Brides Helping Brides ™ - Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)UPDATE!!!!!!

AndreaES Posted: Dec 02, 2005 12:25 AM

Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)UPDATE!!!!!!

As most of you know I ahd postponed my wedding several months ago, well things have taken a turn for the worse.Aidan's father and I have been together for 3 years. I got pregnant very soon after we started dating (to my surprise, I was told I couldn't get pregnant) Having Aidan has been the best thing I have ever done, and he's the best boy in the world. However his father and I have had many problems for a long time. We've tried therapy, ignoring it, and denial. He really wants things to work out, but honestly I don't see how they can. He is a very nice man, with a wonderful job, and my mother thinks I should just stay and feel lucky that he's willing to take care of me. But we are not in love. I've stayed this long for Aidans sake, but I don't know if staying is the right thing for him either. He would grow up in a house without knowing love. And I don't think that that is OK. I want him to share my ideals,like money isn't everything and follow your dreams. But how could I tell him that if I was living a lie, staying for the comfort and money. It's everything that I'm against, I'd be a hypocrite It would be so much easier to stay. I'm a stay at home mom and haven't worked since he was born. I'd have to go out and get any job just to scrape by, while his father will be living rent free in his parents huge house, making ton's of money. I'll be lucky to get a one bedroom apt to share with my son. I'm just so scared that any choice I make is wrong I don't want Aidan to hurt, but I can't see a way around it. I'm just so confused and worried. Should I just stay even though there's no love??/ That just doesn't seem right. Please help with any advice please tell me Leaving won't completely ruin my son's life, please tell me I'll be Ok,please just tell me anything.

SweetCin704 Posted: Dec 02, 2005 06:39 AM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

Andrea,

First off you are a strong, loving and caring woman and a wonderful parent.

Your situation can't be easy and of course Aidan is your first priority. If there's no love in the relationship and you don't see eye to eye on a number of things, in the long run it will only hurt Aidan. The resentment and hostility will grow and kids pick up on things so quickly (they are smarter than we give them credit for in situations). Staying together for the sake of the kids, in theory, sounds like a good idea, but if there is fighting and its not a home filled with love, what kind of an example is that setting for Aidan? Do you want him to believe it is okay to 'settle' and that if you don't love each other, its okay?

Children adapt quickly; don't worry about where you will live, you have such an abundance of love to provide for Aidan and there are so many people that love him. You will move on and get settled and in time will find that special someone that can make you feel like a princess and put you above all else (with your son).

I gotta run to work (I'm late), but feel free to fm me if you need to talk--I was involved with someone who was in this situation.

Cindy

N.Y.bride Posted: Dec 02, 2005 06:46 AM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

I FMd you a book.. I hope it helps you..

I agree with the above poster.. You need to do what best for your child. EVen though things seem very difficult right now, things will work out in the long run, and your son will be happy as long as he is with you and he sees you being happy..

I was in the same situation, I left and its the best thing I ever did. Good Luck and FM me if you would like

Goldi1021 Posted: Dec 02, 2005 07:55 AM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

I am sorry you are going through this. You have many difficult questions to answer. I cannot say that I can relate as I am not a parent but I do know children pretty well.

Cindy is right, children are resilient. Along those lines, they are also very perceptive and underestimated. Whether or not your child is old enough to internalize what is going on between you and his father leaves us to wonder BUT he will FEEL tension. I see, each day I go to work, the fragility of children who go home to familes that lack love amongst its family members. It is sad. Your child deserves to see genuine love and not people simply going through the motions. If you decide to end the relationship you have with Aidan's father now, then at least he will see genuine friendship between adults as you seem to think he is a decent man. He will also see sharing rather than resentment.

