grandmother who lived with us. Very trying but she had excellent care at home. I even invited her home health care aid to my wedding that's how much she became part of our family.

You don't need any of this, but if any of these options are viable, please investigate them. Glad you have your sister.

She can always go back into the facility if she needs to. The doctor can order it.

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Posted by Blu-ize

First...

Leslie, Can they release your mom a few days before and get a private duty nurse, physical/occupational therapist/home health care aid to be with her for a few days? I know that medicare covers this to a certain extent. I went through this with my grandmother who lived with us. Very trying but she had excellent care at home. I even invited her home health care aid to my wedding that's how much she became part of our family.

You don't need any of this, but if any of these options are viable, please investigate them. Glad you have your sister.

She can always go back into the facility if she needs to. The doctor can order it.

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Great suggestions - thank you. My two sisters are very well versed in what insurance can cover and what her needs are. Every avenue of possibility has been raked over with a fine toothed comb. Of course it is our main priority to make sure Moms gets the optimum care without putting herself at risk for anything such as infections, pneumonia or anything else. My mom already lives with home healh aides in the house. they are both invited to the wedding. I would like to have an RN with Mom for the day of the wedding so that my family can enjoy themselves with little or any worry.

She will be receiving OT/PT services in her current placement and probably once she is home. HOWEVER, once she is home, it is entirely up to my mother to develop the motivation necessary to improve her quality of life. She does not do that. She didn't do it the last time after her heart surgery. Before Dad died, she went to a center and had it done there. After her heart surgery, the therapists came to the house and Mom would refuse to do workcaliming she was in pain or too tired.

So you see, we could get her every therapist in the book, of the finest quality, but if she isnt motivated to move, its worth diddly. I have everyone saying 'Oh she has a wedding and a Bat Mitzvah to look forward to, she'll do it!' to which my response is an eye roll and a 'yeah right.' I know my mother better than the general population. I do not blame her though. Its been a crappy year for us. She is losing her ability to identify with others as many elderly people do. They slowly revert back to the mentality of a child and it becomes all about themselves. She doesn't have Alzheimers or dementia, shes just growing older - my father had Alzheimers so I know what I am dealing with.

What I need to do now is develop a thick skin and learn how to deal with it, because she will not have a psychological breakthrough and change. It is what it is. Thanks.

Leslie -

You're right, you don't have to be strong now. Your sister is mom's HCP, and that is her job!! Your job my dear is to focus on the wedding. You know better than anyone that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink. I am not suggesting you give up fighting for your mom to do what she needs to do, I am however suggesting that you stop beating yourself up over her unwillingness to do what it takes.

Your parents were together for a very very long time. From experience with friends and family, I know it is very hard for a surviving spouse to want to continue after they have lost their soul mate, and one true love. Not of course, that you don't already know this, but I wanted to let you know that someone else understands that feeling as well.

You have put too much time and effort into making your day a truly wonderful and magical experience. Do not lose the magic and wonder of beginning a new life with Ed. Your father will be watching down on his girl and he wants you to happy. If your mom wants to rain on HIS parade, then so be it. Maybe you should remind her that he wouldn't want to see her behaving this way.

I don't know if this helped or made things worse, but I hope it helps to know someone understands where you are at. If you need anything, I'm here for you.