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Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Original post by sarahradio5

I just don't get it...

We went for our engagement pictures last night. Things were going GREAT! He HATES taking pictures, but Doug from Patken really made everything go smoothly, and the pics were WONDERFUL! We really enjoyed TAKING the pics - it was FUN! I can't WAIT for Doug to do our pics on our wedding day! He's AMAZING.

Okay... so it's time to choose the pic we want. We pick one. Fine. I say to him, let's get a copy for your mom and my parents to give them at the Rehearsal Dinner as a gift. First he says okay, but then when the guy helping us walked away, he said no. So, we only ordered the pic that came with our package for free for us.

When we walked out to the car, I told him I can always scan a copy for them at home. He's like, 'How about we just keep this picture for us?'. At first I said, 'okay', but then I started thinking, 'WHY?' This is an awesome picture that I think both our parents would like. We have so few NICE pictures of us... what's the deal. So I was quiet, and he asked what was wrong. First I said nothing, but he pushed it, so I said, 'I don't understand why you don't want to give a copy to your mom and my parents. I think they would really like it.' And he's like, 'Because I'd like something to be just 'US' for once'. !?!?!?!?!

What does THAT mean? A PICTURE?! My mom knew that we were going for this... HECK, she's paying for us to have Doug... she can't have a COPY OF A PICTURE?!?!

So I said, Joe... what is the big deal? It's a picture. I think they'd really like it. He's like, 'fine... do what you want.' And got mad. (ruining what WAS a really nice night over something SO stupid). I said, 'Joe... I don't get it... it's not like I'm giving them OUR picture. I'm making them a COPY. The couple in front of us was ordering copies for THEIR parents. People DO this. NOT a big deal.'

The BACKGROUND here is that he feels that I'm TOO close to my parents. Which I don't see there's anything WRONG with. My parents have been my best friends my whole life. I don't know if you call it jealousy, or what, but he keeps saying HE wants to be Number 1. But he picks the STUPIDEST things as examples of me putting them before him... like making them a COPY of our engagement picture! It's such a sweet picture!!! It's not like we're naked or anything! Then he said, 'what's gonna happen on our honeymoon... you're gonna call them everyday from Disney to tell them what we did each day?'. Um... yeah, probably. I don't see anything wrong with that!

He gets along SO well with my parents. They would be SO hurt to know the level of jealousy or resentment he has towards them. It's SUCH an issue with us, I don't know what to do. After the fight, I just laid in bed, cried, fell asleep, he left for work and we haven't spoken. I feel sick over this. It was just such a NICE night that turned to crap over something SO stupid. I can't imagine my mom asking for a copy, which she ALREADY said she wanted before we even went, and me having to say NO!?!?!? I won't tell her no. There's no logical reason for it.

edited to add this, which is also posted as one of my replies on page 2:

Thank you. I really DO make a concerted effor to put my FH first. REALLY. I just did NOT think that making them a COPY OF A PICTURE was a big deal!!!

And if I did learn one thing here, it's that I will not call my parents every day from my honeymoon. Honestly, I don't know if I really would have anyway. HE brought it up out of nowhere, assuming I would. I never really thought of it. And I don't even remember the last time I was on vacation to think if I called them every day. Ya know what... on our romantic trips to log cabins and to Baltimore and Bed and Breakfasts, I don't think I DID call them at ALL! He just really threw me off by saying that out of nowhere, I just didn't have a chance to think about the fact that I WOULDN'T call them each day!! ugh... he just gets my HEAD spinning with these arguments sometimes!!! But what ANNOYS me is that the one or two times I WILL call them during the trip (to THANK them maybe for the Dinner with Cinderella they're treating us to or something), I'm going to think I'm BETRAYING him or something.
CLMon7906 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by AMANDA2378


CLMon7906 - how did you make your fh see it that way??
bc believe me, sometimes i really want to hit him!!
and i find myself feeling alittle eh towards his parents sometimes, bc of what hes doing. its not all him either though , his parents sometimes are alittle too much with the calls or telling him/us on how to do things but in a way like 'oh , well thats how i would do it, but you do what you want'


sarah,

i would just let him cool off a bit and dont do anything with the picture yet.,.....onces he cools off maybe he'll think about it and then suggest coping it after all. im sure his parents would like a copy of it.........wait it out for a bit and then take it from there.


