Things have been going SO well... but now got in a fight with my FH

I just don't get it...

We went for our engagement pictures last night. Things were going GREAT! He HATES taking pictures, but Doug from Patken really made everything go smoothly, and the pics were WONDERFUL! We really enjoyed TAKING the pics - it was FUN! I can't WAIT for Doug to do our pics on our wedding day! He's AMAZING.

Okay... so it's time to choose the pic we want. We pick one. Fine. I say to him, let's get a copy for your mom and my parents to give them at the Rehearsal Dinner as a gift. First he says okay, but then when the guy helping us walked away, he said no. So, we only ordered the pic that came with our package for free for us.

When we walked out to the car, I told him I can always scan a copy for them at home. He's like, 'How about we just keep this picture for us?'. At first I said, 'okay', but then I started thinking, 'WHY?' This is an awesome picture that I think both our parents would like. We have so few NICE pictures of us... what's the deal. So I was quiet, and he asked what was wrong. First I said nothing, but he pushed it, so I said, 'I don't understand why you don't want to give a copy to your mom and my parents. I think they would really like it.' And he's like, 'Because I'd like something to be just 'US' for once'. !?!?!?!?!

What does THAT mean? A PICTURE?! My mom knew that we were going for this... HECK, she's paying for us to have Doug... she can't have a COPY OF A PICTURE?!?!

So I said, Joe... what is the big deal? It's a picture. I think they'd really like it. He's like, 'fine... do what you want.' And got mad. (ruining what WAS a really nice night over something SO stupid). I said, 'Joe... I don't get it... it's not like I'm giving them OUR picture. I'm making them a COPY. The couple in front of us was ordering copies for THEIR parents. People DO this. NOT a big deal.'

The BACKGROUND here is that he feels that I'm TOO close to my parents. Which I don't see there's anything WRONG with. My parents have been my best friends my whole life. I don't know if you call it jealousy, or what, but he keeps saying HE wants to be Number 1. But he picks the STUPIDEST things as examples of me putting them before him... like making them a COPY of our engagement picture! It's such a sweet picture!!! It's not like we're naked or anything! Then he said, 'what's gonna happen on our honeymoon... you're gonna call them everyday from Disney to tell them what we did each day?'. Um... yeah, probably. I don't see anything wrong with that!

He gets along SO well with my parents. They would be SO hurt to know the level of jealousy or resentment he has towards them. It's SUCH an issue with us, I don't know what to do. After the fight, I just laid in bed, cried, fell asleep, he left for work and we haven't spoken. I feel sick over this. It was just such a NICE night that turned to crap over something SO stupid. I can't imagine my mom asking for a copy, which she ALREADY said she wanted before we even went, and me having to say NO!?!?!? I won't tell her no. There's no logical reason for it.

edited to add this, which is also posted as one of my replies on page 2:

Thank you. I really DO make a concerted effor to put my FH first. REALLY. I just did NOT think that making them a COPY OF A PICTURE was a big deal!!!

And if I did learn one thing here, it's that I will not call my parents every day from my honeymoon. Honestly, I don't know if I really would have anyway. HE brought it up out of nowhere, assuming I would. I never really thought of it. And I don't even remember the last time I was on vacation to think if I called them every day. Ya know what... on our romantic trips to log cabins and to Baltimore and Bed and Breakfasts, I don't think I DID call them at ALL! He just really threw me off by saying that out of nowhere, I just didn't have a chance to think about the fact that I WOULDN'T call them each day!! ugh... he just gets my HEAD spinning with these arguments sometimes!!! But what ANNOYS me is that the one or two times I WILL call them during the trip (to THANK them maybe for the Dinner with Cinderella they're treating us to or something), I'm going to think I'm BETRAYING him or something.

Well... I think you need to think about where this is coming from. I don't think giving your parents a nice picture of the two of you is a big deal, but obviously this is stemming from something else. Many girls are close with their parents, esp. their moms (I know I am) but you ARE getting married, and he SHOULD be the #1 person in your life. Everything you said sounded normal until you got the part about your HM - that you would be calling them every day from Disney to tell them what you did. Sorry, but thats just not appropriate. This is the time for you and your new husband to celebrate your marriage. Alone. Call them to let them know you got there ok, and then maybe once during the time you are there.
I think he might be right with this one.

Ok, I will be the first to answer and hopefully more girls will add their two cents.

Boys are silly and don't express themselves well. What I am hearing in your story is that you FH feels that the wedding planning is about everyone and not about you two. It seems like he wasnts something to be just you two. I can understand where he is comming from since I just had to decifer this majic code with my own FH. You probably think that all of the decisions are your own but do you 'run them by' your parents for their input? This can make your FH feel like you two didn't make the decision.

