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Seriously distraught...please advise

thelastresort Posted:

Seriously distraught...please advise

eunicsd006 Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

I dont think ur out of line but i think fh is....first of he needs to cut the umbilical cord his mom is a gron *ss woman ur right she should get a second job of something he need to focuss on his new family.....i wouldnt recomend having her livin with u it might ruin u and fh relationship...im not saying its not ok to help but she should so something herself to change her situation......i would seriously talk this over with him.....its called a couple not a trio his mom shouldnt be the first he disccussed this with...good luck
Becks526 Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

Wow hun. That's a pretty big thing not to discuss with you. Has he bought the house yet? If not, then there's still time to sort this out. But if he has...then you have a tough decision to make. Regardless, the two of you need to sit down and have a long discussion about the responsiblity you have to his mom, and what each of you expect out of your relationship (by that, I mean making decisions together, respecting each other's wishes, etc.). You may want to consider bringing a third party in to mediate--this sounds like such an emotionally charged issue (for both of you) that having a neutral person to help you work through it would be beneficial. I don't know if you have to go through pre-cana or pre-marriage sessions with your clergy, but this is something that maybe your priest or officiant could help mediate.

You're not being irrational at all. Your FH knew you wouldn't go for this, and it sounds like he made the decision without your imput. I'm sure he's torn too, between helping his mom and being with you. My opinion is that once a guy decides to get married, the FW should be most important!

I don't know if this helps at all, but just know that we're here supporting you! I hope it all works out for the best and am sending you lots of hugs.
luvabul Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

sounds like hes still a momma's boy. while i do think wether you like your FMIL or not you should respect her and she should treat you the same way. Im not sure what your background story is with FMIL, but whatever the case is as newlyweds and the fact that your struggling with the wedding, money, buying a house- she should NOT be living with you
im surprised FH did not discuss this with you prior to working out this sweet deal with his mom. I really think he should have ran it by you and got your opinion- maybe this will be a temporary situation [ a few months] ? whatever the case is you need to openly communicate with FH and let him know its not really okay with you, and its not what you envisioned...dont be stubborn! but i hope you two can come to a comprimise about this
Sorry!!! im sure this is all too much to take, i'd be angry too if i were you

good luck FM me if you wana talk!
queenb07 Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

You're not being irrational and if it were my FH, he would have had to call the police to hold me back from choking him unconscious. That's totally inappropriate that he didn't discuss this with you first and it puts you in a really uncomfortable situation. When he goes back to his mother and tells her that you don't agree to the three of you living together, he can put the blame on you and that can put a strain on your relationship with both of them. However, you have to put your foot down and let him know that now that you're going to be a family, he can't make unilateral decisions without talking to you first. His mom should also step up and be considerate that you are newlyweds and need some time together initially before adopting family members. This really blows. Good luck and lots of and
thelastresort Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

PegaLega Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

Have you talked to him about this? YOU are not by any means wrong in wanting that. I think if he didnt talk to you about it before he spoke to her he was completely out of line in every way. While I can understand him wanting to help her out-there is a line that needs to be drawn at some point between you both and her. Obviously more b/t him and her.
I would definitely tell him your feelings, and that it isnt going to happen. Its not fair to you both who will be starting your married life together to carry the burden of 'taking care of' his mother. Im sorry but Id would freak out
PaddysGirl15 Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

You are totally right to feel upset- he has to understand that you guys are a unit- and decisions like that need to be made jointly.

Good luck
Pencils Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

No, you're not being irrational. Buying a house with his mother and moving in with her is a HUGE decision that should have been discussed with you first. I find it very disturbing that he'd agree to that without even talking to you first. I'm sure his mother asked, but his reply should have been, 'I have to talk to lollipop first.' You're going to be married, your first loyalty should be to each other. That's the whole point of marriage--you leave your own families and start a new one. Yes, you're still part of your own families, and become part of the other's, but your first loyalty is to your new family.

When you say 'dealbreaker' what do you mean by that? I hate to say this, but I'd be very worried about marrying someone who would do something like that. Besides that he should have consulted you first, and it should have been his first reaction, that he had to talk to you, this way he's making it out that if you stop it, you're the bad guy. He doesn't want to disppoint his mommy. And that's very childish. As I said, it's very disturbing.

