Sad and Brokenhearted

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Posted by allornil

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by J79

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by J79

i have a question...what type of family environment did he grow up in? i think this plays a huge part in his communication and sweep everything under the rug attitude

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It plays a lot in this: his dad was never caring to his mom, did his own thing. could get up and leave and not come home for days.....

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ok, so we're basically having a therapy session with or without him

that is exactly the reason he thinks its okay that he does this!!

and it sounds like you both need to change. you cant attack him and freak out that hes not home yet. thats why he doesnt pick up the phone bc he doesnt want to deal with it. if you werent like that, he wld pick up and then you wouldnt be fighting about it

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I wasnt freaking out and I wasnt harrassing him. i was worried and calling to see if he was okay.

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I think 2.5 hrs late is sort of ok to start calling. Id be worried too. When FH is out w some friends i know they drink too much and i want to know there's a DD

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Exactly. especially when he said at 9:45 he was on his way home.

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Posted by J79

wow, i'm so sorry to hear that! dont jump to any conclusions! it was only a fight and i'm sure it started about wedding planning and stress

remember why you decided to get married in the first place. i'm sure it will be okay!

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ITA Stay strong!

Thank you ladies for all your help and support last night. I am glad I have extended friends who can help even though we never met. I spent last night crying and trying to reason and talk to him. If this was the first time, I would let it be, but it's happened before and he promised that it wont happen again. When I asked him if he could promise again that that was the last time, he said he will try, but can't guarantee. I wish this was just a fight and that we could get past it, but it feels like it will be a hurdle. He has a history of hiding things from me (small unimportant stuff), going out with the boys till 3am (it has been less, but still happens), not calling or texting, etc. If I don't put my foot down, this is how our lives will always be. I love him with all my heart, but this is not the life I want to live. This is not the life I want for my son. I need FH to be mature and responsible and put an end to the hanging out and partying, to hiding things from me and the little lies.

There is obviously a reason why we decided to get married. We love each other, but now I am afraid that is not enough :(
He says he will try to not let it happen again, but I have heard that the last time when he promised. He says I like to talk things to death and argue but if nothing changes what else can I do? I promised we wouldn't fight and we haven't but he was the cause of this fight! Do I want it to end? NO. I spent 6 years of my life with this man and gave him a son, but if he can't fight for us, why should I?

So heartbroken:(

I;m so sad reading this thread bc I can feel how sad you are over this.

Look, men mature much slower than women. That's a fact.

He needs to understand that he is a father now. It';s not cool to hang out til all hrs while you;re home worrying w the baby.

What if something happened to the baby and you couldn't get in touch w him?

I think his admitting that he probably won't change is HUGE here.

Are there other issues you can't deal with as well?

Honestly, a wedding is cool and everything but in the end, it's just a huge party.

Don't be upset but I'd put a hold on everything for a bit. You have some time to work things out.

I'm so sorry you are going through this - I hope you and FH can work out your problems. Maybe putting the wedding on hold and working out the issues between the 2 of you first is the best way to go.

You have to worry about you and your son first - and I know 6 years is a long time but you and your son deserve a stable man who you can rely on to be there and who is honest w/ you both.

Love is powerful and it sure is blind. All the best in figuring out what is next - we are all here to listen.

ugh...I'm so so so sorry you are dealing with this!



The only option left is couples therapy

did you ask him about this?

if he is willing to go then you have a chance

if he is not willing to go then I think you definitely have some serious thinking to do

again, do not make any haste decisions...and also do not tell anyone or at least do not tell too many people that you are dealing with this (aside from us) you now parents, friends, siblings...

try to work it out privately...you dont want this putting a damper on things if it all works out in the end

not that it makes the situation any better; but when you were texting him what were you saying? 'Are you ok' or something along those lines? I just can't wrap my head around why he wouldn't respond if you were texting out of concern?? Even if he just said 'still out' even if that made you more mad; just seems crazy that he wouldn't respond at all. what if you were in an emergency and trying to get in touch?

