Brides Helping Brides ™ - sad with fmil

lonal Posted: Apr 26, 2008 12:07 AM

sad with fmil

My mom just slipped and mentioned that she has been trying to get in touch with fmil and hasn't heard back from her. I then pried out of my mom that fmil has done NOTHING for my shower. They aren't doing anything for the wedding either. I have an AMAZING family that is helping out sooooo much but it makes me sad that no one on fhs side (other than one fsil) is doing anything. My mom made me promse not to say anything to fh or moh so i needed to get it off my chest somehow! You girls are always here! Thanks!

shell1879 Posted: Apr 26, 2008 12:19 AM

Re: sad with fmil

wow were you under the impresion that they were helping?

at least your fam is helping we are doing it all on our own unless by some miricle they help

lonal Posted: Apr 26, 2008 12:33 AM

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I thought his mother would at least offer to do something.

FutureMrsCarrieri Posted: Apr 26, 2008 07:24 AM

Re: sad with fmil

forget about contributing money or time -- how about just returning a phone call?

I am in the same boat -- holy crap do I think it's rude.

Poor FH is in the middle and all I can think about is, what is going to happen when (if) we have kids????

stephanienyc2002 Posted: Apr 26, 2008 09:57 AM

Re: sad with fmil

I have probs with my future in-laws (BILs and MIL) and it is very sad but I like it better when they stay out of it than when they are involved. they always wind up making it about themselves or making a big stink to get attention or whatever they are looking for.

It may be a blessing in disguise. a MIL that's not around is a MIL that doesn't cause problems

Just be polite and don't mention it. take it as a lesson learned that ppl don't always meet your expectations.

My MIL told me that i don't make her son 'happy.'
yeah, lady. he's so unhappy he went out, got a ring, and proposed.

another tidbit, it took me 24 months to get a guest list from her.

I can't even get started on all the messed up things my in-laws have done to me, but my feeling about it is the less they are involved the less drama there will be.

thanks for posting, lots of brides go through this.

mjay Posted: Apr 26, 2008 10:04 AM

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This seems to be the case with most.. MY fiances family hasnt really contributed anything..

FtrMrsV Posted: Apr 26, 2008 10:17 AM

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My FMIL told my mom she wanted her number to help with the bridal shower. SO my mom told her to ask FH. Of course she never did. My FMIL made it clear she was not helping us with anything for the wedding. Im sorry you have to deal with this because I know its not cool what she is doing.

mf2009 Posted: Apr 26, 2008 10:44 AM

Re: sad with fmil

Posted by stephanienyc2002

I have probs with my future in-laws (BILs and MIL) and it is very sad but I like it better when they stay out of it than when they are involved. they always wind up making it about themselves or making a big stink to get attention or whatever they are looking for.

It may be a blessing in disguise. a MIL that's not around is a MIL that doesn't cause problems

Just be polite and don't mention it. take it as a lesson learned that ppl don't always meet your expectations.

My MIL told me that i don't make her son 'happy.'
yeah, lady. he's so unhappy he went out, got a ring, and proposed.

another tidbit, it took me 24 months to get a guest list from her.

I can't even get started on all the messed up things my in-laws have done to me, but my feeling about it is the less they are involved the less drama there will be.

thanks for posting, lots of brides go through this.

24 Months? O H##L to the NO. This is when I make the desicion for you that clearly you don't want anyone one your side to come and so now my count is down by half. Absolutely rude. I commend you for being able to wait it out for so long.

In reference to the the first lady. Keep your head up and continue on with your planning. When your inlaws start to wonder why they don't see you around for family functions maybe they will get a clue. My mothers inlaws didnt even show up to the wedding so needless to say she never went to their house until they came running with their tails between their legs almost 10 years later!!!
But of course she kept us kids out of it and still made sure we saw our grandparents. If things don't get better then I think you should just keep your distance but ensure when you and FH have kids that they are not put in the middle. Here's a hug!

squeekietoy Posted: Apr 26, 2008 10:56 AM

Re: sad with fmil

It's rude to not even call back. But, like another lady on here said, maybe consider it a blessing in disguise. A family in law that wants nothing to do with you before the wedding will hopefully not interfere with your life after the wedding.
I'm the exact opposite. My family in law is pretty much paying for my whole wedding while my real family could give a $hit. Now that, is a horrible feeling.

