The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Original post by AmandaLynn04
Thread views: 12,103
BY: DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER
I finished reading the book, and, here are my thoughts, as promised:
I'll break it down by chapter:
Chapter 1: The Improper Care and Feeding of Husbands. The title tells all. It talks about how women tend to neglect the feelings of their husbands and put themselves first, without even realizing it. I'm going to take a quote from the book here, which sums it up.
'Kaye, a listener, sent me this e-mail to express her awakening to the notion of gratitude:
I must say that an important point came for me when I was listening to you on the radio, Dr. Laura. You were listening to some woman grouse about picky little things, and you asked her, 'Does your husband provide well for your family? Are your kids all healthy? Do you get to stay at home with them?' and so forth. She answered yes to all of those questions. Then you said, 'So stop whining! You have forgotten to be greatful!'
It was as though God took me by the shoulders and said, 'Hello! This is you idiot!' Right at that moment, in the car, I began to thank God for my husband and for every excellent quality he has. Since then, I have made a conscious effort to do the following things:
Thank God daily for such a terrific guy, mentioning specific qualities for which I'm grateful.
Look for daily ways to be a blessing to my husband (trying to understand what pleases him, anticipating his needs, etc.)
Chart my menstrual cycle and remind myself on PMS days that what I'm feeling isn't true and to keep my mouth shut and let it pass.
Avoid books, magazines, and TV shows that describe what marriage, family, and husbands ought to be like, and make a conscious effort to be grateful for things as they are instead of trying to change the people around me.
Take responsibiliy for my own emotional well-being: Stay rested, don't over committ and then complain, stay in touch with friends with a positive influence.
Stay focused on making a home for my family and remember that it is my highest calling and responsibility, and that it has eternal value. The more I do this, the happier and more content I am.'
That's the first chapter, in a nutshell. It is so important for us to realize that we each chose our FH for a reason, and that we need to keep him for that same reason. It is SO HARD to find a good man, and SO EASY to keep one.
It is also so easy to get caught up in the everyday struggle of life, and neglect those closest to us (our husbands) because they're there, and they'll always be there.
Chapter 2: The White Rabbit Syndrome
The White Rabbit Syndrome refers to the retort of the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland.... 'I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date. No time.'
It's very important to make time in your day for FH. Even if it's a 5 minute phone call. Let him know how much he means to you EVERY DAY. Don't take what you have for granted. Don't let (your future) kids, job... etc. get in the way of your marriage, if it weren't for your marriage, the rest might not exist.
Chaper 3: 'You're a nag!'
Just as the title says. Don't be a nag. Praise your FH for doing things, even if they are everyday things that they are supposed to do (i.e. take out the trash, put their plate in the dishwasher). It'll make him want to do even more for you. Trust me.
Chapter 4: Men have feelings? Really? You're kidding!
Now, men do not, and never will have the same feelings as us, and have the ability to express them in the same way. It is very VERY important to understand that.
From the book:
A man needs to feel strong and as a protector for women -- basically, to conquer the beast and rescue the fair maiden.
What every man wants is for his woman to make him feel that he is strong and the head of the household. I am not talking caveman style, dragging the woman around by her hair, but just as the leader of the family.
A man wants respect, kindness, and love from his woman.
A man wants to be put on a pedestal, not so that he can look down at everyone, but, to show him that he is the most important thing to his woman.
A man needs his woman to show him that she needs his strength to help her through life.
** The man should be the major breadwinner in the family. Every man needs a battle or war to win to prove himself that he is strong and capable of conquering any and all dragons that life throws his way. Taking care of his family by working and providing are his battles.
A man needs enthusiastic approval, appreciation, and respect from his wife for being a competent man, husband and father.
A man needs his wife to show some interest in his interests, especially when it's an activity she may not 'get' or like. Just being there is important.
A man needs his wife to greet him after work with love and enthusiasm.
A man needs to know that his wife is sexually satisfied by him.
A man needs his wife's encouragement in order to be a man.
**I don't necessarily believe this one, it's a little too old school for me, but, I put it out there, it was on the list and I didn't want to leave it out.
It's really important to realize that your FH has feelings too, and, even if he can't express them as well as you do, they're there, and they mean something.
Chapter 5: 'Huh? Honey, what did you say? What did that mean?'
In the interest of not making this the longest post ever, in a few words:
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. Men don't get subtle hints. If you want to go to the movies, say:
Honey, let's go to the movies.
NOT:
Honey, what do you want to do tonight? And then get mad when he says he'd like to stay in.