ETA: just let him know; you're not trying to control him. Just a simple 'hey babe still out w/the guys' text so that you're not home going crazy it all it takes.

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Posted by LoveyDovey

ugh...I'm so so so sorry you are dealing with this!



The only option left is couples therapy

did you ask him about this?

if he is willing to go then you have a chance

if he is not willing to go then I think you definitely have some serious thinking to do

again, do not make any haste decisions...and also do not tell anyone or at least do not tell too many people that you are dealing with this (aside from us) you now parents, friends, siblings...

try to work it out privately...you dont want this putting a damper on things if it all works out in the end

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I told him about therapy and he said he doesn't need help. He said he loves me but doesn't see how going out is the end of the world. He said he wants to be with me, but cant take the fighting and seems like we will always be down this path.

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Posted by Notwedyet08

not that it makes the situation any better; but when you were texting him what were you saying? 'Are you ok' or something along those lines? I just can't wrap my head around why he wouldn't respond if you were texting out of concern?? Even if he just said 'still out' even if that made you more mad; just seems crazy that he wouldn't respond at all. what if you were in an emergency and trying to get in touch?

ETA: just let him know; you're not trying to control him. Just a simple 'hey babe still out w/the guys' text so that you're not home going crazy it all it takes.

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I texted him are you okay, whats ur 20 (we always text each other this when we wanna know where the other one is). I texted that i am worried. I NEVER texted that I was mad or cursing at him. I even texted to please just let me he is okay.

My messages stated the same as well.

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by Notwedyet08

not that it makes the situation any better; but when you were texting him what were you saying? 'Are you ok' or something along those lines? I just can't wrap my head around why he wouldn't respond if you were texting out of concern?? Even if he just said 'still out' even if that made you more mad; just seems crazy that he wouldn't respond at all. what if you were in an emergency and trying to get in touch?

ETA: just let him know; you're not trying to control him. Just a simple 'hey babe still out w/the guys' text so that you're not home going crazy it all it takes.

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I texted him are you okay, whats ur 20 (we always text each other this when we wanna know where the other one is). I texted that i am worried. I NEVER texted that I was mad or cursing at him. I even texted to please just let me he is okay.

My messages stated the same as well.

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i'm sorry-How old is he? He just seems to be acting very young & immature!

I think that if you are making it clear that you are NOT mad that he went out, but that he didn't let you know he was ok, and he still thinks you are being unreasonable, then that is the issue.

And honestly, it is EXTREMELY mature of you to recognize that while you love a person, that does NOT mean you should stay together. I mean...its horrible to think about, I am sure. But there are A LOT of girls out there (myself included) that even when they have the same fight a billion times, and can't get the guy to be as caring and considerate as she is, stays with him because she loves him.

And I am sure you both love eachother. But if something like this is something that he will not move an inch, what is gonna happen when you have issues that aren't as black and white as this one?

No one should change, like, who they are for a person. But when you agree to get married, you agree to consider the person you are marrying as much as if not more then you consider yourself or what you want. You have to know that BOTH of you are willing to do that, and everything that comes with it, you know?

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Posted by alicia6650

I think that if you are making it clear that you are NOT mad that he went out, but that he didn't let you know he was ok, and he still thinks you are being unreasonable, then that is the issue.

And honestly, it is EXTREMELY mature of you to recognize that while you love a person, that does NOT mean you should stay together. I mean...its horrible to think about, I am sure. But there are A LOT of girls out there (myself included) that even when they have the same fight a billion times, and can't get the guy to be as caring and considerate as she is, stays with him because she loves him.

And I am sure you both love eachother. But if something like this is something that he will not move an inch, what is gonna happen when you have issues that aren't as black and white as this one?

No one should change, like, who they are for a person. But when you agree to get married, you agree to consider the person you are marrying as much as if not more then you consider yourself or what you want. You have to know that BOTH of you are willing to do that, and everything that comes with it, you know?