I wish you the best and I think you will make the best decision for yourself.

nov04LIbride Posted: Dec 02, 2005 09:19 AM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

Have you spoken to a lawyer? Since you aren't married, his legal monetary obligations are much less for you. He will only have to pay the child support, which is very little. You will get no spousal support, so whatever job you get will have to support at least you and a place for you both to live. If the father does not sue for joint custody or full custody, which he could. Have you tried looking for jobs, to see how much you might be able to make to support yourself? In theory I would say I would leave, but if you haven't worked in 3 years and before that worked as a bartender, if you won't be able to afford a place to live and food for yourself, that's no way to be either. Money isn't everything until you can't afford to eat.

First, I would start looking around for jobs and meet with a lawyer ASAP. Find out what he is legally forced to give you money-wise. If you feel comfortable, ask the father what he envisions his rights/visitations to be. He may be thinking half-custody while you are thinking weekends only. Will it be easier on Aidan? There is no ideal situation here. You're talking about a child splitting his time and holidays between two homes, two families, or else being in a home where the parents do not love each other. Good luck with whatever you choose. My parents didn't have a totally happy marriage, but my mom stayed until after we graduated college because my father wouldn't have had to legally pay for any of our schooling if she left. I give her a lot of credit because I know how hard it was for her.

June_Bride_2004 Posted: Dec 02, 2005 11:12 AM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this....however you sound to me like you are a very strong person who put a great deal of thought behind this. I say this....follow your heart and you can't go wrong. We only live once in this world and why should you live yours miserable everyday. for what? money isn't everything and don't ever let that get in the way of your TRUE feelings. you'll make it just fine without him. things always work out in the long run. as far as your son goes...he is way better off with his parents seperated than together if there is nothing there. believe me. i have a s-i-l whos living a lie for her kids sake and i tell her all the time. do it for you and do it for aidan. good luck with your decision and keep being strong!!

nicpizzo Posted: Dec 02, 2005 03:04 PM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

Posted by SweetCin704

Andrea,

First off you are a strong, loving and caring woman and a wonderful parent.

Your situation can't be easy and of course Aidan is your first priority. If there's no love in the relationship and you don't see eye to eye on a number of things, in the long run it will only hurt Aidan. The resentment and hostility will grow and kids pick up on things so quickly (they are smarter than we give them credit for in situations). Staying together for the sake of the kids, in theory, sounds like a good idea, but if there is fighting and its not a home filled with love, what kind of an example is that setting for Aidan? Do you want him to believe it is okay to 'settle' and that if you don't love each other, its okay?

Children adapt quickly; don't worry about where you will live, you have such an abundance of love to provide for Aidan and there are so many people that love him. You will move on and get settled and in time will find that special someone that can make you feel like a princess and put you above all else (with your son).

I gotta run to work (I'm late), but feel free to fm me if you need to talk--I was involved with someone who was in this situation.

Cindy

I agree with this post 100%. Children can sense when there's something wrong. Speaking from a household when my parents divorced when I was in college (for the sake of the kids), my brother and I sensed there was something wrong when we were young. I still remember being maybe 10 and asking my father why him and my mother remained married if they didn't love each other. I remember the fights and how they drifted to 'just friends.' I also remember when they would try and that made it quite difficult as a young adult to finally accept their divorce, b/c we had become accustomed to their lifestyle (believing that they did love each other in some way). No matter the age 2 or 20, it's always difficult. And even knowing that it wasn't my fault for their divorce, I still felt like it was my fault that they remained together.

With that being said, it seems like you are a strong individual and in the end, the decision has to be just as right for you as it is for your son's best interest. My brother and I didn't understand why they waited to get a divorce, but they felt they did their best, and overall, we had a great childhood. However, it is still difficult to adjust b/c of all the years with the 'family' memories, and our entire childhood involved our parents together. So it's weird reminiscing with either parent about when we were kids b/c we tend to feel awkard.

It's a hard choice and unfortunately the only one who can make the decision is you, b/c none of us are in your shoes. We can't fully appreciate your history with Aidan's dad, your lifestyle, your current relationship, etc. Just know, whatever decision you make it will be the best decision for you at that moment.

