Okay. So I totally offended my mom when I asked what she was helping with concerning the wedding. Apparently she doesn't plan on helping at all. I shouldn't have assumed. I did because she helped with my sisters wedding.
Next, my FH parents gave both of his sisters 10K but are only paying for our rehearsal dinner. Don't get me wrong I'm very happy they're giving us anything I just think its slightly... well unfair to say the least.
Lastly, My father said he'd help (my parents are divorced) and I'm not sure how much he is going to give. We're going to sit down and talk about it. It's weird though bc my dad and I have a funny relationship. I grew up in a house hold where you weren't on the same level as your parents (one of those 'bc I said so' house holds). So its weird bc I'm an adult but feel bad talking to my dad about how much he's going to give. I'd be happy with whatever I just want to know so I can budget. And it wouldn't be that big of a deal if there weren't issues with my mother and my FH parents...
Any advice?
camerasweets
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Re: talking to parents about money
Sarahgetsmarried
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Re: talking to parents about money
I wold be honest with them.
I would say to your mom that you really are sorry you offended her. You thought that since she gave your sister money you just assumed it would be the same for you. But you truly are sorry.
**This can be seen as VERY passive agressive so word it the way you need to.
Same for in laws.
And ask dad how much he can afford to give so as you make plans you have all the numbers down in your budget.
im a big fan of being honest and to the point. You can approach it with class and dignity. Be humble but still tell them what you are thinking.
What you also MUST MUST MUST do is keep YOURSELF in mind while planning.
If you take any advice take this:
During the wedidng your parent will say 'you have to invite so and so, and you have to do it this way'.
Dont.
Its your wedding. DONT pass up your 5 friends because your parents insist you invite THEIR 5 friends. Your paying for it.
And im not saying be an uber Bee-atch or a bridezilla. But they cant/wont give you money? Fine. but they should not expect to have wat they want at YOUR wedding!! (regardless if they are paying or not).
Dont be affraid to stand up to them. But again with class, dignity and humility.
good luck.
AdriandSteve
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Re: talking to parents about money
Imo, expect nothing. Not in a bad way but if you plan to save for everything, and in the end someone does offer to help it'll be extra $. Also by doing this it's not going to hold you up with any plans.
It's one of those things that imo i wouldn't bring up first. If someone is going to help let them offer it and have them bring up the conversation. I don't think your wrong for thinking the way you are but you can't be the one to bring it up.
elisa112101
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Re: talking to parents about money
You totally offened your mom!?!? sounds like YOU should have been offended! It's not unreasonable to ske if she would help(it's not like you bridezilla-stlye demaned!) At this point just think of whatever $$ you get as a bonus and it sounds like your on your own for the majority of it!
KrisD72310
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Re: talking to parents about money
This is sticky situation because times are tough now for many. I sort of know what you're going through. My mother had mentioned giving me a small engagement party, because she did for my sister. Then when the time came around my mom said she didn't have the money because everything came up at once....meaning my sister's son's birthday party and her daughter's birth. I was very much offended, but have since let it go and realized that we're on our own here. I would just sit down with your dad and tell him the situation with your mom and say that you know he had mentioned he wants to help, but if he could give you a number so that you had an idea of your budget. Hope everything works out.
allsmiles830
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Re: talking to parents about money
In my opinion, it's 2009...our economy isn't doing so well and I think it's unfair to expect anything from our parents. If it's offered -- all well and good. If not, so be it. We're getting married so it's probably the best time to stand up on our own two feet and do what we can for ourselves. As for me, my future in-laws gave us a very generous early wedding gift, my Mother has helped tremendously and Dad will be soon... It's a joint effort. However, FH and I are paying for the majority of the expenses and to be honest -- I think that's how it should be.
AngnShaun
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Re: talking to parents about money
Posted by allsmiles830
In my opinion, it's 2009...our economy isn't doing so well and I think it's unfair to expect anything from our parents. If it's offered -- all well and good. If not, so be it. We're getting married so it's probably the best time to stand up on our own two feet and do what we can for ourselves. As for me, my future in-laws gave us a very generous early wedding gift, my Mother has helped tremendously and Dad will be soon... It's a joint effort. However, FH and I are paying for the majority of the expenses and to be honest -- I think that's how it should be.
i dont think its unfair to expect something from a parent... im not saying they should be expected to pay for everything... but ...i dont know its her mom... I would be offended if my mom didnt do the same thing she did for my sister 4 years ago...
