Sooo aggravated and upset... UPDATE on cousins' kids situation

See update in this post below...

So... a gazillion people have a million reasons why they can't come to our wedding...

it's very upsetting because all my life, I've gone to other people's celebrations. Work people suuck. My bosses haven't even RSVP'd yet one week past the deadline.

And this thing with my cousins and their kids is SO upsetting and either causes a fight with my parents or my fiance. It's up to ME who I choose to fight with. All because they chose to change their # invited from 2 to 3 to invite their child. Which means that my other cousin will bring THEIR two kids. Which means that every OTHER guest will be upset that they couldn't bring THEIR kids. BUT if they can't bring their kids, they won't come. BUT we're under our minimum, and my mom is saying to let them come, and is NOW pulling the 'we're paying for the wedding' card and I want them there. ESPECIALLY since the last time this happened with my brother's wedding over the SAME ISSUE, my mom didn't speak to her sister or nieces for SIX YEARS. This is causing me such heartache and stress. The other thing is, all my life I've always imagined my cousins being at my wedding! I'll be so upset if they're not there... it just suucks that they'll only show if they can bring their kids. I have no idea what to do. I'm just upset that they're putting me in a position to get in a fight with either my parents OR my fiance over this.

UPDATE... I LOVE MY FIANCE. He made this SO easy on me! I told him what I've been going through all day (he works nights, so he was sleeping), and how the last thing I decided was that I was calling my cousin to tell her no kids, and I really thought I was on the same page as my parents, but my mom is so stressed over this that she hung up on me, knowing this will cause her to not talk to her sister or nieces for probably another 6 years. So, I didn't do ANYTHING while the situation with my mom was one where we weren't talking. Thank God. I told my FH the saga, and he just said... after a pause... 'How many kids are there?'. I said three. He said we can let them stay, if it means less aggravation for all of us - especially that this now means we'll meet our minimum since my aunt and cousins will be there now. And my mom's relationship with them will be salvaged! As for everyone else who asks, they're the ones who didn't respect our request. That's it. And on that day, I won't resent them being there because my FH and I didn't fight over it... that's all that really matters to me... US.

Thank you to all the girls for all your support, hugs and advice. You're all the best!

---

Posted by sarahradio5

So... a gazillion people have a million reasons why they can't come to our wedding...

it's very upsetting because all my life, I've gone to other people's celebrations. Work people suuck. My bosses haven't even RSVP'd yet one week past the deadline.

And this thing with my cousins and their kids is SO upsetting and is either causes a fight with my parents or my fiance. It's up to ME who I choose to fight with. All because they chose to change their # invited from 2 to 3 to invite their child. Which means that my other cousin will bring THEIR two kids. Which means that every OTHER guest will be upset that they couldn't bring THEIR kids. BUT if they can't bring their kids, they won't come. BUT we're under our minimum, and my mom is saying to let them come, and is NOW pulling the 'we're paying for the wedding' card and I want them there. ESPECIALLY since the last time this happened with my brother's wedding over the SAME ISSUE, my mom didn't speak to her sister or nieces for SIX YEARS. This is causing me such heartache and stress. The other thing is, all my life I've always imagine my cousins being at my wedding! I'll be so upset if they're not there... it just suucks that they'll only show if they can bring their kids. I have no idea what to do. I'm just upset that they're putting me in a position to get in a fight with either my parents OR my fiance over this.

---

you're under your minimum...at this point, what will kids reallyhurt? note: kids are often awesome and adorable at weddings...and you'll be so busy with pictures and greeting guests, you won't notice them!

---

Posted by CLMon7906

---

Posted by sarahradio5

So... a gazillion people have a million reasons why they can't come to our wedding...

it's very upsetting because all my life, I've gone to other people's celebrations. Work people suuck. My bosses haven't even RSVP'd yet one week past the deadline.

And this thing with my cousins and their kids is SO upsetting and is either causes a fight with my parents or my fiance. It's up to ME who I choose to fight with. All because they chose to change their # invited from 2 to 3 to invite their child. Which means that my other cousin will bring THEIR two kids. Which means that every OTHER guest will be upset that they couldn't bring THEIR kids. BUT if they can't bring their kids, they won't come. BUT we're under our minimum, and my mom is saying to let them come, and is NOW pulling the 'we're paying for the wedding' card and I want them there. ESPECIALLY since the last time this happened with my brother's wedding over the SAME ISSUE, my mom didn't speak to her sister or nieces for SIX YEARS. This is causing me such heartache and stress. The other thing is, all my life I've always imagine my cousins being at my wedding! I'll be so upset if they're not there... it just suucks that they'll only show if they can bring their kids. I have no idea what to do. I'm just upset that they're putting me in a position to get in a fight with either my parents OR my fiance over this.

