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Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Original post by sarahradio5

I just don't get it...

We went for our engagement pictures last night. Things were going GREAT! He HATES taking pictures, but Doug from Patken really made everything go smoothly, and the pics were WONDERFUL! We really enjoyed TAKING the pics - it was FUN! I can't WAIT for Doug to do our pics on our wedding day! He's AMAZING.

Okay... so it's time to choose the pic we want. We pick one. Fine. I say to him, let's get a copy for your mom and my parents to give them at the Rehearsal Dinner as a gift. First he says okay, but then when the guy helping us walked away, he said no. So, we only ordered the pic that came with our package for free for us.

When we walked out to the car, I told him I can always scan a copy for them at home. He's like, 'How about we just keep this picture for us?'. At first I said, 'okay', but then I started thinking, 'WHY?' This is an awesome picture that I think both our parents would like. We have so few NICE pictures of us... what's the deal. So I was quiet, and he asked what was wrong. First I said nothing, but he pushed it, so I said, 'I don't understand why you don't want to give a copy to your mom and my parents. I think they would really like it.' And he's like, 'Because I'd like something to be just 'US' for once'. !?!?!?!?!

What does THAT mean? A PICTURE?! My mom knew that we were going for this... HECK, she's paying for us to have Doug... she can't have a COPY OF A PICTURE?!?!

So I said, Joe... what is the big deal? It's a picture. I think they'd really like it. He's like, 'fine... do what you want.' And got mad. (ruining what WAS a really nice night over something SO stupid). I said, 'Joe... I don't get it... it's not like I'm giving them OUR picture. I'm making them a COPY. The couple in front of us was ordering copies for THEIR parents. People DO this. NOT a big deal.'

The BACKGROUND here is that he feels that I'm TOO close to my parents. Which I don't see there's anything WRONG with. My parents have been my best friends my whole life. I don't know if you call it jealousy, or what, but he keeps saying HE wants to be Number 1. But he picks the STUPIDEST things as examples of me putting them before him... like making them a COPY of our engagement picture! It's such a sweet picture!!! It's not like we're naked or anything! Then he said, 'what's gonna happen on our honeymoon... you're gonna call them everyday from Disney to tell them what we did each day?'. Um... yeah, probably. I don't see anything wrong with that!

He gets along SO well with my parents. They would be SO hurt to know the level of jealousy or resentment he has towards them. It's SUCH an issue with us, I don't know what to do. After the fight, I just laid in bed, cried, fell asleep, he left for work and we haven't spoken. I feel sick over this. It was just such a NICE night that turned to crap over something SO stupid. I can't imagine my mom asking for a copy, which she ALREADY said she wanted before we even went, and me having to say NO!?!?!? I won't tell her no. There's no logical reason for it.

edited to add this, which is also posted as one of my replies on page 2:

Thank you. I really DO make a concerted effor to put my FH first. REALLY. I just did NOT think that making them a COPY OF A PICTURE was a big deal!!!

And if I did learn one thing here, it's that I will not call my parents every day from my honeymoon. Honestly, I don't know if I really would have anyway. HE brought it up out of nowhere, assuming I would. I never really thought of it. And I don't even remember the last time I was on vacation to think if I called them every day. Ya know what... on our romantic trips to log cabins and to Baltimore and Bed and Breakfasts, I don't think I DID call them at ALL! He just really threw me off by saying that out of nowhere, I just didn't have a chance to think about the fact that I WOULDN'T call them each day!! ugh... he just gets my HEAD spinning with these arguments sometimes!!! But what ANNOYS me is that the one or two times I WILL call them during the trip (to THANK them maybe for the Dinner with Cinderella they're treating us to or something), I'm going to think I'm BETRAYING him or something.
shellnroc Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

I don't think he's mad about giving your parents a picture. I think there is something else that's bothering him.
Is he close to his mom?

On my HM, DH's family called him everyday. He is very very close to his family, as well as i am with mine. They just baby him more (but that's another story). Anyway, it kind of was annoying when his dad or grandma would call him. Everytime I came out of the shower I would hear him on the phone. Don't get me wrong, i don't think there is anything wrong with calling your family on your HM. I called mine more than once. But everyday is a little much.

