I have been trying to do things that a mother and daughter only get to do once! So what do you do when your mother is not active in her daughters wedding? Everytime I turn around and want to do something she makes some excuse up!
Like for instance..this Saturday we were suppose to go for a wedding dress! We made plans and when I asked her what time she said she doesn't think she can because my dad wants her to help him around the house! WTH??? I was suppose to go with my sister(maid of honor) and my best friend. She hasn't helped out at all or even expierencing anything with her own daughter! I have done things with my finacee's mother and all while I was doing it she kept saying'I don't want your mom to be offended it's suppose to be a mother and daughter thing.' And my mom totally understood and told me to go anyways.
My finacee is starting to think that maybe she is not happy for us and maybe just maybe she thinks Ithat I should be marrying someone else! I think that is horrible for him to say! He NEVER said anything bad ever about my mother and loves her. But doesnt get why she is not doing things with her daughter for the wedding!
Luckliy my sister jumped in and is 110% on my side!!!
Any thoughts on this??
kimnsteve
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
i am in the same situation unfortunately...and it really bothers me and upsets me ...but i try to do everything i can with my friends or FH's mom...there's not much I can do
MrsS4
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
I can picture something like this happening to me--- all I can say is that you should tell your mother how you feel, and possibly even speak with your father as well. If that doesnt work then maybe it is a jealousy issue? are you the 1st to get married? I would just talk to her and see what she tells you after you tell her how you feel. Maybe she doesnt realize it or see how much it truly means to you.
good luck
sweetdoublenn
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
It's nice to hear that I am not the only one out there! It's horrible isn't it? It's a once in lifetime event!! One more reason why when I move she will hardly see me!
donegal419
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
are you and your mom close??? if you are, this just sounds weird to me... my mom was so excited in every aspect of my wedding planning and would get a little upset if DH and I did things without her...
Perhaps your mom is nervous about the wedding... i would talk to her and see what she thinks... maybe she's just sad that her 'little girl' is getting married. maybe there are financial issues and she feels like she can't help you the way she would like to...
I don't know obviously but i would talk to your mom. tell her how you feel and that you want her to be involved. talk about what ever might be upsetting her about the wedding (if anything)
GOOD LUCK!
JennNicole
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
sounds like your FH might be on to something. Maybe she secretly has some issues with your HTB - or having a hard time letting go?
I was engaged once before to someone else - My Mother actually made it difficult for me (because she didn't approve of my choice) I was soo mad at her during the planning process.
I ended up breaking things off with him. Not because of that. I asked her years later why she did that. She said she did it to test us. She said if we got through her being so difficult she knew we were meant to be and that we were really serious about the rest of our lives.
ah MOTHERS........! They mean well.
BoxOfRocks
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
Hmm. It could be the 'letting go' syndrome, it could be friction between the FH and your mom, it could be that your mother isn't into stereotypically feminine things like weddings (they are overwhelming and stressful, after all!).
If you think it will help, try sitting down with your mother to discuss your feelings. But if you're not close, airing your feelings may not magically change things.
Perhaps a way to get her opinions is to narrow down some choices, in say, flowers, and present to her a limited selection.
My finacee is starting to think that maybe she is not happy for us and maybe just maybe she thinks Ithat I should be marrying someone else! I think that is horrible for him to say! He NEVER said anything bad ever about my mother and loves her. But doesnt get why she is not doing things with her daughter for the wedding!
Is there any basis for this theory?
Like for instance..this Saturday we were suppose to go for a wedding dress! We made plans and when I asked her what time she said she doesn't think she can because my dad wants her to help him around the house! WTH??? I was suppose to go with my sister(maid of honor) and my best friend. She hasn't helped out at all or even expierencing anything with her own daughter! I have done things with my finacee's mother and all while I was doing it she kept saying'I don't want your mom to be offended it's suppose to be a mother and daughter thing.' And my mom totally understood and told me to go anyways.
Is this an isolated incident?
bella1028
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
i am really sorry...do ya think if you asked her it would help clarify why she is acting this way?
sweetdoublenn
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
Yes, my mom and I care close. I am not sure what the problem is. But I don't think she has any secret feelings about who I am marrying. Besides we have been together too long for her to start saying things like 'I don't Approve'
I need her to be more active, but she doesn't want to for some strange reason. Maybe she is just nervous or it is hiiting her all mtoo fast that I am moving on with my life with my Fiancee and she feels like she loosing a part of me. All I know is this is a very exciting time for me and I wish she could be as happy and escastic as my fiancee's side of the family!
HamptonsBride
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
I went thru the same thing with my mom..(and i am the ONLY girl with older brothers)...we have a great relationship and are close...but i swear i had to practically drag her to come dress shopping with me...i would cry to Dh about it because i felt like my mom didn't care...but i think my mom was just uncomfortable with dress shopping...cause she said 'I don't have any fashion sense...'...but she was always excited to see pics of me in dresses i had tried on with my BF...the good thing is that the one time she came with me...was when i found my dress! I am so happy that it happened that way...i am sure it's nothing against your FH...i am the baby so i think for me it was a few things going on in my mom's head...HTH!!!
