SO ANNOYED at my Mom...

So, my BM dresses are a little on the expensive side - $230 including tax but before alterations (I know not in everyone's opinion, but for some people...). I checked with all my BMs first and it was fine with everyone, and I let everyone know that I could help anyone who needed $$.

Well, on Saturday, my Mom comes with me and two of my cousins for them to be measured, and when I wasn't looking, she paid for their deposits in full. Now, this is very nice and generous BUT I already had 4 of my other BMs measured and all 4 left deposits on their own. If anything, the two BMs I already went with could've used the help, b/c one just graduated college and hasn't found a job yet and the other is in law school. These two cousins are, financially, doing just fine.

So, I confronted her about it, and she said she would do it for all my BMs because, as I pointed out, it's not fair to just do it for some. Nice right? But now what about the girls who ALREADY left deposits? One of them already opted to pay for it in full! While I'm appreciative of her help, I feel like she just complicated everything SO MUCH.

I think me and my Mom need to start having huddles like they do in football before either of us does something wedding related...

ughhh mothers!! they love to get involved!

i told my mom that she can come up with wahtever ideas she wants but i get 100% veto power!

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I don't see anything wrong with what you're mom did. And there is no reason for this to complicate anything because there is no reason your other BMs need to know who paid for your cousin's deposit. I know my mom wouldn't pay for my friends deposit, but might pay for my cousin's instead.

I wouldn't worry about this at all... I wouldn't even consider it a problem if I were you.

i totally understand where you're coming from.
but do the other girls even need to know it was done?

i think you can avoid complications by either not letting them know, b/c in my opinion, it's not their business that your mom helped your cousins. They don't need to know someone got help at all...

or, you could not tell them, but offer to pay for their hair or makeup with the money your mom offered to lay out for them.

it's complicated sure, but it doesnt have to lead to drama or hurt feelings or anything.

i wouldn't stress over it.
i'm sure whatever happens, everything will work out just fine!

i like your idea about the huddle lol.

hmm.. well are they the only family members in your bridal party? cause if they are maybe if the other girls find out that can be the reasoning.. if not say the deposits were $50 maybe your mom can give the other girls $50 and be like here is some money towards your hair or your shoes, etc.

i totally understand why you're upset though.

Guys I have two other cousins in the BP who she didn't do this for, FYI

ETA: A little added background to the story is that we both agreed that we'd help anyone who needed it - I posted that in the initial post but maybe I didn't make clear that this is something my Mom and I agreed we should do b/c of the cost of the dress. Two of the girls who paid already were being nice and insisted on paying, but they REALLY could've used the help. I am SO appreciative of what she did and her generosity in general, but I'm upset that she didn't stick to the plan to help the people that needed it.

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Posted by Jess125483

Guys I have two other cousins in the BP who she didn't do this for, FYI

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Still, there is absolutely no reason for anyone to know who paid for who's deposit... maybe you can mention to your cousin's to keep the fact that your mom paid for their deposits to themselves. Also, I'm sure that if your other cousin's were there with you, your mom would've paid for them as well.

I wouldn't get too upset about it. It is what it is.

Well it seems like maybe since she was there for your 2 cousins and not the others, thats why she did it. Like the other girls said, if you really want everything to be even then put the money that your mom would have used on the girls' dresses to hair and makeup the day of. No need to stress over someone being over giving
JMO

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Posted by AMGBride2008

Maybe I'm in the minority, but I don't see anything wrong with what you're mom did. And there is no reason for this to complicate anything because there is no reason your other BMs need to know who paid for your cousin's deposit. I know my mom wouldn't pay for my friends deposit, but might pay for my cousin's instead.

I wouldn't worry about this at all... I wouldn't even consider it a problem if I were you.

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this is exactly how i felt while reading the post...i just think it was a very generous and kind thing to do....i feel no one needs an explanation as to why your mom did this...it was a nice gesture

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Posted by Jess125483

ETA: A little added background to the story is that we both agreed that we'd help anyone who needed it - I posted that in the initial post but maybe I didn't make clear that this is something my Mom and I agreed we should do b/c of the cost of the dress. Two of the girls who paid already were being nice and insisted on paying, but they REALLY could've used the help. I am SO appreciative of what she did and her generosity in general, but I'm upset that she didn't stick to the plan to help the people that needed it.

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Think about it this way... if the girls who really needed the help paying wanted the help, they would've taken you up on your very generous offer to kick in a few bucks to help them out. I know *I* wouldn't have the guts to ask for the help whether I needed it or not.