MrsInglima Posted: Apr 26, 2008 10:59 AM

Re: sad with fmil

That's similar to my situation, although I think she wants to help, she doesn't have the money. According to FH that's just how she is. So perhaps for both of us this is just setting the trend for how it's always going to be.

lonal Posted: Apr 26, 2008 12:22 PM

Re: sad with fmil

I am so glad that I posted this because I am obviously not alone. Having this web site is the best!

The girl who wrote take it as a lesson learned about expectations . . . .you are 100% right. That is what I need to do. It also took FOREVER to get addresses. Only half of his side got save the dates because I was sick of asking. I didn't get them until I told her I DESPERATELY needed them to adress the envelopes.

to you all who are going through similar situations

and to everyone who helped me out!

stephanienyc2002 Posted: Apr 26, 2008 08:39 PM

Re: sad with fmil

Thanks for the support ladies. Even some brides that don't have problems with their MILs before the engagement start having problems later on. I am reading a book right now called THE CONSCIOUS BRIDE. A lot of the book deals with family members and your relationship with them during the wedding planning process.

I found so much advice on how to deal with the families and how they might be feeling and why. I think i got it on amazon or half.com for like $5. it's def worth a read if you want some more advice on the subject.

I am totally not a belligerent person and there's really nothing that she or FH's other family that could make me 'fight' with them. it's not worth it. But I know how they feel and where i stand with them. I can't really write here everything they've done to be, but trust me this is the least of it. I'd make my own board for crappy in-laws and start giving out awards LOL!!

Even if she hadn't given me a list I would have said fine and handed her a bunch of blank invitations and asked her to hand them out by hand. nothing is worth fighting over, but you don't have to be phony. it's tough, i know.

the key is to be diplomatic. People look really dumb when they act like this and you keep it all together. that's the best way to deal

michesq Posted: Apr 26, 2008 08:50 PM

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sorry to hear this. i am glad u have a terrific family that is there for you

jaep129 Posted: Apr 26, 2008 09:42 PM

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Sorry to hear. You can look it at it like this....Your mom porb knows you better and will keep you and your family in mind not his.

SoonToBeMrsScott Posted: Apr 26, 2008 09:49 PM

Re: sad with fmil

my fmil didn't even know she was a party of the bridal party she felt she was just a guest and when it comes to anything with the wedding she doesn't want to get involved or interfere I am still trying to get her to the rehearsal dinner so frustrating

CMS Posted: Apr 26, 2008 10:31 PM

Re: sad with fmil

My future inlaws aren't involved in any part of the wedding process either. In fact, they have yet to acknowledge that we're engaged and getting married.

The way I deal with it, is that I just don't involve them with anything.

stephanienyc2002 Posted: Apr 26, 2008 11:28 PM

Re: sad with fmil

OMG, I can't believe some families. i have to agree with ppl out there when they say that the groom's family literally feels like you're stealing him away. i always laughed stuff like this off but it's so true.

some ppl feel that no one is good enough for their son/brother/sister/etc.... and they feel it's their place to break them to see if they really care or how much they love. how miserable it must be to be them. a lot of ppl rear their ugly heads during wedding planning and go on to be normal ppl but you all know the difference based on your own situations.

It's sad b/c the only person that really gets hurt in all this is the FH.

speaking for myself, i don't give much thought to if they want to be involved or not. but what does bother me and FH is blatant disrespect and nastiness. there's no room for that in my life.

so while they really might be trying to protect FH in a twisted way, they have really just hurt their relationship with mine and forget about one with me. Once trust is broken, it's broken.

To anyone who'se going through this just find one positive person to speak to that supports you no matter what and talk to them every day if you have to. luckily, my mom is great to talk to and she'll support me if i say black today and white tomorrow and black again after; That's all I need.

Bride2Be824 Posted: Apr 27, 2008 12:56 AM

Re: sad with fmil

I'm so sorry to hear that. I've noticed that FMIL are not that easy after all. You end up seeing their true colors and personally it $ucks. I, too, am going thru some dilemna with mine but at the beginning I was stressed out and as time went by I've learned to just ignore her with that only torments her....that's the greatest part....Karma is a b!tch huh?

lonal Posted: Apr 27, 2008 12:57 AM

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Ahhhh! She called me this morning but after hearing what my mom said I didn't want to talk to her. That's not good! I have to just forget it and appreciate my mom more!!!!