Best of luck and if you need to talk, like the others, I'm here.

diluvchu Posted: Dec 02, 2005 04:22 PM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

Andrea,

I wish there was something I would be able to say to you that would be able to help you make the right decision or make either of your decisions easier to make, but I can't. I hardly know you, but I do have slight knowledge when it comes to being a child of a divorced family. Without getting too personal, my parents divorced when I was 6 months old and my brother was a little over 2. We are the most well adjusted children of a divorced family that I know (and believe me, I know many). My mother didn't work and didn't have a pot to piss in. When they divorced, my mother had to make the hardest decision of her life and had to move back in with her parents. She was 25, with 2 kids and now living with her parents. Yes, she lost a lot of pride. She worked at night and at home. My dad didn't support us, even as we continued to grow up, he barely continued to give her child support. Alimony? What's that?!?! But my mother gave us more love and showed us what healthy relationships were. We didn't grow up in a household with fighting. We knew that they weren't just living with each other to 'just get by'. And honestly I have more respect for mothers and fathers who leave then for people who stay until the kids graduate from school (JMHO - and please don't hate me for it). My mother showed us strength and courage. She's my hero. Now, she is remarried to the best dad I can ask for. I love him more than anything. He treats my mom like a queen and that's what she deserves.

Anyway, all I can say to you, is do what your head says is right and what you believe in your heart. Be selfish. As much as you want to think about your son, sometimes if you're not happy, you will never be able to make your child happy. Sometimes the things you want most are the hardest things to achieve. Good luck and if you need to talk, please feel free to FM me or just respond to this, I'm usually around!

And I'm sure no matter what you do, it will all work out. Chin up, tomorrow's another day!!!

nov04LIbride Posted: Dec 02, 2005 04:48 PM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

Posted by diluvchu
And honestly I have more respect for mothers and fathers who leave then for people who stay until the kids graduate from school (JMHO - and please don't hate me for it). My mother showed us strength and courage. She's my hero.

I know that's your opinion, and thankfully your mother had your grandparents to run to, but mothers who do not have that luxury are in a far worse situation. If you felt poor with your mother paying minimal rent, imagine her having to work full time to pay rent while paying babysitters? I don't really think you can generalize about who you respect more since each situation is so different. I think having someplace to run to is a far different situation than someone with no money and nowhere to live.

By all means Andrea, if you have parents who have room for you and your son, where you can live virtually rent free and have built in babysitters, that would certainly make it infinitely easier to leave.

diluvchu Posted: Dec 02, 2005 05:05 PM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

Just to let you know, what my mother 'ran home to' was a 3 bedroom home, with her 5 sisters, my grandparents, and me and my brothers. One of her conditions when she moved back home was that she did pay rent. She also worked nights at home because she chose to stay home with us during the day. But that would be because her built-in babysitters worked full time during the days because they had their own lives.

nov04LIbride Posted: Dec 02, 2005 05:43 PM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

Posted by diluvchu

Just to let you know, what my mother 'ran home to' was a 3 bedroom home, with her 5 sisters, my grandparents, and me and my brothers. One of her conditions when she moved back home was that she did pay rent. She also worked nights at home because she chose to stay home with us during the day. But that would be because her built-in babysitters worked full time during the days because they had their own lives.

All I meant was that she was fortunate to have family to help her out as much as she did. I am sure the rent was cheaper than finding an apt for you all, and fortunate to have family to watch over you at night while she did work. Many mothers do not have that luxury, and any salary would be absorbed by babysitting costs. I didn't mean to imply you were living the life of luxury, which is why I said, 'If you felt poor with your mother having to pay minimal rent, imagine her having to work full time to pay rent while paying babysitters?' No one would say 4 people to a bedroom as it was for you growing it was easy, but certainly having that many people around defrayed the cost of babysitters.

All I am saying is there is no clear answer--it is all based on the situation. Clearly if you have close family you can live with, that would be much easier than having to live on your own and find babysitters while you work. In the meantime, I would say try working on making yourself more employable--take classes, finish a degree, etc. Everything helps.