---

you're under your minimum...at this point, what will kids reallyhurt? note: kids are often awesome and adorable at weddings...and you'll be so busy with pictures and greeting guests, you won't notice them!

---

yeah, but I already brought this up to my FH, and he said that we already decided 'no kids'. He's against letting anyone change our decision - especially the way THEY did it. By my bringing this up to him, it's gonna be a fight. And I really don't blame him. I hate that I'm gonna have a fight with my FH over something I don't wholeheartedly believe in.

Sorry you are going through this stress -if its not kids getting snuck onto the rsvp cards, its uninvited dates!

I can so understand your situation -if they hadn't been so sneaky about including there child, it may have been less of an issue... but no changing that. Do you know why they have to have their kid there? Is is a babysitting issue? Maybe you can suggest a babbysitter, or even hire one for the day at a nearby hotel? We considered that option, but gave in the end, and are having the kids at the party -they cost less at my hall too -did you check that? maybe it would ease your fiances feelings about it...

I totally hear where you're coming from. You don't want to let the cousins 'strong-arm' you into bringing their kids when everyone else respected your decision and did not try to self-invite their kids.

Is it at all possible to speak to your cousins about this directly?

How below your minimum are you?

---

Posted by bethb

Sorry you are going through this stress -if its not kids getting snuck onto the rsvp cards, its uninvited dates!

I can so understand your situation -if they hadn't been so sneaky about including there child, it may have been less of an issue... but no changing that. Do you know why they have to have their kid there? Is is a babysitting issue? Maybe you can suggest a babbysitter, or even hire one for the day at a nearby hotel? We considered that option, but gave in the end, and are having the kids at the party -they cost less at my hall too -did you check that? maybe it would ease your fiances feelings about it...

---

it's a chess game. A spite thing. A 'who's gonna win' thing. Only, that's not why we didn't have kids. If we STILL weren't speaking to them after 6 years and they weren't invited at all, we STILL wouldn't have had kids at the wedding. My OWN fiance's NEPHEWS aren't invited (except one who is IN the wedding party). They get INSULTED when they see no kids because they take their kids everywhere, so they INSIST on bringing them. It's not a babysitter issue. It's a stubborn issue. And they feel that since I went to THEIR weddings when I was little that they should be allowed to bring THEIR kids to MY wedding.

---

Posted by Soon2BeMrs2006

Can you and your FH talk to your parents about this together?

---

my FH was in the room, although not involved in the conversation, last night while I was arguing with my mom. When I said it's not fair to Joe's family if only my second cousins were there and not any of his cousins, my mom was threatening to bring in the fact that SHE was paying for the wedding. She was saying, 'do you want me to spell it out for you? I will... I'll spell it out for you.' Ughhh... I HATE when she gets like that. She's RIGHT, but still. I'M in the middle here. So my friggin' cousin with her f#$kin' purple hearts and the crossed out '2' and handwritten '3' is causing me all this heartache.

I get so aggravated just reading this!!!! I've followed your saga re: your cousins and I say Ef them! Say no kids and tell them off!!! Is that really the kind of people you want in your life anyway? Ones who completely disregard you and your feelings? It's so unfair to put you in this position!!! I feel so horrible for you! I know what you mean about them bringing kids, then the other people who didn't will think 'how come they were able to bring theirs?' It's so unfair, it makes me want to scream!!! Send me their address so I can mail them an anonymous letter about what manipulative a-holes they are!!!! I'm so sorry you're going through this...

---

Posted by LuvMyAlfonse

Send me their address so I can mail them an anonymous letter about what manipulative a-holes they are!!!!

---

!!!!!!!!!!!

---

Posted by LuvMyAlfonse

I get so aggravated just reading this!!!! I've followed your saga re: your cousins and I say Ef them! Say no kids and tell them off!!! Is that really the kind of people you want in your life anyway? Ones who completely disregard you and your feelings? It's so unfair to put you in this position!!! I feel so horrible for you! I know what you mean about them bringing kids, then the other people who didn't will think 'how come they were able to bring theirs?' It's so unfair, it makes me want to scream!!! Send me their address so I can mail them an anonymous letter about what manipulative a-holes they are!!!! I'm so sorry you're going through this...