I think he may be transfering his feelings of not enough alone time, wedding stress, rank in your relationships onto the engagement pictures. It is hard for people with strong family units to know or understand why others don't love the input of others and togetherness that a close family brings, sometimes they feel like they are competeing for first place when in reality there is room for more than one person up there.

Here is my advice, do NOT give your parents that picture, yet. Speak with your FH and find something that can be yours, then adress the picture and how this may actually not be about the picture and see if he agrees. Then after you have spoken to him and worked it out give your parents a copy.

Sometimes we speak in code and sometimes they do. Try and dust off your decoder ring because this is not about the picture.

Good luck sweetie, let me know if you need anything.

STA as per your post edit: It actually is not appropriate to call your parents everyday on your honeymoon. You are supposed to be celebrating your new life and discovering things together, reflecting, relaxing and enjoying each other. A honeymoon is a time to grow not check in with the rents.

Ok, I can totally see his side of this, sorry, I think that your parents and fil's will get plenty of pictures of you two, and it would be nice for only you two to have the nice picture of you guys.

Also, definitely don't call your parents on your honeymoon, that is time that you and your husband spend together. Your parents will be able to hear all about it when you get home. Our parents already told us not to call them on our honeymoon, and our response was, we weren't planning on it!

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Posted by neener1211

Ok, I can totally see his side of this, sorry, I think that your parents and fil's will get plenty of pictures of you two, and it would be nice for only you two to have the nice picture of you guys.

Also, definitely don't call your parents on your honeymoon, that is time that you and your husband spend together. Your parents will be able to hear all about it when you get home. Our parents already told us not to call them on our honeymoon, and our response was, we weren't planning on it!

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i completely agree, i called my mom when we got there and also at the airport coming home...that was sufficient for my mom and I.

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Posted by GabrielleandJohn

Ok, I will be the first to answer and hopefully more girls will add their two cents.

Boys are silly and don't express themselves well. What I am hearing in your story is that you FH feels that the wedding planning is about everyone and not about you two. It seems like he wasnts something to be just you two. I can understand where he is comming from since I just had to decifer this majic code with my own FH. You probably think that all of the decisions are your own but do you 'run them by' your parents for their input? This can make your FH feel like you two didn't make the decision.

I think he may be transfering his feelings of not enough alone time, wedding stress, rank in your relationships onto the engagement pictures. It is hard for people with strong family units to know or understand why others don't love the input of others and togetherness that a close family brings, sometimes they feel like they are competeing for first place when in reality there is room for more than one person up there.

Here is my advice, do NOT give your parents that picture, yet. Speak with your FH and find something that can be yours, then adress the picture and how this may actually not be about the picture and see if he agrees. Then after you have spoken to him and worked it out give your parents a copy.

Sometimes we speak in code and sometimes they do. Try and dust off your decoder ring because this is not about the picture.

Good luck sweetie, let me know if you need anything.

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i was having a hard time looking for the words... and this is pretty close to what was running in my head.

his 'jealousy' is his love for you. he doesn't want to be at the bottom of the totem (sp) pole. remember, his family is a little 'different' than yours, so he's used to things being done differently.

it's lovely that you're very close to your parents, but remember... in a few short weeks you're going to be JOE'S WIFE.

re-read your post and listen with your heart. this man loves you and wants to feel like the most important thing in your life.

and as far as the hm goes.... only call to let them know you arrived safely... you can catch up when you get home.

sending lots of love your way

lizbeth

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Posted by LaurenluvsTJ

Well... I think you need to think about where this is coming from. I don't think giving your parents a nice picture of the two of you is a big deal, but obviously this is stemming from something else. Many girls are close with their parents, esp. their moms (I know I am) but you ARE getting married, and he SHOULD be the #1 person in your life. Everything you said sounded normal until you got the part about your HM - that you would be calling them every day from Disney to tell them what you did. Sorry, but thats just not appropriate. This is the time for you and your new husband to celebrate your marriage. Alone. Call them to let them know you got there ok, and then maybe once during the time you are there.
I think he might be right with this one.

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I have to totally agree with this!

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Posted by libby2595

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Posted by GabrielleandJohn

Ok, I will be the first to answer and hopefully more girls will add their two cents.

Boys are silly and don't express themselves well. What I am hearing in your story is that you FH feels that the wedding planning is about everyone and not about you two. It seems like he wasnts something to be just you two. I can understand where he is comming from since I just had to decifer this majic code with my own FH. You probably think that all of the decisions are your own but do you 'run them by' your parents for their input? This can make your FH feel like you two didn't make the decision.