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I agree completely! FH make very conscious efforts to include the other in all decisions. Granted we don't have any children yet, but if he is planning to be out, I try not to push for an ETA, only because I know how hard it is to end the night when you are having fun. He does the same for me.

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Posted by Notwedyet08

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by Notwedyet08

not that it makes the situation any better; but when you were texting him what were you saying? 'Are you ok' or something along those lines? I just can't wrap my head around why he wouldn't respond if you were texting out of concern?? Even if he just said 'still out' even if that made you more mad; just seems crazy that he wouldn't respond at all. what if you were in an emergency and trying to get in touch?

ETA: just let him know; you're not trying to control him. Just a simple 'hey babe still out w/the guys' text so that you're not home going crazy it all it takes.

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I texted him are you okay, whats ur 20 (we always text each other this when we wanna know where the other one is). I texted that i am worried. I NEVER texted that I was mad or cursing at him. I even texted to please just let me he is okay.

My messages stated the same as well.

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i'm sorry-How old is he? He just seems to be acting very young & immature!

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29!!! and his friend is also the same age and married with a kid! Monkey see, Monkey do

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by Notwedyet08

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by Notwedyet08

not that it makes the situation any better; but when you were texting him what were you saying? 'Are you ok' or something along those lines? I just can't wrap my head around why he wouldn't respond if you were texting out of concern?? Even if he just said 'still out' even if that made you more mad; just seems crazy that he wouldn't respond at all. what if you were in an emergency and trying to get in touch?

ETA: just let him know; you're not trying to control him. Just a simple 'hey babe still out w/the guys' text so that you're not home going crazy it all it takes.

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I texted him are you okay, whats ur 20 (we always text each other this when we wanna know where the other one is). I texted that i am worried. I NEVER texted that I was mad or cursing at him. I even texted to please just let me he is okay.

My messages stated the same as well.

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i'm sorry-How old is he? He just seems to be acting very young & immature!

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29!!! and his friend is also the same age and married with a kid! Monkey see, Monkey do

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what does his friend's wife think about that?

29 is old enough to know better. if you guys didn't have a kid, I'd have a diff opinion I think.

can you compromise and have 1 night where you both go out and don't worry about times etc?

I'm trying to find a middle ground.

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Posted by allornil

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by Notwedyet08

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by Notwedyet08

not that it makes the situation any better; but when you were texting him what were you saying? 'Are you ok' or something along those lines? I just can't wrap my head around why he wouldn't respond if you were texting out of concern?? Even if he just said 'still out' even if that made you more mad; just seems crazy that he wouldn't respond at all. what if you were in an emergency and trying to get in touch?

ETA: just let him know; you're not trying to control him. Just a simple 'hey babe still out w/the guys' text so that you're not home going crazy it all it takes.

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I texted him are you okay, whats ur 20 (we always text each other this when we wanna know where the other one is). I texted that i am worried. I NEVER texted that I was mad or cursing at him. I even texted to please just let me he is okay.

My messages stated the same as well.

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i'm sorry-How old is he? He just seems to be acting very young & immature!

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29!!! and his friend is also the same age and married with a kid! Monkey see, Monkey do

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what does his friend's wife think about that?

29 is old enough to know better. if you guys didn't have a kid, I'd have a diff opinion I think.

can you compromise and have 1 night where you both go out and don't worry about times etc?

I'm trying to find a middle ground.

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Yea, the whole you each having a chance to go out sounds good... i think sometimes they forget that the moms are home more w/o the option to get out as much and its like they are more 'free' if that makes sense. I always feel I check with FH to make sure its ok (not for approval as much to make sure he doesnt have plans he forgot to tell me) where as I feel he just assumes he can come and go whenever and I will always be there to take care of the kids. Regardless of what time you stay out till, i totally get the whole just droping a text/call saying - 'hey im not dead on the side of the road somewhere.' FH also does this and it drives me NUTSSSSSSSS he never has his phone on him or doesnt hear it and its my biggest issue with him!!! What if something happened to you or your son (god forbid!) and you NEED him... I totally understand. regardless of whether or not he's out all night (and im not saying partying till all hours all the time is ok) but you need to be able to depend on him and know he will be there and acessable if you needed him. hang in there girlie!!!