I would try to talk to him when he gets home from work. There seems to be something bothering him. beside the E-pic or being number 1.

Keep us posted!
sarahradio5 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by STBMrsDaniRella

I know in the beginning when Vinny and I first started dating I would get annoyed over things that really didn't bother me-- b/c deep down, I was jealous of the fact that Vinny has a loving, normal family and that my Mom (mostly, more than my Dad who is fine)... but I was upset that my Mom and I never had a good bond... we are like perfect strangers and then everything with my sister just made that worse b/c she favors her.... Her problems are more important than anything right now... She even said that she can't enjoy my wedding or be in 'wedding mode' for me-- b/c of Jenn. Unbelievable!!!

So I can understand, if that is WHY Joe is being that way-- but I can understand where he is coming from. But he needs to let go of all that hate and realize that other people have better situations than him but there is no reason to rain on their parade-- I try as hard as I can now to benefit from Vinny's loving and close family... That way, at least I have SOMEONE who gives a damn about me... B/c, whether they really do or not, right now: I don't feel it from my family-- not at all, not even a little bit.

Well, I don't know what else to say Sarah-- if it is not what I wrote about above then I don't know what it is-- male PMS?

HTH


Thanks, Dani. You're right. I think there ARE deeper issues here. Joe lost his dad about 10 years ago, and his whole family agrees that he never dealt with it. HE even knows he didn't. He has a really hard time celebrating Father's Day with my dad. He has a LOT of issues about his dad. He won't even let me light a memory candle for his dad at our ceremony. He got PISSED at me at the mere mention of it. His mom moved to Florida, away from her three kids here in NY. My mom cannot comprehend that. She talks to Joe once a week. I'll call her for something and ask if she wants to talk to her son, and she'll say, 'No, just tell him I said 'Hi'.'. Meanwhile, awhile back, I can remember my FH telling his AUNT that we would VISIT her while we were in Disney World since she lives in FL and wasn't coming up for the wedding. Um... NO! My aunt lives in FL, too, but we're not going to visit her on our honeymoon! So, the fact that THEN it was okay to bring HIS family into our honeymoon, but I can't CALL my mom is a double standard. I will make sure that I don't call my mom everyday. In all honesty, I don't even know if I would really have called EVERY day. Who knows?!?! He brought that up out of NOWHERE last night. (initially he sarcastically said that we would bring them WITH us. He really can be such a d!ck.). The whole argument was out of nowhere, and that is what was so hurtful. It was such a beautiful night, taking the pics. Now, we're still not speaking. Meanwhile, he talks to his SISTER every day. Should I call him on THAT?? I just don't get why my FH is doing this to me... YES... I feel he is hurting me with this. I shouldn't feel WRONG for being SO close to my parents.
kahlua716 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Everytime I came out of the shower I would hear him on the phone.


LOL-- I was just about to suggest you check in with the fam while he's in the shower, this way,it doesn't cut into your time together. I guess its not the best idea...
AMGBride2008 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Sarah, I totally see where your coming from. Im super close with my parents too (so if FD) BUT once I'm married to FH, his feeling are going to come before my parents and same with me and his parents. As soon as you say 'I Do' FH becomes your 1st priority... you can't put your parents at the same level as FH, it's not fair.
I do however think he's being childish.... it's a picture for God's sake!!! Don't back down, but definitely explain to him that your parents asked for a copy and you can't tell them no, but that in the future you will consider his feelings about including your parents in certain things before you actually jump the gun and include them.
As for the HM and calling home. I get it, your mom is your best friend... but if she wasn't, and your girlfriend from high school was your best friend, would you call her everyday??? Please, do not call your parents every single day... I think it would start your marriage off on the wrong foot.
Im sure this will smooth over quickly, but start to take FH's feelings about your relationship wih your parents versus your relationship with him into consideration.
SeptBride70 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Hmm, it's so funny that you mentioned about the Aunt in Florida b/c just as I started to read that I remembered that!! He is going to get upset with you about calling on the phone but he wanted to visit his Aunt on your HM?!