I think he may be transfering his feelings of not enough alone time, wedding stress, rank in your relationships onto the engagement pictures. It is hard for people with strong family units to know or understand why others don't love the input of others and togetherness that a close family brings, sometimes they feel like they are competeing for first place when in reality there is room for more than one person up there.

Here is my advice, do NOT give your parents that picture, yet. Speak with your FH and find something that can be yours, then adress the picture and how this may actually not be about the picture and see if he agrees. Then after you have spoken to him and worked it out give your parents a copy.

Sometimes we speak in code and sometimes they do. Try and dust off your decoder ring because this is not about the picture.

Good luck sweetie, let me know if you need anything.

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i was having a hard time looking for the words... and this is pretty close to what was running in my head.

his 'jealousy' is his love for you. he doesn't want to be at the bottom of the totem (sp) pole. remember, his family is a little 'different' than yours, so he's used to things being done differently.

it's lovely that you're very close to your parents, but remember... in a few short weeks you're going to be JOE'S WIFE.

re-read your post and listen with your heart. this man loves you and wants to feel like the most important thing in your life.

and as far as the hm goes.... only call to let them know you arrived safely... you can catch up when you get home.

sending lots of love your way

lizbeth

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Well said.

I know that Ed will sometimes bottle a lot of things up and then when something goes wrong it ALL comes out. It doesn't seem like it's a big deal, but for some reason it just hits a nerve.

You're both stressed. Things will get better. But this is something you need to address with him.

I feel for you...I have a similar problem with my FI..he always asks if I have to tell my parents everything. No, not everything, but things that affect my life, yes, I'm going to share, good or bad. I think you should call your mom daily, if that's what makes you comfortable. Your FH should want you to be relaxed and happy...why should it be all about what is going to make HIM happy. I have to disagree with the other girls...don't lose sight of what's important to you just because FH doesn't like it. You can still be you and be Joe's Wife. And remember-- he's going to be Sarah's HUSBAND. That should count for something.

PS-- I plan on calling home several times during the honeymoon. I don't speak to my mom daily when I'm home, but when I'm far away, I like to have the reassurance that everything is ok back home.

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Posted by sarahradio5

As for calling on the honeymoon, my brother even called my mom each day from his honeymoon from Mexico, and just recently each night from Disney World. That's just how our family is. The problem is, he thinks it's 'strange'. I think it's normal and loving and secure and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But, to me, I can have my relationship with my FH and put him as #1 in my life, but also have my parents so close to me in my life. I shouldn't have to sacrifice my parents to have have my FH in my life, and he shouldn't be asking me to change that relationship with them... it's not fair.

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I'm sorry you're going through this right now, but I have to agree with everyone else on this one.

No matter how close you are to your parents, calling them everyday on your honeymoon is just not right (IMO), This is time for your and your NEW husband. Yes, you have a close relationship with your parents and you talk to your mom 10 times a day. I totally understand that. My mom is my best friend as well.......But there is a time when it should ONLY be you and your husband.

You have everyday to talk to your parents for the rest of your life.......you only have a honeymoon ONE time. He's not asking you to change who you are in any way.......he just wants HIS time with you with no interuptions........that's not a lot to ask.

Please don't be upset about the replies you get from your post. We are here for you and maybe help you see this from OUTSIDE the box

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Posted by GabrielleandJohn

Boys are silly and don't express themselves well. What I am hearing in your story is that you FH feels that the wedding planning is about everyone and not about you two. It seems like he wasnts something to be just you two. I can understand where he is comming from since I just had to decifer this majic code with my own FH. You probably think that all of the decisions are your own but do you 'run them by' your parents for their input? This can make your FH feel like you two didn't make the decision.

I think he may be transfering his feelings of not enough alone time, wedding stress, rank in your relationships onto the engagement pictures. It is hard for people with strong family units to know or understand why others don't love the input of others and togetherness that a close family brings, sometimes they feel like they are competeing for first place when in reality there is room for more than one person up there.

Here is my advice, do NOT give your parents that picture, yet. Speak with your FH and find something that can be yours, then adress the picture and how this may actually not be about the picture and see if he agrees. Then after you have spoken to him and worked it out give your parents a copy.

Sometimes we speak in code and sometimes they do. Try and dust off your decoder ring because this is not about the picture.

Good luck sweetie, let me know if you need anything.

STA as per your post edit: It actually is not appropriate to call your parents everyday on your honeymoon. You are supposed to be celebrating your new life and discovering things together, reflecting, relaxing and enjoying each other. A honeymoon is a time to grow not check in with the rents.