Soon2bMrsH
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Re: talking to parents about money
Yikes!!!!
thats stinks!!! i would be offended if your mom helped your sister and then said she isnt helping you at all. is she giving you a gift at all??
i think according to wedding ettiquite that the grooms parents pay for the RD and the brides parents are supposed to pay for the wedding. (And that barely happens these days.) so that may be where his parents are coming from.
Its hard to ask for money and help. But atleast your dad is willing to sit down with you. Just try to get it out of him how much he can help, just so you know. Maybe ask him to making payments to a vendor?
You honestly cant expect much from parents these days, its not like it used to be. so expect to pay for the whole thing yourself, and if you get something from them, then great, if not, if you dont expect it, you wont be set up for disappointment.
KerriJohnS
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Re: talking to parents about money
Posted by AngnShaun
Posted by allsmiles830
In my opinion, it's 2009...our economy isn't doing so well and I think it's unfair to expect anything from our parents. If it's offered -- all well and good. If not, so be it. We're getting married so it's probably the best time to stand up on our own two feet and do what we can for ourselves. As for me, my future in-laws gave us a very generous early wedding gift, my Mother has helped tremendously and Dad will be soon... It's a joint effort. However, FH and I are paying for the majority of the expenses and to be honest -- I think that's how it should be.
i dont think its unfair to expect something from a parent... im not saying they should be expected to pay for everything... but ...i dont know its her mom... I would be offended if my mom didnt do the same thing she did for my sister 4 years ago...
ITA Angela!!! Being that she paid for her sister... I would think they would be able and willing to contribute something. No matter how small it is.
That being said... not that I always agree with them... but if you read any etiquette books they all say that as a start to your initial planning you need to figure out a budget and part of that is figuring out who might be able and willing to contribute. Conversations should be had with the parents early on when making the initial plans. Although they aren't always the easiest... there's not much you can do unless you know what you can and cannot afford. Some people might say... just calculate without their contribution and then have that be a happy surprise towards the end... but that's not always feasable for everyone. Especially in the cases where there isn't too many people helping out, like this one. I think you should go out to dinner one day or have him over for dinner or go to his place for dinner and discuss it with him on a very adult level. Explain that you just need to know a roundabout figure so that you can plan your budget accordingly. You can even tell him what other relatives are contributing (i.e. FH parents) so he knows where you are coming from. Also explain what it is you are looking for in your wedding... why type of wedding you want, etc. Just make it natural and honest.
I had to go through somethign similiar. We knew my grandmother was going to contribute...but we didn't know how much and had to talk to her about it. Yes it is uncomfortable and yes it suckss but it's something that has to get done so you know what you can book. Some paretns make it easy and just say upfront.. i will give you xxx amt of money. FH parents were somewhat like this.
The ONLY real time I think it would be unfair to EXPECT something from a parent is if you KNOW they aren't that well off financially and you know there is just no way they can contribute. Other than that.... I do think they should be willing to help out if they are able to. Now help out doesn't necessarily mean throwing you a wedding costing upwards of 50 g but contribute what they can to help out a little bit... even if it's just $5000... or maybe just pay one vendor... or just your dress. In the grand scheme of things NO ONE is ever obligated to give money.... but it's mean when they do it for one kid and then don't for the other (unless other circumstances exist).
allsmiles830
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Re: talking to parents about money
Posted by AngnShaun
Posted by allsmiles830
In my opinion, it's 2009...our economy isn't doing so well and I think it's unfair to expect anything from our parents. If it's offered -- all well and good. If not, so be it. We're getting married so it's probably the best time to stand up on our own two feet and do what we can for ourselves. As for me, my future in-laws gave us a very generous early wedding gift, my Mother has helped tremendously and Dad will be soon... It's a joint effort. However, FH and I are paying for the majority of the expenses and to be honest -- I think that's how it should be.
i dont think its unfair to expect something from a parent... im not saying they should be expected to pay for everything... but ...i dont know its her mom... I would be offended if my mom didnt do the same thing she did for my sister 4 years ago...
