Sad and Brokenhearted

coming from someone who has kids... if this doesnt happen on a weekly basis, i would forget about it. fh has done this a few times- and it freaked me out. but in the grand scheme of things- he works really hard at work and on our home- is a good dad- and sometimes he needs to go blow off steam. if he isgreat all around and just does this on occassion- i would find something else to worry about. they just dont think like us

there is a Ciara song - you should listen to the song and there's a part of the song where Ciara says
*********************************************
Wish we could switch up the roles
And I could be that...
Tell you I love you
But when you call I never get back
Would you ask them questions like me?...
Like where you be at?
Cause I'm out 4 in the morning
On the corner rolling
Doing my own thing
**********************************************

If you reversed the roles would he like it?
If you were out with your son, saying your headed home and showed up 5 hours late without a phone call, how would he feel?

I'm soooo sorry your going through this

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Posted by Colcas2011

coming from someone who has kids... if this doesnt happen on a weekly basis, i would forget about it. fh has done this a few times- and it freaked me out. but in the grand scheme of things- he works really hard at work and on our home- is a good dad- and sometimes he needs to go blow off steam. if he isgreat all around and just does this on occassion- i would find something else to worry about. they just dont think like us

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Even though i don't think what he did was right-she has a point...

I think a major problem here is that he gave you an ETA, and then didn't come home - he actually caused your worry. That's not the same as going out with the guys and just coming home late.

If it really comes to a point where it's make or break, maybe you can find a couples therapist that can come to your home and you can explain to him with the therapist there that you seriously need to work it out and this is your last effort. The therapist can act as a mediator at the very least. If he's still not willing to open up/work on it, I think you have to think very hard about that.

as much as i think couples therapy could work, if he doesn't even want to talk to her about the issues, he's definitely not going to want to talk to a complete stranger about them.

i think it's a huge problem that he doesn't think there is anything wrong with his behavior.

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Posted by allornil

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by Notwedyet08

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Posted by Lana and Johan

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Posted by Notwedyet08

not that it makes the situation any better; but when you were texting him what were you saying? 'Are you ok' or something along those lines? I just can't wrap my head around why he wouldn't respond if you were texting out of concern?? Even if he just said 'still out' even if that made you more mad; just seems crazy that he wouldn't respond at all. what if you were in an emergency and trying to get in touch?

ETA: just let him know; you're not trying to control him. Just a simple 'hey babe still out w/the guys' text so that you're not home going crazy it all it takes.

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I texted him are you okay, whats ur 20 (we always text each other this when we wanna know where the other one is). I texted that i am worried. I NEVER texted that I was mad or cursing at him. I even texted to please just let me he is okay.

My messages stated the same as well.

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i'm sorry-How old is he? He just seems to be acting very young & immature!

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29!!! and his friend is also the same age and married with a kid! Monkey see, Monkey do

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what does his friend's wife think about that?

29 is old enough to know better. if you guys didn't have a kid, I'd have a diff opinion I think.

can you compromise and have 1 night where you both go out and don't worry about times etc?

I'm trying to find a middle ground.

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His friends wife is more upset than I am. I don't mind him going out, we just need to work all of this out. I am hoping he agrees to therapy. I think it can help us

We have done the therapy thing and it did help. but both parties have to be willing to be open and honest.

FH has done this to me also. What i think he doesnt understands is that i am not mad about him hanging out all night.....I am mad because i was worried and thought something happen to him. Guys dont think that way and think we are overreacting. I totally understand how you feel but like another poster said, try to look at the bigger picture.

Hi ladies: An Update:


Thanks for all the support and advise. So last night, I let it ALLLLL out.
I got home and after Jonathan went to sleep (I don't like to talk things out in front of him), I told Johan how I feel. I said that without communication and trust, we got NOTHING! I suggested therapy because I felt like a neutral party can help us see the problems and maybe help find a solution that works for best. Although at first he agreed to it, he was a bit hesitant as the conversation went on. He said he was tired of talking about this for the past four days and was emotionally drained. I told him that for 6 years i have put up with a lot. All the lies, hiding things, going out, etc. and I have had enough. I told him that through the years, he never had a reason to doubt me. He knew everything. I don't even have a key to the mailbox (lost mine) cause I don't have anything to hide and don't care if he sees or even opens my mail. I told him that he has a beautiful family that he is on the verge of losing and no matter who he gets with after, she too will have the same issues if she is a normal girl. No woman/wife wants her man out and about, lying and ****. I told him that love and relationships is a battle and it will be a bumpy road and there will be fights and arguments. The key is to go through it together and not RUN anytime something gets hard. I told him that right now we are at a crossroads and we need to see which path to take. I said no matter what, his son will always be his son and we can't make the decision just for him. I said a lot more that I can't remember...lol. I said he is turning into his dad (his dad left his family to go back to DR) and I said u were mad and judged him when that happened, but look at you NOW! You are no better. I told him if he loses me, he will lose more than he thinks and when he realizes it, it will be too late. I broke down and cried and then I said this is a separation period. He has his chance to change and make it right, but that window wont be open for long. As of last night, I am done talking about it and crying about it. The ball is in his court. I walked out, closed the door and let him be alone.