Have you been with each of your BMs when they put the deposit down on the dress? If so, how come you didn't kick in the financial help then?

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Posted by Jess125483

Guys I have two other cousins in the BP who she didn't do this for, FYI

ETA: A little added background to the story is that we both agreed that we'd help anyone who needed it - I posted that in the initial post but maybe I didn't make clear that this is something my Mom and I agreed we should do b/c of the cost of the dress. Two of the girls who paid already were being nice and insisted on paying, but they REALLY could've used the help. I am SO appreciative of what she did and her generosity in general, but I'm upset that she didn't stick to the plan to help the people that needed it.

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But if your friends insisted that they wanted to pay than there is nothing your mother can do about that. I for one would not allow my friends mother to pay for my dress. We are all adults and it would make me feel embaressed, thats why I picked a cheaper dress

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Posted by jteach711

Well it seems like maybe since she was there for your 2 cousins and not the others, thats why she did it. Like the other girls said, if you really want everything to be even then put the money that your mom would have used on the girls' dresses to hair and makeup the day of. No need to stress over someone being over giving
JMO

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This is likely what I will do - I will probably pay the other 1/2 of the deposit for the girls who didn't pay in full, and I will maybe get hair/makeup for the girl who did pay in full already.

This is a tough one...if I were in your situation i'd do the following...

Since mom has already offered to pay for the other dresses in the same amount as what she has already done(which is AMAZING BTW!!!!)....take her up on it.

As you see each of the other girls - ask your mom to take them aside & offer them the money, either check or whatever...but have HER do it. She can call them to discuss if she wants to - but this will be much more civilized if she takes care of it...

Another idea - most BP's split the cost of a shower - maybe your mom can cover the cost of the shower for the girls' whose dresses she DIDN'T put in for - and let them know WHY she's doing it??

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Posted by AMGBride2008

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Posted by Jess125483

ETA: A little added background to the story is that we both agreed that we'd help anyone who needed it - I posted that in the initial post but maybe I didn't make clear that this is something my Mom and I agreed we should do b/c of the cost of the dress. Two of the girls who paid already were being nice and insisted on paying, but they REALLY could've used the help. I am SO appreciative of what she did and her generosity in general, but I'm upset that she didn't stick to the plan to help the people that needed it.

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Think about it this way... if the girls who really needed the help paying wanted the help, they would've taken you up on your very generous offer to kick in a few bucks to help them out. I know *I* wouldn't have the guts to ask for the help whether I needed it or not.

Have you been with each of your BMs when they put the deposit down on the dress? If so, how come you didn't kick in the financial help then?

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Essentially the ones who didn't accept the help didn't do so because, as you said, they probably didn't want to be embarrassed/didn't have the guts. If they thought this was happening for everyone, which is what my Mom now says was her plan the whol time, they would've accepted it. That's why I wish I knew beforehand, then my friend who hasn't been able to find work for 6 months would've been fine with it. I think it's easier to accept it when the bride's mother is saying 'I'm paying for everyone's deposit,' as she did with my cousins, then when I'm standing there with you saying 'let me get this for you, it would be my pleasure.'

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Posted by davenjess

This is a tough one...if I were in your situation i'd do the following...

Since mom has already offered to pay for the other dresses in the same amount as what she has already done(which is AMAZING BTW!!!!)....take her up on it.

As you see each of the other girls - ask your mom to take them aside & offer them the money, either check or whatever...but have HER do it. She can call them to discuss if she wants to - but this will be much more civilized if she takes care of it...

Another idea - most BP's split the cost of a shower - maybe your mom can cover the cost of the shower for the girls' whose dresses she DIDN'T put in for - and let them know WHY she's doing it??

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My Mom def is amazing, I'm just wishing she could inform me of her amazingness beforehand.

I think that I'll have her tag along when the dresses finally do come in and kind of do the same thing she did for my cousins - just accost them at the registed and say 'no, I'm getting the final payment for everyone.'

That was very nice of your mom...but it wont upset anyone if they dont know about it right? were the other girls with you when she did it? If not than i am sure it wont become a problem.
Ypu are right tho....maybe you and your mom should talk about this stuff before anything goes down lol

I think the main issue Jess is having here is that there are other family members in the BP - they are very likely to find out that this happened....

Definitely need a pow-wow before it happens & LOVE the idea of her coming with to pick up the dresses!!! For the girl who paid in full - maybe let her pay for her makeup or hair on day of, etc...