Agreed...but people's financial situations change very often and in general, people are NOT in the same situation today as they were 4 years ago... Besides, circumstances alter cases......
MrsHazel2B
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Re: talking to parents about money
Ugh! I'm not sure if your mom should be offended but I don't think it's fair for the families to make you feel bad about helping out. I refuse to ask anyone for help b/c everyone knows a wedding is time consuming and expensive and if they care and are able to, no matter how small, they'd offer. I wouldn't even take it personal. I say screw it, FH and I will do it alone if we have to.
edited for typo!
camerasweets
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Re: talking to parents about money
Posted by allsmiles830
In my opinion, it's 2009...our economy isn't doing so well and I think it's unfair to expect anything from our parents. If it's offered -- all well and good. If not, so be it. We're getting married so it's probably the best time to stand up on our own two feet and do what we can for ourselves. As for me, my future in-laws gave us a very generous early wedding gift, my Mother has helped tremendously and Dad will be soon... It's a joint effort. However, FH and I are paying for the majority of the expenses and to be honest -- I think that's how it should be.
I've always stood up on my own two feet. I moved out when I was 19. I've put myself through college. I've been paying for everything...... since I was 19 and my sisters still live at home! One got knocked up and that's why my mom paid for her wedding... and yet I do things the 'right' way and I get nothing... my FH and I have been dating for almost 5years. She had to have known it was coming and she didn't save at all....
P.S. I'm just venting... It will be fine and I still love my entire family. Sometimes I just feel like because I'm the one that always has it together that I get shafted.
P.S.S. its always easy to have a 'who cares' attitude when you've already gotten a very generous gift.
camerasweets
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Member since
Re: talking to parents about money
Posted by Soon2bMrsH
Yikes!!!!
thats stinks!!! i would be offended if your mom helped your sister and then said she isnt helping you at all. is she giving you a gift at all??
i think according to wedding ettiquite that the grooms parents pay for the RD and the brides parents are supposed to pay for the wedding. (And that barely happens these days.) so that may be where his parents are coming from.
Its hard to ask for money and help. But atleast your dad is willing to sit down with you. Just try to get it out of him how much he can help, just so you know. Maybe ask him to making payments to a vendor?
You honestly cant expect much from parents these days, its not like it used to be. so expect to pay for the whole thing yourself, and if you get something from them, then great, if not, if you dont expect it, you wont be set up for disappointment.
She said she's willing to help as we go along with the bridal shower and what not... (which parents usually do anyway) and that she might offer some things along the way but she doesn't plan on actually giving anymore toward the wedding.
dec21bride
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Re: talking to parents about money
You should not be going into your wedding planning expecting anyone to give you anything including your parents. You are not simply entitled to your parents money and should not assume that they are in a position to give you money. I am sure if your parents can help they would help and if they cannot help then they cannot. I mean yes it is nice if your parents can give you money towards the wedding but these days weddings have gotten out of control and unrealistic. It is one day to which is about your love and relationship with your soon to be husband. You should be budgeting your wedding to what you feel is logical and you can afford.
camerasweets
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Re: talking to parents about money
Posted by KerriJohnS
Posted by AngnShaun
Posted by allsmiles830
The ONLY real time I think it would be unfair to EXPECT something from a parent is if you KNOW they aren't that well off financially and you know there is just no way they can contribute. Other than that.... I do think they should be willing to help out if they are able to. Now help out doesn't necessarily mean throwing you a wedding costing upwards of 50 g but contribute what they can to help out a little bit... even if it's just $5000... or maybe just pay one vendor... or just your dress. In the grand scheme of things NO ONE is ever obligated to give money.... but it's mean when they do it for one kid and then don't for the other (unless other circumstances exist).
