Some wedding advice from a married old lady!!!!

Ladies, Just need to pour my heart out for some reason. Sorry this will be long.

Looking back on this past year, I am still amazed that I survived Wedding Planning without having a nervous breakdown. I think we all underestimate the rollercoaster of emotions those last few months can bring. Whoever said planning a wedding was fun must have been insane Actually, the planning WAS fun but the drama it brings was NOT. During one of those moments when I literally thought I was going to rip my hair out (or someone else's!!!!), a friend of mine said.....'once it's over, you'll miss it!'.....and now it's over and I don't miss it. I do not miss everyone's 2 cents, I do not miss everyone telling me how it should be done, I do not miss rushing around every night to the point that I was exhausted, I do not miss fighting with DH over guest lists, I do not miss blowing every penny in my bank account or obsessing over hair, makeup, dresses, flowers, limo's, cake, menu's, cardbox, invites, favors, etc. etc. I can honestly say, I would never do it again!!! I'm trying to be as honest as possible b/c I wish someone had explained this all to me when I was planning. Looking back on all the craziness.....I fast forward to my Wedding Day which still brings tears to my eyes.....it was worth every second of craziness.

There were so many times that I literally threw myself on my bed and sobbed my heart out. One thing I have learned from being on this site is that it's not just me, we all have our struggles....some worse than others.....at times you may just want to call the whole thing off. I just want to say, cry it out and then push thru it. I look back on it all and I feel it was worth it b/c it paid off in the end. There are a few things I want to say in this extremely long post:

1) Don't get obsessed with the minor details. My BM explained to me that guests will only notice a a quarter of the things you do and expecting any more of them is asking too much. Specifically, things like menu's: I remember I spent 2 weeks designing my menu's. Then....we shopped for special paper, ordered starfish, glued them on, cut each one....I was SO PROUD of myself in the end. I just have to say that not one person commented on them so I asked a few people and nobody even remembered. Seriously, don't obsess over it.

2) Don't go crazy spending alot of money on a hall and then extra for special food and drinks and favors, etc. etc. It gets really expensive and once it's over, you'll wish you had gone cheaper. I think less then 50% of our guests covered their plates. Yea, I know that's not what it's all about but they would have enjoyed themselves even if I didn't have that extra AHI TUNA!!!!! and I WOULD HAVE ENJOYED having a few extra dollars for a downpayment on a house.

3) Don't expect too much of people. Don't expect everyone to be excited for you at all times. BM's and your mom and sister and BF all have a life. They've got their own things going on so don't get upset when they don't ooh and aahh every time your wedding comes up. I was so disappointed in my family and friends over some things to the point that I cried over it. Most people will not go 'out of their way' to make you feel special. ((Notice I said MOST)),

4) Don't spend crazy money on invitations. They go in the garbage......seriously. Definitely not worth it.

5) Don't ask people to be in your bridal party b/c you think you 'HAVE' to. They will disappoint you and you'll regret it. Ask fun people who are genuinely happy for you.

6) Don't fight with FH over stupid issues. If he wants a hummer limo or doesn't want to wear a flower on his tux, let it go. Nobody will care and it will make him happy.

7) Stop caring what other people think. Seriously.....stop right now!!!! It's not worth it. If you want hot pink shoes or a pink sash on your dress or to do your own hair then DO IT!!!!!!! If you don't want kids at your wedding, dont have kids at your wedding! If you want to dance to Motley Crue then dance to it............SKREW everyone else, it's your day and if you are smiling, everyone else will be.

8) Learn how to smile and ignore. I had so many arguments with my mom or family over what they thought was 'the right thing to do' with my wedding. I wish I learned earlier how to smile and say 'yea good idea!' and then do it MY WAY! I would have saved myself a ton of stress.

9) Don't get distressed over what your MIL or anyone else is wearing. They will be in limited pics and if they wanna look like a fool, it only makes you look better. Seriously, leave it alone.

10) I cannot stress this enough......you do not have as much time as you think. Once you hit the 100 day mark, it comes in the blink of an eye. Do everything you can NOW. It's not too early to do your favors, or veil, shoes, DOJ, wedding day undies, day of bag, etc.etc. Do it now ,as much as u can. Set a deadline for 30 days before because the month of your wedding is INSANITY! Between your rehearsal dinner and responses and seating arrangements, picking up your dress, packing for honeymoon.....get it all done before hand. Even wrapping your BM's and GM's gifts, what are you waiting for?? Finish it up! I wish I did. I ran myself ragged and fell seriously ill the week of my wedding!!!!!!!! I was in the doctor's office the day before and they had to put me on STEROIDS just to get me well enough for my wedding day. I got lucky they worked. Im saying it again, get your stuff done ASAP. Do NOT Procrastinate.