Well, that definitely made up my mind about his problem. He is VERY resentful of your good relationship with your parents and family-- instead of handling it the right way by being happy for you even though his situation is no bueno... he is angry at you and it comes out in a passive agressive manner-- with the sarcastic comments and getting upset at the most random things... yet, it seems to be OK that he talks to his sister on the phone everyday but is not OK for you... I think it really bothers him that his mom calls and speaks with you but doesn't even care enough to get on the phone with him...

AND she only calls once a week-- what's up with that? And it is random that she moved away from her three children... that all just supports my theory about him... and it's sad, I feel bad for him but there is no reason to take it out on you. He does not know how to handle his emotions well and will end up hurting you in the process. If he sees a therapist who can help him understand that his situation IS the way that it is-- and that there is nothing he can do but try and be close with OTHERS (like your family) and not hate on you for that...

SO sorry
sarahradio5 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by KimAMalone

Sarah, I totally see where your coming from. Im super close with my parents too (so if FD) BUT once I'm married to FH, his feeling are going to come before my parents and same with me and his parents. As soon as you say 'I Do' FH becomes your 1st priority... you can't put your parents at the same level as FH, it's not fair.
I do however think he's being childish.... it's a picture for God's sake!!! Don't back down, but definitely explain to him that your parents asked for a copy and you can't tell them no, but that in the future you will consider his feelings about including your parents in certain things before you actually jump the gun and include them.
As for the HM and calling home. I get it, your mom is your best friend... but if she wasn't, and your girlfriend from high school was your best friend, would you call her everyday??? Please, do not call your parents every single day... I think it would start your marriage off on the wrong foot.
Im sure this will smooth over quickly, but start to take FH's feelings about your relationship wih your parents versus your relationship with him into consideration.


Thank you. I really DO make a concerted effor to put my FH first. REALLY. I just did NOT think that making them a COPY OF A PICTURE was a big deal!!!

And if I did learn one thing here, it's that I will not call my parents every day from my honeymoon. Honestly, I don't know if I really would have anyway. HE brought it up out of nowhere, assuming I would. I never really thought of it. And I don't even remember the last time I was on vacation to think if I called them every day. Ya know what... on our romantic trips to log cabins and to Baltimore and Bed and Breakfasts, I don't think I DID call them at ALL! He just really threw me off by saying that out of nowhere, I just didn't have a chance to think about the fact that I WOULDN'T call them each day!! ugh... he just gets my HEAD spinning with these arguments sometimes!!! But what ANNOYS me is that the one or two times I WILL call them during the trip (to THANK them maybe for the Dinner with Cinderella they're treating us to or something), I'm going to think I'm BETRAYING him or something.
CLMon7906 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by sarahradio5

Posted by KimAMalone

Sarah, I totally see where your coming from. Im super close with my parents too (so if FD) BUT once I'm married to FH, his feeling are going to come before my parents and same with me and his parents. As soon as you say 'I Do' FH becomes your 1st priority... you can't put your parents at the same level as FH, it's not fair.
I do however think he's being childish.... it's a picture for God's sake!!! Don't back down, but definitely explain to him that your parents asked for a copy and you can't tell them no, but that in the future you will consider his feelings about including your parents in certain things before you actually jump the gun and include them.
As for the HM and calling home. I get it, your mom is your best friend... but if she wasn't, and your girlfriend from high school was your best friend, would you call her everyday??? Please, do not call your parents every single day... I think it would start your marriage off on the wrong foot.
Im sure this will smooth over quickly, but start to take FH's feelings about your relationship wih your parents versus your relationship with him into consideration.


Thank you. I really DO make a concerted effor to put my FH first. REALLY. I just did NOT think that making them a COPY OF A PICTURE was a big deal!!!

And if I did learn one thing here, it's that I will not call my parents every day from my honeymoon. Honestly, I don't know if I really would have anyway. HE brought it up out of nowhere, assuming I would. I never really thought of it. And I don't even remember the last time I was on vacation to think if I called them every day. Ya know what... on our romantic trips to log cabins and to Baltimore and Bed and Breakfasts, I don't think I DID call them at ALL! He just really threw me off by saying that out of nowhere, I just didn't have a chance to think about the fact that I WOULDN'T call them each day!! ugh... he just gets my HEAD spinning with these arguments sometimes!!! But what ANNOYS me is that the one or two times I WILL call them during the trip (to THANK them maybe for the Dinner with Cinderella they're treating us, too or something), I'm going to think I'm BETRAYING him or something.