Your FH had a LOT of explaining to do. Best of luck.
thelastresort Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

VadersBride2006 Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

I wouldn't get comfortable just yet. Sounds to me like he is playing you both, telling mommy what she wants to hear and telling you what you want to hear.

Living with family is always tough. We are living with FMIL and, up until about a month ago it's been great. But my FH finally realizes that we need a home of our own. It only took him 2 years!

Good luck. You have a long road in front of you.

iamvocal72 Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

Posted by lollipop

The worst part is that I THINK (I don't know for sure) he's discussed this with her but he never spoke to me about it. That's b/c he knew I would NEVER agree to it and it will be a deal breaker. Am I irrational? What would you do? I'm so upset right now.


It's a deal breaker. End of discussion.

The answer is NO! There is no discussion about it - no deals, nothing. This is NOT a possibility. You are NOT IRRATIONAL! You have every right to be upset. I understand that he wants to help out his mom BUT you are going to be his WIFE! You guys need to have a serious conversation about this ASAP! You also might want to consider what it would take to move off of Long Island. I live in CT and I LOVE IT! Much cheaper (well, as long as you are not on the gold coast) and it really is great to have more than 3 major roadways to get anywhere!

Anyway, I wish you the very best of luck with this and if need be - get a third party involved - a counselor, therapist, minister.... someone who is non-biased that can help you settle this. And remember - I know you don't want too do this but it is NEVER too late to postpone or cancel your wedding. We are all here for you. Stick to your guns. Don't back down. This is a deal breaker for you. Compromising on this will result in resentment and fighting. JMO.
rkl1130 Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

You are in no way being irrational!

You and FH really need to sit and talk about this. It is good to help, but it might put a great strain on your new marriage to have to deal with this so soon. There are other options I'm sure, which he needs to discuss with you rationally. It is not fair to you that he made such a huge decision without your input.
dplehat Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

I have 3 words for you Senior Citizen Housing. There has been a building boom on Long Island and a lot of the towns have mandated that part of the complexes built be for senior houses. Your fmil needs to look into one of those complexes. They have clubhouses where she can hang out and make friends her own age instead of sucking the life out of your marriage. Ok sucking the life out might sound a little harsh but if she is an unhappy person she may drag down everyone around her. They have lower rent then a standard appartment and they have activites for them. It is not a 'home' or assisted living. It is just an appartment complex that you need to be 55 or older to get into. Good luck.

AMGBride2008 Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

I don't think you're out of line at all! You are about to be your FH's first priority, not his mommy. He should've discussed this with you first. If I were you, I would NOT agree to buying a house that his mom could live in as well at all!! Be strong girl! What your FH is considering or doing is WRONG!
DNicholes Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

Wow......I am so sorry about this. I think you really need to sit down with FH and discuss this with him. He can't be making decisions like this without you being involved, especially when it comes to buying a home. I don't thinky ou are out of line at all, I would not be happy with that situation either.

Future Mrs. Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

First of all, I think you are handling this VERY WELL. I do NOT think that you are out of line, or selfish in any way. Not at all.
There are 2 separate issues going on here.

1- Living with FMIL
2- FH not sharing this with you until now.

For the first, you need to tell him what you think and how you feel.....the same way that you just told us. Very calmly and articulately (and make sure that he is sober when ou do it)
What you are saying is totally reasonable, normal, and acceptable.

For the latter, you need to ask why FH is only sharing this with you now. THese kinds of BIG decisions are going to take place throughout your lives. The decisions need to be made TOGETHER. Whatever one of you does, now effects both of you.

I don't know all of the details....but if FMIL is able bodied, not sick, etc., then why can't she take care of herself?
If she is ill in any way, or has a debilitation, that is another story. It is hard to judge w/o knowing everything but I can tell you that you are NOT WRONG OR EVIL IN ANY WAY FOR WHAT YOUR ARE FEELING.......totally valid.
thelastresort Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

ksl268 Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

You're not out of line! I agree with you 100%. I could not imagine living with FMIL/FFIL or even my own parents during our first year of marriage. I would seriously talk about this with your FH and consider all other options. Sometimes the best help is no help at all.

olivia30 Posted:

Re: Seriously distraught...please advise

Bottom line, if you have a problem with MIL living with you, then you need to tell your FH. Maybe she could live close by so you could help her out instead. I know her constantly being there would give you guys no privacy. Talk things out with FH asap!

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