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thank you for that. I will curb my calls to my parents on my honeymoon to not every day. I also have to deal with my mom's feelings in all this... she can get very sensitive with stuff like this, so I feel like I'm in the middle.

I will use the excuse of 'I'm too busy with wedding stuff' to make the copy of the picture, for now, until this passes. I'm just really aggravated that he ruined SUCH a good night and memorable experience over copying a picture. It's like he was WAITING to start a fight.

As for things just being the 'two of us' with the wedding planning, it is really upsetting because I can't even get him to help me pick church readings with me. It's ALLLL ME. He picks and chooses what he wants to do. If I did that, NOTHING would get done! I'm even the one ordering his Groomsman gifts (at WORK!), after he picks them out (even though I disagree with what he wants to get, I figure it's 'his thing'... yet I have to do the leg work to order it).

'It is hard for people with strong family units to know or understand why others don't love the input of others and togetherness that a close family brings, sometimes they feel like they are competeing for first place when in reality there is room for more than one person up there.' - You hit the nail on the head with this. He has put me in the position of making the choice between him and my mom SO many times - unnecessarily. It's like it's always a test for me. When I went to see the psychic, she said there's a lot of jealousy in our relationship that will always be an issue. THIS is what the jealousy is. Him of my parents. To me, that's sick.

As for what can be 'ours'... to me, us living together before marriage is ours. It goes against what my parents believe in. Us having sex before marriage is 'ours'. It goes against what I always believed in, and the only reason I do is because I know I'm marrying him. He's marrying a good, close-knit family girl. I don't know why he expects that to change. Yes... he will be my number 1. But my family will always mean the world to me.

The recent decision about letting kids come to the wedding was OUR decision. I wouldn't make it without him. I wouldn't let my parents make that decision, even though they're paying for the wedding. THAT was tough to tell them they couldn't decide. Joe and I made the decision together and told my parents our decision, and they appreciated it. I loved my FH for doing that for us. There are things that are 'ours'. I don't think hogging a nice picture of us - when we don't have many (he HATES having his picture taken) - is necessary. To me, it's rude and selfish.

Thank you very much for your advice. I appreciate it.

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Posted by kahlua716

I feel for you...I have a similar problem with my FI..he always asks if I have to tell my parents everything. No, not everything, but things that affect my life, yes, I'm going to share, good or bad. I think you should call your mom daily, if that's what makes you comfortable. Your FH should want you to be relaxed and happy...why should it be all about what is going to make HIM happy. I have to disagree with the other girls...don't lose sight of what's important to you just because FH doesn't like it. You can still be you and be Joe's Wife. And remember-- he's going to be Sarah's HUSBAND. That should count for something.

PS-- I plan on calling home several times during the honeymoon. I don't speak to my mom daily when I'm home, but when I'm far away, I like to have the reassurance that everything is ok back home.

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thank you... you're right. I do make SO many concessions for him. Sometimes it would be nice for him to say, 'hey... this means a lot to Sarah... I'm gonna back off.'. I don't think that ever goes through his head. It suucks.

Maybe 'daily' calls home from the honeymoon aren't necessary, but there will be a few. When I feel like it. And I think my husband should want me to do what I feel comfortable doing.

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Posted by LaurenluvsTJ

Well... I think you need to think about where this is coming from. I don't think giving your parents a nice picture of the two of you is a big deal, but obviously this is stemming from something else. Many girls are close with their parents, esp. their moms (I know I am) but you ARE getting married, and he SHOULD be the #1 person in your life. Everything you said sounded normal until you got the part about your HM - that you would be calling them every day from Disney to tell them what you did. Sorry, but thats just not appropriate. This is the time for you and your new husband to celebrate your marriage. Alone. Call them to let them know you got there ok, and then maybe once during the time you are there.
I think he might be right with this one.

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I completely agree. I had the opposite problem with my FH - he's extremely close with his family, wheras I can get away with talking to them 1x a week. We made an agreement to cut back on all the talking with our families and talk to one another! He needs to be your #1 every min!!

You know, I wish I had some of Joe's problems sometimes LOL!! I mean really!! I wish that my biggest 'peeve' was Vinny making a copy for my parents and for his parents of our e-pics. MY MOM WON'T EVEN LOOK AT MY E-PICS!!!! They remind her of the fact that I'm getting married and my older sister didn't... so she has never looked at them and I'm not allowed to bring them out b/c 'it will upset Jenn'...

Tell Joe that he should know FOR ONE DAY what it feels like to have NO relationship with your family-- I have not spoken to my parents, besides the night they came and basically ignored me in the ER, in MONTHS and we are less than a year away from our wedding...