Honestly, my DH wanted to call his mommy and my aunt[she was keeping our daughter] and I made a big deal about how absurd it was and how everyone knows we're on our HM and don't expect a call. He was annoyed [as are you] b/c he felt they would find it rude/disrespectful! When I relayed this message a few weeks later to his mom and my aunt, they rolled their eyes and laughed saying: 'that's crazy...you were on your HM...we didn't expect to hear from you. You were supposed to be enjoying each other, not calling us to check on things'

Honestly, someone said it earlier, call them once you get there and on the way home...I'd call from airports and that's it. It will kill the mood and excitement of the whole HM by calling ANYONE. It simply will.
sarahradio5 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by STBMrsDaniRella

Hmm, it's so funny that you mentioned about the Aunt in Florida b/c just as I started to read that I remembered that!! He is going to get upset with you about calling on the phone but he wanted to visit his Aunt on your HM?!

Well, that definitely made up my mind about his problem. He is VERY resentful of your good relationship with your parents and family-- instead of handling it the right way by being happy for you even though his situation is no bueno... he is angry at you and it comes out in a passive agressive manner-- with the sarcastic comments and getting upset at the most random things... yet, it seems to be OK that he talks to his sister on the phone everyday but is not OK for you... I think it really bothers him that his mom calls and speaks with you but doesn't even care enough to get on the phone with him...

AND she only calls once a week-- what's up with that? And it is random that she moved away from her three children... that all just supports my theory about him... and it's sad, I feel bad for him but there is no reason to take it out on you. He does not know how to handle his emotions well and will end up hurting you in the process. If he sees a therapist who can help him understand that his situation IS the way that it is-- and that there is nothing he can do but try and be close with OTHERS (like your family) and not hate on you for that...

SO sorry


thank you very much for understanding that there ARE underlying issues here. It's just not Sarah=wrong. I do understand that I have to make my soon-to-be-husband first. And I DO make that concerted effort time and time again. Believe me... my friends KNOW I've been a saint with him. But he has to deal with his issues. I will not give up my family. No way. No how. No when. They have been my backbone in LIFE. They look out for me SO much. I will never turn my back on them. AND they treat me and Joe SO incredibly well, he has to give them a little more appreciation and respect. 100 years from now, when I don't have them in my life, I don't want to think for one second that I didn't give them any less than they deserved. At the same time, Joe will NEVER be able to say that I don't give him 100%. So, I don't know where his beef is coming from. Over a picture... . When I have SOOO much to do right now. Like I need THIS.
CLMon7906 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

actions speak louder than words.

my husband was hurting my feelings constantly without realizing it...he would call his parents' house 'home' as in 'i'm going home and then to basketball' and i'd ask how long we woudl see him and he'd say 'no, my parents''

then, he refused to change some of our bills to our new address leaving them at his parents'...again, keeping us from really being a unit together...b/c we still needed to see them constantly to pick up mail.

he's slowly seeing that he can be close wihtout always being there or on the phone with them. it means A LOT to me. i'm close with my mom...but i can easily go 2-3 weeks without speaking to her...i get busy, she's busy...it happens. i don't need to check in daily. i think that YOU need to find some middle ground like my DH had to do. maybe call her from your cell on your way [alone] to work or home from work. maybe instead of EVERY week you have dinner over there, you do it every other week some months...just to break it up. trust me, these small gestures go a long way, even if he never says so directly to you!
SeptBride70 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Yeah I can understand your frustration...

b/c we would love to all sit here and say that our FH/DH is our number one everything but guess what? I hate to say it-- but if our FH or DH decides he wants to go $crew his receptionist lol who is going to be there for us? when the $hit hits the fan all we have is our family-- they will be there NO matter what when a lot of other people probably wouldn't be and they USUALLY love you no matter what also (my fam would be the exception to that rule lol).... but NORMAL families are like that... now, of course I would love to say that all of our FH's and DH's would NEVER, ever do that to us and that they will always be there for us-- and I'm positive that they will be BUT you NEVER know in life... ever!