11) For those that have lost a parent. My father passed away in 1997 and I miss him dearly. I bawled my eyes out the day before and promised myself I wouldn't let it ruin my Wedding Day. Designate a 'Go To' person that you know will make you smile if you feel like you're going to start crying. I know you love and miss your departed, but this is your wedding day and you deserve to be happy. I am a really strong person and as I was about to walk down the aisle...I started to lose it. Luckily, my brother noticed and threatened to trip me. Don't let it consume you. I don't mean to sound cold, but you have your groom waiting for you and he wants to see your smiling face. Nobody will understand how hard it is to keep your composure unless you lost a parent. Not having them there that day is a huge void.....but that's not the day to obsess over it. That day is for you and FH.

Well....I have tons more to say but I feel like i'm being annoying. I hope some of you can learn from my experiences. Sorry so long and if anyone wants to talk about any of this, please FM me. XOXO

WOW!! That is some good advice!! Thanks!! And everything you said made perfect sense!! I do try to think of some of the things you mentioned too but sometimes it is easy to just get caught up in it all. Hopefully in the next month things will go smoothly, I am trying to be organized and not to get too crazy!! Thanks again for the words of wisdom!! And congrats again!! Glad your day was perfect!!

This makes me feel a lot less crazy. Thank you for speaking so candidly and for reminding me what is really important.

It is so refreshing to see someone who gets what I feel.

OMG!!!!! Thank you so much....I really needed to hear everything you just said now.....especially the items about getting things done, the stuff with your dad and just doing what you want and not what everyone else expects.....

That was great and so helpful!!!

thank you!!!

Ahh, so beautifully said!! Words of wisdom. I agree with everything you have said. That's why my FH wanted to get married away....ha.

I think I've enjoyed most of the planning and have handled it well...so far. Maybe the past month or so I've been starting to feel more stressed. I know it's going to get worse and that makes me more anxious. As far as all the little touches, I'm not even fooling myself...I just don't have that kind of time or patience so I'm not even thinking of it. What is important to me, aside from obviously marrying my baby, is the hall, the photographer, the music and the flowers. And, I have no worries with my hall; I love my photographer and have no worries with her. I don't think I'm going particularly crazy over flowers. Aside from that, I'm not going crazy with little things. They're really nice and give all of these girls who do all these DIY things so much credit because they do such an incredible job with them! I did end up spending more money than I planned to on my invitations, but I'm reallly happy with them.

I do regret though not doing a lot of things early. I didn't want to go crazy and felt like I had so much time, but I should have gotten a jump on certain things. Right now I'm stressed about my invitations because I feel like I should have gotten them out already. But, you know what, I'm not giving myself an ulcer over it...another day or so isn't going to make a big difference. I don't have a lot of out of town guests and anyone invited already knows the date. So the way I look at it, if there's less time to respond, maybe they won't sit on it!

Ah, my father...that's what I'm nervous about....how it's going to hit me as it gets closer. And even worse, like you said, you felt like you were going to lose it as you were ready to go down the aisle. I don't want to be sobbing. So, I agree with you on this too. I have to try and not think about it too much that it's going to upset me...at least not at that time. I'm sure during the last week it's going to be hard. But, I agree to, that it WILL BE worth it in the end. I waited a LONG time for this and after all of my planning and stressing, I want to enjoy every minute of it.

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Posted by SparkyandAng

Thank you for taking the time to write all of that. I consider myself pretty lucky b/c somewhere in the middle of this wedding planning process I adopted almost all of your advice and have been considerably less stressed ever since. People are shocked that I don't care what color (black, silver or gold) shoes my BM wear. I just don't care. It's not important to me. It won't ruin a picture, it's who they are and I love them for who they are. I'm so happy it 'clicked' for me and I realized it all before it was too late. I'm guessing the fact that I'm 41 might have something to do with it.