Wifeynella
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
i'd explain to her that you are only going to be doing these things once and its really important that you do them with her.
good luck
PegaLega
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
i would just go and do what you intended to do anyway. As much as it hurts you that she is doing this you need to get things done. And if she doesnt want to be a part of that then that is her choice and you really cant help that.
maybe ask her what her deal is? Why she makes up an excuse for not wanting to or not being able to join you when you do these things.
She may not want you to feel like she is hounding you if you love something and she doesnt-I hope that makes sense.
Good Luck, its stinks to be in that situation, Ive been there but sometimes there is something else going on that you dont anticipate. Ask her
MrsS4
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
did you speak with your mother??
jtgarsik
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
you said u & ur mom are close...so my advice? just talk to her Every mom has AAALL kinds of emotions going on when their baby girl is getting married..which is not nessecarily a bad thing - it's totally normal! i'm sure that's all it is...but wouldn't u feel so much better about it if u just had a heart to heart with her? sit her down & tell her everything u just told us(without fighting of course ) and then hear her out. u'll feel so much better about the whole thing & so will DH whether her reasoning is good or bad. hugs & love! keep us updated!
MrsOlszewski
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
I know how you feel....all my parents keep telling me is that its a waste of money and nothing but a pain in the butt to plan a wedding.
If your sister is there fo you(mine is) then i would say offer to do wedding related things with her to take the pressure off of you so you can enjoy planning your wedding. Also if you have aunts, a grandmother, SIL turn to them too!! HTH!!
sds
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
From a moms side I think she might feel she is losing you and reacting like this as a defensive mechanism. If I were you and this is JMO, I would tell your dad that you are taking your mom out for a lunch and that he should encourage her to go. I would take her to lunch and tell her how you feel and that you want her to be involved with the wedding plans. I would also tell her that you will always be there and that just because you are getting married doesn't mean that you are out of her and your dads life. It really is hard on everyone even though it is for a great reason - Marriage. Good luck and let us know how things work out.
cammolax23
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
Posted by sds
From a moms side I think she might feel she is losing you and reacting like this as a defensive mechanism. If I were you and this is JMO, I would tell your dad that you are taking your mom out for a lunch and that he should encourage her to go. I would take her to lunch and tell her how you feel and that you want her to be involved with the wedding plans. I would also tell her that you will always be there and that just because you are getting married doesn't mean that you are out of her and your dads life. It really is hard on everyone even though it is for a great reason - Marriage. Good luck and let us know how things work out.
I completely agree- I thank god that my mom and I have a close relationship where I can just come out and tell her what I am thinking, but maybe if you ' gang up' (not in a bad way!) on your mom and just really sit and have a heart to heart with her over lunch you can get it all out in the open before something boils over the top and you and your mom end up getting really upset or hurt.
Maybe she is just being introverted because she is afraid to 'say goodbye' so she thinks that pulling away now is her way of dealing. Tell her that you want her in your life now more than ever! Best of Luck!
emomma17
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
I am kind of in the same boat. I call my mother a month in advance to tell her of appointments I made and when it comes around she has something else she forgot she has to do. I think in her head, or she has semi expressed that I seem to be doing all the planning on my own and taking care of it that I don't seem to need any help. What I really think is going on is that because we are paying for everything I am doing it my way and not doing it the whole Greek traditional way she sees it. It stinks because you want your mother to be just as involved or jump at the offer to go with you to do any planning. My mother just saw my dress for the first time at the end of December, wasn't too impressed thought it was too simple, hasn't seen my hall all she is focused on is if I am marrying in a greek church! So I feel your pain, maybe it is a defense mechanism or maybe it is just plain stubborness but it def. is upsetting!
skinny237
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
A close friend of mine was in a similar situation and I saw the pain it caused her. (Her mom called her 5 minutes before the ceremony and was like, 'Hey....what r u up to today?' Duh, getting married! Her mom didn't even show up. It was horrible!)
Anyway....at least u have your sister. Like the others said, I would try talking to her. Sometimes parents don't want to accept that their little girl is growing up. It may have nothing to do w/ liking (or not liking your FH).
Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!
carolinebr
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Re: Situation! What should I do?
I would not assume she isn't happy for you. You'll get yourself upset over something that may not be accurate. I would TALK to her.
This exact thing happened to me. I asked my mom to go dress shopping with me; she declined. I went dress shopping all by myself. I asked my dad to go to halls with us; he said no thanks & just wrote me a check. I was SO upset. I assumed they hated my FH. But then I talked to them & they explained that my sister had pretty much ruined the experience for them. She was a complete bridezilla. She yelled at my mom at the bridal store for picking out an 'Ugly' dress, so she didn't want to go with me for fear of a fight. At the catering hall, she threw a fit over what my dad would pay for so my dad decided I was getting $XXX and I cold spend it how I see fit. They were just trying to stay out of my way.