so i can understand why you would not want to turn your back on them and trust me-- you will regret it if you change that once they pass away-- they won't be around forever... i wish i had the same feelings about my family that you do about yours but i just don't b/c they are not there for me... not like that, and they never have been. i wish i did have that-- i really do. the only thing i could do is just try to make a better life for my kids and be there for them so that they feel that way about me-- that no matter what i'll always be there for them and love them...
luvabul Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

i totally agree with what you said...and i dont think its appropriate to call them every single night on ur honeymoon...because its probably what ur FH and mine also views as 'alone time' starting ur life, etc...and they dont want any what they see as outsiders...just comprimise with him...

AMANDA2378 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

i wanted to repsond to this post, bc i can totally relate to the both of you.......


in defense of your fh....

i to am a liitle annoyed when it comes to my fh & his parents....i wouldnt call it jealousy so much , but there is just something that bothers me.

he always needs to call his parents and involve them with everything!!! IT ANNOYS ME TO NO END!!!!!!!
and not only does he tell his dad, but then his mom gets on the phone and he say it all over again.....blah blah blah yuck!!

i am close with my parents and understand looking towards them for guidence and some input, but do you really need to tell your parents what your first electric bill was, or what the lady down the hall does or the lady that lives above you......i think she went away this wk!! WHO CARES??????

now normally little things like this would not bother me, but bc he does it with everything even the little things start to billed up...for example as simple as it is to give a picture, that bothers him bc maybe you involve them in too much?

i dont know.....and im not critizing or anything, but as someone who knows how it feels on the other end.......

...i def would NOT call your parents on your honeymoon...when you get there to let them know you landed safely, ok....but not during!! that time should be spent just the two of you. you can fill them in when you get home over a dinner or something.

those are your parents and noone should tell you not to involve them, but now that your getting married....its you & your fh now!!

let me tell you.....if my fh cant cut the cord once we are married....I WILL for him!!!!!!

Now dont get me wrong......family, parents, syblings, they are all importatn, but now you have to think for you & fh.....it doesnt matter what parents or anyone thinks, bc its you & fh business and thats it!!

as for me - its nt so much a jealousy thing, but i feel like why are you marrying me, if its your parents opinion that matters most to you? it makes me feel less important.

i can honestly say that if society didnt look down on grown men still living at home with there parents.....he would move back in!!!

i hope i didnt offend anyone or say anything nasty, but i just wanted to post something to explain how it feels on the other side.


i dont know......good luck and im sure everything will work out.....the to of you just have to compromise on a happy medium!



< --thats what its all about anyway!!!!
sarahradio5 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by AMANDA2378

i dont know......good luck and im sure everything will work out.....the to of you just have to compromise on a happy medium!



< --thats what its all about anyway!!!!


Compromise would be great... but with him, it's black or white. I tried to talk to him, and he said, 'Fine just copy the picture then. Do what you want'. So, now if I copy the picture, I'm going against him. Now HE put me in this position where whether or not I COPY A PICTURE from the $5,000 photographer my MOM PAID FOR will, in his mind, determine who I put first in my life - him or my mom!!! IT'S A F#@KIN' PICTURE.

So, all conversation about this is cut off. I can't even say... what if we keep THIS picture for US and go choose another one for your mom and my mom? Nope. We're not speaking and I can't bring this up to him at all. He'll get pissed.
CLMon7906 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by sarahradio5

Posted by AMANDA2378

i dont know......good luck and im sure everything will work out.....the to of you just have to compromise on a happy medium!



< --thats what its all about anyway!!!!


Compromise would be great... but with him, it's black or white. I tried to talk to him, and he said, 'Fine just copy the picture then. Do what you want'. So, now if I copy the picture, I'm going against him. Now HE put me in this position where whether or not I COPY A PICTURE from the $5,000 photographer my MOM PAID FOR will, in his mind, determine who I put first in my life - him or my mom!!! IT'S A F#@KIN' PICTURE.

