The Middle Wife
The Middle Wife
> > How would you like to be this teacher? A grammar school teacher
> > >from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her
> > >students...
> > >
> > > I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
> > >myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
> > >second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved
> > >show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students.
> > > It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public
> > >speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed
> > > entertainment.
> > >
> > > Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles
> > >model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I
> > >never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to
> > >lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
> > >
> > > Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
> > >kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
> > >pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
> > >'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
> > >birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and
> > >then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate
> > >for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
> > >
> > > She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying
> > >not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
> > >
> > > The kids are watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays
> > >ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'' Erica puts a hand
> > >behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an
> > >hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!''
> > >
> > > Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and
> > >groaning. 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
> > >doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to
> > >lie down in bed like this.' Erica lies down with her back against the
> > >wall. 'And then, pop!
> > >
> > > My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got
> > >thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
> > >psshhheew!' This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are
> > >miming water flowing away. It was too much!
> > >
> > > 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe,
> > >breathe.'' 'They started counting, but never even got past ten.'
> > > 'Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in
> > >yucky stuff they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a
> > >lot of stuff inside there.' Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical
> > >bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever
> > >since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
> >
> > >another Erica comes along.
> > How would you like to be this teacher? A grammar school teacher
> > >from Miami, remembers this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her
> > >students...
> > >
> > > I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
> > >myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
> > >second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved
> > >show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students.
> > > It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public
> > >speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed
> > > entertainment.
> > >
> > > Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles
> > >model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I
> > >never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to
> > >lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
> > >
> > > Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
> > >kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
> > >pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.
> > >'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his
> > >birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and
> > >then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate
> > >for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
> > >
> > > She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying
> > >not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
> > >
> > > The kids are watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays
> > >ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'' Erica puts a hand
> > >behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an
> > >hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!''
> > >
> > > Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and
> > >groaning. 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
> > >doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to
> > >lie down in bed like this.' Erica lies down with her back against the
> > >wall. 'And then, pop!
> > >
> > > My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got
> > >thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
> > >psshhheew!' This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are
> > >miming water flowing away. It was too much!
> > >
> > > 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe,
> > >breathe.'' 'They started counting, but never even got past ten.'
> > > 'Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in
> > >yucky stuff they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a
> > >lot of stuff inside there.' Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical
> > >bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever
> > >since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case
> >
> > >another Erica comes along.