I just kept repeating myself and eventually, his mother told him the same thing. Your wife/husband is your new family and they come FIRST from here on out. Everyone else comes next. [husband/wife/kids] That doesn't mean they become less important, but they simply can't be the first people you turn to.
AMANDA2378 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by CLMon7906

Posted by AMANDA2378


CLMon7906 - how did you make your fh see it that way??
bc believe me, sometimes i really want to hit him!!
and i find myself feeling alittle eh towards his parents sometimes, bc of what hes doing. its not all him either though , his parents sometimes are alittle too much with the calls or telling him/us on how to do things but in a way like 'oh , well thats how i would do it, but you do what you want'


sarah,

i would just let him cool off a bit and dont do anything with the picture yet.,.....onces he cools off maybe he'll think about it and then suggest coping it after all. im sure his parents would like a copy of it.........wait it out for a bit and then take it from there.


I just kept repeating myself and eventually, his mother told him the same thing. Your wife/husband is your new family and they come FIRST from here on out. Everyone else comes next. [husband/wife/kids] That doesn't mean they become less important, but they simply can't be the first people you turn to.



my fmil would never say that to him!!!!!!!! please if she could still wipe his a**, she would!!!!!! thats mean to say, but she even still buys things/presents for his sis from him!!!! when she comes over, shes like to put little things where she wants. (not my house yet, but im sure she'll suggest things when it is)she still buys him his grating cheese!!!!!!
july06bride Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

This is a tough situation that obviously is not really over a picture unfortunately...if it were only thata easy... I would NOT copy the picture yet, I would wait until you are both on better terms and bring it up again-remind him that you are making it for BOTH moms, not just yours.

ALTHOUGH, if he really doesnt want you to, than I would leave it alone-They will have a ton of pictures to choose from after the wedding. I would let him 'have this one'

As for calling on your honeymoon... thats special time for the two of you. My mother is my best friend too-I am an only child and my parents and I are very close-but they also understood that it is my honeymoon and they did not expect phone calls. I did email ONE time- mid week-only cause we were checking our emails.

My mom is my best friend like I said-BUT, I wouldnt be calling any friends or family at all on my honeymoon! Its time for us to be alone and its just not necessary-catch them up when you get home-send a postcard, write an email once-but dont sneak calls...it may backfire.

Good luck, I know how difficult a transition it is.
happygirl07 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Sarah,
First of all

I sincerely think that FH's argument is not over a 'picture'. He wants certain things to be special to only the both of you. I think that is quite understandable.

I can also understand why you are mad. I have had certain instances where I got mad because I got mad when I didn't want to get mad. I hope that makes sense.

But going back to the issue at hand. I don't think it would hurt if you would think about the validation of his feelings and then calling him and letting him know that he is right in wanting to keep that picture for both of you. You can also mention that since a lot of the other pictures came out nicely, that it would be a good touch to mail one to his mother and your parents as well for them to cherish of their kids. He might see things differently if approached that way.

I am not a big fan at all about not speaking to each other due to argument. Life is too short for that. I sincerely would not want anything to ever happen to either one of us and us to resent that.

So, please calm down a bit. Do not think he's trying to alleniate you from your parents. If he gets along with them like you say he does, then that is not his attempt.

I wish you all the luck in the world in trying to resolve this.

Kara and Todd Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

I think it's pretty obvious that it's not about the picture. The picture is symptomatic of something else he's feeling here. Whether that is rational or irrational, I have no idea - and couldn't, not being in your or his shoes.