Chapter 6: What's Sex?
Don't ever withhold sex from your husband. Everyone gets tired, and that is no excuse. It's part of a healthy relationship. Don't ever use it as a tool to get what you want, it's just hurtful, and wrong.
A man wrote it:
'My wonderful wife has put it best: 'Sex is to a husband what conversation is to a wife. When a wife deprives her husband of sex for days, even weeks, on end, it is tantamount to his refusing to talk to her for days, even weeks.' Think of it that way, wives, and realize what a deleterious impact enforced sexual abstinence has on a good man who is determined to remain faithful.'
Chapter 7: A Man Should Be Respected In His Own Home
This sounds so much more barbaric than the meaning behind it.
Basically, respect your husbands choices and work together, not against each other.
Here are two more quotes from the book:
This is about a woman who used to be REALLY critical of her husband, and, then she realized, that he may not do things the same way she does, but, he gets it done, and that is what counts.
'And in the end, it doesn't much matter that they eat PBJ sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner for a day or that one tooth brushing gets overlooked or whatever little thing that used to set me off? What matters is that our sons have learned that their daddy is an awesome, competent and loving caretaker. More important, I have learned that I set an example for my sons of how a wife should act. Would I want my sons to marry someone who treats them the way I used to treat my own husband? NO!'
And, the other, really important.
'My mother, I believe, had the best advice; in fact, I tollow it to this day as a married woman. The general idea behind her words was simple: If you want me to love and respect the man you date and eventually marry, don't come to me with complaints about all his faults and weaknesses. You may forgive his words and actions easily; I, however, am your mother, and I don't like to see you hurt. It will take more for me to accept his apologies than it will for you.'
SO TRUE. How often do you complain to your mom about your FH? I know I have. But, it's true. Nobody else is there living your life with you everyday, and, we all get into little arguments. Telling your mother about every little thing is such a bad idea. You may have forgiven and forgotten weeks ago, but, a mother doesn't.
And, finally:
Chapter 8: Guy Time
I'll be quick here.
A guy needs his guy time, be it with his brothers, his parents, his cousins, his friends, whomever. It has NOTHING to do with you, and it does not mean he doesn't love you as much.
We all need and take our girl time, so, we have to reciprocate.
Believe me, when guys get together, it's for nothing else other than to watch a game, or play cards....
It is sometimes hard for us to understand this. 'Why do you need to go out without me? What are you doing that I can't be a part of?'
The answer is nothing. Absolutely nothing. He's being a guy. Let it go.
Okay, that's it. I hope this helps, and, I hope that you girls go out and get the book. It was a great read, and, I highly recommend it. It is NOT for everyone, though, and, you have to read it with an open mind!
AmandaLynn04
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Wait.... what's SAHM? lol
And, I know what you mean. When do we get that time?
And, I think, for me, that time will be once the kids are in bed, and FH and I get to spend our time together for the day.
And, that time will be the occasional Saturday night when I go out with my girlfriends and I leave him to watch the kids?
I have a generally different view on life, and, I know a lot of women won't agree with what I said above, but, that will work for me, and I would never expect it to work for everyone, but, I do expect to be respected for that being how I choose to lead my life, you know what I mean?
Does that make sense too? lol
EGreene79
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Posted by EGreene79
I saw a few people mentioned something similar above, but all I could think when reading this, and the first post on this book, is that this is 'positive reinforcement training' that I use on my DOG! I can see how it could work on humans too, but it just made me laugh, particularly the line about (and I think this was in your first post) thanking him profusely when he brings out the garbage, so in the future he'll start to do it on his own. All I kept thinking was next time FH does something good I'll say 'goooooood booooyy!' and give him a treat!
I think it's great that this book works for you. Understandably it's not for all. I just got a kick out of some of her suggestions.
I know.... I know. lol.
Some of the things she says are far fetched.
But, let me tell you. I asked him once, after he took it, I thanked him, and told him that I appreciate when he does it, and, I haven't touched it since.
Actually, to be completely honest, after reading your first post I have been excessively thanking FH for things like putting the dishes away and cleaning up ... it's not having the same effect in my house ... He's more like 'it's your turn next!' Ah, FH, all about 50-50!!!
nmagel
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Wait.... what's SAHM? lol
stay at home mom
AmandaLynn04
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by EGreene79
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Posted by EGreene79
I saw a few people mentioned something similar above, but all I could think when reading this, and the first post on this book, is that this is 'positive reinforcement training' that I use on my DOG! I can see how it could work on humans too, but it just made me laugh, particularly the line about (and I think this was in your first post) thanking him profusely when he brings out the garbage, so in the future he'll start to do it on his own. All I kept thinking was next time FH does something good I'll say 'goooooood booooyy!' and give him a treat!