Hey Chica...
I am so sorry this is happening to u...

Try going to Couple therapy...
Talk more with him...
Perhaps tell him the CONSEQUENCES if he does this... You son will grow up in a world where He would think its ok to go out at any time and come back at any time... Your Son will be watchin/hearing your fights...

TELL HIM THAT....

By reading ur post, U seem to be sure about this, Especially since this is a problem that has been going on quite a while... You may just wait for the wedding...
Just like Allorni said, Wedding is just a ONCE time experience, MARRIAGE howeever is a LIFETIME experience.. If ur start ur marriage, arguin and NOT trusting ech other.. It may nt be a GOOD idea...

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Posted by allornil

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by Notwedyet08

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by Notwedyet08

not that it makes the situation any better; but when you were texting him what were you saying? 'Are you ok' or something along those lines? I just can't wrap my head around why he wouldn't respond if you were texting out of concern?? Even if he just said 'still out' even if that made you more mad; just seems crazy that he wouldn't respond at all. what if you were in an emergency and trying to get in touch?

ETA: just let him know; you're not trying to control him. Just a simple 'hey babe still out w/the guys' text so that you're not home going crazy it all it takes.

---

I texted him are you okay, whats ur 20 (we always text each other this when we wanna know where the other one is). I texted that i am worried. I NEVER texted that I was mad or cursing at him. I even texted to please just let me he is okay.

My messages stated the same as well.

---

i'm sorry-How old is he? He just seems to be acting very young & immature!

---

29!!! and his friend is also the same age and married with a kid! Monkey see, Monkey do

---

what does his friend's wife think about that?

29 is old enough to know better. if you guys didn't have a kid, I'd have a diff opinion I think.

can you compromise and have 1 night where you both go out and don't worry about times etc?

I'm trying to find a middle ground.

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I think the problem is him not calling; not that he was out late. He needs to know that whether your out having drinks w/the girls; or home with your son that you're concerned for his well being and he should at least call/text so you both know the other is ok.

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Posted by LoveyDovey

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by LoveyDovey

after 6 years of being together, you can't just give up

you should try to work it out, obviously if your hearts arent in it then it won't work

but if you love each other and cant imagine life without each other, it will work out!

and whoever suggested couples counseling has a great idea
sometimes you need a neutral party and a wake up call to make it work

I have a rec if you want one for counseling p.s.

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I don't want it to end. I don't want to be anywhere else but here, but we need to talk about this and he doesn't want to talk. He just wants to drop it. I was the one that wanted to talk to someone and have them help us. I think the movie 'why did I get married' was a perfect example and sometimes talking it out makes it all work!! Holding it in, ends relationships.

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he has to be willing to work it out and admit there is a problem

sometimes we take each other for granted
and if he knows he has gotten away with it before, he probably feels like this will blow over and everything will be back to normal

he needs to know you're seriously hurt and worried about your future

figure out a way to get through to him...only you know him so only you know how to do this

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Agreed

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by LoveyDovey

ugh...I'm so so so sorry you are dealing with this!



The only option left is couples therapy

did you ask him about this?

if he is willing to go then you have a chance

if he is not willing to go then I think you definitely have some serious thinking to do

again, do not make any haste decisions...and also do not tell anyone or at least do not tell too many people that you are dealing with this (aside from us) you now parents, friends, siblings...

try to work it out privately...you dont want this putting a damper on things if it all works out in the end

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I told him about therapy and he said he doesn't need help. He said he loves me but doesn't see how going out is the end of the world. He said he wants to be with me, but cant take the fighting and seems like we will always be down this path.

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I'm so sorry! :(

Maybe try a different apporach to suggesting thereapy. Let him think that it's not just him that needs the 'help.' Couples counseling will teach the two of you to communicate and maybe help him understand as to how his actions effect you.

Hang in there. People say things they don't really mean in the heat of the moment.