I would try to discuss the deeper issues with him CALMLY, without arguing if possible.

Is it possible that he feels that you tell your parents everything? Perhaps it's not that you are so close to your parents, but maybe he feels like you tell / share everything with them and therefore nothing is sacred or secret just between you two? Even if you are putting him first, he still might feel that you are sharing too much of your relationship with him with your parents/family.

If my FH were telling his parents everything about our relationship -- or most of the things about our relationship, even little things that may seem like no big deal -- I might start to feel there was a lack of intimacy and privacy between us...

Whatever it is, you need to get to the root of FH's feelings and see what's going on. This is not about the picture.
sarahradio5 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by happygirl07

Sarah,
First of all

I sincerely think that FH's argument is not over a 'picture'. He wants certain things to be special to only the both of you. I think that is quite understandable.

I can also understand why you are mad. I have had certain instances where I got mad because I got mad when I didn't want to get mad. I hope that makes sense.

But going back to the issue at hand. I don't think it would hurt if you would think about the validation of his feelings and then calling him and letting him know that he is right in wanting to keep that picture for both of you. You can also mention that since a lot of the other pictures came out nicely, that it would be a good touch to mail one to his mother and your parents as well for them to cherish of their kids. He might see things differently if approached that way.

I am not a big fan at all about not speaking to each other due to argument. Life is too short for that. I sincerely would not want anything to ever happen to either one of us and us to resent that.

So, please calm down a bit. Do not think he's trying to alleniate you from your parents. If he gets along with them like you say he does, then that is not his attempt.

I wish you all the luck in the world in trying to resolve this.



thank you. I just spoke to HIS mom on my lunch break about it. She said I'm going to have to be smart about my relationship with my mom when it comes to him because for whatever reason, he sees it as me putting my family first, even though it's not true. She said that no matter how unreasonable his feelings are, they're his feelings. Last night, his feelings were hurt, even if it was over something unreasonable. I asked her if she would have liked the picture, and she said yes. I told her that I DO appreciate that he wanted something to be just 'ours', but I also wanted to share a truly special picture, something we've never had before - and something a LOT of couples do - with our PARENTS. It's NORMAL. But I asked her if she thought it would be a nice compromise if I went to Patken and ordered the 'other' picture we were considering for the parents - and kept the one we ordered yesterday just for us. She thought that would be a nice compromise, but told me not to be surprised if Joe didn't take to it right away because he's stubborn and still licking his wounds. (I swear, he's worse than a kid...). So, that's what I'm gonna do. This way, we'll have 'our' special picture in our house. And we can still give the other picture to our parents.
Kara and Todd Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

It's good to compromise over the picture, but don't neglect the underlying issues.

Try also to start an open dialogue about this with FH, since obviously the root issues are hurting both of you guys!
SeptBride70 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

nah he is turning it into you putting your fam above him when really it is you having a close, nice relationship with them and he is jealous and resentful of that... THAT is what it is and him saying you are putting your fam above him is what he is SAYING the problem is--- it's called displacing!!

psych major right here people-- psych major
Kara and Todd Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

I don't believe it's at all possible to determine exactly what the problem is from just hearing one story from one person's perspective.

Either or both people in the relationship could be totally rational or totally irrational... I just think it's a good idea to at least have an open dialogue about it.
diluvchu Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by Kara and Todd

I don't believe it's at all possible to determine exactly what the problem is from just hearing one story from one person's perspective.

Either or both people in the relationship could be totally rational or totally irrational... I just think it's a good idea to at least have an open dialogue about it.