So, all conversation about this is cut off. I can't even say... what if we keep THIS picture for US and go choose another one for your mom and my mom? Nope. We're not speaking and I can't bring this up to him at all. He'll get pissed.


actually sarah, you've hit the nail on the head: by NOT copying the picture, you ARE telling him 'YOU come first in my life and I respect YOUR feelings.' All along the girls here have said, 'It's not really about the picture.' It's not...it's about FEELINGS which are valid even if you think they aren't. BUT the picture has become symbolic of those feelings. I and others have told you we are on the other end of this where our FH or DH is SUPER close to their parents like you seem to be...You are the one responsible for making the boundaries clear to your parents of your marriage and Joe needs to see/hear that you really are TRULY putting his thoughts and feelings first...which does not mean 'always taking his side' but simply being there for one another and respecting one another.
EGreene79 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think he's being a little ridiculous, but as all the girls said above - there's obviously something else going on. At the end of the day - it's a picture! Maybe I'm different, but I would never feel like I'd have to have a photograph as something as 'our own.' If he can't compromise on it though, I wouldn't give anyone a copy because, again, it's just a picture - so not worth fighting over, but the two of you really should sit down a talk. Try to get to the underlying problem.

Regarding calling the family, I'm very close to my family and talk to all of them - both brothers, SIL, brother's girlfriend and my father multiple times a week. We just enjoy each other. My mom - we talk several times a day. FH almost makes a joke of it saying things like 'oh, did you tell your mom what we're making for dinner,' or 'did you talk to her 8 times today, or was it more like 10?' He doesn't get mad - he understands we're very close and like to keep in touch. It wasn't always that way, and to be honest, we weren't this close until I graduated college - and even more so since I moved out of the house. I'm 27 now - if you told me my family was going to be this way when I was 21 I would have NEVER believed it. And it's not so much just leaning on my family, I just like to talk to them, and to be honest I probably talk to my friends just as much. FH has grown closer to his family since we've been together because he saw how my family worked, but he's still a typical guy and won't talk on the phone that much. I don't think it's bad to call anyone from you HM - and I'm sure FH and I will call our families and friends several times - that's just how we are and what we do. We love our friends and families and love to share everything with them. That's not to say we don't have our time alone, but we're just different than some of the other couples out there. It's just how we are. If people aren't that way - that's fine to. I don't think there's a right or wrong here, I don't think anyone should have to choose between FH and family. You have to go with what's right for you.
LaurenluvsTJ Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by sarahradio5

Posted by AMANDA2378

i dont know......good luck and im sure everything will work out.....the to of you just have to compromise on a happy medium!



< --thats what its all about anyway!!!!


Compromise would be great... but with him, it's black or white. I tried to talk to him, and he said, 'Fine just copy the picture then. Do what you want'. So, now if I copy the picture, I'm going against him. Now HE put me in this position where whether or not I COPY A PICTURE from the $5,000 photographer my MOM PAID FOR will, in his mind, determine who I put first in my life - him or my mom!!! IT'S A F#@KIN' PICTURE.

So, all conversation about this is cut off. I can't even say... what if we keep THIS picture for US and go choose another one for your mom and my mom? Nope. We're not speaking and I can't bring this up to him at all. He'll get pissed.



Compromise would be great, but honestly it doesn't sound like either of you are really willing to compromise. Try to put yourself in his shoes for a bit, think about what you just said

I COPY A PICTURE from the $5,000 photographer my MOM PAID FOR

Why did you have to throw in the part that your mom paid for it? I know that if my DH kept throwing that in my face, it would really hurt my feelings. Now I know thats what you typed and you didn't actually say it to him, but for you to say that here with such emotion, I am sure he knows you are thinking that.

He wants to have a life with YOU, not with you and your family. He wants to start a family with you. When you get married you and your DH become a new family. I am not saying you cut your family out of your life, but it becomes a whole different thing. He may be scared that he will always have to play second to your family, that he will never truly become your family. Do you see what I am trying to say here?
AMANDA2378 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by CLMon7906

Posted by sarahradio5

Posted by AMANDA2378

i dont know......good luck and im sure everything will work out.....the to of you just have to compromise on a happy medium!



< --thats what its all about anyway!!!!