I think it's great that this book works for you. Understandably it's not for all. I just got a kick out of some of her suggestions.
I know.... I know. lol.
Some of the things she says are far fetched.
But, let me tell you. I asked him once, after he took it, I thanked him, and told him that I appreciate when he does it, and, I haven't touched it since.
Actually, to be completely honest, after reading your first post I have been excessively thanking FH for things like putting the dishes away and cleaning up ... it's not having the same effect in my house ... He's more like 'it's your turn next!' Ah, FH, all about 50-50!!!
LOL. Well, I am very glad that you gave it a try!! It won't work for everyone! You're DH is onto us!!!
AmandaLynn04
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by nmagel
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Wait.... what's SAHM? lol
stay at home mom
DUH.
AMGBride2008
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by nmagel
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Wait.... what's SAHM? lol
stay at home mom
Thanks Nance
(DRINKS SOON!)
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Wait.... what's SAHM? lol
And, I know what you mean. When do we get that time?
And, I think, for me, that time will be once the kids are in bed, and FH and I get to spend our time together for the day.
And, that time will be the occasional Saturday night when I go out with my girlfriends and I leave him to watch the kids?
I have a generally different view on life, and, I know a lot of women won't agree with what I said above, but, that will work for me, and I would never expect it to work for everyone, but, I do expect to be respected for that being how I choose to lead my life, you know what I mean?
Does that make sense too? lol
Yep, that makes sense. I think the thing that the book fails to cover (and I'm totally speculating, I haven't read it) is that, yeah, we'll do all of these things for our husband, but we expect our husband to do all of these things for us too.
Marriage is a 2 way road, with 2 people striving for the same goal--- a happy marriage. If we followed, to a tee, what this Dr.-Woman is telling us, we really would be Stepford zombies who live to SERVE our husbands.... that's wrong, plain and simple. We, as women, need to be cared for just as much as our husbands do... they're our PARTNERS.
Someone said it earlier (or maybe it was on LIF because this very topic is being discussed there too).... this whole 'plan' that Dr. Whats-her-face came up with has a Catch-22... it could TOTALLY backfire.... you do all of these thing for your husband expecting to gain a more fulfilling marriage but in the end, he could wind up taking advantage of you and treating you like hired help.... I think there's a fine line there that, for those who plan on living this lifestyle (no judgemnet... promise!) need to be aware of.
I think that when you break down what this Dr is telling us, it's quite simple, but it needs to be altered here and there and in the end, you need to look at where it's coming from... a book written by a former unpaid W H O R E who reverted to a life of husband stealing LOL!
Espo22
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Posted by Espo22
interesting, thank you very much for the review.
I agree with alot of things, such as not nagging, saying what you mean, etc.
There was only one thing though that i didnt entirely agree with. Not that i dont agree with it but doesn't apply to everyone and what is said if women are not in the situation. Not every woman is a stay at home mom. Heres what im talking about:
'must say that an important point came for me when I was listening to you on the radio, Dr. Laura. You were listening to some woman grouse about picky little things, and you asked her, 'Does your husband provide well for your family? Are your kids all healthy? Do you get to stay at home with them?' and so forth. She answered yes to all of those questions. Then you said, 'So stop whining! You have forgotten to be greatful!' '
what if the woman helps provide with her husband for their family
You're absolutely right. And, I think that this whole thing applies completely differently to families where both husband and wife contribute financially. In that case, they both need to be greatful, and help each other out.
I think that is makes sense though, if you are a stay at home mom. In this situation, both husband and wife work really hard, and need to be acknowledged for doing so!
If that makes any sense. lol
YES If thats the case then i def do agree
AmandaLynn04
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by AMGBride2008
Posted by nmagel
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Wait.... what's SAHM? lol
stay at home mom
Thanks Nance
(DRINKS SOON!)
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Wait.... what's SAHM? lol
And, I know what you mean. When do we get that time?
And, I think, for me, that time will be once the kids are in bed, and FH and I get to spend our time together for the day.
And, that time will be the occasional Saturday night when I go out with my girlfriends and I leave him to watch the kids?