I agree. No offense, but they seem to have a lot of arguments, don't you think there may be a lot of underlying issues in this relationship, not just 'displacing'.
SeptBride70 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

well, i have no idea what happens in their personal life and i don't keep track of every single argument-- fh and i fight like cats and dogs-- just like that couple in the notebook-- we are SO them lol it's scary...

but i was just basically taking this one single event as an example and that is what i feel-- am i right? who knows! am i wrong? could be! but that is just what i think is going in in this particular instance...

all i know is that he really seems mad resentful... if he simply wanted to keep a pic between the two of them then why wouldn't he have said it nicely? why is it a passive agressive attitude and sarcastic tone? vinny would have just said to me 'oh babe, let's keep this one as a special one that just you and me have'... DONE! and then the other person's feelings don't get hurt. It's not that hard.
LaurenluvsTJ Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by STBMrsDaniRella

well, i have no idea what happens in their personal life and i don't keep track of every single argument-- fh and i fight like cats and dogs-- just like that couple in the notebook-- we are SO them lol it's scary...

but i was just basically taking this one single event as an example and that is what i feel-- am i right? who knows! am i wrong? could be! but that is just what i think is going in in this particular instance...

all i know is that he really seems mad resentful... if he simply wanted to keep a pic between the two of them then why wouldn't he have said it nicely? why is it a passive agressive attitude and sarcastic tone? vinny would have just said to me 'oh babe, let's keep this one as a special one that just you and me have'... DONE! and then the other person's feelings don't get hurt. It's not that hard.


How do you know what his tone was and what his attitiude was? Like many have said, we have only heard one side of the argument, and we are trying to give sarah the best advice we can by looking at it from both ways. none of us were present during this argument except for sarah and her FH so none of us knows what actually happened, we can only try to understand from what sarah has told us.
We have all gotten pi$$ed at our SO and I am sure when we relay what has happened to our friends our stories would be totally different than what our SO would tell.
Kara and Todd Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Regardless of knowing what his tone was, he could be mad / resentful for any number of reasons - justifiable or not, rational or irrational.

No one is arguing that the fight over the picture wasn't symptomatic of a larger issue. We're trying to say that it's not possible from the info given to know for sure what the issue is.
sarahradio5 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by diluvchu

Posted by Kara and Todd

I don't believe it's at all possible to determine exactly what the problem is from just hearing one story from one person's perspective.

Either or both people in the relationship could be totally rational or totally irrational... I just think it's a good idea to at least have an open dialogue about it.


I agree. No offense, but they seem to have a lot of arguments, don't you think there may be a lot of underlying issues in this relationship, not just 'displacing'.


excuse me... but I'm right here. How DARE you talk about me and my relationship like I'm 'not in the room?'. My RELATIONSHIP is fine. This is called the STRESS of THREE WEEKS BEFORE MY WEDDING. I came here for support, and instead I get the 'INFAMOUS THREE' with their OWN mean agendas (whatever they are) being high and mighty with their relationship advice, as if THEIR relationships are problem free. I swear, it's like high school. As always, I am open to differing opinions, but NOT when people feel the need to stand on SOAP BOXES to give them. I really wish I could block THREE peole from responding to open CHAT posts because then I would get REAL, honest advice without their need to act 'above' everyone else when we all know that's not the case.

Thank you to all who have FM'd me about this, telling me not to listen to the girls who have been so 'harsh'. Funny how that 'harsh' word CONSTANTLY comes up when certain people respond to my posts. It's unnecessary - and I would NEVER be that 'harsh' when someone comes on here in need.
SeptBride70 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by Kara and Todd

Regardless of knowing what his tone was, he could be mad / resentful for any number of reasons - justifiable or not, rational or irrational.

No one is arguing that the fight over the picture wasn't symptomatic of a larger issue. We're trying to say that it's not possible from the info given to know for sure what the issue is.


i agree

but i'm almost positive that THIS is what it is...

and i know that b/c i have met him, sarah multiple times and b/c i have gotten more information about the situation from sarah one on one... it's sad-- he's a good guy and he loves her dearly but i think i know (first hand unfortunately) WHY he is resentful and WHY he gets upset at what he does i used to do the same things... we have A LOT in common in terms of family issues.

and to say we have no idea is completely true-- and everything we that EVERYONE is saying could be 100% on or 100% off base-- who knows and we are all guessing and anyone could just take what someone writes and go 'well, it could be the other way around'... but this is what I feel and that's my story and i'm sticking to it! lol although i hope i'm wrong-- it would be easier for them to deal with if it was another issue-- i know, it took me a long time to not be resentful and angry at people with better family lives than i have... it's really hard.
SeptBride70 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by sarahradio5

It's unnecessary - and I would NEVER be that 'harsh' when someone comes on here in need.