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I know, my girls kept asking me how I want them to wear their hair. I was like, 'I don't care...however you want.' They were like 'What, what do you mean?' I said I don't care how you wear your hair...however you are comfortable. And, they still keep asking me. My answer hasn't changed...I started to feel like, should I care?. THEY actually want to wear it kind of the same way. Okay, talk amongst yourself girls. Whatever makes you happy...ha.

well said.. I wish i read that before i got married. i was an emotional mess the week before the wedding. strangely enough i slept well the night before & was so calm on my wedding day. i can honsetly say i was not one bit nervous. just so happy to begin a new life with my best friend.

i was disappointed with a few no shows. but i count blessings that everybody that i truely wanted there came. more importanly i was blessed that my father was there to see me get married. he is sick & I was skeptical about him staying for the reception. he shocked me that he was able to stay the entire evening & shared our special dance.

thanks for sharing !!

this is by far the best thing i've read on this site bar none... I wish I had read it early on in my planning stages... I had made such a mess with my bridal party-- shoulda woulda coulda nonsense and now i'm stuck with people (family) that I thought would come around and feel honored and instead all they have done is dissapoint

Thanks so much for sharing, i've been pretty much on key and agree with everything else... i'm passed 100 days with 800 things to do still! Its hard to jugle work, and this wedding planning mess... everyone is telling me I'll miss it.. I have tons of things i can do with my time instead of this wedding planning!

WELL SAID!!!

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Posted by Adriana618

this is by far the best thing i've read on this site bar none... I wish I had read it early on in my planning stages... I had made such a mess with my bridal party-- shoulda woulda coulda nonsense and now i'm stuck with people (family) that I thought would come around and feel honored and instead all they have done is dissapoint

Thanks so much for sharing, i've been pretty much on key and agree with everything else... i'm passed 100 days with 800 things to do still! Its hard to jugle work, and this wedding planning mess... everyone is telling me I'll miss it.. I have tons of things i can do with my time instead of this wedding planning!

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Just take it in stride ladies. Family will disappoint you the most because we expect the most of them. It just hurts more. Learn to say, OH WELL.....and smile about your other blessings! I replaced one BM 3 weeks before my wedding, trust me, I KNOW! Ask me now?? Best decision I ever made!

Thank you so much for your advice....you are quite obviously a very thoughtful person !!!

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Posted by anamaree77

I hope what I wrote makes some sense. It is so hard to put all of the emotion into words but my only regret is being so worn down and sad before the wedding. I wish I had learned to blow things off. One of you girls mentioned about bridesmaid shoes and my only requirement was that they wear silver sandals, any kind they want. I did not remember even one time looking at their feet and I let them wear flip flops once we got to the RH. It was really GREAT to have them out their dancing with me instead of sitting complaining about their aching shoes! Just enjoy it girls, the fun part is partying with DH and knowing you have the rest of your lives together to look forward to!!

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WOW so much of what you said i completely relate to and agree with you. The whole thing about getting everything done is SOOOOOOOO true. I thought with having the last 2 weeks free and not working i would get everything done with no problems boy was i wrong. One regret i have is not having a nice relaxing day the day before my wedding. I didnt get to relax and get a mani and pedi early and just enjoy the day...instead i got stuck in the city for 6 hours, i only had to pick up my dress, veil and shoes so thought it wouldnt be a big problem but boy was i wrong. Only to get home 4 hours later than i expected and still had to write placecards, and then run to RH to drop it off, i finally got home at 11:00pm and had to do mani and pedi then. The whole week before my wedding i wasnt feeling well either, i was running around like a madwoman and seriously didnt have time to eat. I would wake up feeling exhausted lol. I became sick from the running around and stress to get everything done. Its crazy but no matter how much you plan things can happen that will just delay you so thats why its good to get things done early. I had to pick up my favor boxes the week of my wedding, went very early in the morning, got home by 11am, only to get and find out they were the wrong boxes, now i had to drive back all the way to commack and i live in queens to exchange the boxes. Another time i had to go to the city to pick up something, shouldnt have been bad but that day they decided to shut down the underpass and all streets, uhmmmm i was stuck for 2 hours in the worst traffic, and didnt even move...it took me one hour to go 2 blocks. The week of my wedding i was out from 9am-10am until 11pm every single day. I hate even thinking of that week.

Also so true about letting little things go. I mean if your fh asks for one little thing let him have it, why not let him be happy, its his wedding too and if he has any requests dont fight him on it. Same with guests, bm's, mil's, mothers or whomever...dont worry so much about what they will wear. I had ppl wear white at my wedding and i didnt really notice most of them until i looked at pics, one girl wore a long white dress lol, i only noticed when i was looking at pics someone sent me. It wont ruin your day, it wont change anything that day, if they want to do something that makes everybody go 'oh no what was he/she thinking' then let them, its no reflection on you.