I have a generally different view on life, and, I know a lot of women won't agree with what I said above, but, that will work for me, and I would never expect it to work for everyone, but, I do expect to be respected for that being how I choose to lead my life, you know what I mean?
Does that make sense too? lol
Yep, that makes sense. I think the thing that the book fails to cover (and I'm totally speculating, I haven't read it) is that, yeah, we'll do all of these things for our husband, but we expect our husband to do all of these things for us too.
Marriage is a 2 way road, with 2 people striving for the same goal--- a happy marriage. If we followed, to a tee, what this Dr.-Woman is telling us, we really would be Stepford zombies who live to SERVE our husbands.... that's wrong, plain and simple. We, as women, need to be cared for just as much as our husbands do... they're our PARTNERS.
Someone said it earlier (or maybe it was on LIF because this very topic is being discussed there too).... this whole 'plan' that Dr. Whats-her-face came up with has a Catch-22... it could TOTALLY backfire.... you do all of these thing for your husband expecting to gain a more fulfilling marriage but in the end, he could wind up taking advantage of you and treating you like hired help.... I think there's a fine line there that, for those who plan on living this lifestyle (no judgemnet... promise!) need to be aware of.
I think that when you break down what this Dr is telling us, it's quite simple, but it needs to be altered here and there and in the end, you need to look at where it's coming from... a book written by a former unpaid W H O R E who reverted to a life of husband stealing LOL!
Yep, basically, that's it. If you can take the basic idea from it, and leave it at that, you can quite possibly help yourself, a lot.
Espo22
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Posted by AMGBride2008
Posted by nmagel
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Wait.... what's SAHM? lol
stay at home mom
Thanks Nance
(DRINKS SOON!)
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Wait.... what's SAHM? lol
And, I know what you mean. When do we get that time?
And, I think, for me, that time will be once the kids are in bed, and FH and I get to spend our time together for the day.
And, that time will be the occasional Saturday night when I go out with my girlfriends and I leave him to watch the kids?
I have a generally different view on life, and, I know a lot of women won't agree with what I said above, but, that will work for me, and I would never expect it to work for everyone, but, I do expect to be respected for that being how I choose to lead my life, you know what I mean?
Does that make sense too? lol
Yep, that makes sense. I think the thing that the book fails to cover (and I'm totally speculating, I haven't read it) is that, yeah, we'll do all of these things for our husband, but we expect our husband to do all of these things for us too.
Marriage is a 2 way road, with 2 people striving for the same goal--- a happy marriage. If we followed, to a tee, what this Dr.-Woman is telling us, we really would be Stepford zombies who live to SERVE our husbands.... that's wrong, plain and simple. We, as women, need to be cared for just as much as our husbands do... they're our PARTNERS.
Someone said it earlier (or maybe it was on LIF because this very topic is being discussed there too).... this whole 'plan' that Dr. Whats-her-face came up with has a Catch-22... it could TOTALLY backfire.... you do all of these thing for your husband expecting to gain a more fulfilling marriage but in the end, he could wind up taking advantage of you and treating you like hired help.... I think there's a fine line there that, for those who plan on living this lifestyle (no judgemnet... promise!) need to be aware of.
I think that when you break down what this Dr is telling us, it's quite simple, but it needs to be altered here and there and in the end, you need to look at where it's coming from... a book written by a former unpaid W H O R E who reverted to a life of husband stealing LOL!
Yep, basically, that's it. If you can take the basic idea from it, and leave it at that, you can quite possibly help yourself, a lot.
yeah that was the only thing i wanted to say that i was a bit like hmmm about but it doesn't apply to me so not like i was like OH NO NOW WAIT ya know. The rest of the things i agree with. I am sorry but some women are such HUGE nags and dont stop, i even sit there and hear them as they're going on and im like OMG SHUT UP!!!! i would go off if i was your bf lol.
MJDoc12
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by Meaghan729
Posted by nmagel
Posted by dancinmyazoff
. This sounds like the class that used to be taught in school during home economics during the 50's 60's that I heard about where you 'learned' how to be a wife.
Funnily enough, those women who took those classes had the marriages that lasted the longest!
doesnt necesarily mean they were happier, its because since the women didnt work, how would they support themselves??
not saying that divorce is better, im just saying i dont think there are more unhappy relationships today, its just that divorce is more socially accepted today, as is women being able to make enough income on their own to support their children.
ditto
just cause Donna Reed looked happy on tv and they taught us that crap in Home Economics doesn't necessarily mean that those 'long' marriages were happy. most often than not A LOT of parents divorce later on in life --- after the children leave --- when they look at their spouse and say 'i don't really like you anymore, i was in it for the kids'. so those 'long marriages' don't always mean perfection
AmandaLynn04
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
I just read the whole thread on LIF. It's cute. And I feel really REALLY bad for a lot of husbands.