Yes, it is unnecessary...

and No, you would NEVER be that way... it is just not in you... it is not who you are. Well, at least you have that-- I would hold onto that b/c at the end of the day you can rest easy knowing that you are a good person with a kind heart.

ant n tilde Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

okay i have been reading this but i had nothing really to say until now

sarah - i am giving you and support right now - three weeks before your wedding ANY fight is exra hurtful. . . i am so sorry that you guys are fighting right now. . .

i dont know enough about you or your relationship to really offer any advice other than try not to let this ruin this beautiful and EXCITING time right before your wedding

if you need someone to talk to - i am here as an anonymous NON JUDGEMENTAL friend for you to vent to

honestly, if i posted some of the fights FH and I had - you guys would be reporting him AND me to some type of social services . . . we have been together for almost nine years and we are madly in love. . .when we fight WE FIGHT - and sometimes those things dont make sense to other people but luckily i have TRUE friends who basically say 'dont worry about it - here's a shot of tequila' - i know my friends do not agree with everything that my FH does but they have NEVER judged my relationship based on one argument ( or a month's worth of arguments for that matter' so just talk to those people that you can depend on - move on with your relationship - and focus on getting married in a few weeks

SeptBride70 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

aww, that was so sweet matilde!!!
Soon2BeMrs2006 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by ant n tilde

okay i have been reading this but i had nothing really to say until now

sarah - i am giving you and support right now - three weeks before your wedding ANY fight is exra hurtful. . . i am so sorry that you guys are fighting right now. . .

i dont know enough about you or your relationship to really offer any advice other than try not to let this ruin this beautiful and EXCITING time right before your wedding

if you need someone to talk to - i am here as an anonymous NON JUDGEMENTAL friend for you to vent to

honestly, if i posted some of the fights FH and I had - you guys would be reporting him AND me to some type of social services . . . we have been together for almost nine years and we are madly in love. . .when we fight WE FIGHT - and sometimes those things dont make sense to other people but luckily i have TRUE friends who basically say 'dont worry about it - here's a shot of tequila' - i know my friends do not agree with everything that my FH does but they have NEVER judged my relationship based on one argument ( or a month's worth of arguments for that matter' so just talk to those people that you can depend on - move on with your relationship - and focus on getting married in a few weeks



Very well said

And Sarah a million of these from me
sarahradio5 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by ant n tilde

okay i have been reading this but i had nothing really to say until now

sarah - i am giving you and support right now - three weeks before your wedding ANY fight is exra hurtful. . . i am so sorry that you guys are fighting right now. . .

i dont know enough about you or your relationship to really offer any advice other than try not to let this ruin this beautiful and EXCITING time right before your wedding

if you need someone to talk to - i am here as an anonymous NON JUDGEMENTAL friend for you to vent to

honestly, if i posted some of the fights FH and I had - you guys would be reporting him AND me to some type of social services . . . we have been together for almost nine years and we are madly in love. . .when we fight WE FIGHT - and sometimes those things dont make sense to other people but luckily i have TRUE friends who basically say 'dont worry about it - here's a shot of tequila' - i know my friends do not agree with everything that my FH does but they have NEVER judged my relationship based on one argument ( or a month's worth of arguments for that matter' so just talk to those people that you can depend on - move on with your relationship - and focus on getting married in a few weeks



OMG! I love you! You totally just made me cry! Thank you SOOOOO much! I needed that! (and I really think I felt those hugs!)

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