well my mom just suddenly had the money to redo her house... its all freshly painted... the floors were just done... the only room not refinished is her room (its a 5 bedroom house with LR, DR, Den...). Is it wrong of me to expect that she perhaps would hold off on getting the wood floors redone to help me out.
again, I'm just venting so none of this comes out to her. I really do love my mom and I know she doesn't mean it meanly. I was just so confused how I offended her. I shouldn't have assumed she'd help but she helps everyone else.
camerasweets
Posted:
Member since
Re: talking to parents about money
Posted by allsmiles830
Posted by AngnShaun
Posted by allsmiles830
In my opinion, it's 2009...our economy isn't doing so well and I think it's unfair to expect anything from our parents. If it's offered -- all well and good. If not, so be it. We're getting married so it's probably the best time to stand up on our own two feet and do what we can for ourselves. As for me, my future in-laws gave us a very generous early wedding gift, my Mother has helped tremendously and Dad will be soon... It's a joint effort. However, FH and I are paying for the majority of the expenses and to be honest -- I think that's how it should be.
i dont think its unfair to expect something from a parent... im not saying they should be expected to pay for everything... but ...i dont know its her mom... I would be offended if my mom didnt do the same thing she did for my sister 4 years ago...
Agreed...but people's financial situations change very often and in general, people are NOT in the same situation today as they were 4 years ago... Besides, circumstances alter cases......
Don't you think though instead of my Mom being offended she should have sat me down and discussed it with me. Saying that she knows that she could give money to both of my sisters for her wedding but right now she's not as financially stable...
AdriandSteve
Posted:
Member since
Re: talking to parents about money
Posted by camerasweets
Posted by allsmiles830
Posted by AngnShaun
Posted by allsmiles830
In my opinion, it's 2009...our economy isn't doing so well and I think it's unfair to expect anything from our parents. If it's offered -- all well and good. If not, so be it. We're getting married so it's probably the best time to stand up on our own two feet and do what we can for ourselves. As for me, my future in-laws gave us a very generous early wedding gift, my Mother has helped tremendously and Dad will be soon... It's a joint effort. However, FH and I are paying for the majority of the expenses and to be honest -- I think that's how it should be.
i dont think its unfair to expect something from a parent... im not saying they should be expected to pay for everything... but ...i dont know its her mom... I would be offended if my mom didnt do the same thing she did for my sister 4 years ago...
Agreed...but people's financial situations change very often and in general, people are NOT in the same situation today as they were 4 years ago... Besides, circumstances alter cases......
Don't you think though instead of my Mom being offended she should have sat me down and discussed it with me. Saying that she knows that she could give money to both of my sisters for her wedding but right now she's not as financially stable...
Your mom might have been embarassed to sit down with you. So by telling you she was offended kinda puts the blame on you and not on her. I'm not saying your mom's bad by any means, it might have just been her way of doing it.
And i've seen it that the 'good' and 'better' child has always gotten less help b/c the parent knows that they don't need to 'worry' about them as much because they will be ok. It's not necessarily right but it's how i've seen it go.
WeddingGem
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Re: talking to parents about money
Posted by camerasweets
Posted by allsmiles830
In my opinion, it's 2009...our economy isn't doing so well and I think it's unfair to expect anything from our parents. If it's offered -- all well and good. If not, so be it. We're getting married so it's probably the best time to stand up on our own two feet and do what we can for ourselves. As for me, my future in-laws gave us a very generous early wedding gift, my Mother has helped tremendously and Dad will be soon... It's a joint effort. However, FH and I are paying for the majority of the expenses and to be honest -- I think that's how it should be.
I've always stood up on my own two feet. I moved out when I was 19. I've put myself through college. I've been paying for everything...... since I was 19 and my sisters still live at home! One got knocked up and that's why my mom paid for her wedding... and yet I do things the 'right' way and I get nothing... my FH and I have been dating for almost 5years. She had to have known it was coming and she didn't save at all....
P.S. I'm just venting... It will be fine and I still love my entire family. Sometimes I just feel like because I'm the one that always has it together that I get shafted.
P.S.S. its always easy to have a 'who cares' attitude when you've already gotten a very generous gift.
