SO FUNNY READ!
>>> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>>> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
>>> now
>>> published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
>>> while
>>> these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>>
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>>> ____________________________________________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the mo ment of the impact?
>>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>> ______________________________________
>>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>>> WITNESS: Yes.
>>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>> WITNESS: I forget.
>>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>>> forgot?
>>> ____________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>>> morning?
>>> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>>> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>>> voodoo?
>>> WITNESS: We both do.
>>> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>>> WITNESS: We do.
>>> ATTORNEY: You do?
>>> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>>> sleep,
>>> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>>> ____________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>>> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>>> ________________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>> WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>> WITNESS: Yes.
>>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>>> WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>>> WITNESS: Yes.
>>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>>> WITNESS: None.
>>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>>> WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
>>> attorney.
>>> Can I get a new attorney?
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>> WITNESS: By death.
>>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>> WITNESS: Guess.
>>> _____________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>>> deposition
>>> notice which I sent to your attorney?
>>> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
>>> dead people?
>>> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>>> Would you like to rephrase that?
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
>>> What school did you go to?
>>> WITNESS: Oral.
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>>> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>>> an autopsy on him!
>>> ____________________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> And the best for last:
>>>
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
>>> for a pulse?
>>> WITNESS: No.
>>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>> WITNESS: No.
>>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>>> WITNESS: No.
>>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>>> you began the autopsy?
>>> WITNESS: No.
>>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
>>> nevertheless?
>>> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>>> practicing law.
>>>
>>> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
>>> now
>>> published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
>>> while
>>> these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>>
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>>> ____________________________________________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the mo ment of the impact?
>>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>> ______________________________________
>>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>>> WITNESS: Yes.
>>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>>> WITNESS: I forget.
>>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>>> forgot?
>>> ____________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>>> morning?
>>> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>>> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>>> voodoo?
>>> WITNESS: We both do.
>>> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>>> WITNESS: We do.
>>> ATTORNEY: You do?
>>> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>>> sleep,
>>> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>>> ____________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>>> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
>>> ________________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>>> WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>>> WITNESS: Yes.
>>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>>> WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>>> WITNESS: Yes.
>>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>>> WITNESS: None.
>>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>>> WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
>>> attorney.
>>> Can I get a new attorney?
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>>> WITNESS: By death.
>>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>>> WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>>> WITNESS: Guess.
>>> _____________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>>> deposition
>>> notice which I sent to your attorney?
>>> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
>>> dead people?
>>> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>>> Would you like to rephrase that?
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
>>> What school did you go to?
>>> WITNESS: Oral.
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>>> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
>>> an autopsy on him!
>>> ____________________________________________
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>>> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
>>> ______________________________________
>>>
>>> And the best for last:
>>>
>>>
>>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
>>> for a pulse?
>>> WITNESS: No.
>>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>>> WITNESS: No.
>>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>>> WITNESS: No.
>>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
>>> you began the autopsy?
>>> WITNESS: No.
>>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>>> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
>>> nevertheless?
>>> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
>>> practicing law.
>>>