This morning, he woke up and went to hug me and tell me he loves me. He texted me when he left that he hopes we can put the past horrible 4 days behind us and he doesn't want to lose his family. Do you think he gets it? Or is it just a way to let me forgive him? I didn't call him back. he called me at work and asked if I was lost...lol. I said no, just really busy today. I said something like 'everyone needs me today' and he said 'yeah, I do too'. I donno girl. I don't know what to do. Do I let this fight go and let him prove himself? Is he really ready to change? Does he see that I am serious?

i would let him stew for a little bit and maybe discuss this again at the end of the day. i wouldn't let him off this easy.

hon all you can do is wait and see if he's serious. give him some time but be realistic.

I pick my battles w FH. sometimes he makes me insane and I wanna dump his body in a ditch! sometimes I wanna hug him and never let him go.

in the end what you're looking for is trust and respect. maybe if you don't give in, he'll see that he needs to give a little. You're not asking him never to go out, you;re asking him to be honest about where he is and to at least respect you enough to answer his phone when you call to say he's ok.

99% of the time we ask a question, we know the answer to it already, and are looking for confirmation.
i think you know what you want to do, and from the times we FM'd ... i think you are willing to give it another shot, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. i think you made a good point of him judging his father, maybe he never looked at it in that way?
in any case, i wish you the best ... and keep that # i gave you! :)

I wouldn't even think about 'is he serious? does he get it??' because that is no longer YOUR concern. You have played your part in that as best you could, and now its up to him.

And if he gets it, that is a HUGE turning point for you.

And if it turns out he doesn't, well you have already done the emotional response, and at that point, you will calmly and logically make up your mind.

Good for you for letting him know what is actually on the line.

As of today, he has called me three times at work to see how I am doing. He has asked me to lunch (we work around each other) and at lunch he was all lovey dovey (which he hardly ever is). I think I am going to let it be for now and see how it goes. He brought up going to get my rings this weekend and the bridal show in Sept, so I am guessing he wants to work this out which is great.

Thank you ladies for all your support and letting me vent. It is only my fellow brides that will truly understand...

Anyone down for a drink :)_

i'm glad you let it all out!!!

I would not dive back in right away.

I would defnitelyyyy let him stew.
He needs to sit on this for awhile and he and you need to be sure he is not acting off emotion because he is sad/lonely now.

and I know I keep saying this but its true and how I feel...if he is really serious, then he will go to counseling. And counseling is not a one time thing, you will both need to go mulitple times
and it will suck and be painful for awhile

but I really think that's the only thing that will actually bring about change


you need to hold off on the wedding plans...not speak to him for a few days...and let time run its course

unfortunately, it will be a 'what if' for awhile
but you know, all relationships are technically a 'what if'

give him the benefit of the doubt for now...but he needs to SHOW you he's for real, not just talk about it!

but it seems like you're making some good progress

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Posted by Lana and Johan

Do you think he gets it? Or is it just a way to let me forgive him? I didn't call him back. he called me at work and asked if I was lost...lol. I said no, just really busy today. I said something like 'everyone needs me today' and he said 'yeah, I do too'. I donno girl. I don't know what to do. Do I let this fight go and let him prove himself? Is he really ready to change? Does he see that I am serious?

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Congratulations on taking a stand! My friend went through this, and I totally feel for you because its a rotten situation to be in HOWEVER you did the right thing by laying it out straight for him.

The ball is now in his court. Do NOT back down. I would leave the house for a few days if possible, take your son with you - stay at your parents or a friends' house. Tell him you want to give him space for him to 'evaluate things'. In my experience, men don't change. They just beg and plead until you go back to the way you were before the fights happened. Men only react when their status quo changes. Once he sees that (1) you left and are not giving him a detailed itinerary of your whereabouts, (2) you really ARE serious about ending the relationship and calling off the wedding, and (3) ARE serious that you have zero tolerance for his selfish behavior in the past, then at that point he will either change and work on mending the relationship, or wants out.

Lots of because this is a situation where you are better off starting fresh than getting married and facing a bitter divorce down the line. And don't convince yourself that because its a 6 year relationship, that its worth saving/fightiing over. I've seen people who've been married 15 and 30 years get divorced. When you reach a point of 'enough is enough', then you just know.

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Posted by dolores4321

i am so happy to hear you two are working it out! best of luck to you girl!

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i agree.. just take things day by day.