It is great that you grew up under such hard conditions, without a bedroom (or even a bed? I can't imagine where 11 beds would go in a 3 bedroom house) but were able to have your dream wedding at Land's End. It must have been difficult growing up sleeping on whatever floor space you could find. I really admire you and your DH if you were able to pay for that all yourselves.

diluvchu Posted: Dec 03, 2005 12:41 AM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

There is never a right answer when it comes to divorce and that is the bottom line. Only the person who is going through the divorce knows what is right for them.

We can sit here and go back and forth with our opinions, but you don't know my life and I don't know yours. Just because I feel a certain way about divorce doesn't mean everyone has to feel that way nor does it mean it's the right way. I never said that. To me, I will always be proud of the way my mother handled her situation and yes, when I hear people at work bitching and moaning about their marriages and how they can't wait for their children to graduate from high school so they can leave, yes I do think that's sad. Children are very perceptive, more than adults thinks.

And yes of course it was cheaper moving in with her parents than having to find an apartment, 100%, without a doubt, I won't argue that. Though I don't feel like I need to explain myself, all I am going to say is this and honestly you will never walked in my shoes and visa versa, so why should we try now, especially, since I know nothing about YOU. When my mother went through her divorce, yes she moved back in with my grandparents to their 3 bedroom house. As for the amount of beds (8 total - 5 sisters including my mom, my grandparents, and my brother and I, not 11), my grandparents converted the den to their bedroom. In 1 of the bedrooms was me, brother and my mom. Then 2 sisters in each of the remaining bedrooms. No one slept on the floor. See it's not that difficult. As for my dream wedding at Land's End. Yeah, well in my above posts you will have noticed that my mother has since remarried and also I have gotten married yet. And I'm not paying for my wedding. My mom and stepfather are. Things work out in life, it just takes time.

melissa8781 Posted: Dec 03, 2005 12:43 AM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

Im so sorry for you to be going through this...it is definately a tough situation and decision to make . I think you have to make this decision based on how you feel. Take a deep breath and think about it HONESTLY could you see yourself staying with the father, even though you do not love him? Or you could leave and try to do things on your own?..I don't think either leaving or staying is a bad decision..What's bad is that you make the wrong one...staying will be good money-wise but if there is no love your lives will be...empty. If you do decide to leave, get a job NOW. even if it's part-time. this way you can save up money, get an apartment, and you wont have to struggle. I wish you the best whatever you decide

nov04LIbride Posted: Dec 03, 2005 10:34 AM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

Posted by diluvchu
As for the amount of beds (8 total - 5 sisters including my mom, my grandparents, and my brother and I, not 11), my grandparents converted the den to their bedroom.

OK, I understand now. In your first post it was different...'3 bedroom home, with her 5 sisters, my grandparents, and me and my brothers.' If your mom had 5 sisters, that would have made 6 sisters total, and if you had brothers plural, that would have been at least 2 brothers, for a total of 11 counting your grandparents.

Moot point, but that's great she met someone else.

FUTUREBRIDETOKEITH Posted: Dec 03, 2005 10:58 PM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

Most important person in the situation is your son. Do what's best for him! If you need us we are always here!

Here are some hugs!

06NovBride Posted: Dec 05, 2005 12:16 AM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

I can give you a look at the point of view of the child. My mom stayed with my father many years past when she should have ended the marriage because of me and my sisters. She did not work, my father made great money. It was awful. All of us knew they should not have been together. Not only did we live a rollercoaster of a life, because one day they would be fine, the next they would be screaming and fighting. I can't tell you how many nights we were woken up at 3 or 4am with them fighting, when we had to get up for school the next morning.

I would say you have to really think what is the best situation for you and your son. I know for a couple of years my mom was able to pretend things were ok, my parents got separated for the first time when I was 8 and didn't officially separate until I was 16. That's a lot of years to deal with what was going on. Kids ultimately will not care how much stuff they have, how small the place they live in is. If they have love, that is all they need.