---

AMEN!

---

Posted by LuvMyAlfonse

I get so aggravated just reading this!!!! I've followed your saga re: your cousins and I say Ef them! Say no kids and tell them off!!! Is that really the kind of people you want in your life anyway? Ones who completely disregard you and your feelings? It's so unfair to put you in this position!!! I feel so horrible for you! I know what you mean about them bringing kids, then the other people who didn't will think 'how come they were able to bring theirs?' It's so unfair, it makes me want to scream!!! Send me their address so I can mail them an anonymous letter about what manipulative a-holes they are!!!! I'm so sorry you're going through this...

---

FOR REAL!!!!

Wow Sarah-- I'm so sorry!! What is your minimum? Do you think you will make it?? Then, I know that you said you really want your cousins there but they don't seem like they DESERVE to be there-- or deserve your concern... you know what I mean? They don't even care about your wishes enough to get a babysitter for the night-- so why do you want them there so much? I mean, I could understand if they really cared for you and you were so close-- but what they are doing is so wrong and unfair... and it is a direct slap in the face to you!

I'm so sorry, I don't know what to tell you At least you'll be having your beautiful wedding day no matter what-- it just stinks for right now and it's a lot of stress you don't need

Thank you everyone. My mom is going NUTS on me. She was over last night, and my FH is sick, so he was on the couch studying his work stuff while I was wrapping favors with my mom. My parents saw rings under my eyes, and they now take this to mean that I do everything and he does nothing. So, now they're flipping out and want to know why he gets to decide that no kids are allowed at the wedding when he's doing nothing FOR the wedding, blah, blah, blah... I was on the phone with my mom and dad telling them what I was going to say to my cousin as to why she can't bring her daughter, and how I hope this doesn't mean she won't be there - and how I can't make the exception because we made the decision that we were having an adult only reception and it would cause so many problems on Joe's side of the family if we did and my mom was flipping out saying that BETTER be the phony reason because she's paying for this wedding and Joe's family isn't doing a thing, so I just hung up on my mom. This is just going to new heights that I can't take right now.

all i can say is that it's NOT supposed to be this hard. step back and rethink all of this. how far under the min. are you? if everyone INCLUDING his side brings their kid[s] will it bring you closer to the min/at the min? And you know what? Let your parents play the 'we're paying' card if htey want to let 6 kids in and dictate it. THEY'RE PAYING. My FIL agreed to something odd that I knew would ruffle some feathers so he said to me: tell them I'M paying, I decided on it. it worked and people STFU really fast!

so sorry to hear you are enduring this right now and i see this will be in my future as well as after the STD were sent people already called to ask if their gf or bf's kids could come etc........i just dont understand where it became OK to assume that small children be invited to a wedding, I mean my parents never brought us to weddings and never assumed we were invited!!!

i would say you need to understand that although your family is VERY important that as of your wedding day you and your FH are a family and priority number one..IMO so do what makes the two of you happy and everyone else will get over it, and just an aside being below minimum or not...at our RH kids are not counted in our minimum you might want to double check that before you use that as your angle to invite them...
i hope this works out for you!!!

Have you even talked to your cousin face to face about this at all?? I too have followed your story (I'm frustrated for you), but I don't think I've ever read that you've actually talked to your cousin. I think that if you were to speak to her about why it is that you'd prefer to not have children there she may be more understanding.
Also, your cousin bringing her child has nothing to do with your mother or your aunt.... it sounds like the two of them are blowing the whole situation out of proportion. We've all said it before, weddings bring out the worst in people. Try not to let this minor set back get to you and enjoy the last few weeks of planning... this is supposed to be a happy time Hang in there and try to talk to your cousin yourself, don't do the whole back and forth thing with your mom and aunt.

Honestly, I don't get people. I don't understand why parents don't look forward to a night out alone without the kids. My parents always got us a babysitters for things like this, especially when they knew about it so far in advance. Why do people feel a need to bring their kids everywhere?

I have to agree with your FH on this one. If no kids is the rule, that's the way it stays. Otherwise, like you said, you are going to be making other people mad, including your future in-laws if you didn't invite FH's nephews. I think your cousins are very rude and have a lot of nerve putting you in that position. My attitude is F them. They'll be missing a good party.

I don't even know what to say to you Sarah! You are totally in a jam. For once in my life I am at a loss for words. So all I can do for you is give you some of these and a couple of these for safe measure and know that in the end it will all work out!