ITA -
I too moved out when I was 19!! And I had some of the 'This is unfair moments!!' when talking to my mom and realizing they won´t be contributing as much as they did with my sister. (they said they would not be contributing at all and just give us a 'generous' gift the day of). It can be hard to swallow.
But looking at it clear headedly they are not in the same financlial situation they were back then. I say, plan carefully and stick to a budget as much as you can. Maybe you can have peoples gifts be things for the wedding. For instance my sister said if we get a reasonable price she can pay for either photo video or dj. My mom has said that she will buy my wedding dress if I stick to $500-600.
To give you an idea of how tight our budget is we have only $5K to spend on everything that is not the RH. And we don´t have that money yet but that is what we will be able to save by the wedding date. (we live in a country where min wage is $208/month!!!! And although FH doesn´t make min wage it´s also not a NY salary!! And currently my work situation changed and I´m bringing in less than $500 per month!!!)
I´ve started to go on (as I oftern do ) but I just wanted you to realize I´m in a similar situation and know how you feel. I get so stressed sometimes, esp since on top of having no money i´m planning from a different continent!!
But just breathe and relax. I realized the other day its so easy to loose focus. This is about a marriage and not only the wedding. FH and I were so stressed we were arguing and stuff. I realized that I didn´t want to get to the wedding day hating FH
I am just starting to investigate different option but I can keep you up to date with any good quotes I get! If you need to vent or want some info you can FM me any time.
camerasweets
Posted:
Member since
Re: talking to parents about money
Posted by WeddingGem
Posted by camerasweets
Posted by allsmiles830
In my opinion, it's 2009...our economy isn't doing so well and I think it's unfair to expect anything from our parents. If it's offered -- all well and good. If not, so be it. We're getting married so it's probably the best time to stand up on our own two feet and do what we can for ourselves. As for me, my future in-laws gave us a very generous early wedding gift, my Mother has helped tremendously and Dad will be soon... It's a joint effort. However, FH and I are paying for the majority of the expenses and to be honest -- I think that's how it should be.
I've always stood up on my own two feet. I moved out when I was 19. I've put myself through college. I've been paying for everything...... since I was 19 and my sisters still live at home! One got knocked up and that's why my mom paid for her wedding... and yet I do things the 'right' way and I get nothing... my FH and I have been dating for almost 5years. She had to have known it was coming and she didn't save at all....
P.S. I'm just venting... It will be fine and I still love my entire family. Sometimes I just feel like because I'm the one that always has it together that I get shafted.
P.S.S. its always easy to have a 'who cares' attitude when you've already gotten a very generous gift.
ITA -
I too moved out when I was 19!! And I had some of the 'This is unfair moments!!' when talking to my mom and realizing they won´t be contributing as much as they did with my sister. (they said they would not be contributing at all and just give us a 'generous' gift the day of). It can be hard to swallow.
But looking at it clear headedly they are not in the same financlial situation they were back then. I say, plan carefully and stick to a budget as much as you can. Maybe you can have peoples gifts be things for the wedding. For instance my sister said if we get a reasonable price she can pay for either photo video or dj. My mom has said that she will buy my wedding dress if I stick to $500-600.
To give you an idea of how tight our budget is we have only $5K to spend on everything that is not the RH. And we don´t have that money yet but that is what we will be able to save by the wedding date. (we live in a country where min wage is $208/month!!!! And although FH doesn´t make min wage it´s also not a NY salary!! And currently my work situation changed and I´m bringing in less than $500 per month!!!)
I´ve started to go on (as I oftern do ) but I just wanted you to realize I´m in a similar situation and know how you feel. I get so stressed sometimes, esp since on top of having no money i´m planning from a different continent!!
But just breathe and relax. I realized the other day its so easy to loose focus. This is about a marriage and not only the wedding. FH and I were so stressed we were arguing and stuff. I realized that I didn´t want to get to the wedding day hating FH
I am just starting to investigate different option but I can keep you up to date with any good quotes I get! If you need to vent or want some info you can FM me any time.
Let's seriously stay in touch. i'll let you know if I get any good information. You do the same.