I WISH that I could make copies of pics for my parents and give them to them and that they would actually like them-- I WISH I had a good relationship with them-- that they were 'my best friends'... does he have any idea how good that is? How lucky he is? Does he know what it feels like to have parents and a sister not give a crap about you? B/c 'they need to focus on Jenn right now'... So they just ignore me b/c I'm happy... I thought parents are supposed to be happy when their kids are happy??

If THAT is the worst thing that happens to him ALL day he should consider himself VERY lucky-- I mean, maybe I'm being too hard here and he was just in a bad mood but that really offends someone like me who would LOVE to be close with my parents and have a relationship. but maybe this stems from something deeper: maybe Joe is resentful of the fact that you are close with your parents b/c he doesn't have the relationship he would like with his...

I know in the beginning when Vinny and I first started dating I would get annoyed over things that really didn't bother me-- b/c deep down, I was jealous of the fact that Vinny has a loving, normal family and that my Mom (mostly, more than my Dad who is fine)... but I was upset that my Mom and I never had a good bond... we are like perfect strangers and then everything with my sister just made that worse b/c she favors her.... Her problems are more important than anything right now... She even said that she can't enjoy my wedding or be in 'wedding mode' for me-- b/c of Jenn. Unbelievable!!!

So I can understand, if that is WHY Joe is being that way-- but I can understand where he is coming from. But he needs to let go of all that hate and realize that other people have better situations than him but there is no reason to rain on their parade-- I try as hard as I can now to benefit from Vinny's loving and close family... That way, at least I have SOMEONE who gives a damn about me... B/c, whether they really do or not, right now: I don't feel it from my family-- not at all, not even a little bit.

Well, I don't know what else to say Sarah-- if it is not what I wrote about above then I don't know what it is-- male PMS?

HTH

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Posted by LaurenluvsTJ

Well... I think you need to think about where this is coming from. I don't think giving your parents a nice picture of the two of you is a big deal, but obviously this is stemming from something else. Many girls are close with their parents, esp. their moms (I know I am) but you ARE getting married, and he SHOULD be the #1 person in your life. Everything you said sounded normal until you got the part about your HM - that you would be calling them every day from Disney to tell them what you did. Sorry, but thats just not appropriate. This is the time for you and your new husband to celebrate your marriage. Alone. Call them to let them know you got there ok, and then maybe once during the time you are there.
I think he might be right with this one.

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I completely agree...DO NOT call anyone on your HM unless one of you ends up in the hospital or jail!!!! This is a time for JUST the 2 of you and no one else! NO ONE. The point is to BOND as husband and wife...you can't do that if you spend an hour on the phone each day detailing your time with mommy and daddy!

I can understand the picture thing...I say this to DH all the time...sometimes, you get something and you want it to be just yours...you don't want to share it...there's nothing wrong with that. It might seem silly to you, but he's obviously feeling left out, less important....and those are VALID feelings. You need to be more receptive to how he feels and honor that. If he wants to hog a great pic of the 2 of you for just the 2 of you, relish in knowing that ONLY the 2 of you will have this great shot!

Unfortunately I have to agree w/ the other ladies...DH is the 'you' of our marriage...he's very family oriented and called his mom AND his brother from our honeymoon (only once to let them know we got there OK but it was enough to make me pretty stinken mad)...I explained things the same way that your FH did (that this was OUR time) and while he doesn't necessarily see what he did as wrong he at least recognized why I got upset...I don't think its fair to say this is how I am and he has to get used to it...you have to take his feelings into account too...just my opinion of course

And this picture thing is probably part of something larger but also no doubt brought on by wedding stress...please don't loose sight of what's important and let all these little fights ruin the anticipation leading up to your wedding

OK, I just re-read about the HM debacle... I can see his point-- I wouldn't call them everday... since you are close I would give them a call when you get there and then before you come home... maybe one day in between to let them know how it is going.. it's exciting to share all that you are doing with other people but everyday is a bit much...

I think you guys need to just meet half way-- not completely shut out your parents but not be attached to them either-- compromise and see WHY it bothers Joe (b/c if its the resentment I spoke about earlier that is a whole OTHER issue!) but if it is because he really just wants to be 'private' about some things-- then I can understand that... compromise and ask if you could take ANOTHER picture of you two that you think is nice and have it put in a small frame-- just so that you can present them with something at the RD-- otherwise, get something else like a framed poem about parents... b/c for some reason he feels strongly about this.

But you should not have to sneak around or anything-- you guys need to communicate and no more going to bed angry-- that's a BIG no no!! Try to work through your problems and stuff-- tell him you don't want to go to bed upset, that it is not healthy for him to just wake up and leave for work-- things like that.

OK, hope this helps too