Compromise would be great... but with him, it's black or white. I tried to talk to him, and he said, 'Fine just copy the picture then. Do what you want'. So, now if I copy the picture, I'm going against him. Now HE put me in this position where whether or not I COPY A PICTURE from the $5,000 photographer my MOM PAID FOR will, in his mind, determine who I put first in my life - him or my mom!!! IT'S A F#@KIN' PICTURE.

So, all conversation about this is cut off. I can't even say... what if we keep THIS picture for US and go choose another one for your mom and my mom? Nope. We're not speaking and I can't bring this up to him at all. He'll get pissed.


actually sarah, you've hit the nail on the head: by NOT copying the picture, you ARE telling him 'YOU come first in my life and I respect YOUR feelings.' All along the girls here have said, 'It's not really about the picture.' It's not...it's about FEELINGS which are valid even if you think they aren't. BUT the picture has become symbolic of those feelings. I and others have told you we are on the other end of this where our FH or DH is SUPER close to their parents like you seem to be...You are the one responsible for making the boundaries clear to your parents of your marriage and Joe needs to see/hear that you really are TRULY putting his thoughts and feelings first...which does not mean 'always taking his side' but simply being there for one another and respecting one another.



CLMon7906 - how did you make your fh see it that way??
bc believe me, sometimes i really want to hit him!!
and i find myself feeling alittle eh towards his parents sometimes, bc of what hes doing. its not all him either though , his parents sometimes are alittle too much with the calls or telling him/us on how to do things but in a way like 'oh , well thats how i would do it, but you do what you want'


sarah,

i would just let him cool off a bit and dont do anything with the picture yet.,.....onces he cools off maybe he'll think about it and then suggest coping it after all. im sure his parents would like a copy of it.........wait it out for a bit and then take it from there.
sarahradio5 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

yet, I will NEVER tell my mother - 'no, mom... you CAN'T have the picture from the photographer YOU paid for.'. That is WRONG of MY FIANCE to even put me in THAT position. HE is not respecting ME here. And the FM's I've gotten on this are to stay to stick to my guns. He should be just as much MY husband as I am to be HIS wife. I shouldn't always have to concede, as I feel I do. On THIS, I am not taking away a piece of happiness my mom (and HIS mom) would get out of having his picture of us! It's FOOLISH!

Yes... maybe I'll go pick one of the OTHER pictures the photographer took of us to give to them and keep this one for us, but they deserve to have a nice picture of us. All this over a stupid picture.
AMANDA2378 Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Posted by sarahradio5

yet, I will NEVER tell my mother - 'no, mom... you CAN'T have the picture from the photographer YOU paid for.'. That is WRONG of MY FIANCE to even put me in THAT position. HE is not respecting ME here. And the FM's I've gotten on this are to stay to stick to my guns. He should be just as much MY husband as I am to be HIS wife. I shouldn't always have to concede, as I feel I do. On THIS, I am not taking away a piece of happiness my mom (and HIS mom) would get out of having his picture of us! It's FOOLISH!

Yes... maybe I'll go pick one of the OTHER pictures the photographer took of us to give to them and keep this one for us, but they deserve to have a nice picture of us. All this over a stupid picture.


it is foolish to argue over a picture, but it does stem from another issue.
you seem to be very heated and im sure your fh is as well.....i would either let it settle a bit and try to talk to him about all of it and come to some agreement or dont wait it out and talk to him later and find out whats really going on??
i wish i had some words of wisdom, but i dont!
diluvchu Posted:

Re: Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

Sometimes in life you need to pick your battles. You can't fight over everything. Yes, it's just a picture, and yes maybe your parents are paying for it, but they gave it to you as a gift. It doesn't mean they HAVE to get a copy of the picture in return. Yes, maybe it would be nice. But sometimes things are nice when they are just kept between a couple. Not everything has to be shared with the world. All he is asking is for this to be kept between the 2 of you, just like every detail of your HM. He just wants things to be kept amongst yourselves. Actually that's a really special thing.

Weddings are more special for the brides. We care about every detail, every little aspect of what is happening. The majority of men don't. We can't force them to do something that they don't want to do. It's too late in the game to get angry with them now over something they have never done since the very beginning.

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