ETA: There is a thread on LIF about this, similar to this one, actually, about this one, with the same stuff, well, a lot of bashing, and a random '08er rolling her eyes saying how she couldn't even reply, and rolled her eyes.
DSNY08
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
.
.
AmandaLynn04
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Me too.
DSNY08
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
.
.
DSNY08
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
.
.
AmandaLynn04
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by DawnSNY
I thought this was a great review... well thought out, detailed, and informative. I'm curious to read the book, because I'm traditional at heart as well... I should have been a 1950's HW. I hope thats not offensive to anyone.
Hmm... thunder just roared as I typed that... a sign?
Thank you, and, I feel the same way.... I'm super traditional. And, I completely respect those who feel differently from me.
Espo22
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by AmandaLynn04
I just read the whole thread on LIF. It's cute. And I feel really REALLY bad for a lot of husbands.
ETA: There is a thread on LIF about this, similar to this one, actually, about this one, with the same stuff, well, a lot of bashing, and a random '08er rolling her eyes saying how she couldn't even reply, and rolled her eyes.
im all for a woman knowing how to treat a man. I always do nice things for FH, even if its something little, i always compliment him and like doing things for him. BUT a big problem is that men neglect their wives, and there will be women who bust their a** and they dont even get a thank you or showing some sort of appreciation. I just hope its going both ways. Not disagreeing with what is said in the book but at the same time a woman is trying to be the perfect wife and taking care of her man she needs to make sure he is a man that DESERVES this. i think this is just what im concerned about. Make sure its a man who does things for you too. Amanda not towards you just any woman in general. Of course the book says if you do these things you'll notice the change in your man and hopefully he'll be great too.
But like i said before I know many women who drive their men to act the way they do so its on an individual basis.
HearzBellz
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by AmandaLynn04
I just read the whole thread on LIF. It's cute. And I feel really REALLY bad for a lot of husbands.
And now it is personal.
I so hate that it had to go there. Because really I love a good clean debate. But now it's gone all ugly.
One thing to talk about a book and to say if it suits you or not...that is fine, but now you are overstepping. You know who I feel badly for? I feel badly for those who are so idealized about marriage but are inexperienced. I feel badly for those who think they have it all figured out because when things go wrong - and trust me they will - the book won't help. I feel badly for those who are so unsure of who they are, and what they are in their life, that they have to read some BS manual written by a hypocritical hag. I am so glad that reading one book has made a foundation for you to criticize and feel 'really REALLY bad for a lot of'LIF DHs. Totally uncalled for.
And for the most part the thread on LIF was pretty tame & again disagreeing with the book (although I do understand that the title would suggest otherwise). Most were just amused and joking about a lot of the points made in the post by the author, not the poster.
HearzBellz
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by AmandaLynn04
Thank you, and, I feel the same way.... I'm super traditional. And, I completely respect those who feel differently from me.
wow, you respect us enough to feel badly for our husbands. How nice!
AmandaLynn04
Thread views: 12,103
Member since
Re: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands! (REVIEW) LONGEST POST EVER, BE WARNED!
Posted by HearzBellz
Posted by AmandaLynn04
I just read the whole thread on LIF. It's cute. And I feel really REALLY bad for a lot of husbands.
And now it is personal.
I so hate that it had to go there. Because really I love a good clean debate. But now it's gone all ugly.
One thing to talk about a book and to say if it suits you or not...that is fine, but now you are overstepping. You know who I feel badly for? I feel badly for those who are so idealized about marriage but are inexperienced. I feel badly for those who think they have it all figured out because when things go wrong - and trust me they will - the book won't help. I feel badly for those who are so unsure of who they are, and what they are in their life, that they have to read some BS manual written by a hypocritical hag. I am so glad that reading one book has made a foundation for you to criticize and feel 'really REALLY bad for a lot of'LIF DHs. Totally uncalled for.
And for the most part the thread on LIF was pretty tame & again disagreeing with the book (although I do understand that the title would suggest otherwise). Most were just amused and joking about a lot of the points made in the post by the author, not the poster.
You're wrong. There were MANY posts over there that were outright NASTY. Not all, but, there were quite a few. This NEVER became personal here, but, it did over there, and, well, that's just sad.