I hope this helps and many to you. FM me if you need to talk.

kms71705 Posted: Dec 06, 2005 05:48 PM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

Hey Andrea,

My parents split up when I was three, I honestly don't remember them being together at all. I think I was better off because of it. I had friends in elementry school, middle school and high school who all had parents split up. I could never understand their pain or what about it made them so upset. The older they were when it happened the more hurt they wore and the longer it took for them to get over it. Aidan is so young now, as long as both you and his dad are in his life he will be fine. My parents were civil to each other for our sake and didn't bad mouth each other to us. We lived with my mom and saw my dad on the weekend. My sisters (three of us) and I shared one room and we never thought there was anything wrong with that. My point is, if you are going to leave do it now. It'll only be more painful for Aidan if you wait. You are young and beautiful, there is no reason for you to spend your live in a loveless marriage. Aidan will be fine.

Good Luck,
Kelly

Sweetpea130000 Posted: Dec 07, 2005 10:54 AM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

All I can say is best of luck in whatever you choose to do.

My parents divorced when I was less than a year old and my mom had a tough time. She did the best she could, and thankfully had my grandparents nearby to help her out.

My aunt also divorced when her son was young and was able to move on.

Keep in mind, use the system when you can. Don't let pride get in the way of accepting WIC if it is going to help you. I am not saying stay on for life, but use it to help you get back on your feet.

Good Luck!

AndreaES Posted: Dec 19, 2005 04:25 PM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)

First off I'd like to thank all of you for your advice and support, I truly appreciate it. I've decided to leave. I picked up a few shifts bartending and one waitress shift. I found a 1 bedroom apartment in my town. It's much smaller than the one I'm in now but it's big enough for Aidan and I. I am giving him the bedroom and I got a sleeper sofa for the livingroom.It's only $875 including utilities, and it's walking distance to everything!!! I moved most of my furniture in yesterday. The landlords are really nice and gave me the keys right away. My best friend gave me the money to put down 2 months rent and security, and I already have another $400 saved from the last 2 Weeks of working. My ex is not being very nice and enjoys getting drunk every night, coming home and telling me that I'm a slut and that he hates me right in front of our son!!! But I'll be out soon enough. Aidan is doing well with all the changes, and I think that he will adjust fine to the move. What I was really worried about was putting him in daycare, but since I'm only working 3 days a week my Mother is willing to watch him. Also one of my good friends is lending me a car he's not using for as long as I need it which is really great of him. I also went down to the family court house and filed a petition for child support. Things are really rough at home now, since we are officially over but still living in the same house, the word awkward barely seems enough. But I know I'm making the right decision for all of us. I can't live a lie. And staying for Aidan's sake would do more harm than good. Like I said we will all be better off this way. It is unfortunate that it worked out this way, and things will be tough for awhile, but better days are coming!!!! I hadn't decorated the Christmas tree or the house because of obvious reasons, but today I woke up and set everything up for Christmas, I don't want Aidan to miss out. And I'm glad I did, Aidan loves the tree and the nutcrackers I have set up. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude toward everything, and it's working. Everything happens for a reason. I no longer worry that Leaving will hurt my son, or if I'm making the right decision because I am sure that I am. We are not in love, we don't get along, and all the tension and negativity was starting to effect Aidan. Most of all I want to raise Aidan with a clear head and conscience, and to be able to look him in the face and tell him to chase his dreams and never settle and mean every word of it!!!! Thanks again ladies, pray for us and wish us luck. Thanks Andrea

Katherine121 Posted: Dec 19, 2005 04:31 PM

Re: Separation/ divorce please help me (child involved)UPDATE!!!!!!

As far as I'm concerned, you are Superwoman! Good for you for making a hard yet smart and apparently necessary decision. God bless you and your son as you beging your new and wonderful lives.